Spill Your Guts: Talk Is Cheap Therapy by Dr. Susan Mendelsohn, Psychologist Have you ever felt the urge to tell someone just how you feel but were afraid to do so? Have you ever regretted not expressing yourself to someone because of your own fear of rejection? This is a common problem among folks with low self-esteem. You ask, how does this relate to your weight loss? Well, let me tell you. Passive communication is when you allow others to walk all over you, make decisions for you, and tell you what to think, do and feel. The result is self-loathing and feeling like a door mat. In turn, you find yourself supplying those feelings with food. When you let someone know how you feel about them, you are more likely to “work through” or “be done with” the feeling once and for all without numbing it away. Living with fear or anger towards someone for a long period of time can result in many unproductive behaviors such as displaced anger, health problems, difficulty sleeping, problems in relationships, and most of all, eating frenzies. Once you are able to let others know how you feel, you no longer have to stuff those feelings in secret. Sometimes the person you have feelings toward is no longer alive or accessible, in which case you can communicate your feelings by writing a letter. If those strong emotions go unresolved, the result can be devastating to your overall health and well-being in the long run. In order to nip this passivity in the bud, you must resolve to talk to the person toward whom you have strong feelings. Make sure that the person you disclose your feelings to is willing to hear you out. Ask them to set a time for you to do so. You might want to say, “I have something important to say to you and I would appreciate if you would make time to listen.” This is important because your feelings ARE worthy of being heard. This intimate exchange of emotions deserves respect. If the person you are disclosing your feelings to isn’t truly ready to hear you, you are likely to leave the situation feeling misunderstood or discounted once again. At this point, your feelings of anger or fear will be on the rise. The second rule is to avoid blaming or belittling the person you are addressing. The person you are talking to will best be able to listen to you if you give him/her the respect he/she so deserves. You cannot make the person responsible for your feelings. In other words, you must take responsibility for your own emotions. Taking responsibility for your own feelings means that when you communicate how you feel, you must begin by using the expression, “I feel...” The moment you tell someone, “You make me feel...” you give up your responsibility and put the other person on the defense. It is understandable that you may want to blame the other person, but by using the “I” statement you’ll get your point across more easily and you will most likely receive a better response from the other person. Next, always remember to refer to the other’s behavior rather than making a personal attack. What I mean by this is that you can state how the other’s behavior was inconsiderate, but not tell the person that he/she is worthless. Too often we err by making a judgment about the person rather than the behavior that we do not appreciate. Referring your feelings to the other person rather than his/her behavior results in putting him/her or yourself in a “one-down” position. You see, you can still love a person and find them worthy even if their behavior is unacceptable. Keeping in mind that it is the behavior and not the person that you find offensive will help prevent a great deal of problems later in the relationship. When you actually speak, complete your statement with a reference to a specific behavior. For instance, rather than say, “You are such a jerk for not noticing my weight loss,” try restating it by saying, “I am feeling ignored because you didn’t notice my weight loss.” In this manner, you are refraining from putting the other person on the defense by not attacking his/her person, and you are taking responsibility for your feelings. Feelings are not right or wrong, only the manner in which you choose to express them may be “right” or “wrong,” or shall I say, effective or ineffective. The manner in which you state your feelings can involve little more than a difference in wording; it is an important difference. Referring your feelings to a specific statement or behavior lets other people know that you are upset with something that can be changed, rather than who they are personally. One thing to keep in mind is that simply changing your style of communicating will not necessarily give you everything you want from the other person. But it will help you rid yourself of those burdensome emotions in order to function more effectively in your own daily life. It is never too late to change your way of communicating. The sooner you begin making these changes, the quicker your overall health and relationships will improve. These techniques take plenty of time and practice. You also must understand that it will take others time to adjust to your new way of communicating. Be patient with yourself and with others and the dividends will pay off in no time!