Nob this is Gamgee, this is my humorous entry..John Miller, Elma WA This story begins as Frodo and Samwise near Mt. Doom Frodo is in a puzzled and weakened state, as the weight of the Ring grows as they draw near to the Great Fire. "Just one more crawl Sir, and then we shall find a place to lie still for a bit, but we must get out of the open." Sam said, as he bore the full weight of his master, and guided each of his footsteps. For Sam, seeing his master in this state, was nearly as bad of a trial for him, as his master was going through with the Ring. Sam managed to find a small crevice at the foot of the mountain, just big enough to hide them until the day passed. As Frodo slept, Sam's thoughts crept back to happier times; of food, and birthday parties, and Rosie Cotton! Sam had been just about ready to kiss Rosie for the 1st time, in the bushes behind Bag End, when he was yanked out by his ear, by Gandalf and accused of eavesdropping!! then forced to go on this bloody quest! Rosie had probably hooked up with Fatty Bolger by now, he had had his eye on her for quite some time. God, how he wished he had bushes around his own home! Sam was brought back to reality by the setting of the sun. "Up Mister Frodo!" Sam called "Time to end this quest, and put misery behind us." "All right Sam!," Frodo snapped "The weight of the Ring is bad enough, without you constantly harping on me about it!" "All right sir", Sam replied "I'm sorry", he noted to himself that he thought Frodo was being especially poopy. The entrance to the mountain loomed in front of them, and Frodo and Sam sat, and munched the last few crumbs of lembas in silence. After a moment, Frodo jumped up and ran into the mountain, quick as a bunny. "Goodness gracious!" Sam exclaimed "Master Frodo has gone crackers!" Just then, as he rounded a corner, Sam saw his master standing near a huge crack. A red light spouted from the crack and reflected bright red on his masters face. "I am here, and now that I am here, I will do what I have come to do, but now that I am here, and have come to do what I came to do, I choose not to do what I came to do.........here" Frodo said in an alarmingly loud, and powerful tone. 3 hours later (Shire reckoning), Sam had figured out what his Master meant in his long winded speech, and felt afraid, for now his master was missing! "And all the while, I sat here, trying to figure out what he meant with all those "To dos" and "here fors", when I should have been trying to talk to Mr. Frodo" Sam said aloud to himself, "Go for the plain and simple, My boy, that’s what my old Gaffer would have said......" While Sam sat in the dark, pondering his Gafferisms, a black shadow rushed past him, once again, bringing him back to reality. "Its that cursed Gollum, or I'm a sparrow!" Sam said to himself as he ran after the black shape in the murky darkness. After what seemed like 3 days (Shire reckoning), of running, Sam came upon Gollum flipping about on the floor, much like a trout doing the Charleston. After about 3 hours (Shire Reckoning), Sam figured out that Gollum was not having a seizure as he had originally deemed, but wrestling with Frodo! Sam acted fast, and got Gollum in a full nelson, Frodo reared up and punched Gollum in the nose, as Sam headbutted him in the back. Just then, Sam noticed something shiny, protruding from Gollums back, and Sam grabbed it and pulled. "Lo and behold!, what have we hear?!" Sam exclaimed, "appears to be a zipper of sorts. Sam gave it another sharp tug, and Good Old Bilbo emerged from the suit! "Well, what do you say to this Bilbo?!?" Frodo exclaimed "You must explain!" "Well, I suppose I must" Bilbo choked, "I just don’t know where to start." "Why not start at the start" Sam said, “that’s what my old Gaf......" "SHUT UP!!!!!" Bilbo and Frodo both shouted, cutting him off in mid-sentence. This was no time for Gaffer quotes. As they stood there and argued, a black shape emerged from the shadows. "Are you Sauron?" Frodo asked, nearly paralyzed with fear "Sauron, is one of my many names" the shape answered "before I kill you and take my ring, and rule Middle Earth forever and ever and ever, Frodo and Sam, will you do me a favor?" "What could you possibly want of me?" Frodo and Sam simultaneously asked. "Well, you see that Stalagmite over there?, well look into it, and SMILE!!! your on candid camera!!!!!" Just then the shape stepped forward to reveal himself. "Well, bless my pots and pans!!", Sam exclaimed "You’re Allen Funt!!" Just then, the entire cavern erupted into a cacophony of laughter, as Gandalf, Aragorn, Shelob, Galadriel, Gimli, Legolas, Boromir, Merry and Pippin, and a vast array of others stepped out of the shadows. "You were all in on this??? All of you?!?!?!?" Frodo exclaimed "Some friends I’ve got" "Oh Frodo my lad," Bilbo comforted, "Just think, what an ending to the Red Book this will make!" "Oh yeah , you're a real riot Uncle Bilbo," Frodo said as he clapped him on the back "A real comedian." The End |
TheOneRing.net™ Tolkien 2000 Contest Humorous Entry Runner-Up - John Miller |
**NOTE** I found this in my travels in the net, and I thought you might enjoy it. It's an alternate ending to the story of the One ring. |