“Welcome to the Jerry Kinger, show…I’m your host, Jerry “the King” Lawler.” The audience starts whoopin’ and hollerin’ with a sound not unlike a WWF taping. “Calm down, calm down…let’s start the show.” The audience finishes their raving and sits, waiting for the first guest. “Ok, as you know today’s show is titled ‘You Get the Beers, But I Get the Cheers.’ With that in mind, let me introduce our first guest. Our first guest is not just a television star, but a cultural icon! He has made ‘opening up a can of whoop-ass’ a household phrase. Please welcome the Texas Rattlesnake, Stone Cold Steve Austin!”
The crowd roars at the sound of broken glass, and in walks Stone Cold, sitting down in one of the empty chairs center stage. He gets back up and raises his fists a la his days in the ring. After about 30 seconds Jerry pleads with the audience to sit down. Finally, they do. “Well, well Stone Cold, it’s been a while…how have you been?”
“Well King, its been a rough six months…the surgery, the rehab.” Stone Cold rubs his neck as he thinks back to the procedure. “But ya know, ol’ STONE COLD IS BACK!” At this the crowd jumps up, screaming and cheering. Over the crowd noise, he continues…”The doctors told me that within a month, I should be back in the ring, better than ever!” Again, the audience roars…however, they quiet when Jerry starts talking.
“That’s great Rattlesnake, but I gotta ask you, six months is a long time. A lot of things have changed in the WWF…The Light Heavyweight division is back, with Edge as the champ, Too Cool are the Tag Champs, X-Pac is the Intercontinental Champ, and – THE ROCK (hee, hee) is the Heavyweight Champion! Whoo hoo!” At the mere mention of the champ’s name, the audience jumps up and starts chanting “Rocky, Rocky, Rocky!” “Hold on, hold on…let me finish. So Stone Cold, how do you feel about this? It seems as if the fans have moved on and accepted the Rock as the Icon of the WWF. How is this going to affect your comeback?”
As the “Rocky” chants continue, Stone Cold stands up, climbs on the chair, and with a look of anger and disgust on his face, raises his fists and gives the audience the double bird! He shouts, “Ya know, King…looks like you have your head shoved up the Rock’s ass. Why don’t you pull it out, clean out the shit that’s clogging your ears, and listen. Stone Cold don’t give a damn about the Rock. That sum’bitch could never beat ol’ Stone Cold. Just look at my merchandise sales, Stone Cold has been leadin’ that for years. Rocky is just a piece of trash to be thrown away once I get back…as soon as Stone Cold hits the arena, the fans will forget all about ‘chanting the Rocks name.’ And that’s all I got to say about that!” Somehow, two beers get thrown in Austin’s direction…he picks them up, pops the tops, does a “Stone Cold Salute” and starts chugging. Just then…
“IF YA SMELL…WHAT THE ROCK IS COOKING!”
At the sound of his music, the audience goes apeshit…out walks the Rock! Jerry, giddy like a schoolgirl, runs up to the stage and greets the Rock. “My second guest needs no introduction…he is The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment today! He is, the people’s champ and the WWF champ, he is THE ROCK!” At this, he gives Jerry the eyebrow and a handshake, walks up to Stone Cold, takes a big sniff…and turns away. “Ugh, the Rock thought he smelled a has-been around here. Nothing like the scent of stale beer and Ben-Gay.”
Without warning, Stone Cold grabs the Rock by his $500 shirt, and clotheslines him into the chairs. Rocky gets up and tries to start pummeling Austin, but the Kinger stage guards pull the two apart. “C’mere you little piece of trash…c’mere.” The stage guards allow Rocky to get back up and adjust his microphone. Glowering at Austin, the Rock replies:
“How dare you even touch The Rock! You should be bowing at The Rock’s feet, thanking The Rock for even letting you be in The Great One’s presence! Ya know Stone Cold, or should I say Stone Old, the millions…” and the audience shouts…and millions…”of The Rock’s fans know that The Great one is The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment today. All you are is a beer guzzling, deer hunting piece of Texas Trailer Park trash!” At this, Austin busts loose of the stage guards and spears Rocky.
“Oh no! Not Rocky! What is Stone Cold doing? AAAHHH!” Lawler hides behind a production assistant as chairs go flying into the audience. Rocky gets to his feet, kicks Austin with one of his $500 shoes and begins to repeatedly punch him in his stomach.
“Take that, jabroni. Messing up The Rock’s shirt, The Rock’s shoes, The Rock’s catchphrases.” Finally, the stage guards pull the two apart, this time setting the chairs across the stage from each other. As both sit down again, Jerry comes out from behind the production assistant and begins to read from his note cards:
“Speaking of catchphrases, Rock. Before the show, the audience and I thought of a way to decide who was more popular…you or Stone Cold Steve Austin.”
Rock looks at Lawler, smirking…”what do you mean decide King. Everyone knows that I am the Great One.” At this, the “Rocky” chants start again.
Lawler, laughing continues…”just hold on Rock. We have decided to have a battle of the catchprases! Both you and the Rattlesnake will engage in a little debate, ok, it’s a trash-talking debate. During this “debate” you must incorporate your most well-known catchphrases. In fact, we could include a bonus for any new phrases you two come up with. At the end, we will poll the audience reaction…whoever gets the biggest reaction will be crowned “King of the Catchphrases” and the fans’ favorite.
The Rock interrupts, “Jerry, why even do this? You know, I know, and The Rock’s fans know that The Rock’s catchphrases are the best catchphrases in sports entertainment today!”
“OK Rocky, just hold off until we come back from break and you can prove it. Stone Cold, are you ready?”
“Stone Cold don’t give a goddamn about this contest, but if the fans want to watch Ol’ Stone Cold verbally whoop The Rock’s ass well then I guess I’m ready.”
Lawler, jumps up and down: “Whoo hoo! This is going to be great, a war of the words between the Texas Rattlesnake and the People’s Champ! Next, when we come back.”
During the commercial break, stagehands remove the chairs and coffee table and replace it with two presidential-looking podiums, except that the Presidential seal has been replaced with the WWF Attitude symbol. Austin, Lawler, and The Rock wait semi-patiently for the cue that the commercials are over and then begin. Lawler smiles at the camera and, excitedly says, “Welcome back to the Jerry Kinger show. It is my extreme pleasure to present to you the “King of the Catchphrases” debate featuring Stone Cold Steve Austin and The Rock! Now, I will start Austin off with the first question, and the two of you take it from there. Ok…Austin, tell us how you feel about The Rock.”
“King, that’s easy. He goes around, sniffing like a dog, raisin’ his eyebrow…like that’s supposed to mean something? The People’s Champ? More like the People’s Asshole.” Turning to the Rock, Austin continues, “You talk about your millions of fans, your electrifying this and electrifying that, well Stone Cold wants to know how many tubes of Preparation-H you are gonna need when I get through kickin’ your ass so bad that the only thing you’ll be feelin’ are your hemorrhoids.”
“You dare talk to the Rock about The Rock’s ass, and the Rock’s hemorrhoids? Just so you know, Austin…these hemorrhoids are not just The Rock’s hemorrhoids. These are THE PEOPLE’S HEMORRHOIDS!!!!” The audience starts cheering at the mention of The People’s anything. “Oh, bye the way Austin…do you like pancakes?” The audience breaks into knowing laughter.
“Stone Cold don’t give a damn if you care, but yes, I like pancakes.”
“Well then, Rattlesnake, pancake your ass back to the trailer park.”
“How about I pancake your ass into the ground you son-of-a-bitch.”
Before the two superstars could go at it again, Lawler asks another question. “Ok, ok…that was great. Now, Rock…what do you like to eat?” Rocky gives Lawler the People’s eyebrow and laughs.
“Well you know, King, The Rock likes many kinds of food. The Rock likes melons, the Rock likes tarts, and the Rock likes cherries. But…the Rock’s favorite food is pie. In the summer there’s peach pie. In the fall and winter, the Rock likes pumpkin pie. But, there is one pie the Rock likes all year round…it comes in different shapes and sizes, and – at least for the Rock – it comes in an endless supply. The Rock is talking about…Poontang Pie!” Once again, the crowd – and Lawler – go apeshit, causing Austin to jump in.
“Poontang Pie you stupid, silly son-of-a-bitch?” Turning away from Rocky, Austin stares down the stagehand and says, “hey you, you goofy bastard…where’s my beer?” The stagehand quickly runs to the backstage refrigerator, grabs what’s left of Stone Cold’s six-pack and throws it to him. “It’s about time you piece of trash.” Popping open a beer, Austin looks at Lawler, “if you can’t tell already King, I like beer. I’ll drink it in the morning, I’ll drink it in the middle of the day, I’ll drink it on your show…I’ll drink it any damn time I feel like it. And that’s the bottom line, ‘cause Stone Cold said so!” This time, the crowd cheers for Austin, hearing the familiar line for the first time in over six months.
“So, Stone Cold Steve Austin, you say you like beer? You like your beer in cans? The Rock bets you like to stack those cans real high, right? Well, let The Rock tell you what to do with that stack of cans. Take a bottle of super glue…glue those cans together and let ‘em dry. Ya takin’ notes, Austin? This will help you. The Rock says, when those cans are dry, their gonna look a little dull, right? Well, Rock wants you to take a tube of Vaseline and lube up those cans. Once that is done, The Rock wants you to take those lubed cans, shine ‘em up real nice, turn them sumbitches sideways and STICK THEM STRAIGHT UP YOUR CANDYASS…you roody-poo jabroni! As the audience jumps up and roars, Austin tries to jump The Rock, only to be stopped by the quick-thinking stage guards.
“I’m gonna kick your stupid bastard ass—,” Austin gets cut off by Lawler.
“Wow…this is turning out better than I expected. HAHA! Anyway, it is time for the ‘closing arguments.’ You each have 1 minute to convince the audience that you are the ‘King of the Catchphrases.’ Rocky, you will go first…you have 1 minute.”
The Rock cocks his head to the side and glares at Jerry. “If you would know your role and SHUT YOUR MOUTH for one second Lawler, you could hear the audience chanting The Rock’s name.” At this signal, “Rocky” chants began for the umpteenth time. “You know Austin, the time has come for the Great One. You’ve had your moment, swilling beer and taking your middle fingers out of your ass long enough to stick ‘em in Vince McMahon’s face. But, its time for you to move on and let the Great One bask in the millions of The Rock’s fans. So, as a public service, here is a map. See this map? You take Know Your Role Boulevard to Candyass Lane, turn left on Roodypoo Road and go straight until you reach Jabroni Drive. With this map is a lifetime pass to the Smackdown Hotel! Go now, or The Rock says he just have to send your ass there himself…IF YA SMELL-EL-EL-EL-EL-ELLLL, WHAT THE ROCK—,” he cocks his head to the side and raises his neck, giving one more People’s Eyebrow--,”IS COOKIN’”
Austin takes a couple of seconds, stares at The Rock and smiles, “Rocky, you like pie, you like pancakes, you like expensive shirts and shoes, you even like hotels. And we all know you like to stick things up people’s asses. Well you goofy son-of-a-bitch lets find out what the people like.” Kicking down the podium, Austin tears off the microphone and stands in the middle of the audience. “Do you want to see Stone Cold Steve Austin open up a can of whoopass?” The crowd screams, yeah!! “Well, if ya want to see Ol’ Stone Cold whoop The Rock’s bastard-ass, give me a HELL YEAH!” In the heat of the moment, the audience – including the legion of Rocky fans – yelled, HELL YEAH!!
At this moment, Stone Cold dropped the microphone, jumped over The Rock’s podium and began pummeling him in the face. Rocky flipped over Austin and began kicking him in the face. All of the sudden, Rocky grabs Austin and Lawler yelled…”Oh my god!! Rock Bottom, Rock Bottom!” Rocky plants Austin in the middle of the stage. “Oh, oh…oh no! The People’s Elbow! The People’s Elbow!” Rocky runs from one end of the stage to the other, bouncing off the stage guards…slides to the middle of the stage and drops the elbow directly on the Rattlesnakes chest. The audience goes wild and chants “Rocky, Rocky, Rocky.”
Lawler, being signaled by the production assistant, turns to the camera and smiles, “Well by the looks of this, and the looks of the crowd, we have a winner. The winner of the ‘King of the Catchphrases” is the Great One…THE ROCK!!!! But, lets just take a minute for Kinger’s Final Thoughts. Maybe its not fair to lose your fans because of an out of your control medical problem. Maybe today’s fans are just fickle…maybe not. Maybe they just know the MOST ELECTRIFYING MAN IN SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT when they see it. Who knows…maybe we will never know. Well, that’s it for now. Be good to each other.”
End of Episode #1.
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