Afterword
It has been two months now, sence the accident. It still seems like it happened yesterday. This tragedy effected our entire school. Although the laugher soon started up again and the band played on, there is still wholes in the hearts of many of us at Howell High School and around the community. If there is one positive outcome, it is that this has brought us all so much closer together, esspecially the band. Being around other people in band used to be uncomfortable for me, but when Hans was around, i felt fine and confident, as if i had an ally there with me. Now that I am going at this alone, i still have my ally. I may not always be able to hear his words, but in my mind and my heart is his spirit that rubbed off onto me. I will still look over at the chair by the "tiffanys"(timpani) and see the absence of my friend. The table where he sat his bag, lies my bag now. I find myself sitting at the timpanis more. Hans always like the timpanis, for two reasons. Number one, they were loud and he could always make a clarinet player, such as Katie, jump right out of her chair on the f-p rolls. The second reason he liked that seat, is it the most direct view of Christy. There, their eyes could meet and they could say what could not be said with words alone. Hans had one main reason for leaving the timpani. Although not his only reason, but the main one...well....i'll just sum it up with "Got Gong?" Yep, the gong was hans' favorite instrument. With that, he could even make drummers jump up. Our concert was a success. We all poured all of our souls into it. We put in 125%. It was very sad. But the part that really showed me that life goes on and will continue, is when Christy Allen played the Alto Sax solo in Shenandoah. She played so strongly and with so much of her heart, i just can't believe her. Such a strong person. I don't know how many of the rest of us could go through such a loss and push on, and succeed so greatly as she has. Although I can tell that she does have some bad days, it seems like the number of good days is increasing.. But, i do want her to know: "Christy if there is ever sometime you need to talk, want to talk, or need anything, please just let me know. You never know, i may be having a bad day and need someone to talk to also." Many people live life with happy faces on, but you never really know what is on their minds.
At the concert, Mr.Marzewski asked the audience not to applaud after the last two songs(shenandoah and amazing grace), he did ask that the parents give their kids a hug when the see them after the conclusion. The audience complied with his request. I was on my way out and my American Literature teacher, Mrs.Webster, stopped me. She gave me a hug. At that moment i half-way started to weep and cry. This is a teacher that showed so much support to us in just a mournful and confusing time. I can't possible explain with words what it meant to me, her taking time, when she could be on her way home, to give me a hug and show her support. It really lifted my spirits and made me feel so much better, because the end of the concert was very sad(if you'll notice the picture of the drum at the bottom of this page.) Christy and a few of Hans' other closest friends are in this class as well. Mrs.Webster, you've shown me that teachers are real people too and you can go to them for help and guidance. Some teachers, however, are different. The day after the accident, i spent 3,4 and 5 hours in the media center with hans' closest friends and the Allen family. The school had set up a crisis center. Not mentioning any names, i went to see a teacher after school to get the work i had missed for that day. There is no rule that says i had to get this work, but i wanted to get it to show the teachet that i still am putting an effort into school. When i walked in the room, the a big. "trying to seem funny" and "thinking that i am guilty of something" smile she said "And where were you today?" I could not believe she had said this to me. I was standing there with dozens of possible answers running through my head. I could have said "I'm sorry for missing your class today, i was in the library crying over my close friend that was killed yesterday morning. Next time when i lose a friend, my studies will come first," but i didn't. I just said "i was in the library." She then knew where i was and why i was gone. She just said "oh." She still wanted me to take a math test that friday, after not doing any homework for three nights. I went into her room before school and begged her to let me take the test after school another day. After almost falling apart and completely lossing control of myself, she agreed to let me take it monday after school. But there was one condition, I had to come to class that day (friday), i could not go down to the crisis center. So, i came to class and sat there, all hour, trying to do work, but accomplishing nothing. I was weeping all hour. She is an observant person, so i am sure she realized it. She offered no sympathy, she just kept pushing me harder. We discovered that she didn't know i was that good of friends with Hans'. How can a teacher think she knows who your friends are? Esspecially if you are the quiet kid in the back of the room. They can't, and should not attempted to think who you are and are not friends with. If they want to know, they can just ask. It isn't their business, anyways. I just hope for her sake, that when she loses someone close to
her, that she has someone there with her, supporting her, and giving her sympathy, because i would not want her to go through the hell that she put me through.
I would like to report a positive event that happened in the last month. The percussion quintet went to district solo and ensemble festival and received a one, superior rating. I really did not think we would do well. I could never stay on tempo during my timpani solos. I had hans' senoir picture(given to me by Christy. You don't know how much that meant to me. Thanks so much Christy) in my pocket for good luck. Well we performed for the judge, and we did pretty good, actually. I was on tempo, doing quite well. I guess i picked a good time to stay on tempo. When i couldn't stay on tempo, it almost seemed like Hans' when he couldn't stay on tempo. That got me thinking to, what if Hans' helped me during the performace for the judge? I did have his senior picture in my pocket for good luck. But then i remember, Hans had bad tempo. Then i though, well, maybe he was always helping me before, and durng the judging, maybe, he just sat back and watched as we did our thing. This was a group that Hans was going to be in with us. He never got that opportunity, however. Hans, this one was for you!!
My new favorite song is a song that helped me with this. It's titled "Friends are Friends Forever."
It is by Micheal W. Smith. The lyrics basically say that friends are friends forever because you will see them again, up in heaven. It also says that a lifetime is not too long to live apart, because you are still friends. Friendship is something that lasts from life to death, where ever it is our minds and souls go. This is an excellent message to give some who just lost a close friend. I couldn't recomment this song more.
There is currently alot of question to what we should do with Hans' marching snare drum he played on. Many people feel it should be retired, not to be played again, while many feel it should be played again. I personally wrote a letter to Dr.Kraegel asking him to have a meeting about the drum. I've gotten about 20 people who have signed it, in support of keeping the it in actice duty. These people incluse, three teachers, the band booster president. Hans' father, mother and sister sister. About 90% of the percussion section. Christy Allen, his girlfriend and Dave his bestfriend. I believe we have a strong case and can find a better alternative to retiring the drum.
Think of a stary night sky. When you are looking up at a star, you are actually seeing light from the star that has taken millions or even billions of years to get to you. This star may already be dead, and yet after all these years, we still know it existed. It's spirit lives on. Nature doesn't say the when the star dies, it's light stops and disapears. Nature says it contiues on. Now lets relate this back to Hans. He is gone. But should his spirit die, or should it contiue just as the light of the star, millions of years after it's death? The spirit should not just stop. It should be allowed to continue. Just as you admire the beautiful starlight, we can admire Hans' spirit, evertime someone plays the drum, breaks a drumhead on it, or takes it to pep games just as hans did with it. If you are to take away his spirit, then you are truely ridding this world of a wonderful and great thing. I've never seen so much power and determination within someone as i have with Hans. Please, i beg you, leave me the honor to play that dum next year in his memory. Leave the drummers of the furture the chance to know something about Hans. No, they won't know him personally, but they will know that he must have been such a great person for everyone to insist his drum be kept in serivce; his memory be continued.
Thomas James Beekman
Friday March 2, 2001
11:41pm |
