Pickup Line Winners Thanks to all entrants. We laughed, we cried, we thought we were on a singles cruise circa 1977. Here are the winners in our contest's two divisions: original pickup lines and true-life tales of success (and failure). PICKUP LINES, ORIGINAL DIVISION "Look. I hope you won't take this as any sort of 'line,' but there literally is a party in my pants, and you actually are invited. I know how it sounds . . . " — Reverend Smoothfield This one only works on a woman holding a baby: "So, I see you like to fuck." — Kevin Lessard "I'm going outside to make out: care to join me?" — Joey "I have a window office." — Alice Wu "I may not have gotten your virginity, but can I at least have the box it came in?" — Anna Maxbauer "You give me the hardest semi I have ever had." — Heather Maas "Hey baby, wanna go halfsies on a bastard child?" — Sara Goodrich "Do you believe in sex before the first date?" — Pete Checchia "Honey, your dad doesn't have a penis. He's got a paintbrush!" — Renzo Dasso "You are the most interesting piece of ass i've talked to all evening." — Joe M. HONORABLE MENTION "Hey beautiful, let's have more babies than we can feed." — William Bernthal "How would you like your eggs in the morning, scrambled or fertilized?" — Matthew Duafala "So . . . when you gonna let me up in them guts?" — Itzallinyahead@aol.com "So what do you do?" "I'm a lawyer and i'm trained to get you off." — Iroro I've been told that my dad's favorite pick-up line, back in those roaring '70s, was: "So, for breakfast tomorrow morning, do I call you on the phone or poke your ribs with my elbow?" — Sophie SUCCESSFUL PICK-UP LINES 1. Upon being introduced to an attractive guy in a bar one night when I was sort of down, I said, in my best forlorn-wallflower voice: "Can you kiss me on the cheek so I can say a cute guy kissed me tonight?" Needless to say, more than just a kiss on the cheek ensued, and friends have since employed this method with 100% success. — Lindsay Robertson 2. While waiting for a pizza, a very alternative blonde and friends pulled up stools next to me. We hit it off, so I went for it. I looked at her, gave her my best half-cocked grin, and said "letνs go to your place. The worst that could happen is youνll have a good time then send me on my way. Weνre both adults here, so we donνt have to answer to anyone — we can do whatever we want.ξ She then consulted her friends, who proceeded to write up a contract stating I had to guarantee her satisfaction. — Troy Hansen 3. Him: How you doin'? Me: Fine . . . Him: You sure got that right. Cheesy, but it worked (I was young, he was hot . . . ) — Julie 4. Okay, so I walk up to the handsome smoker at the bar and say, "Can I bum a cig?" As they hand it to me (which they do, 'cause guys are nice) and I'm placing it seductively on my lips, I say, "Why, thank you. I don't smoke, but I wanted something of yours in my mouth!" I use it a lot (even though I do smoke) and usually get a great jaw-drop and a cigarette (at the very least). — Amy C. Wise 5. Not a line I used, but one used on me: The best-looking man in the bar - who obviously knew it - leaned over while I was ordering a Cosmo and said with a sneer, "Your skin is so creamy I bet you never had a zit on your ass." After I stopped laughing, I asked him if that line ever worked on anyone before. Unamused, he continued to sneer when a female acquaintance of mine walked up, trying to hone in on what she thought was my great success. He gave me a knowing look, turned to her and repeated the line to her. Her response was quite different: "Why thank you!" She was truly charmed, and they ended up fucking in his car in the parking lot. He never called her (big surprise), and I never had the heart to tell her he'd tested the line on me first, although she loved to remind me how she got this guy "right out from under my nose." — Michelle Robichaud 6. He asked, "If you were offered the chance to have one year of perfect bliss, but you would have to forget everything at the end, would you take it?" I hemmed and hawed, asked technical questions. I finally said yes. He leaned in to whisper in my ear: "Well, you've already had your year of perfect bliss." I pricked with curiosity. "You were wonderful." He swore he made that up. I had gotten so into the mind game, it worked. He got the hookup. — Kate HONORABLE MENTION, MISERABLE FAILURE DIVISION Real-life pickup lines that failed to rock your world. 1. "Excuse me miss, are you a feminist?" "Yes, why?" "Because I'd like to backlash your booty like you were Susan Faludi." The previous exchange, which actually happened to me at the Science Museum in Boston a few months ago, was initiated with gentlemanly aplomb by a (supposedly) twenty-five-year-old MIT graduate student. I was wandering through the history-of-film exhibit when he glided toward me and posed his query with a rasping tone. His supreme self-confidence and utter suaveness — not to mention his deadpan expression — was just astounding, as was his ear-to-ear grin at my subsequent inability to make a witty rejoinder. I stared at him before walking away. He followed me, telling me of his graduate student status, and asking if I would be interested in participating in his "study," or, failing that, to go out to dinner with him that night. This all sounded highly dubious, but to soften the blow of turning him down, I mumbled something like, "At least your women's-studies course hasn't gone to waste." Somehow, I don't think he believed me. — Elizabeth 2. Back when I was in high school and going to all-ages clubs, I had a Navy sailor (about nineteen years old) tell me he was disease free. — Christine Hathaway 3. I was at a club to see the Donnas around the time of their second record. I saw the drummer walking around before the show, so I walked up to her and said, "Hey! I saw you at that Scorpions concert last night." "What? What are you taking about?" "Yeah, I saw you there because you rock me a hurricane!" She laughs. "Hold on. Don't move." She runs over to the merch booth and gets two of the other girls. "Quick, tell what you just told me." I said it again, and they all laughed at me. Me and the drummer girl never hooked up. — E. Casey Leydon 4. "Were both your parents retarded? Because you seem like a special girl to me." (I have NEVER used this nasty line. I have seen it be inflicted on a poor girl by a frat boy in Atlanta. Yikes.) — Rusty Halo