m y . t h o u g h t s . o n . t h i n g s

4/23/03
I guess this essay has to deal with religion. I seem to be drawn, once again, as always, to try and figure out and understand religious belief. Maybe I now know more than when I first wrote my Religion essay, maybe I now know less. Either way, I want to elaborate on my thoughts about belief and choice.

With all things considered, I think that we must choose what we want to believe. I think that the more we discover, the more we know that we cannot truly know anything. This type of thinking seems to destroy the very essence of religious belief - the more one studies about what they believe, the more they realize that their beliefs are backed, not by irrefutable knowledge (for there is very little in the world), but by faith. And I think this is why faith is hailed as a chief cornerstone of religious belief.

However, as of the past few years, I seem to find myself in a different class of people - those who cannot accept something based merely on faith. I find myself thinking too much for that. The naive assumption that because we don’t understand something means that it must be a mystery assigned to God doesn’t cut it for me. Just because we don’t understand something right now, doesn't mean that it is non-understandable and a “God-mysterty”. I think that this is a poor excuse for religious belief.

It is natural to assume that I have come to the position of atheism or agnosticism. In the back of my mind, I cannot say with certainty that a God or a supernatural power exists. The more I learn, the more I discover the opposite could very well be true. However, recently, after several years of turning things over in my mind, I think I’m finally at a place where I am comfortable and my mind can rest. Quite unexpectedly, I find myself in an odd position, seeming to contradict all that I am arguing: I am choosing to believe in that which I know may not be true.

Through an email or two, I’ve discovered that this idea baffles most people. How can I state that I believe in something, yet claim that, deep down, I may not think it to be true? I’m contradicting myself, aren’t I? Well, I think that choice plays an important part here (of course, this brings in the whole topic of free will/choice/determinism, which I’ll have to discuss in a future essay). I do not KNOW if a God exists, in fact, I’m always finding new information that could lead to His nonexistence. And while I still consider these “proofs” as valuable and thought-provoking, I have decided to choose to believe what I want. Call it knowingly self-deluding myself if you’d like, but this life is short and while it may sound as though I’m a cop-out, I’m getting quite worn out constantly lost in thoughts leading only in perpetual circles of questions.

I am CHOOSING to believe that a God exists, and this choice surpasses the truth of His existence. I want to believe that there is something beyond me, even if the ‘something’ isn’t defined by a particular religion or system of beliefs. Again, maybe I am deluding myself, covering up the truth. But maybe Truth is overrated, maybe we must learn to be comfortable with uncertainty since it seems as though we are faced with it constantly.

I seriously doubt that I will ever get to a point where I become a ‘religious’ person. I seriously doubt that I will ever turn my back on facts proving God’s nonexistence. I very seriously, highly doubt that I will ever stop thinking and questioning....I will never just accept things.

In conclusion, I must reiterate: Choice exists separately from Truth. Belief exists separately from Knowledge. You can choose what you believe. You cannot choose what you know. I know that God may not exist, but I choose to believe that He does.

last updated:
9/21/04