m y . t h o u g h t s . o n . t h i n g s

written fall 2000:
A good friend of mine's dad is in the hospital right now dying. It really makes me wonder. There comes a time in everyone's lives where, for whatever reason, the subject of death is brought up, maybe not necessarily out loud, but in one's thoughts. I've only been to one funereal in my life, only once seen someone actually dead (and that was in paying last respects to a deceased relative). I've never had to experience the death of a personal close friend or close relative. I honestly can't understand others who've had to experience that, and because of this, the rest of this essay must be read with that fact in mind.

It's hard for me to understand the sadness that comes with people's demise. And yet, to not be sad at the death of one seems to portray a cruel character of the individual not sad. But is death something necessarily something to be mourned? Why is death considered to be such a sad event? When we mourn for another's death, are we really mourning for them and for their unfortune or our we mourning for ourselves because WE have lost them? I'm not saying that we are being selfish and stupid and should not care at all what happens to other people, but I'm wondering if the death of a person is as unfortunate of an event to them as it is so to us.

After all, everyone dies. It is as impossible to escape from death as it is to escape from birth. And yet, the subject of death is too often kept hush-hush for it is too morbid to talk about in most people's eyes. Birth, however, is celebrated and joyfully talked about. Everyone asks when so-and-so is due or asks about the baby's weight and height and gives presents and everyone is happy. Yes, it would seem a very disrespectful person and wrong thing to be happy for someone's death, but why? What makes the end of life worse than the beginning? We were all born to die. Yeah, we might accomplish many things in life not possible after death, and therefore feel we were born to accomplish them. But, honestly, the moment we were born we began waiting to die.

I guess I see death as such a natural thing, a step everyone, at one point or another will have to take. I do not see it as a sad event in itself. Rather, the fact that WE will no longer be with them, not that THEY will no longer be with US as the "great misfortune".

But, if someone you know does die and you are able to understand this and handle the fact that you will not see them again and so therefore do not need to mourn (for yourself), why do others then look at you as though you have no heart, as though you are mean and unsympathetic, or, even worse, as though you must not be able to handle the death and must be in shock?

So, if I'm faced with another relative's death in the future, I find it an awkward thing to handle. How do I handle the death without looking like I don't have a heart? Probably, what will happen, 'cause it always does, is that nothing will be said 'cause no one knows what to say. Some will cry and some will just sit there. You will be judged, perhaps unconsciously, as to what extent you mourn. And you won't know what to say to those that are hurting. Because, though you don't mourn (for yourself) for the one who died, you are sympathetic and you do care for the one hurting. You want to help them, but you have no idea how. And so you sit there, appearing to them unsympathetic an cruel, but really you care so much that you don't want to run the risk of saying something, only to be taken in the wrong context and hurt them more.

last updated:
9/21/04