m y . t h o u g h t s . o n . t h i n g s

written Summer 2001:
Religion is a smile on a dog. These are the words of some song that sometimes gets stuck in my head but I never really pay attention to. But, really, what does that mean: religion is a smile on a dog? I used to not understand and think that lyrics like that could only written by someone who either never experienced religion or had some built-up bitterness towards it. But now, I'm realizing that maybe the writer, because she wasn't making sense, was making sense after all.

I've been thinking a lot about religion recently. It's a crazy thing. It can be one of the most powerful forces, influencing people to a point where nothing can compare to religion. Some hold 'religion' higher that anything else in life. But what is religion? It's kinda vague, actually; everyone has their own definition of what religion is to them, And yet, it's such a driving force in so many people's lives. Religion: an undefinable basis for so many people. Doesn't anyone find it strange that that which they claim to be above all doesn't even have a set-in-stone basis? No, because when you believe in religion, you shut your eyes to this fact and call it faith.

Now don't get me wrong. I don't hate religion or think religious people are stupid. In fact, I would LOVE for there to be a God and a purpose to life. And I'm beginning to think that religious people are smart: Perhaps it's better to be ignorant, but happy. The truth hurts. Maybe we're better off believing lies. Do you know how magical the world would seem if I still believed in Santa? Yes, Santa is a lie, but a happy lie. Perhaps it was better for us when we still believed than when we learned the dissapointing truth that he was a lie.

I want to believe in God. I want to understand this world and the concept of life. I want there to be this magical, all-knowing, all-powerful force to which I can claim that everything makes sense because of. But, just because you want something doesn't make it happen. And just because you believe in something doesn't make it true.

I also almost wish I hadn't been raised in such a Christian community. I wish I didn't know how all of Christianity works, for if it still held some mystery or magic to me, part of me would still be attracted to it and I could possibly allow myself to believe it.

It's funny to me when I think about where I've come from, how much I used to believe in [the Christian]God, all the 'answers' I knew, all those times I intelligently (or so I thought) argued FOR God. It's also kinda funny how I started to lose my belief, faith, religion exactly at the point when I decided to completely challenge myself to live for God. I then did something I don't suggest to anyone who wants to remain honest to themselves and have faith in their religion: I started asking questions. Questions, I discovered, that didn't have easy answers, that, in fact, hardly had answers at all. And I slowly started realizing how powerful and influential religion is. I realized that religion had a funny way of icing over the questions so that the answers no longer seemed important to find. It's real funny, but if you begin to look at religion from the inside-out, you can see so many things. Hardly anyone allows themselves to look at things this way, though. Because it's hard. And discovering you've lived your whole life in what could all be lies hurts. A lot.

I've got in discussions with people about their religion. Deep, open conversations about what they honestly believe and why. I suggest this to anyone of religious faith: Find someone of a slightly different religion/denomination than you and talk to them with an open mind about what they think. Don't judge them or try to change their ways. Just listen and find out where they are coming from. It will blow your mind when you realize how silly other people's religions sound, because it's not yours and how the other person deep down is searching for the same thing as you: meaning. And meaning is offered through religion of any kind, not just yours.

So, all-in-all, I don't know what I believe. I know believing in a God would be the easiest and happiest thing to do. But how do you make yourself believe in something you don't. You can't. I'm not an atheist, I don't not believe in God. I don't even know if I'm an agnostic, either, 'cause I don't really know what that means. I'm not a Christian (even though I feel that I must claim this) and I'm sure not any other other religion, either. Do I have to claim something? Can't I just be 'currently without religion'? That probably describes me best.
  
I would absolutely LOVE to discuss religion with anyone who wants to email me. I think hearing other people's viewpoints causes us to think about our own. However, I only have one stipulation: please, please DO NOT write me if you are only going to say "Jesus died on the cross for you. He loves you, That is truth and you have to believe it!" or something of that sort. Feel free to argue Christianity with me, but please, please don't be ignorant about it. All I ask is an open mind.

Thanks!

last updated:
9/21/04