Josh Raup is
The Minister of Strat Mayhem
Volume I, Number 7
July, 2001
Taking the Reigns
So this is what it’s like to be a
columnist. Neat. Oh, I suppose I should inform all of you out
there that your regular columnist has been replaced for this installment by yours
truly, Dr. Strangeglove. How did this
transpire? Well, instead of suing him
for non-payment (Monopoly money, real funny), I said I’d take over his column
for a spell instead. After much
grumbling, and a serious pouting fit, my erstwhile patient surrendered his
keyboard to moi. Now I am in charge, so
there’s no need to worry.
Now,
the big question I have is what to write about. (HEY! Get out of my fridge. No,
you can’t have the last lager. Sheesh.) I suppose I could delve into the more
professional psychotheruputics of Strato, or baseball in general, but nah, I do
that for a living. Instead, I think
I’ll just ramble on nonsensically on random topics as they strike me.
Recently,
Fr. Andrew Greeley (Chicago area Catholic priest, and syndicated
columnist) had an article on being a
Cub’s fan. It was an entertaining read,
with a banner line of "“Being a Cub's fan second only to Religion.” What a way to start. In the article he warns that those
supposedly lovable Cub’s fans aren’t really so lovable. He clearly warns that if they ever do win
the Series, they’ll be insufferable gloats, making Yankee fans look tame in
comparison. Greeley says that he has a
list of White Sox fans he’s gonna call and mercilessly gloat to should this
event come to pass. However, I would
warn Fr. Greeley of something that I once heard on SNL, “If ever the little
bears from the windy place win the World Series, it is a sure sign of the
apocalypse.”
But
despite his desire to bring on Armageddon so soon, the article title got me
thinking. (Hush you. This would not be the first time.) I got to thinking about religion and
baseball in general. How baseball is
almost a religion unto itself. I mean,
there are baseball gods, and hero deities.
We know that the baseball gods play favorites, and like to mess with
their poor parishoners on a regular basis.
I mean, how else do explain Bobby Tompson, Bill Buckner, Calvin
Schiraldi, or Tony Fernandez? Or how do
you explain Brady Anderson hitting 50HR in a season? The gods of baseball can be fickle creatures, giving a moment of
glory to a duff (Anderson), or just being down right mean to fans (Bill
Buckner). Then there are all those
patron saints of Basbeball. From Gehrig
and Ruth to Schmidt and Stargell, and Cy Young and Walter Johnson to Nolan Ryan
and Steve Carlton. There’s a patron
saint for each and every position, for all kinds of players (Mario Mendoza
anyone?). So, in many ways, baseball is
the true American religion.
Another
article struck me too. Sports
Illustrated had a short columnist article of the 1941 season. This goes back to the whole patron saints
and gods of baseball of the previous paragraph. The article talks about how the world changed, and baseball in
particular on December 7, 1941. Hank
Greenberg, 1940 AL MVP, had just finished up a stint in the US Army, and the
papers reported on Dec 6, 1941, that Greenberg would be returning to Detroit to
play. Then, December 7, 1941
happened. On December 9, Greenberg
(then 30), reupped on his own for the Army.
Others were soon to follow. Ted
Williams, Joe Dimagio, Bob Feller, and others followed suit, giving up prime
years of their baseball careers to serve their country. Even though these guys lost 3-5 years of
playing time, they are all enshrined in Cooperstown, NY. But just think about what their numbers
career wise would be, had they not lost those years (Williams returned to USMC
service for the Korean War as well, losing another 2 years). But, the article had a single sentiment,
which I agree with, and repeat here: “I would think that we too would have
answered that call. That I, Mark
McGwire, and other stars would set aside the joys of baseball to answer a
higher call, and would have followed in the steps of those that did.”
Well,
me and my 99 leagues are progressing along nicely. I did have to cut back a bit, so I’m only commissioner in 48 of
them now. But, in dealing with all
this, I’ve run across many common questions, and to avoid repeating myself
(like Dear Abby or Ann Landers), I’ll just post them here, with corresponding
answers.
Dear
Doctor: My league commissioner hates me, and thinks I’m a spoiled brat. All because I wouldn’t trade him Manny
Ramirez for Peter Bergeron. What am I
to do?
Well,
I would call him a nut job, and have him committed. What idiot would make that trade?
Dear
Doctor: Which is better, clutch hitting or weather effects?
Remember
this simple rule: Clutch is cool,
weather is cruel.
Dear
Doctor: I think that several members of
my league are cheating. How can I be
sure, and what should I do
about it?
Depends
on your league. If you use the PC game,
get a good hacker and raid his pc files, and watch him as he
plays the games. If he is cheating, wipe his hard drive
clean, and have him committed. Electro
shock therapy is
a wonderful thing.
Dear
Doctor: It’s only June, and I’m already getting ready for the next draft. Do I have a problem?
Hell yes you do. Get help fast. I highly recommend Dr. Strangeglove’s 12 step program for Strato
addicts, available for $19.95 from finer retailers everywhere.
Well, I guess I’m out of
steam here (Yes, you get your computer back soon). So I’m signing off. You
know, I kinda like this, maybe I’ll do it again (No, I won’t get my own column. Why should I? I have yours. Or would
you prefer to talk to my lawyer?)Maybe I’ll become a new answer man, after all
I’m full of em. So, be sure to send
your questions of importance to me, Dr. Strangeglove, c/o Deaconblue3@juno.com,
with the subject of “Questions for the Good Doctor.” As soon as I have enough, I’ll do another one of these joyous
ramble sessions. Ok, it’s all yours
now….
The Minister for Strat Mayhem is Josh
Raup
www.oocities.org/highoaksdrifter
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