By Hime D.

It has been two years since the end of the war. It's good to finally have some peace around. No more killing, no more missions, and no more boom boom kaboom though I sure miss that last part.

Quatre has gone into his family business, running what his father has left him and taking care of his family and corp. Trowa has gone to the circus. I sometimes go there, just to seek some entertainment and of course, a little reunion with my pal. Wufei is still with the Preventers. I bet he's gonna marry Sally in a short time or my name isn't Duo Maxwell.

But I wonder about my bestfriend Heero… or I think I think of him as one. I still dunno what he thinks of me. After the last fight, he disappeared. Nobody knows where he is. Even that Relena who used to chase him all over creation.

*******

It's one of the bright days at the Maxwell House. Maxwell House? Yeah. You see, with some money I got by 'luck', I've built a house for war orphans. The war has ended but its outcome does not stop right there with it. There are still a lot of orphans in this colony, like I used to be and I have no intention to let them suffer. I know the bitterness of street life more than anyone. There are seven orphans left in this house, 3 boys and 4 girls. The others have already been adopted. There are also two volunteers named Caroline and Mary, and a poor doctor named Norman who doesn't even have enough money to rent a room in a cheap apartment. I give the doctor a place to stay and food to eat, and he helps me with the kids. Quite fair, right?

It's one of the bright days in Maxwell House. The kids are still in school. I am chatting about our new benefactors with Norman when I hear the telephone ringing. I excuse myself from the doctor and go to pick it up. "Maxwell House, Duo Maxwell speaking here, how may I help you?"

"Duo, it's Quatre."

I smile. I haven't heard anything from him since last month. "Quatre! How are you, man? Haven't seen you in quite a long time, huh?"

"Aa."

The short reply has already told me that something is wrong. "What is it, man? I bet you have a business matter to discuss."

"It's not… a business matter, Duo. Dr J contacted me this morning."

Ah! That old scientist. What's his business? "Uhuh?"

"It's about Heero."

The name gives me pause. Quatre has found out about Heero's whereabouts? It's good news to me, but somehow I feel that there'll be bad news to follow. "What about him? He's okay, isn't he?"

Quatre's voice sounds strangled. "Duo, you have to go to the MMC Hospital in L1 Colony. Please. I'll send you the ticket right away. I've contacted Trowa and Wufei too. They'll be there in 24 hours."

"Hey, man. What's wrong? Did he try to self-destruct again?" That wouldn't be very surprising.

The Arabian man doesn't answer. Instead, he just says, "Please be there, Duo. He is in room 1001. I have to go now, I have a flight to catch. Ja na."

Before I manage to say anything else, the connection is cut. I stare at the receiver and frown. That didn't sound like the Quatre I know. I wonder what he's been up to.

"Who was it, Duo?" Norman asks.

"A friend of mine," I answer, still slightly confused. "He said that my friend Heero is in the MMC Hospital and I have to go there at once. Isn't that strange? He didn't have to be so insistent like that. He knows I'll go sooner or later. It's Heero we're talking about."

The doctor looks surprised at the mention of the hospital's name, adding to my confusion. After a while, the usually cheerful doctor says seriously, "I believe you should go there as soon as possible, Duo."

"Why?"

"L1's MMC Hospital is a special hospital."

"How special it is?"

"It's where the patients with exceptional diseases are being treated."

The hair on my spine stands. "Exceptional disease… like?"

"Diseases whose victims are considered to have almost zero chance to survive."

*******

Quatre, Trowa, and Wufei are already there when I arrive at the hospital. I notice that Quatre's face is very pale. Trowa looks very disturbed and Wufei looks like he is ready to explode. I also notice some doctors with troubled expressions. Ignoring the tension in my knees and the slight headache I have from the jetlag, I run to them. "How is he?" I ask with worry.

"Bad," Trowa answers.

Damn it, Heero. If even T-man shows horror in his eyes, I don't even want to know how bad your condition is. "How bad?"

The French boy gestures to the door. I frown, but I don't give any further comment. I walk to the door and open it.

I close the door behind me as I step in. The room looks like a tornado has passed through it. The bed is turned upside down; its sheets are no better than rags. Everything is scattered here and there. The wallpapers on the walls are literally clawed down, so is the curtain on the window. Heck, even _my_ room is far far better than this. And they used to call my room a sunken ship!

In a corner, I notice a writhing figure. I come closer, not able to believe what I am seeing.

Heero is tied in a straightjacket. He is huddling to the corner, his body shivers uncontrollably, his eyes are empty. From what I've seen, he looks like a trapped animal ready to kill.

"…Heero?"

His whole body tenses when he hears me. He looks disoriented at first, but then he whispers harshly, "…Duo?" He tries to stand up, an effort that apparently takes all the energy he has left. His knees give up.

"Heero!" I catch him before he falls to the floor.

He sags into me like his whole life depends on it. I am so perplexed that I can only hold him tight. He sobs in my arms, pleading. "Duo… help… help me…."

*******

Finally Heero falls asleep with the aid of a shot of morphine. We are waiting outside the room. I sit on the bench, wondering what the Hell is happening to Heero. He doesn't seem to be the old Heero I use to know. This Heero looks like a child lost in the dark. The old Heero was a lost child too, but not like this. Not this bad.

The doctor in charge finally came out of the room. "What's happening to him?" I ask him.

He sighs and says, "The patient has a serious case of brain damage."

I am shocked. "Brain damage?! How can that be?"

A voice answers from behind me. "It's because of the Zero System."

I turn around to see Dr J. The old man looks somehow somber despite his artificial eyes that show nothing.

"As we all know, the system has the danger of causing brain damage because of information overload. As far as we all knew, only Heero and Zechs Marquise can master the system with minor damage."

"Yeah, and that means Heero survived that freaky machine. But then what?"

"Heero has a neurotic disorder, which explains his suicidal tendency and anti-social behavior. Apparently the system detected it and managed to make a termination program. Unfortunately, it's also making a slow termination on parts of his nervous system and the termination is spreading slowly like a cancer."

"Are you trying to say that Heero is taking one way ticket to insanity?"

"No. I'm saying that his nervous system is shutting down slowly."

I… am… so shocked. No… it's more than shocked…. For once I can't find more suitable words to fit…. Heero…. "You mean… he's turning into a vegetable…?"

"Aa."

I stand up abruptly from my seat on the bench, causing my ex-pilot friends and the doctors to stare in surprise. There is a tremendous anger building inside me that is far from controllable. I bet they all can see it in my eyes as I slam my fist on the wall.

"Why… why him…. Hasn't he had enough? When will life stop torturing him over and over?" My voice is trembling. No shit. Even my eyes are hot and threatening to burst out tears. Must not cry… must not cry…. Wufei will laugh his ass off. But who cares? Damn it!

I lift my face and look around. Quatre is already sobbing in Trowa's arms. The boy is getting softer than ever. But I understand him. I would cry too if I were alone. I can't cry now. I have to be strong for Heero. I have to be strong for the others.

I stare at Dr J. wondering what lies behind that lunatic brain of his. Does he feel sorry for Heero? Or does he feel nothing for the boy who served only as his pawn? The boy who was the Perfect Soldier he created for the war? …Oh God… What am I thinking? The scientists are the ones who have created the Zero System. They have their own share of guilt. It wouldn't be fair to blame them.

But life is never fair. What will you say to that, Wufei? There's no justice in this world and I guess you've realized that too by now.

I run my fingers through the chestnut locks of my hair. "Doctor…."

The doctor in charge of Heero turns to look at me.

"Is there any hope… for Heero?"

"We are trying our best…."

He looks doubtful enough to me. Let me guess what he's going to say…. 'But we can only hope for a miracle?'

"…But we can only hope for a miracle."

Yappari…. Too bad, Doc. I don't believe in miracles.

*******

Since then, I've been staying in the hospital with Heero. I don't have to worry about the Maxwell House because I have put it in Norman's hands. The doctor is trustworthy enough and the kids like him. All I need is to make a five minutes call once a week to make sure everything's under control.

From that day, I always stay near Heero. I won't leave him if I don't have to, and if I do, I'll make sure that he's not alone. What I'm afraid of is that he's going to try killing himself. He's done it several times in the past and there's no doubt he's going to give it another try in the future. He'd rather be dead than having no control over himself.

Heero makes no progress. In fact, I dare say his condition is getting worse day by day. He forgets easily, he even forgets what he's just eaten. He can't figure how to activate an MS while he used to practically live with the thing. It is depressing, for me and for him especially. I've never seen him so helpless in all my life.

*******

He tried to kill himself this morning. He sliced his wrist with the knife I used to spread strawberry jam on my bread. Damn it! I shouldn't have left it on the table when I went to the telephone booth to make a call to the House. Fortunately, a nurse found him. After he was restrained, they strapped him into the jacket again.

"Baka," I scold him.

He doesn't say a thing. He just lies on the bed staring at the ceiling. He even looks like he's not listening to me.

"You promised me you won't kill yourself, Heero."

"…I can't live like this, Duo…." His voice is strangely calm, but behind that calm, there is a tinge of despair that can not escape my hearing. "I can't. This is driving me crazy and I can't do anything about it. My head feels empty, every nerve in my body and my brain hurts like Hell. I can't focus on anything." He looks so depressed as he turns to me. "I can't even remember _her_ name, Duo."

I wince at that. Heero can't remember her name…. "It's Relena, Heero. Relena Peacecraft. I hope you still remember her face too so she won't be so disappointed, like the last time she came to visit." The last time she came to visit him, she ran out of the room crying. Heero couldn't remember her. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how she cried, he couldn't remember. All he remembered was a vague sense of familiarity, as he told me afterwards.

I sigh in defeat as he shakes his head. "Heero," I ask, "What do you remember? Who do you remember?" The question sounds weird, but I think it's a good method of therapy. Not that I'm the world's best shrink, thank you. At least by feeding him his own memories, he can keep his sanity a little longer.

The boy stares at the ceiling again. "…I remember… vaguely… that boy… he helped me retrieving Wing…."

"Trowa. Trowa Barton."

"Yes…. Then… the boy who was in Wing Zero…."

So that is Heero's strongest memory of Quatre? Jeez. "Quatre. Quatre Raberba Winner."

"And this guy… I fought with him… we argued about… justice…."

I stifle a chuckle. I wonder if Heero still holds a grudge against the Chinese boy. "It's Wufei. Chang Wufei, the world's worst justice junky."

Heero gives me a look.

I chuckle. "So Heero, is there anyone or anything else you remember?"

"Well…," he closes his eyes, trying to remember more. "There're these… five scientists… a general… a masked man… and… an assassin…."

"The scientists are Dr J, Prof. G, Dr S, Instructor H, and Master O. The general… I don't know. Maybe Treize Khushrenada or General Noventa. The masked man was Zechs Marquise or Milliard Peacecraft, Relena's bro. But… an assassin? Sorry, Heero. I don't know who you're talking about."

He sighs. "It's okay. I just remember him telling me… to always follow my feelings."

I grin. "A wise advice."

"I feel like I want to die."

"Correction. It happens to be not such a good idea."

The boy chuckles. It was the first one I ever saw ever since we met again. "Hey, what's so funny?" It's always good to see him lighten up.

"Nothing." He looks at me and smiles. A real smile.

I can feel the heat rising to my cheeks. My, he's too cute for his own good, even in his current condition.

"Arigatou, Duo."

"Huh?" I break out from my musing and look back at him. "What for?"

"Iya." He looks back to the ceiling and closes his eyes. That smile is still there.

Watching him drifting slowly to sleep, I can't help but smile as well.

*******

Twenty-eight days after my arrival in the hospital. Heero's physical condition is still getting worse, though his mental state is relatively better. He never tries to kill himself again and starts to accept his condition.

But worse things are yet to come.

I've just made another call to the House. Charry, the youngest of the kids, has been taken in by an old couple. Norman has made sure that they will do their best for the little girl. I feel happy for the kid. She deserves the best she can have.

I walk into Heero's room. He hasn't wake up yet. That's funny…. He usually wakes up before eight and it's eleven already. I walk over to his bed and shake him. "Hey, sleepy head. Wake up."

The boy mumbles incoherently.

"Come on, come on! Rise and shine!"

"But it's still dark outside…," he answers in a slurred tone.

Dark? But it's bright as a day can get. "Heero… it's fifteen past eleven already."

His eyes snap open wide. For a moment, he goes silent. "Duo…," his voice is trembling, "Did you turn off the lights?"

Oh God… please tell me this ain't happening…. "Heero?"

"Duo…," he's groping around trying to find me. I catch him before he falls from the bed. "Duo… I can't see anything…."

He's scared, I can tell. I'm scared too. I push the button on the table beside his bed and call the nurse. "Quick! Get me the doctor!"

*******

"It has attacked his occipital lobes," the doctor informs me, once Heero has fallen asleep with another dose of morphine.

"Sorry, Doc. But I've forgotten my biology lessons years ago," I said sourly. I have lost my entire mood, yet my mouth still manages to crack a joke. I hate my mouth.

"It's where the primary visual sensory activity takes place in a brain."

"Are you saying that this blindness is not just temporary?"

The doctor nods.

I feel the world crumble around me. Heero… is blind? Somehow my brain does not easily digest that. Losing his physical abilities is bad enough for him, but his sight? How the Hell am I going to tell him that?! "Things can't be any worse, right, Doc?"

"Unfortunately it has begun its attack to the other lobes, Mr. Maxwell. Soon the patient will be losing his auditive functions, then his somaesthetic functions, which means he won't be able to hear anything, or feel anything. His contact to his surroundings will be totally lost."

I hate this doctor. How can he tell me this, yet be so calm? "Can we prevent that from happening?"

The doctor shakes his head and turns to leave.

I glare at him. Probably I'll just have to kill that bastard some day.

Trying hard to suppress the anger inside me, I walk towards the bed and throw myself in the chair next to it. Staring at Heero's prone figure, I can hardly manage to prevent the tears from falling from my eyes.

Heero, how am I going to tell you this?

*******

I hear his incoherent mumble. Apparently he's awake. I turn from my tea-making and approach him quickly. "Heero," I take his hand and try to sound normal, "You're awake."

He opens his eyes. I flinch as I see the emptiness there. There's no sign that his eyes are functioning.

"Duo…," his weak voice calls me.

"What is it, Heero?"

"I can't see anything…."

I take a deep breath and smile wryly, not that he can see me anyway. "I know. Just calm down."

"…It's starting to happen, isn't it?"

"Nani?"

He doesn’t answer. Instead, he closes his eyes and throws an arm across them. There's silence. I don't know what's happening before I finally notice the soft sound of restrained sobs. I wonder if he has calculated this as well. Heero is smart, even in his current condition. He must have guessed.

"What's next, Duo?" His voice brings me back to reality. "My hearing?"

My silence has confirmed his guess.

"When am I going to turn completely into a vegetable?"

"Heero!"

"That's what I'm turning into, right, Duo? A vegetable! Do you think I can handle that? I'd rather die!"

My hand works faster than my mouth. I don't realize that I've slapped his across the face until I hear his soft gasp of mixed surprise and pain.

"Do you think I'm gonna let you die on me just like that?" My eyes are burning. They're so hot and starting to water. My throat is sore, tense from the emotion I'm feeling. I don't care at all; I am too upset to even notice. "Is that all you have in your mind? To kill yourself? Do you think of yourself so little?"

"Do I even deserve to live?" comes his sour reply. "I killed so many people that I can't remember how many lives are gone because of me."

"Than you have to live to the end!" I snap back at him, grabbing both sides of his arms He looks startled. "You realize you killed people and you feel sorry. That's already good. You don't have to kill yourself as well or you shouldn't have killed them in the first place. You killed them to survive. If you die now, their sacrifices will be useless. Can't you see the point, Heero Yuy?!" I shake him to emphasize my words. "You. Must. Not. Die!!"

There's a silence after that. He falls silent, trying to comprehend my little speech. Wordlessly, I let go of him. However, before I manage to walk away, he moves forward, reaching blindly for me. I manage to catch him before he falls from the bed. "Heero, be careful!" I scold him.

"Duo," he doesn't seem to hear me. He lifts a hand and reaches for my face. He moves his hand, trailing his fingers over my face. I am puzzled by his actions, but maybe it's his way of renewing his memory of my looks. Damn it, he has seen me 24 hours ago. Has he forgotten already?

But I am wrong. His fingers find my lips. I see him smile. I try to protest as his free hand grabs my hair but my lips are silenced by his.

Wait a minute. He is KISSING me?!!! Heero is kissing ME???!!!!

After a while, we break apart. His face is a bit flushed. I bet mine is crimson red. "Heero," still dazed, I ask him the question that's spinning around my head demanding an answer. "Why?"

He blushes, but he doesn't let go of his hold on my hair. "I… I love you, Duo…."

This is crazy… absolutely crazy….

"I have loved you… ever since… I met you the first time."

I don't know if the world can get crazier than this. "Yeah right. First time I met you I shot you. Twice."

He looks so disappointed. "…You don't love me?"

Checkmate.

"You don't, do you?"

If I tell him no, will he kill himself? "Heero… I…."

He releases his grip on my hair and pulls the blanket over, hiding himself from me.

He needs comfort and I'm the only one who can give it to him.

"I think I love you too…."

His head comes out from behind the blanket and turns to me. The look of disbelief clearly shows on his face.

I bring myself closer to him and slowly kiss him on the forehead. He blushes crimson red and smiles.

I'm not lying to him, I'm not lying to him. I keep saying that to myself as Heero pulls me into the bed with him. I do love him… as a friend….

I run… I hide… but I don't lie….

He kisses me hungrily. His hands roam over my body, shyly at first and become more insistent the longer it gets.

The things I'll do for you….

I pull the blanket over our heads.

Heero….

*******

Since then, Heero has been strong. He never shows any sign of fear again. He's even calmer than I am when his hearing gradually weakens before it finally goes completely off. He says it's okay… as long as he can still touch me.

I write on his palm, "But when your sensory nerves shut down?"

"I will still be able to feel your presence near me," he calmly answers.

My heart hurts. Heero, how can you feel for me that deeply? And how can I lie to you? Telling you that I love you?

No! I shake my head vigorously. I don't lie. I do love him.

Heero smiles and kisses my hands.

My tears roll down my cheek.

I do love you… as a friend….

*******

I stare at the figure before me silently. He looks so peaceful. But whenever I touch him, he stays still. There is no response.

Last night… last night he could still smile in response of the jokes I'd written on his palm. Last night we kissed passionately… and… made love… like there'd be no tomorrow.

Who'd have known that there _was_ no tomorrow for us?

This morning I woke up by his side, only to find him not responding to my touch at all. I shook him hard, but he didn't wake up. It wasn't supposed to be like that so I quickly dressed and called the doctor.

The termination has not only damaged his sensory nerves, but it also damaged his cerebellum. It will only be a matter of time before it completely conquers entire part of his brain including the medulla oblongata. And when it happens…

…there will be no more Heero Yuy.

I rub the back of my fingers on his cheek. How much time do you have left, Heero? A day or two? It's so fast… too fast…. I feel like you've just told me yesterday that you love me.

I chuckle silently. And I said I loved you too. But I've never been able to say… just as a friend. I'm being unfair to you, ain't I?

"Mr. Maxwell."

I turn to see a nurse behind me. "Yes?"

She looks hesitant. "Er… Mr. Yuy wanted me to give this to you." She hands me a disk.

I am surprised. "Heero?"

"Yes," she nods. "He asked me to sneak a laptop in his room so he could write a letter to you, so I lent him my notebook. He could type without any single mistake, even without his eyes. He saved his work in this disk and asked me to give it to you when he wouldn't be able to talk to you again."

I accept the disk from her. The boy managed to write a letter to me without me knowing it. How the Hell did he do that? "May I borrow your notebook?" I ask the kind nurse.

She nods and gives me the notebook she always carries with her. After that, she leaves to give me some privacy.

I turn on the notebook and insert the disk. There's only one file inside. I open it.

*******

*******

So he knows….

I look at the body on the bed, surrounded by life-support machines, detectors, and an IV. He looks so peaceful. I swear I see him smiling at me.

Heero… I don't know what to say….

And I don't know whether to be angry with you or not….

But one thing for sure….

At least… you don't have to suffer anymore….

Sayonara… Heero….

End of A Reason to Live