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Published
Interviews
The
Truth Reviled
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By Bernard Fanning, Darren Middleton, Ian Haug, John
Collins, Jon Coghill
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Published in Recovery Magazine
Interview
with Darren Middleton by Jonathan Coghill
I
arrived at Darren’s place at 11am, just after he’s
finished his hour of meditation and five hours of
Tantric sex that was recommended to him by Marilyn
Manson and Courtney Love on the previous Big Day Out
tour. Darren answered the door looking a little worn out
but said he had a spare ten minutes in his schedule and
seeing as I was a band member, he would give me the
whole ten minutes to me.
Jon:
So how's the Tantric
going?
Darren:
Not bad, thanks. I think Marilyn and Courtney
taught me well. They actually did a demo for me which
was great. Then we preceded to trash the room and throw
the tele into their personal spa. Shit rock & Roll
is a blast.
Jon:
Really? What other crazy rock & Roll stuff have you
been up to lately?
Darren:
Well the other guys and I went on a show called The
Panel the other day.
Jon:
Yeah I was there, you
milky licker.
Darren:
Anyway, this guy, Hugh-someone, was on at the
same time.
Jon:
You mean Hugh Jordon?
Darren:
Yeah...No...Grant, I think. Yeah, Hugh Grant.
Some toffy-nosed pommy actor. Anyway, we thought he’d
appreciate some love that we Australians seem to have
for this country. So we packed a scrum, like in a game
of footy, and when he walked into the room we charged at
him and jumped all over him. It would have been OK if
his girlfriend wasn’t walking in just behind him. We
pounder her as well... and then their bodyguards went
crazy on us. I think Hoggy got one of his puppy-dog eyes
punched in because he didn’t look as sexy after that.
I think Bernie’s cleft chin got the cleft punched out
of it as well. It’ll grow back, though.
Jon:
So did you guys show
them what you were made of?
Darren:
Well, I threw a couple of punches in the melle
and yelled a bit of pommy style abuse, like ‘you
right, you git?’ I got Hugh a beauty on the forehead.
But his forehead seemed to be protected by this big wad
of floppy hair. Someone told me that was one of his
prime features so I hope I damaged it a bit. I also
punched his girl in the bottom but it hurt my hand more
than it hurt her. It was all skin and bone, you see.
Jon:
Geez, rock & Roll sounds like it’s top fun. Must
be like being back at school again?
Darren:
Bloody oath, there’s fisty cuffs to be had
everywhere. I just can’t wait for that Homebake
festival. Anyway, time’s up, mate. I’ve got alot of
things to do and you’re pestering me.
Jon:
OK Darren, thanks for
your time. Anything you want to say to the readers
before I go?
Darren:
Yeah, peace and love, man. Peace and love are
the most important things in the world.
Jon:
Thanks.
Ian
VS Bernie
Ian
Haug: So Bern, I was
wondering how you are going over in E-Mail land? When
are you going to come back and rejoin the band? We’ll
take you back. We’ll bury the hatchet, and yes, we
will let you have a mirror in the band room. So this Is
the task is it? To ask you a few questions about your
past only I know to ask? I can’t do that. I’ll blow
your cred... and mine! So I’m going to go and get
serious on you. These are all my questions to you
(Except for one). And I understand that this magazine is
offering the prize of a date with Darren if someone
picks which one...
Ian:
Do you reckon that at
a young age being taught by a ruthless piano teacher
that rapped you on the knuckles scared you into learning
music?
Bernard
Fanning: Yes, fear is my constant motivator.
Ian:
Did you realise what an awesome instrument
piano/keyboards was for rock music at that stage, or
were you just learning the songs you were being taught?
Bern:
I didn’t think that playing the piano was
particularly cool. As far as I was concerned, it was
only stopping me from bowling bouncers at my brother in
the back yard.
Ian:
If you ever had a child, which instrument would you
encourage them (if any) to learn first?
Bern:
Probably the piano.
Ian:
Did you ever collect
strange things as a child?
Bern:
KISS cards aren’t that strange, are they?
Ian:
Who do you think would
make a better Lord mayor- Cogs or JC?
Bern:
I think JC would be a benevolent and helpful
politician. Cogs may become an evil dictator, flashing
his bum at his constituents at every press conference. I
think they both would make fine candidates.
Ian:
Are you, or do you
think you will ever get totally sick of The
Simpsons?
Bern: Not totally.
Ian:
Who’s your favourite
character of the show?
Bern:
Ned Flanders, because he reminds me of Darren.
Ian:
Which film do you
think you have seen the most amount of times?
Bern:
The Godfather.
Ian:
Is that enough?
Bern:
I think I’ve seen it about 10 times, so yeah.
Ian:
If you could ever sing
a duet with anyone who would it be?
Bern:
Male: Marilyn Manson. The song would be
"God gave Rock & Roll to you". Female:
Dolly Parton, "Monkey Magic".
Ian:
What’s your
favourite video game?
Bern:
Scrambler.
Ian:
Do you play game at
home?
Bern:
No, but my girlfriend is a hardcore gamer. She
imports industrial strength Jolt Cola just so she can
stay up longer than the other computer nerds.
Ian:
When you were little,
did you ever steal money off anyone to play video
games/pinball?
Bern:
Yes, my parents. I never thought that they knew
until I was about 25. It’s still a source of great
shame for me.
Ian:
What’s you favourite
form of public transport?
Bern:
Ferry.
Ian:
Whiah Australian
capital city has best public transport?
Bern:
Dubbo.
Ian:
What’s your
favourite eye shadow colour on a girl?
Bern:
Magenta on either girl or boy.
Ian:
Who was the cool BMX
guy in your neighborhood when you were growing up? Do
you know what he does now?
Bern:
His name was Gaven Devine and he used to help
fix up our bikes when they were in the state of
disrepair. He had a mongoose with Tuffs and a racing
seat. I had my sister’s old bike with some dodgy
dragster handle bars. I didn’t feel very cool when I
rode into the Devinies’ Garage. Last I heard he was
managing Big Rooster at Indooroopilly.
Ian:
What’s your second
favourite sport?
Bern:
Soccer.
Ian:
Which is the best oval
In Australia for cricket?
Bern:
Probably Adelaide, because they still have a
hill there.
Ian:
in your cricketing
prowess, was it true that your bowling action was
compared to the controversial Sri Lankan tweeker,
Muralitharan, or the pedestrian Lennie Pasco, perhaps?
Bern:
No, I was never compared to the great Murali.
The most common comparison was with Joel Garner. It was
an easy mistake to make as I was very tall boy with a
deep tan.
Ian:
Why have you never
been tempted to get a tattoo?
Bern: Because I knew I could look tough by
smoking durries. Smoking, like swearing is tough.
Ian:
If there was a band
you wish never existed... what is it? If there was a
song...
Bern:
Racey. "Some
Girls"
Ian:
If there was one gig
that you wish you had seen what is it?
Bern:
The Fossils at the Outpost around ’87. Their
legend lives on.
Ian:
If you had a chance to
go on a holiday for a month and money wasn’t an issue,
would you consider going somewhere in Australia?
Bern:
Yep, I’d go through Northern Australia through
the Kimberly and down the west coast. Either that or
I’d spend my money on a taxi over to your place so
that I could beat the living crap out of you for asking
such a boring question.
Ian:
Do you see yourself as
an old person towing a caravan around the country?
Bern:
I don’t believe in caravans.
Ian:
Do the words
"white death" mean anything to you?
Bern:
It seems that to tow a caravan you first have to
pass a test that ensures that you will be a danger to
every other motorist. A caravan has known to bring on
bouts of deep depression amongst the Fingers. I predict
that JC will be towing a caravan and a boat behind his
rebuilt Lancia when he retires at age 35.
Ian:
Will you ever be happy
with Darren and my guitar playing until we start using a
drill with a pick on the end of it for that extra fast
stuff you love.
Bern:
No, you guys are crap.
Ian:
Will you ever get a
wireless microphone and start wandering through the
crowd?
Bern:
Please shoot me if that ever happens. Don’t
ask any questions or give me a chance to excuse it. If
it ever happens I will truly deserve to die.
Ian:
Am I boring you yet?
Bern:
Yet?
Ian:
See Ya.
Bern:
Up Yours!
JC
vs Ian...
JC:
Who is your favourite
bass player and why?
Ian:
Maybe Noel Redding from the Hendrix Experience
or Sting from The Police or you, JC. Because you’re
better than them and I know you, and you’re a top
bloke.
JC:
Who is the "top
bloke" in the band?
Ian:
As I just said JC, you! Most definitely! No one
else put up with me leaving the top off the toothpaste.
JC:
Who has more guitars,
you or Nigel Tuffnell from Spinal Tap?
Ian:
He has quite a few I guess, but now I’m
building my own. I just decided then. I’m definitely
going to end up with more. Nigel rocks, actually- what I
might do is make a guitar that looks like him. I reckon
they’d sell like hotcakes.
JC:
Why do certain people
compare you to the Michelangelo sculpture, David?
Ian: Maybe they have seen me nude. I don’t
know. I think it’s only two people, isn’t it?
JC:
What is it being
referred to when people say "7 out of 8"?
Ian:
It’s usually the amount of days you have been
fishing and haven’t caught anything. It’s a
percentage of something? What’s the answer, JC? These
questions are hard through email.
JC:
What does B.4 mean?
Ian:
It’s a kind of vitamin, I’ve been meaning to
ask you about that. You seem to be asking everyone this,
why? Oh, that’s right... It’s what people are called
before they leave school... oh no... that’s right, you
mean my email address... well, I’m not going to say
it. I will if you will, JC. Or should I say, CJ.
JC:
I’ve heard you’re
a bit of a fitness fanatic. Any advice?
Ian:
Drink load of water, and exercise enough so you
sweat it out again. I reckon that’s a start... I
suppose you have to chose a sport. Would you call motor
racing a sport though? I think those guys sweat a bit.
JC:
Who is the funniest
person in the band?
Ian:
I would say Cogsy, pants down.
JC:
Where is the most
painful place you have been hit with a tennis ball?
Ian:
In the crotch. I can’t remember who was
bowling actually. Who was that? Was that you ? No I’m
not going to get you back all these years later. You
know I can’t bowl anyway.
JC:
What happened?
Ian:
A game of cricket in Sydney somewhere...
playing... got hit left field... sat under tree for a
long time.
JC:
People have spent a
lot of money restoring cars. Has that ever appealed to
you?
Ian:
yeah... I’ve kept one going for ten years
without spending that much on it the whole time. Cheaper
than buying a new car, and I like it a lot. I would buy
an old Tarago in 30 years and restore it though!
JC:
Do you believe in the
old adage "Finders, keepers..."?
Ian:
Only things like cigarette lighters and empty
Ferraris with their motor running.
JC:
Have you ever had
piles?
Ian:
I don’t want to talk about my bottom here JC,
I reason Cogs would have that covered.
JC:
Do you have anything
in common with Julio Iglesius?
Ian:
We’re both really good singers? And we like
wearing loads of aftershave?
JC:
Have you ever
considered moving while playing on stage?
Ian:
I dance on the inside, JC.
JC:
Have you ever worn
leather pants?
Ian:
Only green ones. I don’t really like black
ones. Well, not on me anyhow.
JC:
Are you known for your
punctuality?
Ian:
I’m always late except for when I’m early. I
wish I had both in me somewhere. It’s because my car
only goes so fast, you know.
JC:
What are your thoughts
on fishing?
Ian:
It’s good when you don’t have to rush around
to get there. It’s a pretty casual way to spend time
with friends. Are we ever all going to get invited out
onto the Coral
Chief, JC?
JC:
What song sums you up?
Ian:
I don’t really know. That’s the only
question I don’t want to answer, JC. You know I’ll
just embarrass myself and say an uncool one.
JC:
What song would you
like Human Nature to play at your funeral?
Ian:
I think I’d like them to play the whole gig,
JC. I think I’d like to see it turn into a jam with
you and them.
Darren
Middeton on Jon Coghill.
It
was a cool summer morning, the wind was licking my face,
teasing me into the submission of life’s beating
drum... and as the sun lowly weighed down upon my face,
I looked towards my morning task... simply Jon Coghill.
A man of mystery, intrigue. One lent to sudden outbursts
of conviction, only to be cooled by his own humble
temperament. He who walks with both feet firmly planted
on the ground whilst occasionally tipping his head
towards the clouds for a breath of uncertainty.
A wiely character to be sure, but one who won’t look
the other way when something seems amiss.
How long does it take to get to know someone? Well,
obviously the longer you know one, the greater your
opportunity. Note I say your ‘opportunity’, as
people can easily be in one’s company and not really
listen... Never really look. There is a good eight
years’ companionship between myself and Mr Jon
Coghill, naturally fought with both communion and
tension, distance and closeness. A loud man, but one who
amits a quiet, ‘real strength’.
If I was to ask him, ‘Why did he do that?’ he would
no doubt go into a lengthy list of reasons, which could
easily put one to sleep, but only to the sleeper’s
loss. Words... words... words sometimes seem amiss,
don’t they? So easy put is it to release some you’d
love to take back... some that just don’t hit the
mark, or perhaps even may turn on the speaker. Well,
it’s fair to say then Jon, like myself, is
occasionally the giver and receiver of these infrequent
arrows, which to me shows emotion- controlled or
uncontrolled- still, emotion behind words. Something I
wouldn’t change in 100 years.
As the day wears on, my heart is lent to reflection of
our times together: the good, the bad, the ugly. And for
my money, there’d be nothing I’d redo- except maybe
having read less Mills and Boon novels. We could not go
without comment from the man himself- I gave him this to
approve. (Jon reads)... "This is a pile of crap.
This isn’t me at all, you idiot, and what’s with the
wishy-washy flavour to your writing style? Crikes."
Jon, you just don’t see yourself like I do...
Signing
off, Darren.
Bernard
VS JC...
Bernie:
What are the three
main similarities between playing bass and fishing?
JC:
Both require; a) talent, b) patience, c) heaps
of luck.
Bern:
Who is your favourite
member of Powderfinger and why?
JC:
You are, BF, simply because you asked the
question.
Bern:
If I was killed in a
car accident who would you choose to replace me?
JC:
Though question, but I’ve heard Daryl Sommers
is looking for a gig.
Bern:
When you retire what
do you plan to do?
JC:
Become Lord mayor.
Bern:
Is rock and roll a
dangerous occupation?
JC:
Yes, it can be- especially after the show. (See
below)
Bern:
Why is Rob Lowe your
favourite actor?
JC:
Have you ever seen Class?
What a brilliant performance! What a movie! Truly a
classic!
Bern:
What happened to you
when you were last in Perth?
JC:
I partied myself into casualty when Clint from
Something for Kate (aka Flangan) And myself (aka
Coughlin) were performing the famous scene from another
great music classic, cocktail
and I slipped from the bar, resulting in
hospitalisation and night spent with Sull from Jerky
Boys.
Bern:
If you could play any
other instrument than bass, what could it be?
JC:
The fiddle because of my country heritage... and
it might be handy for the line dances we enjoy.
Bern:
What is Berber For
Men?
JC:
Berber for Men is a shop I plan to set up for
men with hairy chests to provide them with
casual/business/ dinner shirts with see-through panels
to draw attention to this asset.
Bern:
Why at one stage were
you known as ‘the bunny’?
JC:
My hair was once spiky like the guys from Echo
and the Bunnymen.
Bern:
If you were killed a
car accident, who would you chose to replace yourself?
JC:
Gary Garry Beers from INXS, what a hot name!
Bern:
Why don’t you
respect me?
JC:
Who told you that? DZ’s dead!
Bern:
I’ve heard that
you’re pretty heavily into technology? What got you
interested?
JC:
That’s true. The Depth Sounder on my boat got
me involved with the wonderful world of technology.com.
Bern:
Are you a lucky
person?
JC:
No, I’m the unluckiest bastard on the planet.
Bern:
What is your highest
score in cricket?
JC:
68 not out- off about 350 balls.
Bern:
Do you have any tips
for me on how to be a better front man?
JC:
Just watch me and learn- don’t expect
overnight changes, though. Many have become disappointed
when they try to apply all skills observed all at once.
Try to gradually integrate one skill at time over a
period of 2-3 years. Don’t loose heart, NB Drop the
gorilla thing, mate.
Bern:
Do you have any
nervous habits?
JC:
I have known to bite my nails on the odd
occasion.
Bern:
Did you play and fun
games with the other fellas when you were at boarding
school?
JC:
Yes, chess.
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