Satan on:
Affirmative Action
Racial tensions are a terrible problem in our society. Blacks hate whites, whites feel guilty about slavery, Jews are angry that people keep associating them with slavery when they had nothing to do with it, it's just a big ol' mess.
Satan believes that the only way to solve this problem, once and for all, is to give government-chosen minorities extra benefits and services not made available to certain majority groups. These groups include:
blacks, gays, women, Native Americans, hispanics, Asians, transexuals, bisexuals, transvestites, differently abled, the poor, Jews (not the wealthy ones), Muslims, Buddhists, Jainists, Rastafarians, illegal immigrants, communists, and Yetis, but definitely not rich, Christian white men. What have they ever done for us?
Let's face it, America, minorities just can't do it without our help. Not that they're stupid or worthless or lazy or incompetent. They're not. We here in the Satan camp believe that all minorities are the most beautiful, productive, and glorious people ever. The problem is that they are just not as evil as those greedy, warmongering white people (specifically Republicans). And in this world, it takes an evil disposition to succeed. Satan knows this. Boy, does he know it. That's why Satan has the support of several minority organizations and their leaders (who prefer to remain unnamed).
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