Recent Events
February 15, 2001
White Announces Investigation into Son of Marc and Denise Rich, Richard
US District Attorney Mary Jo White announced today that her office was beginning an investigation into the son of billionaire Marc Rich. Marc's son Richard, also called 'Richie,' is being investigated for allegedly trading a pardon for campaign contributions with then President Bill Clinton. The alleged deal was made shortly before the 1996 presidential campaign. Richard Rich was indicted after his failed attempt to regain the title of "The Richest Boy in the World," which was, and is, held by Microsoft CEO Bill Gates. The match between Gates and Rich, which ended in Rich's attack dog Dollar sinking his teeth into Gates' leg, resulted in the uncovering of Rich's long-time cocaine, heroin, and paint-thinner habits. Dollar was put down for fear of rabies.
The scandal culminated in the discovery that Rich was housing an illegal immigrant--one Kaspar F. Geist--in his home in Malibu. Geist, a German national, was rarely seen by neighbors, and was described by those who had seen him as "a pale, phantom-like young man." The towheaded Rich was convicted of drug possesion, housing an illegal immigrant, and assault with a deadly whippet.
It is believed that Rich donated several million dollars to President Clinton's reelection fund in order to acquire a pardon. Mary Jo White has not announced whether she will seek to extradite Rich from his home in Thailand.
February 5, 2001
Chinese President Vows to Inundate American Cities with Cheaply Made Missiles, Imports
In a move that has stunned Washington insiders, Chinese President Jiang Zemin (Com.) vowed that, "should Great American Satan George W. Bush interfere in our attempts at a hos- I mean, peaceful takeover of Taiwan," he would be forced to authorize the use of China's hundreds of nuclear weapons and thousands of Hello Kitty lunchboxes and cheap transistor radios to bombard American cities.
This has many analysts fearing a second "Asian Assault," which would be a direct follow-up to 1998-9's attack by Japan with millions of pieces of Pokemon-related merchandise. While an alliance between the American Powerpuff Girls and Britain's own beloved Harry Potter managed to repel the schizophrenic stuffed invaders, the British government has been curiously quiet as to China's recent threats.
Policy Wonk David Graham points out that while in the past, American-British pop culture exchange has been friendly, with such notable trades as Beatlemania, Monty Python, and Who Wants to be a Millionaire, this curious silence, "could be a sign of growing British resentment towards our too-often 'take without giving' policy." Graham warns that in the event of a major battle between Chinese and American merchandisers, Britain may remain neutral, or possibly even side with China.
Meanwhile, the American Military has just unveiled a weapon that they claim will forestall any Chinese attack, the new 5 megaton "J-Timberlake" missile, which it claims is capable of throwing prepubescent girls into paroxysms of consumerism while annihilating entire cities. "We are now the ultimate power in the Universe," said Army spokesperson Col. Jefferey Brooks, who describes the new J-Timberlake as being, "wicked cool" and discussed America's strategy as being to "drop a bunch of these suckers on the Chinese populace, and while their teenage daughters are buying all sorts of American 'boy-band' crap, utterly decimate their major population centers."
Satan has no comment at this time.
February 4, 2001
Satan Friend and Confidante Terry McAuliffe Named Head of DNC
Yet another stone in Satan's master plan for the presidency has fallen into place, as Democratic Party officials announced today that Terry McAuliffe, Clinton friend, Democrat fundraiser, and longtime Satan golf buddy, had been named head of the Democratic National Committee late Saturday. The race for chairmanship of the Committee had been extremely drawn out, as Maynard Jackson, a former mayor of Atlanta, had challenged McAuliffe's status as crown prince of the DNC. "I really want Democrats to ask themselves, 'Do we really need another rich white guy heading our party?'" said Jackson today. "Terry McAuliffe is only concerned with one thing: Money. I, on the other hand, am pure Horatio Alger, what with my cute dimples and my admirable pluck and determination. That is why I say 'No,' to Terry McAuliffe."
Mr. McAuliffe, however, had nothing but the best to say about Mr. Jackson. "I think he is absolutely top drawer, just like all those other Jacksons, you know, Jesse, Michael, Janet. Now, excuse me while I light this cigar with a hundred dollar bill."
Satan, meanwhile, said at a press conference, "I have no problem with McAuliffe. I mean, I've known him since he was this big, experimenting with frogs and chicken guts. I think his role as Chairman of the Committee is admirable, considering his past as a fundraiser for Mr. Clinton. You know what they say, 'money is the root of all evil, but Terry McAuliffe is the root of all money.'"
January 27, 2001
Slow News Day Bores Local Webmaster to Tears
Very little news on the election front today. However, Satan continues his epic crusade to win the Presidency in 2004. Already, he has begun to plan for the titanic struggle that will take place between himself and President Bush. "While I respect President Bush, and believe him to be a good leader deserving of our support, I won't hesitate to destroy the last vestiges of his regime and rule on high with Bush as my loyal terrier, when the time comes," Satan said today in a press conference. "Although in the future, I expect a long and bloody battle, right now I agree with his call for a broad tax cut, as well as his efforts to strengthen our military." President Bush was unavailable for comment.
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