Ask Frank, A Real American Patriot
New to the Playground, a Q and A column on politics by Frank, a great American patriot. Confused about the war in Iraq and the events after 9/11? Write Frank and let him straighten you out! 

Dear Frank, 
Could you please explain what a war in Iraq has anything to do with the tragedy of 9/11? 
--Confused in White Plains 

Dear Confused, 
Sure-- Saddam is an Arab and the terrorists were Arab scumbags; ergo, kill all Arabs. The end. 

Dear Frank, 
Why must the United States always bomb when a diplomatic effort could be used to solve a crisis? 
--Miffed in Missouri 

Dear Miffed, 
I dunno-- why is your Commie, Pinko, Lib ass still here in the Greatest Nation in the World if you don't like how we do things! Go to Iraq-- they'll love you there! And say hello to your pal, Bin Laden, for me! 

Dear Frank,
I read your last response to "Miffed in Missouri," in which you pulled out the old chestnut, "If you don't like it here, go to Iraq." Why do hawks constantly believe that the only other alternatives to the United States is Iraq? What about Canada, and countries that make up all of Europe, Australia, Latin America, Africa, and Asia?
--Befuddled in Biloxi

Dear Befuddled,
Easy, jackass-- cuz they ain't real countries! Next!

Dear Frank,
You keep saying that President Bush is the greatest president we ever had. How can you say that, considering other greats like the Roosevelts, Lincoln, Kennedy, and the Founding Father, himself?
--Annoyed Academician

Dear Academic,
I can say that because I have a fourth grade level education in history. Let's see you top that, Genius!

Dear Frank, 
Do you honestly believe everything that Bush says, even the stuff that doesn't make sense? 
--Incredulous in Waco, Texas 

Dear Incredulous, 
Of course I do-- I wouldn't be a true American patriot if I didn't! 

Dear Frank,
Why must you confuse blind, unquestioning support of the US government with true patriotism?
--Freethinking US Citizen

Dear Freethinking,
I dunno-- why don't you ask your French, pastry-eating, c*cksucking, Communist bastard friends of yours? They can help you with that one!


This concludes this week's column of "Ask Frank, a Real American Patriot." If you would like to contact him, you're SOL, because we lost the address and couldn't care less where it is. But frankly, can you blame us?