+ + +
the end of never was.
the word smoke coming from your thought tobacco reeks. your anger fuels my anger and i know at this moment that nothing will be resolved here. i stare at your face, scrunched up like a wadded piece of paper and i watch your mouth move. jerk, actually. it jerks and your eyes dart. i almost want to laugh. i think it’s funny that you’re so angry about something you’re lying about. then i remember who you’re lying to and i don’t think it’s funny anymore.
when did we get here? when did we get to this place where you don’t know me well enough to know that i can tell you’re lying? when did we get to this place where i don’t know you as well as i thought i did so i’m suprised that you are lying to me? have you always had this ability in you? this ability to lie to me -- and do a damn good job? have you always had this ignorance in you? this ignorance that tells you i’m buying every word you speak? can you even tell that i’m not listening right now? probably not. because my face mirrors your anger. you think it’s because i want to argue with what you’re saying but really it’s because i know you’re lying. and i’m angry because i know if i tell you, you’ll just lie about that too.
right now i really don’t like you. but i’m surprised at myself because i don’t want to hurt you. i want to comfort you. i want to heal the pain that has brought you to this point, that has driven you to so deeply wound the one person who loves you so far and so wide. is this the same stupidity that attracted me to you in the first place? this stupid notion that i could help you? that maybe i could have a positive influence on you? it seems like i have had no effect on you and you are destroying me. i have spent the last three years pouring myself into you, stretching myself wide for you, enveloping you with all that i am, in an effort to deepen your smiles and fill the shallowness of your eyes. three years, no effect...and it only takes you minutes to completely and utterly destroy me.
this is the part where i should say i will never love again. this is the part where i should shut myself off to all emotion, all feeling so that never again will anyone have the access that you have had. never again can someone tear me apart from the inside out. but i will not say.
you have destroyed me. but i will not allow you to destroy the one who will one day find me...and love me back. love me back and love me more.
the expression on your face right now is amusing. you’re wondering why i’m simply picking up my bag and heading for the door. how come i’m not going to try to argue. to salvage anything. to fight for what’s mine. that’s because lying makes you blind. the whole time you were screaming your rage and blasting your lies, i was fighting for what’s mine. and now i’m going to take it far away from you. far away, where you will never be able to know it again.
how does it feel to realize that the person you thought cared about you cares more about themselves?
i know. that is the last thing we will ever share.
+ + +
The Way Things Are In Between.
I walk just on the very edge of the water totally absorbed in the way moist sand feels between my toes and the gentle lap of the water over my feet when the waves roll in. I see an opaque crab -- a tiny one, as small as my big toe -- floating on the waves. He's dead. This makes me sad. It's part of the circle of life...life, death; happy, sad. I move my eyes up, looking down this stretch of beach, flicking the image of the crab out of my mind the way my little brother flicks his boogers out the car window. I remember the way this makes my mom yell -- she's mad and trying not to smile at the same time and her voice is all up and down shrill, trying not to laugh -- and I smile. Then I wonder why I'm thinking about my little brother and his boogers and I remember the dead crab. I'm sad again.
Up ahead, I see a guy sitting on a slant of sand. He has a bag and a dog. He stares at the water with such intensity, it looks like he's the one making the waves come in...and out...then in again. I walk over slowly, to pet the dog. The guy doesn't even look at me. I sit down next to the dog, the guy on the other side. I settle back, staring at the waves, trying to see what the guy sees but he probably doesn't even see the waves. He's probably staring at things he sees in his head. The dog lays down, his head in my lap. He has a fuzzy on his head. I pick it off and pat him on the back. His tail thumps the sand as though I just did him the greatest favor in the world. Like fuzzies can kill you or something.
The guy still stares at the ocean. I try to stop glancing at him, but it's hard. His eyes are a swimming blue, his brow is creased with the effort of bringing the tide in. His mouth is set, not quite a frown, but almost enough that someone who wasn't staring at him like I am would just say he's frowning.
"I'm gay," he says. In my head, I jump. I wasn't expecting him to speak. His voice is gravelly, deep, and really, really sad. The dog whimpers in response to the sadness in the guy's voice, looking up at me as if pleading with me to do something. I shake my head at the dog. Sadness isn't like a fuzzy you can flick off a dog's head. I want to ask the guy why he's sad but he doesn't look like he wants to be asked. So I try to imagine why he's sad. Maybe his mom and dad are mad at him for being gay. Maybe he doesn't want to be gay. Maybe he's not gay; maybe his girlfriend is mad at him for something and he doesn't care so he thinks that means he's gay. Maybe he thinks he caught it like it's a disease. But being gay isn't a disease. I want to tell him that, but I don't think he'd hear me. I stand up and the dog looks at me questioningly. I pat him on the head and move around him to the other side of the guy and I sit down. I stare at the ocean and I put my hand in the guy's hand. I think he squeezes my hand but it's so quick and so light, I'm not sure if maybe I was imagining it. I think about the sadness in his voice and about how God loves him and how there's people in the world who make you feel like God doesn't love you when you do things they don't like. And I think about how God loves them, too. The guy lets go of my hand and stands up, making a clicking noise with his mouth. The dog jumps up and 'woofs'. The guy's arm swings down to grab his bag and he walks away, his four-legged friend bounding around his legs. I notice he has long arms and his sleeves don't quite reach his wrists. His shoulders are broad and he walks tall. He looks light, even though he's big and I pray that it's because he feels God's love...I pray that his story will have a happy ending.
I stand up to go home. But first, I want to bury the dead crab.
//september 19, 2003 friday 1:00pm-ish//
+ + +
She shut the front door with her foot, dropping her bag on the floor. The scene from the coffee house played over and over in her head.
He turned from the computer and smiled. "Hi."
"Hi," she said softly, her heart breaking at his grin. She tried to hold composure, to comfort herself with the fact that she didn't yet know the whole story. She held his gaze for a minute more and then said, "So, you're cheating on me?"
"What?!" he said, looking utterly shocked. "What are you talking about?"
"I saw you at the coffee house today."
"It's not what it looked like!" he said hastily.
She held his gaze. "Tell me," she said quietly, "what it is then."
He looked at her, brow creased anxiously, then dropped his face into his hands. When he looked up, his eyes were wet. "I'm sorry," he said brokenly. "I am...I was..." He trailed off.
"You are...cheating on me?" she asked hesitantly, not wanting to believe it. She braced herself on the table. "Adultery is grounds for divorce, you know." She concentrated on breathing, overwhelmed with intense pain in her chest. This is what it felt like to have the world fall on you.
His eyes widened. "Please don't leave me! We can work this out!" He stared at her, frozen, unable to move. He was too numb with surprise that she found out on the DAY he ENDED it, he couldn't even feel regret. He knew he was going to drown in it later...
She choked. "You have made love to me every night, and then gone off to fool around with some girl for God knows how long...we're not even having PROBLEMS in our marriage and you...you're cheating on me -- " She faltered at the pain. "We're not even having problems!" She looked at him in disbelief. "What would you be doing if we WERE having problems?" She stared at him, bewildered, in shock. And then in disgust.
"Please baby," he pleaded, tearing up again. "We can fix this!" He brushed at a tear, hardly daring to move.
Her eyes hardened. "We are not going to work anything out." She pointed a shaky finger at him. "YOU are going to work this out."
He stood up. "Yes, yes, I'll do anything! I'm so sorry! I'll do anything!" He wanted to shout with relief. He thought he'd lost her.
Her hand dropped, her posture wilting. Her eyes clouded over. "Good," she said ever so quietly. "Then sign the divorce papers when you get them in the mail." She moved past him, unmoved by his stunned look. She was empty. There was no feeling in her for reaction anymore.
A few minutes later, she was in the car, bags packed, on her way to her parents'. He was standing on the porch crying, pleading.
There was hope somewhere in the world. But it was not standing on her front porch. She backed out of the driveway and drove in the direction of somewhere in the world.
+ + + + + +
poems
brief glimpse, lingering impression
you think i only see
the scars she left behind
but i see more than that
there's pain, pulsates and shines
it's beautiful in its sadness
it's tragic and it's touching
but it's ugly in it's permanence
offensive with its clutching.
// august 27, 2003 1:03pm //
+ + +
incredible sadness
total immobility --
so full of feelings
my soul is numb.
so numb
the hot tears on my cheeks freeze.
awesome loss of hope
amazing surge of nothingness.
nowhere to turn
keep moving forward
into day after day
all the while standing still.
incredibly sad
so incredibly sad
that tears are forced
from the depths of my soul.
smiles are banished
to the dungeons of my mind.
love is abandoned
in the alleys of my heart.
they tell me to BELIEVE.
well i believe.
i believe in the incredibly sadness --
because it's so incredibly real.
// written before august 20, 1999 //
+ + +
be.
be my breath
so i can breathe
in spite of the sorrow
suffocating me.
be my eyes
so i can see
in spite of the tears
blinding me.
be my hope
so i can believe
in spite of the dreams
crumbling around me.
be my voice
so i can sing
in spite of the sobs
welling inside me.
be my courage
be my smile
help me laugh
for a little while.
be my determination
so i don't give up
be my strength
so i can be tough.
be my reality
so i can believe
in something happy --
something good --
in spite of all the misery.
be.
for me.
// february 26, 2001 monday 11:50pm //
+ + +
turn my face towards You
and i smile
welcoming the warm embrace
that's been there all the while
all the things i've idolized
don't compare to You
it always takes so long
to come full circle to the truth.
i'm sure again, in time
i'll think what's Yours is mine
and i'll turn away once more.
i never cease to amaze me
with the sins i redundantly commit
but You amaze me even more
with the way that You forgive.
thank You for Your mercy
thank You for Your care
thank You for letting me go
but leaving Your embrace there.
because You knew i would return
You know it never fails
in the war between my will and Yours
it's Your love that always prevails.
please Lord if i stray again
if i think i'm on my own
please don't hesitate to take my hand
and make me come back home
but if You insist on my free will
and force is not Your way
then please right now, hug me hard
so i can not get away.
i seem to have no power
over what prompts me to leave
but since You do
i ask that You
hold on so tight to me.
turn my face toward You
and i smile
You knew it all the while
that i'd struggle against
Your embrace
and free will would allow
me my own way
You knew, oh Lord
You knew.
well, maybe this time
don't squeeze so tight
don't hold me oh so close
maybe then i'll see no need
to oh so boldly go...
oh dear Lord
i suppose You're right
it's nothing to do with how You hold me.
it has, i think, instead to do
with the way that i'm
not holding You.
so let us try this one more time
i in Your embrace
and You in mine...
// date and time written unknown. 2002-ish? //
+ + +
fear overcome.
child of brilliant desires i am
you are the poison
which haunts me
seeping into the center of myself
surrounding my sacred universe
like a dark ghost
you kill my magik but
you will die
i embrace joy and peace
i can laugh and dance for eternity
you are devoured for always
i am a daughter of God
// january 25, 2000 written with magnetic poetry. //
+ + +
in darkest hours.
naked needle
pierce me
red kiss
linger hard
blaze deep into my vast sadness
devour me
with your steel
no more breath is peace
and i will haunt those who think of life as
delicious
sacred
joy
they are fools
// december 2001 written with magnetic poetry in the wee hours. //
+ + +
this dark pool dazzles
my porcelain sister
she thinks it makes her free
but it's current devours
its center is deep
it kills
and after the decaying liquid
seeps into her heart
she will die
and i can never laugh
or dance
after my girl woman
is not living
God
come and heal her
give her
brilliant
life
she is so sad
// december 2, 2002 for autta. written with magnetic poetry. //
+ + +
celebrate kisses
embrace magic
breathe deeply
speak in brilliant color
listen with ferocious heart
linger in life's perfume
// january 3, 2003 friday 4:50pm written with magnetic poetry. //
+ + +
independence poem.
i will only give in
change my life
for a him
if he loves me with
his gentlest all
i must feel
alive beneath
wanted above
always beautiful
never alone
// july 4, 2004 sunday 1:34am written with magnetic poetry. //
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