A Stepchild's Point of View
I want to share a little about my experience being a stepchild in a stepfamily. My parents are divorced and both have told me privately at different times that I was the most important person in their life. What do you think my response was? Do you think that I was filled self confidence and fully assured of my parents love? You might think so, but no I felt completely opposite.
When I heard that, I felt very *insecure*! I do NOT want to be the most important person in my parents' lives! It puts a LOT of pressure on me--pressure that should not be on me. I really feel like I have to be 100% perfect or I am going to let my parents down. And in the case of my mom, who is remarried when she told me this, I totally test her on that all the time. I accuse my stepfather of everything that he does wrong--telling on him--trying to get him in trouble and trying to see if my mom would side with me and if I really was the most important person in her life. She always has sided with me and each time that she does, it makes me feel more insecure! If she would just show me how to respect my stepdad (by defending him to me) then I would repect him more. If she would expect me to respect him, I would respect him. I can tell you that her life and their marriage would be a lot easier if she never would have told me that I was the most important person to her. I don't even want to be the most important person to her, I want my stepdad to be! But, I can't ever tell her that.
My advice to parents who remarry is to make sure that your most important person be your new husband or wife. Respect them and expect your kids to respect them. Don't expect your kids to respect them right away or all the time--we don't even respect *you* all the time! But if we see you do it and if you get on us when we don't, we will respect our stepparent. You will probably have a happier marriage and happier kids!
A Stepmother's Point of View
My husband constantly puts his children before our marriage and me. If his children want something, they get it. If I want something, he'll think about it. He lets those kids run wild in the house whenever they are here. If I try to get them to calm down, he does not back me up. He would rather let them run loose and break our things rather than tell them to knock it off. Because he doesn't support me, they don't listen to me at all! It is so frustrating, I just want to jump in a spaceship and fly to the moon when the kids are here.
I feel like I have no say at all in my own household. I grew up in family that taught that the adults were in charge, you respected them and did what they said. I always assumed that once I grew up to become an adult, I would receive the same respect in my own home. Because I married a man with kids, this will never be. One day I rearranged the family room the way that I wanted it and it looked very well, if I do say so myself! That lasted about three days until his kids came over. The six year old decided that he wanted to rearrange the shelves and everything on them. I told him that he needed to leave that stuff alone, that it is to look and not play with. I was not being mean or harsh in the least. My husband rushed to his son's defense telling me that his son could rearrange the stuff as he saw fit. What? He is just a child, I am an adult and I arranged the room as *I* saw fit. My husband told me that I was to let his son do as he wanted because he wanted his son to feel at home. What about me?? Didn't he want me, his own wife, to feel at home in my home? This is rediculous! The kids know that they can walk all over me and get away with it.
If my husband would just respect me as the other adult in this house, things would be so much better. I would be so much happier if he would respect me and teach those kids of his to respect me. He complains that I am not happy enough and that I am teaching the kids to be a complainer. He sure would be surprised at what a happy wife he would have if he would get his priorities straight! I would be happy to let his kids do things, I would be happy to be with all of them if I got the type of respect deserved as a wife. I really don't know how much more of this I can take. Does he really want to put his kids through a second divorce? It sure seems that way to me.
A Parent's Point of View
I feel really guilty about my kids. If it wasn't for the fact that I had a bad marriage and got a divorce, then my kids would not have to live with the fact that their parents are divorced. It kills me inside that I cannot have them with me all of the time and that they spend so much time with their mother. I want so much for them to have a healthy self esteem and lots of self-confidence. If I shower them with love and attention, and let them do what they want, they are sure to know that I love them. I know that they must already doubt my love because of the divorce. I can see it in their eyes, that they are torn inside and hurting badly. That is why they act out as they do. How can I possibly punish them when that is why they act out? I just can't do it! I will do whatever it takes for them to feel secured and loved and to take away as much pain from their lives as possible.
It makes me really mad when my wife has such a short fuse with my kids. It's as if she expects them to be perfect all the time--something that no kid is capable of, much less my poor kids. When they are at their mom's house she yells at them a lot and has a lot of strict rules so they have to walk on egg shells all time around her. When they come over here, I want them to feel like they can just be themselves without having to worry about their performance all the time. But, my wife has to point out every little imperfection and she sends them to their room over minor infractions. She says that I am afraid to discipline my children so she has to. She has it all wrong, she disciplines them over the smallest things that I never have the opportunity to discipline them, she always jumps to it before I even have a chance. If they are really messing up, they need to be dealt with but you have to give kids some slack. Especially kids that get bounced back and forth between two totally different households.
An Outsider's Point of View
In each of these cases, the speaker has valid points. The stepchild needs to know that she is important to her parents without the stress of knowing that she is the most important person to them. The stepmother needs for her husband to listen to her and validate that her feelings are real and legitmate. The father is genuinely concerned for his children who are going through a lot.
But each person also has the responsibility to look outside of him or herself and see the other family members are feeling. Each one of these people are so focused on their own feelings that they cannot, or will not, look at what the other people are going through. The stepchild would feel a lot better if she would take the step to tell her parents how she is feeling, they would probably be very surprised to know that they are making her feel insecure! They would want to change that if only they knew. The stepmother would probably feel better about things if she could calmly talk to her husband about how she is feeling. All that she sees is the faults in everyone in her household and likely expresses those feelings with anger, resentment and complaining. They could probably all benefit from finding a happy medium for everyone. The father needs to look at the needs of his wife as well as the needs of his children. He needs to talk with her about what he can do to help her feel like a part of the family instead of an outsider, which is why she disciplines the children so much. He would probably also find that his children would be happier and better behaved if their stepmother was happy and not always on their case.
In any family, step or nuclear, it is absolutely necessary for each member to look at the needs and feelings of each of the other members. It is only possible to come to a compromise when one is able to see the real needs and feelings of another. In any family, step or nuclear, when the parents are happy the kids will be happy and better behaved. So, if you are a stepparent or a biological parent, keep your spouse happy and the kids (step and biological) will follow suit. So, in a way, by putting your marriage first, you are also putting your kids first! That doesn't make sense? The children need to not be the most important person in their parents lives (they don't even want to be!) and they really need to see a happy marriage to feel secure about themselves. Who knew that by putting your spouse and marriage first you would be putting your children first, too?
When [my] ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.
My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn’t be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.
Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn’t the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn’t reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you’re sending your children. That’s especially important when you’ve remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.
Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex’s manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.
Gentleman, there’s a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you’re the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.
In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife’s? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?
If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You’re also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn’t it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?
What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn’t work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you’ll be giving your children the true gift you didn’t give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.
The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?
Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you’d better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don’t stop, ever!
It's much more acceptable for a male head of household (the stepdad) to make house rules and expect them to be followed, discipline however he wants and doesn't get as concerned with social issues as does a woman. Also, perhaps the bio-father isn't around, isn't a threat and afterall, is the loser that lost the love of HIS life.
What do we complain most about here? The EX. More often with a Stepdad, the bio-dad has disappeared, diminished his role or just doesn't care (statistically speaking).
Anyways, the common complaints here are about the EX-wife: her intrusion, her controlling, her demanding money, her wanting your guy. Men don't behave like that usually ~ they would be hard pressed to beg a woman for money, men generally will move on faster and if they don't, they don't *pine away* so much and there are more clear cut *guy rules* that if violated will result in violence ~ men know this.
I think there are TONS of reasons why stepdad's have it easier. Another one being they aren't as concerned with the social issues involving children as women are. Manners, rudeness, hygiene (the SM's big vents) just don't rank as that much of an irritant to a man... besides, they have the WOMAN right there to ensure those things happen.
What it boils down to, in my estimation, is that historically and present day, women are EXPECTED to run the house, raise the kids, socialize the children and men are supposed to take out the trash, earn the paycheck and take over when the woman gets overwhelmed. For the SM, there's all ready a woman in another house raising the kids, socializing them her way and the guy is still just taking out the trash and picking up where *she* leaves off. Where is the SM supposed to fit in? A Stepdad can get by with the same (trash, mow the yard and yell at the kids when they don't listen every now and again).. a stepmom gets a WHOLE new life out of the deal that directly conflicts with the mother's OLD life that she might still want back!
Anyways.. I'm SURE this'll offend a few with how I pigeonhole men and women into such traditional roles, such unfair expectations so I apologize. I am NOT saying that it is RIGHT, I am saying that is how I think it IS.
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