Wedding Vows

Ceremonies Officiated by Chris Stevens

Episode 1.04, "Dreams, Schemes, and Putting Greens"

It's occasions like these that my thoughts turn to marriage. I think of the Dali Lama, the Pope, Mother Theresa: very spiritual people who never took the plunge. Then, on the other hand, we have Elizabeth Taylor and Mickey Rooney, who couldn't get enough of a good thing. What do we make of this dichotomy? Well, we’re here to wish our friends a long life, filled with happiness.

Shelly Tambo, do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband, 'til death do you part?

Holling Vincoeur, do you take this lovely girl to be your lawful wedded wife, 'til death do you part? Holling? Holling?

Episode 3.22, "Our Wedding"

Marriage. It's a hard term to define, especially for me; I've ducked it like root canal. Still, there's no denying the fact that marriage ranks right up there with birth and death as one of the three biggies in the human safari. It's the only one though that we'll celebrate with a conscious awareness. Very few of you remember your arrival and even fewer will attend your own funeral. You pick a society, any society: Zuni, Nudembo, Pennsylvania Dutch. What's the one thing that they all have in common? Marriage. It's like a cultural handrail; it links folks to the past and guides them to the future.

That's not all, though. Marriage is the union of disparate elements: male and female, yin and yang, proton and electron. What are we talking about here? Nothing less than the very tension that binds the universe. You see, when we look at marriage, people, we're looking at creation itself.

"I am the sky," says the Hindu bridegroom to the bride. "You are the earth. We are sky and earth united. ... You are my husband. You are my wife. My feet shall run because of you. My feet shall dance because of you. My heart shall beat because of you. My eyes see because of you. My mind think because of you. And I shall love because of you." Now are you guys cool with that? Then kiss.

Episode 4.19, "Family Feud"

Marriage. You've probably read in Time and Newsweek that it's a dying institution, but try brooking a reception hall in June. Like the proverbial lemmings at the cliff, everybody's still lining up to take the big plunge.

Episode 5.21, "I Feel The Earth Move"

Marriage. Why do we do it? Everybody knows the stats: one in two marriages end up in broken dishes and a trip to Tijuana. Is it loneliness? Partly. Is it teamwork? Definitely. Things just kind of go easier when there's two of you. One of you can wait in line at the movie theater while the other guy parks the car, get better seats that way. Better room rate when it's a double. Ron, Eric, you ready to file jointly?

Ron, will you have Eric to be your spouse, to love him, comfort him, in sickness and in health? Stick it out 'til the fat lady sings?

Eric, how about you?

Excellent. Let’s go for the gold.

Above you is the sun and sky, below you, the ground. Like the sun, your love should be constant; like the ground, solid. You both cool with that? In that case, I now pronounce you, married.