my jokes

warning:those without any sense of humor please stop surfing here!!!!

 

blond

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He's going through his usual run of stupid blond jokes, when a big blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:

I've heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, Asshole.  What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person's physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being?  It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blonds but women at large ... all in the name of humor.

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blond pipes up, "You stay out of this. Mister, I'm talking to that little bastard on your knee!"

 

Buying a Bra

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"

"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size ,color and material.

 "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"

Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"

The lady responded "It is all really quite simple.  The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

 

Those of us with daughters know this to be true.  Those of you with sons, warn them.  Those of you who are daughters, don't take offense, us dads hate all your boyfriends.  Those of you who are sons, don't turn your back on a dad.........EVER.

  

Dad's rules for boyfriends:

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up

Rule Two;

You do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling of their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact, come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there is darkness.  Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.  Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.  If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.  Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.  When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices n my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight.   Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

 

duck

There was a man who had a son. He gave him a duck and told him to go out and sell his duck for as much as possible. The son went out and saw a gorgeous blonde woman on the side of the road. He went up to her and said I'll give you my duck if you have sex with me. She considered it and said "Ok".

They had sex and when they were done she said wow that was good, I'll give you your duck back if you'll do me again. The boy agreed.

While they were having sex again, the duck got loose and ran out into the road. They saw the duck escape and pulled their pants on but not quickly enough to prevent the duck from getting run over by a car. The driver jumped out of the car and said "I'm so sorry i killed your duck. I'll give you $40 dollars to make up for it.

When the son finally returned home, his dad asked how much he had made.

He said "I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and forty bucks for a fucked up duck."

 

bear & rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are walking through the woods when they come across a golden frog. They think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he is a magical frog, and doesn't often meet other residents of the forest, but when he does, he grants them three wishes each. The bear immediately asks that "all the other bears in the forest be female."  The frog immediately grants this wish.  The rabbit, after thinking for a while, asks for "a crash helmet" and one appears, which he places on his head.  The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish. He asks that "all the bears in the neighboring forests be female as well."  This wish is also fulfilled.  The rabbit then wishes that he could have "a motorcycle." It appears before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine.  The bear cannot believe it. He yells to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes. Then, shaking his head, he makes his final wish, "I wish that all the other bears in the world be female as well."  The frog replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last wish. The rabbit thinks for a second, then revs up the engine and says, "I wish for the bear to be gay!" and promptly drives off as fast as he can!"

"Many people will walk in and out of your life but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart."

 

software

Last year i upgraded from Girlfriend7.0 to wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. 

In addition , wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialisation , where it monitors all other system activity. 

Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys Night 2.5 and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. 

I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favourite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. 

Can you help me, please !!!! 

Thanks,

Reply : From Technical Support 

Dear, 

This is a very common Problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primarily misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. 

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. 

It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend7.0 to emulate Wife1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete , or purge the program foles from the system once installed . You cannot go back as it's not designed to do this. 

Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings- Alimony/Child Support ". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. 

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults(GPFs) You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur , regardless of their cause. The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE. 

In any case avoid excessive use of the Esc key because ultimately you will have to give the APPOLOGIZE command before the operating system will return to normal. 

The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but VERY high maintenance is required. 

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 ... I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0 But Broadway99 and Vacation2000 would certainly boost the performance ten fold. 

Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt3.3.  This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system 

Best of Luck, 

Tech Support.

 

Subject: Fwd: Italian humor (Instructions for reading: Read in an Italian accent) 

       I am an Italiano. 

One day ima gonna LA to bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two pisses toast.  She brings me only one piss.  I tella her I want two piss.  She say go to the toilet.  I say you no understand, I wanna two piss onna my plate.  She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch.  I don't even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch. 

Later I go to eat at the bigga restaurant.  The waitress brings me a spoon and knife but no fock.  I tella her I wanna fock.  She tell me everyone wanna fock.  I tella her you no understand.  I wanna fock on the table.  She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.  So I go back to my room ina hotel and there is no shits onna my bed.  Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit.  He tell me to go to toilet.  I say you no understand.  I wanna shit on my bed.  He say you better not shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch. I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: "Peace on you." I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy !

 

language

"WOMEN'S ENGLISH"

 =================

  Yes = No.

  No = Yes.

  Maybe = No.

  I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...

  We need = I want.

  It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

  Do what ever you want = You'll pay for this later.

  We need to talk = I need to complain.

  Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

  I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

  You're so manly = You need a shave, and you sweat a lot.

  Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

  This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

  I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

  I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

  Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

  How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate.

  I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

  You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.

  Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead,]

  "MEN'S ENGLISH"

 ==============

  I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

  I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

  I'm tired = I'm tired.

  Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

  Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

  Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

  May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

  Nice dress! = Nice legs!

  You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you.

  What's wrong? = What stupid self inflicted psychological trauma is it now?

  What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question?

  I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

  I love you = Let's have sex now!

  I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now can we have sex?

  Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before.

  Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?

  Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with others.

  I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together = I'm gay.

  

Dress of love

An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband. The mother asks the daughter: "What are you doing naked?" The daughter responds: "This is the dress of love."  

When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.  When her husband arrives, he asks her: "What are you doing naked, woman?" She responds: "This is the dress of love."  

And he said to her: "Well, go iron it first."

 

THE CONSTITUTION OF LOVE

We the lovers of the heart in order to form a more perfect kiss, enable that thou might thee hug, and to promote to whom we please, but to please the one we kiss.  (Don't ask I copied it like it was)

Article #1 The statement of love.  The kiss:

1. on the hand- I adore you

2. on the cheek- just friends

3. on the neck- I want you

4. on the lips- I love you

5. on the ear- just joking

6. anywhere else- don't get carried away

7. looking into your eyes- Kiss me

8. playing with your hair- can't live without you

9. hands on your waist- I love you too much to let you go 

Article #2 The 3 Steps

1. Girls, if a boy gets fresh, slap him.

2. Boys, if a girl slaps you, kiss her.

3. Boys and Girls close your eyes, it's rude to stare 

Article #3 The Commandments

1. Thou shall not squeeze too hard

2. Thou shall not ask for a kiss, Thou shall take one

3. Thou shall kiss on every opportunity 

Article #4 Must

After reading this, you must kiss the person who gave you this, unless they aren't of the opposite sex.

 

love software

Freeware worth installing ! 

Yet another customer service phone call....... 

 Service Rep: Hello, you have reached the Heart Systems Software Company help desk. How may I help you? 

 Customer:  I just received your latest program, LOVE v4.0 . . . you know . . . the freeware. I don't understand it. Can you tell me how to install it? 

 Service Rep:  Sure thing ma'am. Do you have the installation disk and instructions with you? 

 Customer:  Yes I do, but first can you tell me what the program does? 

 Service Rep:  Sure thing ma'am. LOVE is a unique program, there is no other like it in the world. LOVE attaches to your operating system and runs silently in the background, you will never see LOVE on your monitor or your toolbar, but you will notice its effect on every application you may have. It makes the good programs run smoother and greatly restricts and/or deletes the bad ones. 

 Customer:  Wow! That sounds great. How does LOVE make my machine run smoother? 

 Service Rep:  Well, good sound files, like COMPLIMENT.WAV, ENCOURAGEMENT.WAV, and KINDWORD.WAV will play frequently. Also, FORGIVENESS.EXE will be invoked every time there is an external violation, including the very frequent syntax errors. Also, all those aggravating errors that say "unable to connect" will be avoided. LOVE allows for a smooth connection with external devices, regardless of what country it is manufactured in, the brand name, or the age of the model. 

 Customer:  That's exactly what I need, my machine has been isolated for too long. But what about the bad programs? 

 CS Rep:  Good question. LOVE searches your memory for programs like HATE.COM, BITTERNESS.EXE, SELFISH.COM, and SPITE.EXE. These programs can't be entirely deleted off your hard drive, but LOVE overpowers those programs. LOVE stops their commands from being executed and runs its own instructions. You will no longer hear INSULT.WAV and you won't be able to write with the fonts "BADWORDS12" or "HARSHNESS10". 

 Customer:  That's a fantastic program you have. Are the upgrades free too? 

 CS Rep:  They sure are ma'am. 

 Customer:  How do I get the upgrades? 

 CS Rep:  That's easy. Once you have LOVE installed and running, it automatically copies a module, or a piece of itself, to every external  Hard drive, Email, And Remote Terminal (HEART) that it comes in contact with. In turn, those external devices run whatever version of LOVE they have and return a module to your HEART. You will be upgraded with each and every module that you receive. But you have to remember, to receive the upgrades you have to be running LOVE and you have to come into contact with other computers while it is running. 

 Customer:  I can do that. I'm not very technical, but I think I am ready to install now. What do I do first? 

 CS Rep:  The first step is to open your HEART. Have you located your HEART ma'am? 

 Customer:  Yes I have, but there are several programs running right now. Is it okay to install while they are running? 

 CS Rep:  What programs are running ma'am? 

 Customer:  Let me see....I have PASTHURT.EXE, LOWESTEEM.EXE, GRUDGE.EXE, and RESENTMENT.COM running right now. 

 CS Rep:  No problem. LOVE will automatically erase PASTHURT.EXE from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory, but it will no longer disrupt other programs. LOVE will eventually overwrite LOWESTEEM.EXE with a module of its own called RIGHTESTEEM.EXE. However, you have to completely turn off GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM. Those programs prevent LOVE from being properly installed. Can you turn those off ma'am? 

 Customer:  I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how? 

 CS Rep:  My pleasure. Go to your Start menu and invoke FORGIVENESS.EXE. Do this as many times as necessary until GRUDGE.EXE and RESENTMENT.COM have been completely erased. 

 Customer:  Okay, I'm done. LOVE has started installing itself automatically. Is that normal? 

 CS Rep:  Yes it is. You should receive a message that says it will reinstall for the life of your HEART. Do you see that message? 

 Customer:  Yes I do. Is it completely installed? 

 CS Rep:  Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other HEART's in order to get the upgrades. 

 Customer:  Oops...I have an error message already. What should I do? 

 CS Rep:  What does the message say? 

 Customer:  It says "ERROR 412 - PROGRAM NOT RUN ON INTERNAL COMPONENTS". What does that mean? 

 CS Rep:  Don't worry ma'am, that's a common problem. It means that the LOVE program is set up to run on external HEARTS but has not yet been run on your HEART. It is one of those complicated programming things, but in non-technical terms it means you have to "LOVE" your own machine before it can "LOVE" others. 

 Customer:  So what should I do? 

 CS Rep:  Can you find the directory called "SELF-ACCEPTANCE"? 

 Customer:  Yes, I have it. 

 CS Rep:  Excellent, you are getting good at this. 

 Customer:  Thank you. 

 CS Rep:  You're welcome. Click on the following files and then copy them to the "MYHEART" directory: FORGIVESELF.DOC, SELFESTEEM.TXT, REALIZEWORTH.TXT, and GOODNESS.DOC. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching any faulty programming. Also, you need to delete SELFCRITIC.EXE from all directories, and then empty your recycle bin afterwards to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back. 

 Customer:  Got it. Hey! My HEART is filling up with really neat files. SMILE.MPG is playing on my monitor right now and it shows that WARMTH.COM, PEACE.EXE, and CONTENTMENT.COM are copying themselves all over my HEART! 

 CS Rep:  Then LOVE is installed and running. You should be able to handle it from here. One more thing before I go... 

 Customer:  Yes? 

 CS Rep:  LOVE is freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everybody you meet. They will in turn share it with other people and they will return some really neat modules back to you. 

Customer:  I will. Thank you for your help.

 

The Real Man Test from Rick!

 Note: All "real men" answer "C" to all of these questions.  Knowing this, women will have come far in understanding men and enriching their own lives if they carefully review the "C" answers. 

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.

B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.

C. Take it apart. 

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.

B. Idealism.

C. Cherry bombs. 

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

A. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.

B. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)

C. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsman-like way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed. 

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.

B. A dog.

C. A dog that eats cats. 

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but, she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together.  What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.

B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you can not honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.

C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen. 

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.

B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.

C. Tell her what? 

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. "Do they need to eat or anything?"

B. "They're in school already?"

C. "There are three of them?" 

8. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?

A. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.

B. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.

C. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife is quietly trying to discard his underwear (which she is frankly jealous of because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her). 

9. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.

B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.

C. He refused to ask for directions. 

10. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.

B. Religion.

C. Remote control.

 

men and women

                     M A N            

If you don't let him kiss you, you don't love him

If you let him, he thinks you are cheap

 

If you praise him, he thinks you are pressuring him

If you don't, he thinks you don't care

 

If you agree to all his wants, he is abusing

If you don't, you are not understanding

 

If you want to be romantic, he thinks you want a sugar daddy

If you don't, you are plain and boring

 

If you visit him too often, he thinks you want to get married

If you don't, he worries about new boyfriends

 

If you put makeup on, he accuses you of flirting

If you don't, he thinks you look like a housewife

 

If you are jealous, he believes "It's natural for men"

If you don't, he thinks "He can have his cake and eat it too"

 

If you want a gift of flowers, he thinks "Its a waste of money"

If you don't, he thinks you don't deserve it

 

If you come early, he thinks you are an irony lady

If you don't, he thinks "That's a girl's way"

 

If you want an ambitious man, you are pushy

If you don't, you don't care about his future

 

If you help him out, his ego is injured

If you don't, his feelings are hurt

 

If you make more money than him, he cannot marry you

If you don't make any, he wants someone else

 

If he make a suggestion, he wants you to agree

If you don't, you are being difficult

 

If you say "no", he thinks you mean "try again"

If you don't, he has no respect for you

 

O Lord!!  We are just humans like our

fellow "MEN"

 

Why can't we get along?

Don't we deserve respect just like them?

Our wants are simple, tender loving care and respect.

 

AMEN.

 

                W o m a n

If you kiss her, you are not a gentlemen

If you don't, you are not a man

 

If you praise her, she thinks you are lying

If you don't, you are good for nothing

 

If you agree to all her likes, she is abusing

If you don't, you are not understanding

 

If you make romance, you are an 'experience man'

If you don't, you are half a man

 

If you visit her too often, she thinks it is boring

If you don't, she accuses you of double crossing

 

If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy

If you don't, you are a dull boy

 

If you are jealous, she says it's bad

If you don't, she thinks you don't love her

 

If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her

If you don't, she thinks you don't like her

 

If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait

If she is late, she says "That's a girl's way"

 

If you visit another, she accuses you of being a heel

If she is visited by another, 'Oh! it's natural, we are girls'

 

If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are cold

If you kiss her too many, she yells that you are taking advantage

 

If you fail to help her in crossing the street, you lack ethics

If you do, she thinks it's just one of the man's tactics

 

If you stare at other, she accuses you of flirting

If she is stared by others, she says that they are just admiring

 

If she talks, she wants you to listen

If you listen, she wants you to talk

 

Oh God!! You created those creatures

called "WOMAN"

 

So simple, yet so complex

So weak, yet so powerful

So confusing, yet so desirable

 

"O Lord, tell me what to do, AMEN."

 

And It Was So 

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule, working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years." 

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so. 

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years." 

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years."  And it was so. 

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years." 

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years."  And it was so. 

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years." 

And the man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.  Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."  And it was so. 

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 30 years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then, he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. 

And it is so !!

 

What Resume terms really mean...

                                    Resume 

GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS = Able to bullshit

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS = Spends lots of time on phone

AVERAGE EMPLOYEE = Not too bright

EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED = Made no major blunders yet

WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY = Too ugly to get a date

ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Drinks a lot

FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY = Spouse drinks, too

INDEPENDENT WORKER = Nobody knows what he/she does

QUICK THINKING = Offers plausible excuses

CAREFUL THINKER = Won't make a decision

AGGRESSIVE = Obnoxious

USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS = Gets someone else to do it

EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL = Speaks English

METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL ...= A nit picker

HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES = Is tall or has a loud voice

EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT = Lucky

KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR = Knows a lot of dirty jokes

CAREER MINDED = Back Stabber

LOYAL = Can't get a job anywhere else

 

 

THE 'NEW AGE' LOVE LETTER  

Dearest Ms Juliet,  

  I am very happy to inform you that I have fallen in love with you since the 15th of February. With reference to the meeting held between us on the 14th of February. at 1500 hrs, I would like to present myself as a prospective lover.  

  Our love affair would be on probation for a period of three months and depending on compatibility, would be made permanent. Of course, upon completion of probation, there will be continuous on the job training and performance appraisal schemes leading up to promotion from lover to spouse.  

  The expenses incurred for coffee and entertainment would initially be shared equally between us. Later, based on your performance, I might take up a larger share of the expenses. However I am broadminded enough, to be taken care of, on your expense account. I request you to kindly respond within 30 days of receiving this letter, failing which, this offer would be cancelled without further notice and I shall be considering someone else.  

  I would be happy, if you could forward this letter to your sister, if you do not wish to take up this offer. Thanking you in anticipation.  

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Romeo  

*******************************************************************

MODERN REPLY TO MODERN DATING  

Attn: Mr Romeo  

Dear Sir,  

  Please refer to your letter dated today. I am pleased to inform you that I hope to accept your proposal for romance. However, you should be informed that there are certain conditions of acceptance. Promotional prospects are to my satisfaction. However, please enlighten me as to your retirement benefits. Gratuity should be generous.  

  I also need to be assured that there is sufficient security with regards to this commitment. If there is any chance at all of retrenchment or consequent disinterest on your part, then I should receive monetary compensation according to union standards. Due to the nature of my position, I am sure you will agree that an expense account should be arranged for my access in light of the 'VIP' I shall be entertaining. In addition, housing and transport allowances should be in order and nothing less than a luxury condo and a Jag are in order.  

  Please also note that there should be no moonlighting restrictions placed on myself. If you are still interested in the relationship, please reply on an urgent basis as other prospective lovers have sent indications of interest.  

  Please also note that my sister is happily employed.  

Yours perhaps,

Juliet

 

Why Teachers go grey?? 

TEACHER: How old were you on your last birthday?

STUDENT: Seven.

TEACHER: How old will you be on your next birthday?

STUDENT: Nine.

TEACHER: That's impossible.

STUDENT: No, it isn't, Teacher. I'm eight today

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.

GEORGE: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?

CLASS: George!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Willy, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

WILLY: Me!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SUBSTITUTE TEACHER: Are you chewing gum?

BILLY: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Alfred, how can one person make so many stupid mistakes in one day?

ALFRED: I get up early.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir.

TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?

STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?

TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HAROLD: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do?

TEACHER: Of course not.

HAROLD: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Why are you late?

WEBSTER: Because of the sign.

TEACHER: What sign?

WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: I hope I didn't see you looking at Don's paper.

JOHN: I hope you didn't either.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

GARY: I don't think I deserve a zero on this test.

TEACHER: I agree, but it's the lowest mark I can give you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MOTHER: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?

JUNIOR: Because of absence.

MOTHER: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?

JUNIOR: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?

FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?

SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.

FATHER: What's that?

TEACHER: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-foot snake.

SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

HYGIENE TEACHER: How can you prevent deseases caused by biting insects?

JOSE: Don't bite any.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".

ELLEN: I is...

TEACHER: No, Ellen. Always say, "I am."

ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

MOTHER: Why on earth did you swallow the money I gave you?

JUNIOR : You said it was my lunch money.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: If you received $10 from 10 people, what would you get?

SASHA: A new bike.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?

VINCENT: One dollar.

TEACHER(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic.

VINCENT(sadly): You don't know my father.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

CLASS COMEDIAN: Big hands!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BOY: Isn't the principal a dummy!

GIRL: Say, do you know who I am?

BOY: No.

GIRL: I'm the principal's daughter.

BOY: And do you know who I am?

GIRL: No.

BOY: Thank goodness!

 

turtle

A turtle family went on a picnic.. The turtles, being naturally slowly about things, took seven years to prepare for their outings.  Finally the turtle family left home looking for a suitable place. During the second year of their journey they found it. For about six months they cleaned up the area, unpacked the picnic basket, and completed the arrangements. Then they discovered they had forgotten the salt. A picnic without salt would be a disaster, they all agreed. After a lengthy discussion, the youngest turtle was chosen to retrieve the salt from home.  Although he was the fastest of the slow moving turtles, the little turtle whined, cried, and wobbled in his shell.  He agreed to go on one condition: that no one would eat until he returned.  The family consented and the little turtle left.  Three years passed-and the little turtle had not returned. Five years...six years.. then in the seventh year of his absence, the oldest turtle could no longer contain his hunger.  He announced that he was going to eat and began to unwrap a sandwich.  At that point the little turtle suddenly popped out from behindtree shouting, "SEE I knew you wouldn't wait. Now I am not going to go get the salt."

 

women

1.        Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him. 

2.        There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he would go thru hell for her. They got married - and now he is going thru hell. 

3.        A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: " Wife wanted". Next day, he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing  "You can have mine." 

4.        When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is. 

5.        It's easy to tell if a man is married or not.. Just watch him drive a car with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can be sure he is married. 

6.        A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, "If you don't promise to send us $100,000, we promise you we will kidnap your wife." The poor man wrote back, " I am afraid I can't keep my promise but I hope you will keep yours." 

7.        "What's the matter, you look depressed."

      "I'm having trouble with my wife."

       "What happened?"

       "She said she wasn't going to speak to me for 30 days."

      "But that ought to make you happy."

       "It did, but today is the last day." 

8.        "Darling," whispered a frail little husband from his chair.

       "I'm very sick, would you please call me a vet?".

       "A vet? Why do you want a vet and not a medical doctor?"

The husband replied. "Because I work like a horse, live like a dog, and have to sleep with a silly cow."

 

WORK vs PRISON

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.

AT WORK...You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior.

AT WORK...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...You get your own toilet.

AT WORK...You have to share.

IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK...You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK...They are called supervisors

IN PRISON...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.

AT WORK...You get fired if you get caught.

 

神燈

潦倒中年漢獨自在海邊漫步,忽然踢到硬物,低頭一看是盞油燈。

他拾起來,用衣袖拭掉上面的沙,巨大的燈神出現。

中年漢問:「是不是有三個願望?」

燈神答:「不,那是童話慣用的誇張手法,我只能為你達成一個願望。」

中年漢提出要求:「我很想去美國大峽谷旅行,但是怕乘飛機;

朋友提議坐郵輪,我卻怕暈船。你可不可建一條大橋,連接香港和美國?」

燈神罵道:「神經病!你可知造一條這麼長的橋,需要多少鋼鐵水泥?

不可能的事我不做,你再想一個較實際的願望吧!」

中年漢說:「我結過三次婚,又離過三次婚,每任妻子都怪我不了解她。

你能不能令我開竅,明白女人不講話時,腦子裡究竟在想些什麼?

說『不需要』的時候其實想要什麼?」

燈神嘆一口氣道:「那條跨太平洋大橋,你要雙線還是四線車道?」

 

 

Teacher: Tom, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly same as your
brother's.  Did you copy his?
Tom: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

Teacher: How come you do not comb your hair?
Tom : No comb, sir.
Teacher: Use your dad's then.
Tom : No hair, sir.

Teacher: What's the chemical formula for water?
Tom : "HIJKLMNO".
Teacher: What?!
Tom : Yesterday you said it's H to O!


In Tom's house
Father: Your teacher says she finds it's impossible to teach you anything!
Tom: That's why I say she's no good!

Father: Tom, how can you call your aunt stupid? Go and say sorry to her.
Tom: (to the aunt) Aunt, I'm sorry you're stupid.

Tom: Mom, teacher was asking me today if I've any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school.
Mom: That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. So what did she say when you told her you're the only child, my dear?
Tom: She just said ... 'Thank goodness!'


In a clinic
Doctor: I've "bad news" and "very bad news" for you.
Patient: Well, might be better give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you've 24 hours to live.
Patient: What?! 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be even worse then? Tell me the very bad news.
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
 

 

不是因為笨

一個貨車司機送貨到精神病院,當他卸完貨準備回家時。忽然發現有一個輪子爆胎了。於是他將那個爆掉的車胎拿下來,正準備換上備胎時。一個不小心,將固定車胎的四個螺帽掉到水溝裡了,怎麼撿也撿不到。
貨車司機不知如何是好。
此時,正好有一個精神病患者經過,就問司機怎麼了?
司機想,反正也沒有別的事可做,於是就把事情經過告訴精神病患者。
精神病患說:這麼簡單的問題也解決不了, 難怪你只能當貨車司機。你只要把剩下的三個車胎各拆一個螺帽下來, 裝到第四個車胎上,然後開到最近的修車廠,補上剩下的螺帽就可以了。
貨車司機敬佩之餘,不禁開口問道:「你這麼聰明,為什麼會住在精神病院?」
精神病患回答:「我住在這裡是因為我有精神病,不是因為笨!」

 

 

死的最慘

有三個人要上天堂,但天堂已經客滿了,所以天堂管理員就說:「你們三個人誰死的最慘,我就讓誰上天堂.」
甲說:「我住四樓,有一天,我回家時看到東西被翻過了,知道有小偷來過, 正好看到窗台上有個人爬在上面,我認為他是小偷,就把他踹到樓下, 沒想到他彈到二樓的遮雨棚架上,沒有事,我很生氣, 把我家的舊冰箱丟下樓把他砸死了, 結果我很高興. 笑一笑心臟病發死了.」
乙說:「我住五樓,有一天, 我在擦玻璃窗, 不小心掉下樓, 還好我抓住四樓的窗台, 沒想到突然有一個人跑出來,把我踹下樓.我彈到二樓的遮雨棚上沒事, 結果他竟然又拿了一個舊冰箱把我砸死了.」
丙說:「我當小偷, 結果東西沒偷到, 主人就回來了.我只好躲到一個舊冰箱裡, 但不知為什麼,我好像掉到樓下似的,不知不覺就死了.」

 

 

建陵墓

有個大富翁請了全國最好的建築師來給自己建造陵墓∼
三年之後,大富翁問建築師:「全部工程結束了嗎?」
建築師:「差不多了。」
大富翁:「還差什麼呢?」
建築師:「只差你了!」
 

 

婦產科

婦產科醫院的候診室裡,幾個準父親焦急地等待著。
『哇!................』 宏亮的嬰兒聲劃破了寧靜。
「張先生,恭喜,你太太生了對雙胞胎。」護士向張先生報喜道。
「真巧,我是雙星沙士的經裡。」老張高興地說。
不一會兒,老趙的太太也生了,這次是三胞胎。
「哈!真巧,我是三洋公司的外務員。」
接著....小王的太太生了七胞胎。
「哎呀!有夠巧喔! 我是七喜汽水的經銷商耶!」
這時,兩個男人臉色大變,充匆匆逃出了醫院。逃了好遠,兩人驚魂甫定, 其中一個人問另一個:「老兄,你為什麼要跑?」
「我能不跑嗎?我在百佳上班哩! 你呢?」
「oh..我在萬寶路......」

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