Phantom of the Opera (Jellicles' version)
CAST:
Phantom - Mortoffelees
Christine - Demiluna
Raoul - Macavity
Firmin - Smartophere
Andre - Munkustrap
Carlotta - Rubyleeah
Madame Giry - Jellylorum
Piangi - Plato
Reyer - Happizer
Meg Giry - Jemima
Buquet - Pouncival
Lefevre - Tumblebrutus
Policeman - Alonzo
Chorus –Bekinetoria,Angela,Bridgeter...
Before the spoof
Victo:Oh everyone! I’m so happy!!This is my first time to be a director!!
Tumble:Terrible.*runs away*
Victo:YOU COME BACK.
Demi: WOW~~~by the Everlasting Cat,am I CHRISTINE~???
Victo: Yep.
Morto:WHY!?Why I’m the phantom?I don’t want to wear this STUPID mask!
Victo:You have no choice.
Morto:It’s not fair!I should be“Raoul”!
Victo:Sorry.Raoul is for Macavity.
Mac: Yes!I am the good guy for once!
Morto: Whom everyone hates.*leaves *
Mac: Shut up and let me savor it!
Victo: Better idea! Let’s shut up and get on with it.
All: *moan*
Victo:Ready?Well, Action!!
Act 1 Scene 1
Leeah (holding a dead mouse): This trophy from our saviors, from the enslaving force of Rome! What’s the mouse supposed to be again? Would anyone mind if I ate it?
Plato: I think it’s supposed to be a severed head. I don’t know why...
Happizer: Why are we doing a play within a play?
Victo:CUT!!!! I can hear you! Happizer, get off the stage! Plato, go on and say your part.
Plato, Happizer,Leeah: What are we doing?
Smart: Phantom of the Opera, I think.
Plato, Happizer, Leeah: Oh.
Victo: Okay, okay...To the chorus!
All: The trumpeting elephants
sound-hear, Romans, now and tremble!
Hark to their step on the ground-hear the drums!
Hannibal comes!
Tumble: What am I supposed to say again?
Victo: Skip it.Leeah, your Think of Me.
Leeah: Think of me, think of me
fondly, when we’ve
said goodbye~
Remember me once in a while- please promise me you...
*CRASH*
Morto: Was that too early?
Victo:Maybe it was...or maybe it wasn’t!
Bekinetoria ,Angela,Bridgeter:
He’s
here: the Phantom of the Opera...
He is with us...
It’s
the ghost...
Plato: You idiots!
Leeah!Leeah!Oh my lovely sister, are you hurt?
Tumble: What’s a signora?
Victo: I will remain calm... I will remain calm...Okay,I want to skip to something interesting now...
Scence 2
Morto: Wait,I don’t know what this means.*look up the dictionary*
Victo: Come on,Just say it anyway,Morto.
Morto: Bravi. Bravi. Bravissimi. Is that means＂Bravo”...?
Victo:Whatever!
Jemi: Where in the world have
you been hiding?
Really, you were perfect!
I only wish
I knew your secret!
Who is this new tutor?
Demi: Father once spoke of an
angel...
I used to dream he'd appear...
Now as I sing
I can sense him...
And I know he’s
here...
Here in this room he calls me softly...
Morto: *trips backstage and falls loudly* Dammit!
Jellylorum: *to Morto* Don’t use that language!
Demi,Jemi: *laugh*
Victo: Shut up and sing!
Demi: Somehow I know he’s always with me... he- the unseen genius...
Jemi: Demi you must have been
dreaming...
Stories like this can’t
come true...
Demi, you’re
talking in riddles... and it’s
so like you!
Demi: Angel of Music!
Guide and guardian! Grant to me your glory!
Jemi: Who is this angel? This...
Jemi, Demi: Angel of Music!
Hide no longer!
Secret and strange angel...
Demi: He’s with me, even now...
Jemi: Your hands are cold... How are Demi’s hands cold if there’s fur over them?
Demi:All around me...
Jemi: Your face, Demi, it’s white... Even though it isn’t, not really...
Demi: It frightens me...
Jemi: I’m frightened too...
Jellylorum: Jemima. Are you a
dancer? Then come and practice.
My dear, I was asked to give you this.
Demi: A red scarf... The attic... Little Lotte...
Scence 3
Smart: Munku, I think we’ve made quite a discovery in Miss Demiluna!
Munku:* to Mac* Here we are, Macavity. Don’t hurt her.
Mac: Her, no. You, maybe.
Victo: Mac! Munku!
Munku, Mac: *sticks tongue out at Victo*
Mac: Gentletoms, if you don’t mind. This is one visit I would prefer to make unaccompanied...
Munku: As you wish, Macavity.
Mac: Demi, where is your nonexistent scarf?
Demi: *giggles* Macavity...
Mac: You can’t have lost it.
Demi: Okay! Because you had, for
some reason, run into the sea of all things to fetch a scarf I threw in there to
get rid of... Oh, Macavity...
It is you, like it would be anyone else...
Mac: *eyes fill with tears*Demiluna...
Plato:I can’t believe it!Macavity is crying!!
Mac:SHUT UP!! I’m not!
Victo:*laughs loudly*Yes you are!
Mac:@$#&(&*)*()^&%
Demi:Hey,Don’t take any notice of them,Macavity!!
Mac: Well...Okay...Little Lotte let her mind wander...Little Lotte thought:Am I fonder of dolls...
Mac, Demi: ... or of goblins, or shoes...
Demi: Or of riddles.
Of frocks, like I wear frocks...
Mac: Those picnics in the attic...Or of chocolates...
Demi: Father tuning the violin he hasn’t played for a year...
Everyone: That’s RENT!
Demi: Ooops!Sorry!
Mac:*imitating Victo’s voice*Cut!!!
Demi:*falls over laughing*
Victo:OH SHUT UP,Macavity.And don’t laugh,Demi!Get on with it!
Demi:*giggles*Lo-tte said, is when I’m asleep in my bed,and the Angel of Music sings songs in my head!
Mac, Demi: ... The Angel of Music sings song in my head!
Demi: Father said, "When I’m in Heaven, child, I will send the Angel of Music to you." Well, father is dead, Macavity, and I HAVE been visited by the Angel of Music.
Mac: No doubt of it!And now we’ll go to supper and end this torment!
Demi: No, Macavity, the Angel of Music is very strict.
Mac: I shan’t keep you up late!
Demi: Okay!Kakaka~~~~~
Morto: No!!! You say no. I’m looking forward to my next part!
Mac: I’m sure you are, Mortoffelees! You must change. I must get my hat. Two minutes- Little Lotte.
Demi: Macavity!
Things have changed, Macavity!!!
Morto’s voice: Insolent boy!
Mac (offstage) : *laughs*
Morto’s voice: *laughs* Thi- this slave of fashi-ion.
Victo: Concentrate, Morto...
Morto: Basking in YOUR glory!
Ignorant fool!
This brave young---
Mac (offstage): *laughs*
Morto: Brave young suitor, sharing in MY triumph!
Demi: Morto, I hear you!
Speak-
I listen...stay by my side, guide me! Morto, guide ME? He is younger than
me!ka~ka~ka~
Angel, my soul was weak, forgive me.Enter at last, Morto!
Morto: *giggles* Flattering
child, you shall know me...
See why in shadow I hide...
Look at your face in the mirror-
I am there inside! It’s
magical!!
Demi: *reading over her next lines*Gosh...There is something wrong with this girl...
Victo: *taps foot*
Demi: Angel of Music!
Guide and guardian!
Grant to me your glory!
Angel of Music!
Hide no longer!
Come to me, strange angel...
Morto’s
voice: I am your Angle of music~
Come to me, Angel of Music...
Mac: Whose is that voice, even
though I know its Morto’s?
Who is that in there?
Morto: I am your Angle of
Music...
Come to me, Angel of Music...
Mac: Demiluna!Angle!
Demi: I sense this will become a standing joke...
Victo: A-HEM!
Demi: *in a horribly squeaky
voice, with key changes every few seconds* In sleep he sang to me, in dreams he
came... that voice which calls to me and speaks my name...
And do I dream again?
For now I find the Phantom of the Opera is there- inside my mind!!!
Morto: *catches on, and sings
the same way as Demi* Sing once again with me our strange duet...
My power over you grows stronger yet...
And though you turn from me, to glance behind, the Phantom of the Opera is
there- inside your mind!!!
Victo: Aaaarhg! STOP!CUT!CUT!CUT!Okay. Both of you,skip to scene six!
Everyone but Morto and Demi: We’re BO-OOO-OORED! Director!!!
Victo: Okay, Scene 7!!Happy?
Scene 7
Pouncival: Like yellow parchment
is his skin... a great black hole served as the nose that never grew...
You must be always on your guard, or he will catch you with his magical lasso!
Jellylorum: Those who speak of what they know find, too late, that prudent silence is wise.Pouncival, hold your tongue- he will burn you with the heat of his eyes...
Scene 8
Happizer: We could skip it, if you want...
Smart: We can?
Happizer: *whispers* Yeah. If we all start somewhere else, she won't be able to stop us...
Smart: Cool!
Scene 8
Mac: Why have you brought us here?
Demi: Don’t take me back there!
Mac: We must return!
Demi: He’ll kill me! Actually, you wouldn’t, would you Morto?
Morto (from behind the statue): No.
Mac: *with emotion* Be still now!
Demi: His eyes will find me there!
Mac: Demi, don’t say that. He’s up here.
Demi: Those eyes that burn!And his eye is like a fireball frearfully blazing,he gave a great-
Mac: STOP,that’s “Rumpus Cat”,Demi...
Demi: Ooops I did it again...
Tumble:*sings*I played with your heart,got lost in the game...oh baby baby...
Jemi:Oh!Jess,I know this song!Britney Spears:Oops I did it again!!
Tumble:Bingo!
Victo: Tumble!Jemi!Get off the stage,NOW!!!
Demi: Um...Th-e Phantom of the Opera will kill...
Mac: This Phantom is a fable...
Believe me, I wish it were true...
Demi: And kill again!
Mac: I wish there was no Phantom of the Opera...
Demi: Everlasting Cat, who is this cat...
Mac: Everlasting Cat, who is this cat...
Demi: ... who hunts to kill...?
Mac: ... this mask of death...?
Demi: Actually, it’s
fur!
I can’t
escape from him...
Demi, Mac: And in this labyrinth, where night but not cats, is blind, the Phantom of the Opera is here: inside the director’s mind...
Mac: There probably isn’t a Phantom of the Opera but I don’t really know...
Demi: I don’t wanna sing all this!
Morto (from behind the statue): But...I have a part here!
Demi: Fine!Macavity~~~I’ve been there~~~to his world of unending night~~~~~
Mac: That actually sounds nice.
Demi: Thanks.
To a world where the daylight dissolves into darkness... darkness...
Mac, I’ve
seen him!
Can I ever forget that sight?
Can I ever escape from that face?
So distorted, deformed, it was hardly a face...In that darkness...darkness...
Mac: Waaait a minute! How can you have seen his face if it was dark?
Demi: I don’t know.Well,let’s sing this.
Mac,Demi:Share each day with me,each night,each morning...
Demi:Say you love me...
Mac:You know I do...
Mac,Demi:Love me-that’s all I ask of you...Anywhere you go let me go too...
Victo:*cough loudly*
Mac,Demi:*glare at Victo*Love me,that’s all I ask of you...
Morto:I gave you my music...made
your song take wing...and now,how you’ve
repaid me: denied me and betrayed me...
He was bound to love you when he heard you sing...Demi...Demi...
Mac,Demi: Say you’ll
share with me one love,one lifetime...say the word and I will follow you...
Share each day with me, each night, each morning...
Morto: You will curse the day you did not do all that the Phantom asked of you~~~~!HAHAHAHAHA!!!Go!!!!!
Act 2 Scene1
Munku: Smart?
Smart: Munku?
Smart: Dear Munku, what a splendid party!
Munku: The prologue to a bright new year!
Smart: Quite a night! I’m impressed!
Munku: Well, one does one’s best...
Munku,Smart: Here’s to us!
Smart: I must say, all the same, that it’s a shame that "Phantom" fellow isn’t here!
Munku: Don’t say things like that...
Morto (offstage): They might come true!
Smart: Someone’s getting in character...
Victo: At this point, everyone sings "Masquerade." While I like it, I don’t want to type the entire thing. Pretend it happened!
Munku:Someone is also lazy.
Jellylorum: What a night!
Jemima: What a crowd!
Munku: Makes you glad!
Smart: Makes you proud!
All the cream... de la cream!
Leeah: Watching us watching them!
Jemima, Jellylorum: And all our fears are in the past!
Munku: Six months...
Plato: Hey, I get a line!! Of relief!
Leeah: Of delight!
Munku, Smart: What’s Elysian?
Happizer: The director’s motto is, "Say it anyway."
Munku, Smart: Of Elysian peace!
Jemima, Jellylorum: And we can breathe at last!
Leeah: No more notes!
Plato: No more ghost!
Jellylorum: Here’s a health!
Munku: Here’s a toast: to a prosperous year!
Smart: To the new chandelier!
Plato,Leeah: And may its splendour never fade!
Smart: Six months!
Jellylorum: What a joy!
Jemima: What a change!
Munku,Smart:What a blessed release!
Munku: And what a masquerade!
Demi: WHAT...?This Christine person got ENGAGED to MACAVITY?
Victo: No, that’s you. Christine got engaged to Raoul.
Demi: *screams in horror until Mac throws cold water in her face* Ggggllg!
Mac: This is pretend, Demi...Only pretend...
Demi: Okay. I feel better now.Let’s not argue...
Mac: Let’s argue...
Demi: I’m glad this is pretend...
Mac: I can only hope I’ll...
Demi: You will...
Mac, Demi: Understand in time...
Victo:As said, much as I love Masquerade, I refuse to type it. Pretend it happened.
All *to spite the director*:
Masquerade!
Grinning yellows, spinning reds...
Masquerade!
Take your fill- let the spectacle astound you!
Morto: Why so silent, good cats?
Did you think that I had left you for good?
Have you missed me, good cats?
I have written you an opera!
Here I bring the finished score-
"Don Juan Triumphant!"
I advise you to comply- my instructions should be clear-
Remember, there are worse things than a shattered chandelier...
Demi: *nervously* You’re getting into character a bit much,Morto...
Morto: Your chains are still mine- you will sing for me!
Scene 2
Mac: Jellylorum! Jellylorum...
Jelly: Macavity, don’t ask me- I know no more than anyone else...
Mac: That’s not true. You’ve seen something, haven’t you?
Jelly: I don’t know what I’ve seen... Please don’t ask me, Macavity...
Mac: Jelly, for all our sakes...
Jelly: Very well. It was years ago. There was a traveling fair in the city...This is NOT suitable for kittens!
Victo: What’s the universal cure?
All: SKIP IT!
Scene 3
Munku: Ludicrous!
Smart: This whole spoof is...
Munku,Smart: Lunacy!
Smart: But we daren’t refuse...
Leeah: Outrage!
Smart: What is it NOW?
Leeah: This whole affair is an outrage!
Smart: Leeah, please...
Munku: What’s the matter now?
Leeah: Have you seen the size of my part? Huh?NO!!!
Munku: Leeah, listen...
Leeah:And I should have been Christine!
Plato: It’s an insult!
Munku: Oh Everlasting Cat, there’s two of them...
Plato: Just look at this! I have to act like I have emotions!
Smart: We don’t have any control over this, remember?
Leeah: The things I have to do for this director!
Plato: Spoofer, more like.
Leeah: Here you are, Demiluna. I should have been Christine.
Demi: What? It sounds ridiculous.
Leeah: You don’t have the voice!And you act horribly!
Demi: SHUT UP!!!
Smart:What should we do?
Leeah: Demi just wanted to be important!
Munku: I have no idea...
Leeah: SHE’S
the one behind this!
Demiluna!
Demi: How dare you! I hate this musical now!You evil queen!
Munku (to Mac and Smart): They’re getting a bit too emotional about this...
Mac: Juuust a bit.
Smart: How about we skip to...
Mac: If we skip to Scene 8, it’ll be over quicker...
Munku,Smart: Then that’s what we’re doing!
Leeah: *leaps on Demi* You did this!
Demi: *claws Leeah off her* I don’t want any part in this plot!
Munku,Smart, Mac: *drags the screaming queens apart*
Mac (to Munku and Smart): Get Rubyleeah out of here, will ya? *holds Demi away from Leeah*
Munku,Smart: *haul the struggling Leeah off-stage*
Scene 8
Morto: Down once more to the
dungeon of my black despair!
Down we plunge to the prison of my mind!
Down that path into darkness deep as HELL!!!
Victo:Wow.
Morto: Why, you ask.
Was I bound and chained in this cold and dismal place?
Not for any mortal sin, but the wickedness of my abhorrent face!
All: Morto must be found!
Morto: Everyone’s after me. Nobody likes me! Waaaah!
Jelly: Your hand at the level of your eyes!
Mac: ... at the level of your eyes...
Jelly: He’s across the lake and I am not swimming that with you. Sorry.
Mac: Oh THANKS Jelly. Do I have to swim,director?
Victo: HAHAHA! Yes! You do have to swim!
Mac: Noooooooo...
Jelly: *reads over scene 9* This is NOT suitable for kittens!
Mac: *swims the lake*
All: *various cat-calls*
Morto: Hey, Demi. Check it out:
Mac’s
here to so-called rescue you
Mac, I really kinda wanted to see you swim that lake. It was funny : )
Mac: SHUT UP!
Have you no pity!?
Demi: It WAS funny~~~Ka~Ka~Ka~
Mac: I don’t want to say these lines...
Morto: The world showed no compassion to me!Happy?
Mac: Thanks, Morto.
Morto: C’mon,
Mac. Did you think I was going to HURT her?
I want to hurt YOU. *throws lasso over Mac's neck*
Mac: That is NOT comforting.
Morto: Okay,my Demi...Either Mac gets it and you leave, or you stay here with me and he lives!HAHAHAHA!!!
Mac: Morto...You are getting WAY too far into character...
Morto: I did it all for the director...mostly because she made me.
Demi: Morto!Come OUT of character...That noose is getting a little tight around poor Macavity’s neck!
Morto: You try my patience! Make your choice!
Half of all (to spare Demi
having to kiss Morto): Track down this murderer--- he must be found!
Hunt out this animal who runs to ground!
Morto: I really resent that, everyone...
All: We know.
Leeah: That was why we said it.
Morto: Thank you all! Okay, Macavity. Get Demi out of here. Try not to remember me. It could be bad if they found you. The boat’s over there, so you don’t have to swim again, Macavity...
Mac: Thank you!
Morto: I think they found my
hiding place... I’d
get out of here, if I were you.
Oh, and Demi... I love you.
Demi *to Mac*: Say you’ll share with me, one love, one lifetime... say the word and I will follow you...
Mac: Share each day with me...
Demi: ... each night...
Mac, Demi: ... each morning...
Morto: You alone can make my song take flight--- it’s over now, the music of the night!
All except Mac and Demi: Finally!
End of Act 2
After spoof
Morto:*looks over at Demi and Mac, then looks away really fast*And they were telling ME to get out of character...
Demi, Mac: SHUT UP MORTO!
Victo: And that is as good as any way to end a spoof... Let’s leave them alone, guys...
<The End>