Feeling A Brand-New Self

音樂、生活、「新」曉琪 

　

Reporter/ Hui-man Hu/Elle Magazine / 記者/胡慧嫚/Elle雜誌

　

English Translation

(What a cyber look Winnie!)

　

Time, sometimes is a good thing.

 

It makes apple from green to red; a small plant to a green forest; snow flakes to a glacier…

 

Sitting in front of the computer, every scene that I met Winnie started to appear in my mind. I feel clearly that time is a good thing…

 

Last time I met Winnie was about a year and a half before. Now, with the same working schedule, same location and same procedure, but a totally different Winnie.

 

She is more peaceful, relaxed and happy. Though it’s about three o’clock in the early morning, and the heavy workload has brought her extreme tiredness, she still looks relaxed and pleasant. What makes her has such changes?

 

‘I know clearly what I want, and the enjoyment and happiness of music come back to me!’ That are the reasons making her smiles so relaxing and her eyes without lost or worries.

 

It’s a good changes, due to the 18-month production of her album. She thinks seriously and bravely facing the problems about her music, lives and dreams, as she had faced contradiction and under struggle for a long time. Starting from the ‘relatively simple, happy and relaxed’ Winnie who enjoying music, to ‘burden loads of pressure’ after great hit song ‘Understanding’.

 

She faced a lot of comments, say, she should continue her original style; should not sing with too little feeling… they all opposite from what she wanted to do. ‘I didn’t know what is right to do, and didn’t know which road I should take.’ Winnie said.

 

Therefore, she felt hard, until these two years.

 

     

‘I know I should have a change. But what should I do? How can I make natural changes on music?’ Traveling to an unknown countries was her solution.

 

‘In fact, I think a saying is so right. It’s “The one who understand yourself well is you.” Even an experienced producer, his help is still limited. He also has to ask you, “Winnie, what do you want to say? What is your next step?” I think we should take some kind of responsibility. That is music should start from singer. We should think who am I and what I want.’

　

Though she did care about the market and the favour of her audience, they no longer hinder her way.

 

‘I feel I should have a breakthrough, a different feeling to continue my road of music. If I still keep what my audience supposed, eventually I would no way out, and at the same time, I lost the happiness and freedom in making music.’

　

She knows well that she should face the cost of unsatisfactory selling result. ‘At least I have made some changes and I’m proud of it!’ Winnie said so.

 

In the past, she chose some hard songs intentionally and received strong criticism from producer. ‘You sang with no feeling!’ or ‘Can you sing better?!’

 

‘In fact we can make a market-oriented album in a very short time. So we wonder it’s worth or not for insisting our belief.’ ‘But I’m so glad for such experience, as I can’t have time to rethink, learn and grow every time in producing album.’

 

Music brings changes to Winnie, and in another way round, Winnie brings changes to her live. 

　

　

* * *

Chinese Original

　

歲月，有時候是很美的一件事。

　

蘋果在樹上由青澀逐漸轉為紅透；稚嫩的小樹長成一片幽靜墨綠的林蔭；或者，飄零的雪花積成千百年不溶，澄澈微藍的冰原…。

　

坐在電腦前，準備開始寫下這篇文字的時候，一幕幕和辛曉琪幾次接觸的印象，開始在腦海中慢慢流轉。然後忽然之間，關於歲月是件美麗的事的感覺，就清晰的在我的心裏浮現…。

　

距離上一次見曉琪，已經是一年半以前的事了。而如今，同樣的通告、同樣的地點、同樣的流程和步驟，我卻在面前清楚的看到、感受到，一個截然不同的辛曉琪。

　

她顯得更平和、更放鬆，也更快樂。即使時間已經是半夜三點，即使連日來的疲憊已經累積到一個高點。然而她仍然顯得自在而愉悅。

　

問她原因。她說：「因為現在的我很清楚自己要的是什麼東西。因為我曾經在音樂裏頭得到的享受和喜悅又回來了！」

　

一個放鬆、舒緩的笑容在她的臉上綻放了開來。清楚、喜悅的眼神裏也全無茫然或疑慮。

　

這樣美好的成長和改變，緣于過去長達十八個月的專輯製作過程中，她對於自己、對於音樂、對於生活、對於夢想等種種問題，勇敢而深刻的思索與尋找。

　

從最早進入福茂唱片，那個「比較單純、比較快樂、沒有負擔、就是做自己喜歡的音樂」的階段開始，到「領悟」之後，「開始有了很多的包袱」。很長的一段時間以來，辛曉琪一直面臨著某種矛盾和掙扎的心情。

　

外面的聲音不斷的跟她說：應該延續原來的風格，不應該唱得太淡，應該要濃烈一點…。可是她心裏想做的，喜歡做的，卻是另一個不同的方向。「我不知道自己到底要怎麼做才是對的？也不知道究竟該選擇哪一條路？」她說。

　

於是覺得僵滯，覺得痛苦。

　

一直到這兩年，她突然有了很深的體驗。

　

「我知道自己應該要改變。可是要怎麼變？怎麼樣才能夠很自然的在音樂上有所改變？」當這樣的問題在心中反復浮現的時候，她決定出發往自己沒去過的國度旅行。

　

沒有設定一定要有什麼偉大的結果，也沒有設定一定要有什麼收穫。然而，一些問題卻很自然的在過程中從心裏跳出來問她自己。

　

我到底了不瞭解我自己？我到底是個什麼樣的人？我之前走了什麼樣的路？現在的我到了什麼階段？接下來我要怎麼走？

越問自己，和自己的心就越貼近，尋找已久的答案，竟然也就逐漸清楚的浮現了。

　

「其實我覺得有一句話說的真的很對，就是【最瞭解自己的還是自己】! 算是一個天王製作人，他能給你的幫助還是有限。他也是要來問你：曉琪你想講什麼？接下來要做什麼？所以有時候我們也要自己負點責任，要用一點心由自己本身去出發、去思考自己到底是什麼樣的人？自己到底要什麼？」

　

透過這樣思索尋找，和自己貼近的過程，她對自己的方向和行動，突然清楚而且無懼了起來。曾經會在意的「市場是不是歡迎？」「歌迷能不能接受？」等問題，都不再是阻礙她往前走的絆腳石。

　

「我覺得我一定要有突破，一定要有不同的感覺，我才能夠在這一條音樂的路上繼續走下去。一方面，如果我一直走進大家所習慣的辛曉琪裏面，到最後我一定無路可走。另一方面，我自己也失去了最初做音樂時感受到的喜悅和自由。」

　

於是，她勇敢而無懼的往前跨步。

　

除了「療傷歌後」裏那個多愁善感的自己之外，她也決心要在自己的音樂裏，表現出那個很豁達、很開朗、甚至很三八、很瘋癲的多面向的辛曉琪。

　

不再害怕拋掉原有的包袱，儘管知道有可能要面對不滿意的銷售數字。因為「至少我在改變，我覺得很驕傲！」她說。

　

回首整個過程，曾經因為故意選擇了一些很不擅長的歌，而被製作人一針見血的批評：「你唱的一點感覺也沒有！」或者「你到底可不可以唱好啊？！」也曾經和製作人李宗盛一起感到沮喪和疑惑。因為「其實也可以花很短的時間去做一張很擅長、很有把握的東西，可是我卻不要。而現在我們堅持這樣的態度和執著度，到底對不對？值不值得？」在還無法看到結果的過程裏，心緒複雜翻攪。

　

儘管曾經挫折、曾經沮喪。然而走過之後，辛曉琪說自己只有踏實的喜悅。
　

「回想起來，我覺得很珍惜。因為不是每一次的製作過程都可以有這樣的時間和空間讓你去反省、學習、和成長。」

　

總是說自己是一個「音樂既生活」的人，辛曉琪這一回在音樂裏所做的深刻思索與蛻變，何嘗不是讓生活中的她，有了全然嶄新的成長和改變？