I Am so Smrt

Well, it’s week three, and I’m already low on ideas. I have a backup entry ready in case this or any other “rant” as Greg is calling it doesn’t work out, but it’s not that great. So I’m now asking everyone out there to wave their hands in the surrounding atmosphere as if they were completely indifferent about certain events occurring in the nearby vicinity. Da roof ... da roof ... da roof is spontaneously combusting. No, that’s not it. I’m asking everyone out there to send me things they might want me to ramble about. And in the event that I start getting spam and viruses and the like, then I’ll formally request that people either stop being jerks or stop sending me e-mails. Is this an attack on SBE-mails and similar fashions of responses to people? No. No it isn’t. In fact, I can’t think of any parallels between this feature and Strong Bad’s, seeing as his e-mails are hilarious and mine have yet to actually respond to anything.

The passage of time is a mysterious phenomenon, starting roughly 13 billion years ago with the conception of the universe. Is this fact true? Maybe, maybe not. My memory isn’t that great and I’m not verifying anything here, so thankfully I’m both dodging scientific validity and plagiarism in the same act of being lazy.

Anyway, Time is an ancient and difficult concept to understand. What exactly is time? Why doesn’t Time stop for no apparent reason whenever it wants? What’s to keep the dimensions of Time and Space from meeting each other in a seedy bar and being caught in an awkward conversation about marital status? Is this a trick question? Is Time a chronic smoker? Can a select few manipulate this entity not unlike Neo in an attempt to make themselves pioneers in the filmmaking industry? Food?

1. Special

2. Maybe it’s insecure

3. Prophylactics

4. Meat

5. Subject could not be reached for comment

6. Even I could do it if I wanted to

7. A jar of almonds

To truly understand the intricacies of Time, we went right to the source: alien freaks of nature Lokar Perrywinkle and Zim Allied.

CCC: So you claim you invented Time?

LP: Yeah, that’s right.

CCC: What was it like to create an entire dimension?

LP: Very messy.

ZA: And loud.

CCC: How so?

LP: Well, in order to create a dimension able to exist on its own, you’ve first got to penetrate into a more sophisticated dimension to ensure that the new dimension can even be comprehended by those trying to develop it.

ZA: Yeah, there were a few problems with that. The early test groups couldn’t stop themselves from exploding.

CCC: They exploded, you say?

LP: Well, that’s not entirely accurate. First, their heads sort of ... uh...

ZA: Ceased to exist.

LP: Yeah, that’s right. First the heads stopped existing.

ZA: Then we tried to reverse the process.

LP: Boy, that was a mistake (laughs).

CCC: What do you mean?

LP: Well, when they got back, they kind of wandered around for a bit, and when they realized that they didn’t have heads, they exploded. Very messy.

ZA: And loud.

CCC: Who was the leader of this experiment?

ZA: Oh, that was Minor Sammit. (Chuckles) You remember Sammit, right?

LP: Oh, yeah (chuckles). Old Sammit.

CCC: Who is Sammit?

LP: Long story.

ZA: Let’s just say he had a very small penis.

CCC: I’m sure this question is on everyone’s mind: why did you do it?

ZA: Well, I think the real question ... the real question is, why didn’t we do it? Why didn’t we do it before? I mean, sure, Time already existed, but, uh ... you know. It’s not your Time. It’s just not yours unless you do something about it. And we dared to do it.

LP: (Pause) Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I mean, how many people can look at a governing force in the universe and say, “You see that? That’s mine. I made that.” Not many people.

ZA: We can.

LP: We can, and uh ... those ... those other people...

ZA: The insect clan on Kafka IV.

LP: Over on Kafka IV, yeah, they can do that too.

CCC: Why is that?

ZA: Well, they were responsible for the seventh dimension. It’s a nice place and all, but it’s not very well put together.

LP: Yeah, you can see where they skimped on the inter-dimensional equalities every once and a while, and it shows. It really shows.

ZA: Then again, who doesn’t these days? I mean, it’s an expensive field to work in.

CCC: One more question before you go -- is Time dysfunctional?

LP: Well ... I don’t know about that.

ZA: We didn’t think it was, but even when you create something from the ground up, you still don’t know everything about it.

LP: Unless you do.

ZA: Yeah, unless you do. That’s very true -- I never thought about it like that.

CCC: Thank you for your time.

LP: Our pleasure.

ZA: Absolutely.

In summary, do I know more about time than I do the economics of child labor? Almost definitely not. For my vision of time ... is strictly a fabricated one. This is John Non-Gorilla signing off.