Simulator

Simulator

(The scene opens with six or seven students sitting onstage in seats done up to look like the simulator chairs in Driver’s Ed. All the chairs are facing the audience. Behind the students is a teacher in his Simulator Control Center. The place where the screen should be is taken up by the audience. Thus the audience will never actually see the film, but will only be able to hear it. One of the students is sleeping in his chair. The students and teacher should be dressed normally.)

Teacher: Okay class – today’s video is a bit of a toughie, so I won’t be grading you on it. However, that doesn’t mean you can slack off, so I expect you all to pay attention. Especially you, Steve. (Steve wakes up, looks around, and falls asleep.) Okay, well it looks like the video is loaded, so you all can start your simulators. (The lights dim and stay that way for the remainder of the sketch.)

Narrator: Remember it is the sole responsibility of the driver to deliver the vehicle and its passengers to their destination safely. If you cannot accept this responsibility, then you have no business behind the wheel. (A student leaves dejectedly) A lot of times you will notice many things while you are driving. In today’s lesson we will practice those things, such as: right and left turns, lane changes, being aware of on-road obstacles, driving in inclement weather, driving in reverse, using second gear, covering the break, pointing at funny hats, making eye-contact with small animals, and what to do in case of extraterrestrial attack while driving. Start the engine and prepare to pull away from the curb. Check your blind spot. Did you remember to signal? (clicks are heard from the students) At this stop sign, go straight. Oh wait… no, go left. (everyone frantically steers left) Now prepare to do a lane change. Turn on your signal, and change lanes. (A terrible crashing noise is heard; the students are horrified) See what happens when you don’t check your blind spot? (chuckles) Let’s try that again. Turn on your signal, check your blind spot, and cut this fellow off. Check your inside rearview mirror and make eye contact with him. See that hand signal he is giving you? Return it with your own.

Teacher: (panicked) Don’t do it!!!

Narrator: Now continue down this road. Did you remember to fasten your seatbelt?

Kid: (really angry) CRUD!

Narrator: Notice that the speed limit is 35 miles per hour. However, we all know that going 5, even 10 miles per hour above the speed limit is perfectly fine. And besides, all the cool kids speed. You’re not a nerd, are you? Didn’t think so. (Sirens) Oh crap. You’d better pull over -- I’ll handle this. What seems to be the problem officer?

Officer Al: (in a thick Chicago accent) License and registration please?

Narrator: Well, these kids don’t have licenses yet. That’s the point, see?

Officer Al: Was I talking to you? I didn’t think so.

Narrator: Well if you’d just listen for a moment…

Officer Al: I didn’t pull this car over to listen to your excuses. I pulled you over to find out why you were driving 10 miles over the speed limit!

Narrator: Oh crap.

Officer Al: Are you threatening me?

Narrator: What?

Officer Al: Hey Lou, I think this guy is threatening me!

Officer Lou: Better take him down to the station, Al.

Narrator: But this is an educational video! Who’s going to finish up the lesson? Think of the children!

Officer Al: That’s fine – Lou here will finish up the lesson, wontcha Lou?

Officer Lou: What?

Officer Al: See? Everybody’s happy. Now come down to the station, pal.

Narrator: Hey! You can’t do this! You have to read me my rights! HEY! LEGGO! (voice starts to fade away) YOU HAVEN’T HEARD THE LAST FROM ME! REMEMBER ME AS – (gets cut off by a door slamming. Tires are heard screeching away. The students are left with Lou.)

Officer Lou: (Thick Chicago accent) Ah jeez… I’ve never directed an educational video before. Just go nuts, kid. (After a moment of silence two of the students let out a cheer and high-five. Tires are heard screeching as several students go nuts with their simulators and drive like mad. All sorts of noises are heard onscreen, from old ladies shouting to dogs barking. One student acts very confused, and another falls asleep.) Hey, wait a minute … some nutjob’s chasin’ us! He’s running behind a moving class D vehicle! You see ‘im in your inside rearview mirror, dontcha? Don’t just sit there, kid, hit the gas! (Sound of car engine revving is heard) Faster, faster! He’s gaining speed! Hit the GAS, I said! (Car is heard to accelerate even more. Violent pounding is heard on the trunk of the car)

Narrator: Get outta the car!

Officer Lou: Quick, veer to the left! (Tires are heard to screech)

Narrator: (Apparently on the side of the car) Last stop, copper! (Car door is opened)

Officer Lou: (His voice fades away) AAH, I’M FALLING!

Narrator: (Car door closes) Now drive, DRIVE! (Car revs once more) And … PARK! (Car tires screech very loudly. The narrator is once again very calm.) Now secure you vehicle. For our next drive, we’ll practice driving in inclement weather. (Lightning crashes. Scary music plays. A scream is heard.) Get ready to drive again. And… GO! Tires sceee… oh wait. (Tires screech) Take a right at this light. Continue driving, looking out for anything you may miss in the rain. (Cat meows) Did you notice that cat? What color was the cat? (Boat honks) You’re not still thinking about the cat, are you? Notice that tow truck in front of you? What say we try to jump it? First, accelerate your speed to about 120 miles per hour. Otherwise you might not clear the truck, and we wouldn’t want that, would we? Now make sure you are going to hit the ramp square. Keep the vehicle straight and maintain a constant velocity. (Noise of a car hitting a ramp is heard. The car comes back down to the ground.) That wasn’t such a chore, now was it? Now slow down. (Following lines are said in rapid succession) Watch out for that stop sign. Be careful of that pickup truck. Change lanes. Be mindful of the future. Keep your space cushions open. Watch out for that tree. Swerve right. (At this point the narrator’s voice overlaps itself, and many sentences are spoken at once. It only becomes more disorienting as time goes on, and the students begin to look around frantically. One of them screams and faints. One is still asleep.) Apply gentle pressure on the break. Accelerate quickly. Yield to oncoming traffic. What does that sign say? Is that a tornado up ahead? (Intense wind is heard) Beware of flying cows. (Cow is heard) Jump over that cruise liner. (Fog horn is heard) Stop at this train crossing. (Train’s whistle heard) Notice the pedestrians mocking your clothing choice? (Laughter is heard) Your windshield has shattered. (Violent wind is heard.) Don’t stare, it’s impolite. Dodge those bullets. (Bullets are heard whizzing by.) An extraterrestrial vehicle is abducting your car. (Alien noises are heard.) The moon is crashing into the earth. (Kazoo is heard.) STOP AT THIS STOPLIGHT. (This last comment stands out above the rest and after it is said, all the sounds stop and normality is immediately resumed,) The light is now green, continue to drive straight. (A loud and terrible crash is heard. The lights on the stage go red.) Uh-oh. That guy ran the red light and hit you. You’re dead… and there’s nothing you can do about it.

Kid: (Horrified and dismayed) Why would they show that?

Teacher: Well… that’s the last one in the series, but since we’ve got a little time left in the period, I’ll pop in one more film. (Rummages for a moment or two and produces a tape.) Ah, here’s one! (Loads film. A beat.)

New Narrator: (Sounds like Christopher Lloyd.) Today we will learn how to drive a customized ‘83 DeLorean. For optimal driving conditions, accelerate to a speed of 88 miles per hour. (Lights start flickering all across the stage.) Jumpin’ jigawatts… Here we gooooooo…! (Brilliant flash onstage, then the lights go down abruptly. Ideally the orchestra should be playing the “Back to the Future” theme.)

[LIGHTS DOWN]