Only this time you aren’t listening
This time you aren’t here.
Like a million times before, I am crying
Only this time you aren’t wiping my tears
This time I cry for you.
We made quite a story,
we are quite wrapped up in each other’s lives
My happiness became yours,
and your pain was always mine.
I would place my head on your chest and hear your heart beating
and think this is the metronome of my life,
this is the sound of hope and laughter.
That heart beats no longer.
I would stare, transfixed, at your smile
The tiny dimples and your perfect teeth,
laughing and those lips saying “I love you”
That mouth will move no more.
Like a million times before, my mind is reeling
I am unable to process everything I’m feeling
Only this time, you are gone.
I can imagine all too well, those strong hands
hands I found salvation and pleasure in
holding a weapon of your own destruction
I can imagine all too well, the barrel of disaster pressed against your temple
a temple I kissed and took for granted
violent passion made our lives,
violent passion ended yours
and I am unfinished.
you can’t read this now, I won’t hear you say
“god, that is disturbing, but you are genius, babe, pure genius” punctuated with one of your kisses
that I always pretended not to want,
I’m glad you could see through my lie.
I won’t hear your laughter again, and the silence in my world is excruciating
I can’t afford to remember you but I won’t let you go
and even though you are gone, you need to know
I loved you with all I had, in every way I was able,
and I am shattered.
you released your suffering soul
and left me something less than whole.
find your peace and I’ll find mine,
I’ll find your memory in my sleep tonight
with only the beating of my own heart to sustain me.
I hope that you are happy.