| Why hasn't anybody combined these two activities yet? Seems that we've come up with most everything there is to do, and yet I have not heard of an arsonist flautist. This is deeply confusing for me. As you may have guessed, there is only one remedy for this sort of conundrum. It's a dirty business but someone has got to do it. So I took up flute lessons. It took about 3 years to become as proficient as I felt I needed to be, that instrument is a motherfucker to figure out. You've got to have the embouchure of a porn star, the lung capacity of a killer whale, and the digital dexterity of a court stenographer on crack, but I got it down, not without, of course, taking up each of the aforementioned occupations as research upon the topic. For when I take up to do something, I do it right. And in my quest to ever diminish the possible novel ideas I might as well do a good job, insuring no one else has to waste their time on it so as the thing may be done proper. So then I knew how to play the flute, perform the respectful acts of fellatio and cunnilingus, breath like someone who hasn't smoked in any of their previous lives, and type like a bat out of hell who could type really well. Surely those other traits will come in handy at some point in the future. But as for now I took the former and a book of matches down to the old depot. It was late afternoon, around five-thirty, as I assumed this to be the last hour people would expect a man playing flute in front of a depot would then set it afire. I played my little heart out there on the steps and when I couldn't hardly move anymore I lit my cheap Bic and set it to the stream of gas I had left as it followed it up to the tanks and exploded, I played the flute. As the depot and all of its occupants burned I played the flute. And as some came flailing out of the building encased in flames, screaming and charring, I played the flute. Dozens of people died that day while I played my flute. And when time came for blame I was freed cause I'm insane. It was something new. |
| Flute Playing and Fire Starting... |