There's alot of stuff I don't like about this world. There's alot of people I don't like in this world. On occasion, I can be caught saying that I think the best possible thing for this world is nuclear holocaust. But none of that is really true. And I never would have known just how wrong I had been if I hadn't seen what I saw yesterday in the narrow hallway of a Venice Nightclub. The problem with nightclubs, well the only one I feel like discussing right now, is that they seem to attract many more fat people that attractive people. Possibly because the attractive people are already at home fucking and the fat people are hoping to find someone so hopped up on some drug that they can get fucked too. So there's this nightclub see, and it's full of fat people. A veritable bag of marshmallows you could say if you were insane. Well it is inevitable after so many alcoholic drinks that one must attend to the bathroom or face dire social and hygienic consequences. So off I was, if it weren't for my state I would not have necessarily had the same reaction as I did, but, as it were I had no choice but to realize the danger you were all in. As the architect would have it, the road to the bathroom was perilously miniscule. This not being a problem for those of us under perhaps, three hundred pounds. And maybe it would be ok for us to pass someone that endowed, though I would recall an unpleasant experience, not unlike being born again through the sticky stinky layers of another human being who for some strange reason, genetic or choice tic has decided that it would be a good idea to weigh more than a prize pig wearing a lead suit. But the problem arises, as you may guess, when two of these human soap factories come together in a hallway that is less than 6 feet across. I was that close to the end of the world I tells ya. That close. And the sacrifice I had to make was more than any man should endure. And I will be haunted with my decision until the end of time. For as I staggered towards that Venice Nightclub's bathroom down that little passage I heard a noise behind me. Hoping not to see a charging rhinoceros I was only partially relieved to see a very very fat woman who seemed to have the same problem as I in the bowel department. This was but marginal discomfort however, compared to the terror that greeted my eyes when I returned them to the same side as my toes. As I looked ahead I saw the end of the world. There was an even FATTER woman walking TWOARDS me in the hall. In a slapstick routine to end all I flung my intoxicated head back and forth to the soon to be clashing titans and then it was decision time. I knew that if I did not get one of them back into a bathroom before they met that would be all folks, no more Loony Toons, no more Canadian Bacon, no more Tom Hanks, no more stories by The Duck on truemeaningoflife.com, that would be the end. And it was then, it that moment of hesitation, that I realized that no matter how much I hated the world, I loved life more. And that is why, I took the hand of the fattest lady I have ever seen and passionately, with all the good of the world coming with me, threw her back into the men's bathroom and fucked her brains out.
So thank me you little motherfuckers. I saved the world that night. You all owe me. Pay up. |