Just a collection of funny shit I find all over the net

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -Tiger Woods "A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain." -Robert Frost "Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. " "I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ...I'd have nothing to play with. " -Rodney Dangerfield "I just thought of something funny...your mother." -Cheech Marin "Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. " -Jack Handley "Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." -George Carlin "First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." -George Burns "Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." -Jim Carrey "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." -Jerry Seinfeld "You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'." -Homer Simpson "When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity." -Albert Einstein "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -Stephen King "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson "Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -Robin Williams "See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time." -Robin Williams "I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx "It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all" -Alfred Lord Tennyson "The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain" -Dolly Parton "You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track, only to discover that you're on the wrong train" "One of the major functions of skin is to keep people who look at you from throwing up" -actual exam answer "Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened." "'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt" -Mark Twain

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Last Updated: August 13th 2002