| The Schnauzer Chronicles |
| Doggie Humor |
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| *HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?* GOLDEN RETRIEVER: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb? BORDER COLLIE: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. DACHSHUND: I can't reach the stupid lamp! TOY POODLE: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry. ROTTWEILER: Go ahead! Make me! SHI-TZU: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants... LAB: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I? MALAMUTE: Let the Border Collie do it...You can feed me wile he's busy. COCKER SPANIEL: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark. DOBERMAN PINSCHER: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch. MASTIFF: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark! HOUND DOG: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ CHIHUAHUA: Yo quiero Taco Bulb? iRISH WOLFHOUND: Can somebody else do it? I've got a hangover. POINTER: I see it, there it is, right there... GREYHOUND: It isn't moving. Who cares? AUSTRALIAN SHEPHERD: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle... OLD ENGLISH SHEEP DOG: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb? MINIATURE SCHNAUZER: The following list is from the Hoflin discussion group. These are actual Minis and how they would handle it! ROXY: If I can't play with it, it's of no use to me. LUDWIG: It looks too complicated...I'll go take a nap. ANGIE: I'll just go play with Roxy...we can play in the dark any old night! WINDSOR: I don't know...it looks pretty scary to me. I think I'll just stand here . PAN-TAU: Change it? Can't I just wiggle my butt and make it work again??? |
| *JOKE* Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle. The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arrivingin front of her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty, slobering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me." The sturdy muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, hoiw childish," says the Poodle. "That shows no imigination or intelligence whatsoever!" She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and said "How well can you do?" "Um, I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you little guy?" The las ot the three, tiny in stature but big in finesse, is the Miniature Schnauzer. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and Lab and says: "Liver alone. Cheese mine!" |
| *DOG QUOTES* -If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise - Unknown -Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant - Unknown -To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence, the constant popularity of dogs - Aldous Huxley -A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perserverance, and to turn around three times before lying down - Robert Benchley -Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy -I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. - August Strindberg -No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. - Fran Lebowitz -Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul--chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler -I wonder if other dogs think Poodles are members of a wierd religious cult. - Rita Rudner -My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost $7.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein -Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful - Ann Landers -Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein -In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him. - Dereke Bruce -There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams -When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem. - Edward Abbey -No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. - Christopher Morely -Man is a dog's idea of what God should be. - Holbrook Jackson -The average dog is a nicer person than the average person - Andrew Rooney -He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion. - Unknown -If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principle difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain -I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts! - John Steinbeck |
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