Football season has started. The Yankees have already made the playoffs. The Mets are contending. And the temperature in LA did not hit triple digits today. All in all, life is good. Too bad The Place sucked tonight.
On his way to the shack where Amanda was being held captive, Kyle was told the road was washed out. The sheriff told him to go back to Ojai to wait out the storm. He could have gone to Jake's diner and the two of them could have exchanged Amanda war stories.
Since Peter didn't find Amanda in the shack, he went into the woods to look for her. The last time he went into the woods, he rolled down a hill and had to be rescued by Michael. He must have earned his Boy Scout hiking merit badge since then.
On Coop and Lexi's love boat, Lexi was freaking out because the weather starting getting rough. Their tiny ship was tossed. If not for the spirit of the fearless crew, the Minnow would be lost. The Minnow would be lost.
Coop went down to the galley to fetch a bottle of champagne. He probably figured she'd be easier to toss overboard if she were drunk. He should have brought some Valiums with him. I'm sure Lexi would have willingly popped some.
Back at the beach house, Taylor was in big time labor. She wouldn't push unless Michael agreed to take custody of the baby. Michael said OK. Taylor pushed again real hard and let out a scream so loud that I thought she'd shoot the baby across the room. As expected, she gave birth to a boy, the biggest newborn I've ever seen (new California legislation prohibits the use of premies to portray newborns).
Jeff was doing his radio show in Tampa on WQAK 100 AM. He must not have many listeners because the FCC Radio Frequency Allocation for Standard AM Broadcast in North America starts at 535 kHz. Which means there ain't no radio on earth that can pick his station.
Instead of going to Jake's diner, Kyle went to the Ojai sheriff's station where he called Peter's cell phone. What service does Peter use that has an active cell in the middle of the woods? Anyway, the phone's battery died in mid-conversation and pissed Peter off. He smashed it against a wall.
This kidnapping thing is taking its toll on cell phones. One of the kidnappers tossed Amanda's phone out of the car two weeks ago. It's a good time to buy stock in Motorola.
Speaking in baseball metaphors, "I used to play for this one team then another team came along," to try to apologize to Jeff, Samantha threw in a tennis term, "unforced error." It didn't matter because Jeff accepted the apology and her marriage proposal. That's the last we'll see of them.
They'll move to Canada where she becomes a computer whiz and have her identity altered because of a vast right wing conspiracy she uncovers.
The whole Kyle-looking-at-the-body-to-see-if-it-was-Amanda bit was a total waste of airtime. We knew she was alive and still running through the woods.
Back on the Minnow, Lexi finally realized Coop was going to croak her. Bet she wished she had some of those chill pills then.
In trying to throw Lexi into the Pacific, Coop accidently knocked Megan, who had stowed away and tried to stop him from his dastardly deed, into the drink. He jumped in and saved her. He should have flung Lexi in first.
At the hospital, Jane and Taylor were discussing the baby's features. Jane said he had Michael's eyes and Taylor said he had her coloring. I was hoping she'd say lips. That would have been funny.
And if he had big lips, he'd be easy to babysit. You'd just have to wet his lips and stick him on the wall.
The kidnapper finally caught up to Amanda on a cliff and started shooting at her. Peter, despite the fact that he started much later and that there were several thousands of acres of forest, was able to find them. He was able to talk the kidnapper into leaving blondie alone, despite the fact that the same pleas fell upon deaf ears two weeks ago.
Now that the kidnapping thing is over, I'd like to know what the hell happened. Did Peter ask Beck to set up the kidnapping? Or was it something the two goons came up with themselves? Why did the kidnapper come back to kill Amanda? Was it because she saw his face? Then he should have killed her before he left to collect the ransom. And since Peter knows the story, he'd have to off him, too. Maybe they left that part out in "Kidnapping for Idiots." And since Peter let him retrieve his gun, he could have killed Peter, then Amanda. He's the type of guy who gives kidnappers a bad name.
Anyway, Peter lowered a rope he was carrying on his unseen Batman Utility Belt and extricated Amanda from the ledge. He then carried her to a Motel Hell.
Kyle received a call on his cell phone. He expected Peter, but it was just Taylor. She told him she gave birth. His reaction: "Big fuckin' deal."
She then said that she was going back to Boston and would sell her share in the restaurant back to him. That motherhood had changed her. Changed her so much that maybe he'd wanted her back some day. To which he replied, "When monkeys fly out of my butt."
Jane told Michael that Jennifer was all broken up over Billy dumping her. And it was all Michael's fault. Jane told him to set things straight by playing matchmaker.
Michael, a matchmaker? Mr. "I've-been-married-so-many-times-I've-got-rice-scars," a matchmaker? Yeah, right.
Kyle arrived at Motel Hell to discover Peter and Amanda naked with no clothes on. Peter explained that they needed to share body heat because Amanda was suffering from hypothermia.
Good answer. Good answer.
Bill Clinton might be off the hook now if he responded likewise. "Ms. Lewinsky was suffering from hypothermia, so we got naked and rolled around the Oral Office, I mean Oval Office."
Jane and Jen were at the airport waiting for Jen's flight to New Jersey. Michael and Billy showed up. Good thing his flight to Italy was the same day and almost the same time as her flight to Jersey.
So instead of going to Italy, Billy went to Jersey with Jennifer. From whence the line of the week came. He said to Jennifer, "You are my whole life, Jennifer." That merits the line of the week because that must have been Andrew Shue's worst performance ever. How pathetic. His SAG card should be revoked.
But it made for a good laugh. Too bad these yuks are gone forever. We'll never see Billy again. I'm going to miss deriding Andrew Shue's acting ability.
Anyway, I was hoping that Billy would end up with Alison. Even if it was off-screen. Afterall, Dylan and Brenda hooked up on "Beverly Hills, 90210" off-screen. Let's see how they'll handle that situation once Dylan returns to The Hills.
Megan burst into Coop's office at Burns/Mancini/Cooper. He told her he was accepting the job back in Philly with Dr. Larner, the guy who tried to jump Megan's bones last year. So it's obvious that Coop no longer had fellingsfor Megan. So he should have let her drown and then tossed in Lexi. He'd have $5 million and be one of the most eligible bachelors in the US.
Coop walked off, never to be seen again. Lexi and Megan stayed and chatted. What a perfect opportunity for a lesbian act of love. But that was not meant to be. Fox may have a reputation for challenging the censors, but we're not talking cable here.
Back at Wilshire Memorial (the only hospital in LA) from the airport, Michael and Jane paid a visit to Taylor. Lo and behold, she was gone. She booked to Boston with Mikey Jr.
In the middle of the night, Amanda crawled out of her leopard skin sheets to phone Peter to thank him for saving her life. She said she thought the connection between them would have gone away, but it hasn't.
Now why couldn't she have just gone downstairs and knocked on Peter's door to tell him? Because then Kyle wouldn't have overheard the conversation. That's why.
And that's it for this week's episode.
Check out my site for the spoiler for next week's ep, "The World According to Matt," the real Season Seven season premiere. Looks to be good.
Also new there are Entertainment Weekly's preview of the fall season, Sean Lennon's comments on his appearance next week, Denise Richard's comments on her appearance two seasons ago and Anson Williams' comments on directing.
Read 'em all at http://www.oocities.com/Hollywood/4616/.
'Til next week...