RATED PG
Benny looked around and smiled contentedly. He was in the Vecchio living room, surrounded by Vecchios, his stomach full of Rosa's delicious cooking. He felt perfectly happy. He was in one of his favorite places.In fact, the only place he would rather be was lying warm and naked and drowsy in Ray's arms.
As his thoughts turned towards his lover, Benny frowned slightly. Ray had left the room a few minutes ago. Benny had assumed he was just going to the bathroom, but Ray had been gone for longer than that should take. Excusing himself to the rest of the family, Benny went in search of Ray.
He went upstairs, but Ray was not in the bathroom or his bedroom, nor did Ben find him in the kitchen. Benny walked out into the backyard, and found Ray there, sitting under one of the big shady maple trees, lost in thought.
"Hello, Ray," Benny said, sitting down next to him.
"Hey, Benny."
"What are you doing out here?"
Ray shrugged. "That movie was stupid and boring, and I just wanted to get a little fresh air."
Benny looked at his lover for a long minute. "Uh-huh. Now why don't you tell me the real reason?"
Ray looked over at him. "Benny."
Benny just looked back at him patiently.
Ray sighed and shrugged. "I was just going a little bit nuts, Benny, okay? I mean all those stupid Father's Day commercials. 'Tell your Dad how much you love him' 'Get a great gift for a great Dad'. You know? What kind of store could I walk into to get a gift that would be appropriate for Pop?
"I can see it now, me walking up the sales clerk 'Excuse me, but do you sell tickets to any rehab centers here? No? Well how about books on how not to treat your children?' That would be fantastic, wouldn't it, Benny?"
Benny didn't answer, he just drew Ray into his arms and held him tightly against his chest.
Ray sighed and shifted against Benny, laying his head on Benny's shoulder and wrapping his arms around his waist. "Oh, well. Pop's long dead, so it doesn't matter anymore, right?"
"Of course it matters Ray," Benny said quietly.
Ray shrugged again. "So I didn't have the best Pop in the world. It could have been worse, you know?"
"Ray, don't," Benny said, his voice thick with emotion. Every time he heard Ray defend his Father, heard Ray's acceptance of the abuse he had suffered as a child, his heart broke a little bit more.
"Look, Benny, of course I wish it could have been different, but we don't always get what we want out of life, you know?"
Benny was silent for a long time. "Do you know what I wish, Ray?" He asked finally.
"No, Benny. What?"
"Well, I wish two things actually. First and foremost, I wish your Father was alive and here, so I could kick the shit out of him."
Ray pulled away from Benny and stared at him in stunned surprise. He very rarely heard Benny swear, and this was probably the first time he had ever heard Benny threaten anyone with physical violence. "Benny..."
"No, Ray! How dare he? How dare he do that to you, how dare he treat you that way? How could any man abuse his own child? When I think about what he did to you, it makes me feel sick.
"The physical damage he did is bad enough, but the emotional damage is even worse. He made you feel worthless, like you're stupid and no good. You are such a wonderful man, Ray, and to this day you can't believe that. You doubt yourself and think you aren't anything special. And you are Ray. You're the most special person I have ever known."
"Benny, it's..."
"No, Ray!" Benny reached out and placed his fingers over Ray's mouth, cutting off his sentence. "Don't say it's okay. Don't you dare say that! Because it's not okay. It's not."
Wordlessly, Ray pulled Benny into an embrace. Ray could feel Benny shaking against him, and he leaned back against the tree again, holding Benny until he had calmed down.
The two men sat quietly for a long time, listening to the soft breeze rustling the leaves on the trees and the happy chirping of the birds.
"What else do you wish, Benny?" Ray asked finally.
"What?"
"You said you wished two things. What's the second?"
Benny pulled away to look at Ray, and Ray noticed with alarm that Benny's eyes had filled with tears.
"Oh, Ray. I wish that just once you could see yourself the way that I see you."
"How do you see me, Benny?"
"I see you as you really are. I see a man who is smart and caring and giving and loving, and very passionate about the things he believes in. I see a man who would do anything for the people he loves. I also see a man who is very sexy, and is one hell of a lover."
Ray was smiling happily, and when he spoke, his voice was full of wonder. "You really see all that in me, Benny?"
"Of course I do, Ray. Because it's there. You are all those things, and so much more."
Ray smiled at Benny again, then leaned forward and gave him a kiss. "I love you, Benny."
"I love you too, Ray."
The two men sat side by side, leaning back against the tree and holding hands. Finally Ray broke the silence. "You know what I wish, Benny?"
"What, love?"
"I wish I could just hate my Pop. Just hate him, without all those other emotions being mixed up with it. But I can't. I still love him, and I still wish he could have been a good Father all the time.
He was sometimes, you know. He could be a great Father, he'd have these moments where he'd show the kind of Pop he could be. And that made it all that much harder when he'd be... when he wasn't so great."
Benny's eyes were squeezed shut, and he was squeezing Ray's hand. "I wish you didn't have to hate him at all. I wish he could have been a good Father to you. I'm glad you had whatever good moments you did have, Ray."
"Yeah, me too, Benny." Ray gave the hand in his a loving squeeze.
"I also wish you could have worked things out with your Father before he died."
Ben's voice was full of sadness and longing, and Ray looked at him carefully. "We're not just talking about me anymore, are we Benny?"
Ben looked over at his lover.
"You had a lot of stuff you were never able to work out with your Dad, either."
Benny shifted uncomfortably.
"He wasn't around for you that much, was he Benny?"
"Well, no, Ray. But he had to be away. It was part of his assignments."
"Well you know, Benny, if he had really wanted to he could have taken another assignment, been posted somewhere he wouldn't have to be gone eight months of every year. But that's not even what I was talking about. Even when he was there, he wasn't really there, was he?"
Benny just shrugged and looked down at his lap.
"Your Father never really understood you, did he Benny? I think he just expected you to be some kind of junior Mountie, and then forced you to fill that role.
"You know I've read some of your Dad's journals, and the way he talks about you makes me sad. I remember that one entry when he was going away on assignment and you were seven years old. He talks about how you didn't cry or even seem upset. And he sounds so damn proud and happy about that. He even says that you're a man already.
"But Benny, you were seven years old! You shouldn't have had to be a man, you should have been allowed to be a little boy."
Benny looked at him. "Things were different for me, Ray. I was raised differently."
"I'll say. Your Dad sure as hell had a different way of teaching you to build a camp fire. Your old man could really be a sick bastard, you know that, Benny?"
"Ray..."
"Really, Benny. I mean, even when Pop was at his worst he probably never thought of abandoning me in the woods."
"Ray, he didn't abandon me. He was trying to teach me to be self-reliant. I'm sure he wasn't that far away, hidden out of sight somewhere."
"I'm sure he was, Benny. But you didn't know that at the time, did you?"
"No."
"No. And it didn't make you any less scared, did it?"
"No."
"God!" Ray exclaimed, almost as angry as Benny had been earlier, "What in the hell was he thinking?! Your Mom had only been dead for what, three months at that point? I'm sure what he did really helped you get over your feelings of abandonment and insecurity."
The two men were silent again, Ray quietly fuming and Ben deep in thought. After a minute or so, Benny spoke again.
"Ray, remember how I told you that I had no memory of the camp fire itself?"
Ray nodded.
"Well, that's not entirely true. I remember the fire, but I don't remember any feeling of happiness or pride or accomplishment. I just remember thinking that maybe Dad would see the fire, and he would come back for me."
Ray wasn't able to speak past the lump in his throat, so he pulled Benny into his arms and held him against his chest, burying his face against Benny's hair.
Ray started laughing suddenly, and Benny pulled away in surprise. "What?"
Ray shook his head. "You know, it's probably a good thing we can't have kids, Benny. We'd probably fall into all the old traps and mess them up good."
"No you wouldn't, Ray."
Ray smiled at him. "Hell, you'd be a great Dad, Benny. Maybe we both would. We'd learn from our Dads' mistakes and not repeat them. Hell, just look at what a great job we do with Dief."
Benny laughed. "Technically Ray, I think Dief is raising us."
"Nah, we just let him think that."
"And I think my strictness is balanced rather nicely by your indulgence, Ray."
"My indulgence? Well, Benny one of us was slipping food to Dief under the dinner table today, and it sure wasn't me."
Benny blushed. "Well, it's a special occasion, Ray."
Ray smiled sadly. "You don't have to make excuses for spoiling someone once in a while, Benny. It's perfectly okay. It's even healthy."
Benny gave him a mischievous grin. "That's why I spoil you, Ray."
"And how do you spoil me?"
For an answer, Benny gave Ray a long kiss, running his hand lightly up and down Ray's ribs.
Ray pulled away. "Oh, yeah. I like how you spoil me, Benny."
Benny laughed, then turned serious. "You know, Ray. I think both our Fathers were men trapped by their circumstances, struggling to do the best they could. I'm sure that they both wanted to be good Fathers, and wanted us to grow up okay."
"Yeah," Ray nodded. "And we did grow up okay, Benny. Both of us."
"You grew up more than okay, Ray."
"You're a hell of a lot better than okay yourself, Benny."
Benny heard the tone of Ray's voice, and saw the glint in his eye, and he grinned. "To what exactly are you referring, Ray?"
"Why don't you let me take you home and I'll show you?"
Benny laughed. "And what excuse will we give your Mother?"
Ray's grin faded into a loving smile. "I'll just go inside, thank her for a lovely dinner, and tell her I'm going home to be with my family."
The two men rose to their feet and walked slowly into the house.
THE END
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