Weekend Update


WITH CHEVY CHASE

Brimley, Cronkite, Geraldo, and then there is Chevy Chase. These are the men that change our lives by reproting the distorted truth. When I think of Chevy Chase I think of really bad 1980's movies. But Chase is more than an over rated performer. He began his career working at "Piss Ass Joes" in L.A. and a few months later he became the original anchor of Weekend Update. Chevy Chase was a pioneer of the naked new broadcast. His naked news bits were classic and made a great weather report! Today a whopping 3% of journalists in Milwaukee deliver news in the nude. I tried working in the nude in my work field. They get all crazy when childcare providers go bare ass during snack time. Chevy will be remembered as one or two or three of the best Weekend Update anchormen.

"Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!"

"Our top story tonight: Generallissimo Francisco Franco is still dead."

"Dedication ceremonies for the new Teamsters Union Headquarters building took place today in Detroit, where Union President Fitzsimmons was reported to have said that former President Jimmy Hoffa would always be a cornerstone in the organization."

"The Post Office announced today that it is going to issue a stamp commemorating prostitution in the United States. It's a 10-cent stamp, but if you want to lick it, it's a quarter."

"In spite of recent allegations of rampant homosexual activities in the professional sports world, from hockey to harness racing, many team owners and executives deny the existence of such practices. Commissioner of Baseball, Bowie Kuhn, and NFL Head, Pete Rozelle, could not be reached for comment this weekend, in the Bridal Suite of the Americana Hotel."

"It was announced today that the small African nation of Chad has changed it's name to Brian. In the spirit of third world solidarity, the nation of Tanzania has changed its name to Debby."

"The popular TV personality known as Professor backwards was slain in Atlanta yesterday by three masked gunmen. According to reports, neighbors ignored the Professor's cries of "Pleh Pleh!"

"Our final story tonight: Frank Sinatra celebrated his 60th birthday this week, with a party aboard his luxury yacht, the S.S. Hoboken. One humorous note: a minor accident occured when the yacht struck an autograph seeker who was swimming toward it. Always the joker, ol' Blue Eyes chuckled later, "Well, I guess it's simply another case of the ship hitting the fan." No damage to the yacht; the swimmer was killed instantly.

"Well, that's the news this evening. This is Chevy Chase saying, good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow."


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