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SHORT PEOPLE AND UMBRELLAS:
"A HAZARDOUS COMBINATION"

Welcome to my pit-stop on the Info-Web! My name is RON "SMITTY" SMITHINSKI. You've doubtless come across the above-mentioned public hazard, SHORT PEOPLE AND UMBRELLAS. I'm sure I hardly need to relate its inherent dangers. Regardless, I'll very briefly (151 words) summarize:

It's raining. People using umbrellas, walking narrow sidewalks. Fat people, skinny people, tall people, and, yes, SHORT PEOPLE. The latter can be classified as anyone under 5'6". The common way to hold an umbrella is with bent elbow and slightly outstretched hand, grip more-or-less shoulder high. The average distance between the plane of the top of the umbrella handle and the plane of the SHARP, METAL SPIKES which ALMOST ALWAYS PROTRUDE from the edges of the umbrella's arced dome, is 8". 8" + 5'6" is 6'2". Yet, assuming that short people most frequently range between 5'2" and 5'6", and their variances in elbow bending result in a grip-hold ranging between 3" below and 3" above shoulder height, it is within reason that the TARGET AREA FOR SHORT PEOPLE UMBRELLA ATTACKS falls between the heights of 5'7" and 6'5".

IF YOU ARE BETWEEN THE HEIGHTS OF 5'7" AND 6'5", READ ON!!

Now, consider whether someone you know stands between the heights of 6'5" and 7'1". Even that person's eyes, mouth, and neck would be located between 2" and 9" from the top of their heads, placing FACIAL TENDER SPOTS fully within the 6'5"-high SHORT UMBRELLA ATTACK RANGE.

IF YOU KNOW SOMEONE BETWEEN THE HEIGHTS OF 5'7" AND 7'1", SEND THEM THE URL OF THIS INFORMATIVE WEBPAGE NOW!!!

 

Before I continue, you may be wondering at this point why I, RON "SMITTY" SMITHINSKI, am so personally driven to expose and remedy this serious social dilemma. You may even have correctly guessed that this danger is one I am personally, painfully familiar with. In 1986, after years of rigorous training with the dream to be an OLYMPIC TETHERBALL PLAYER, and on the eve of my biggest competition yet, I WAS STABBED IN THE EYE by an umbrella on a very rainy day in downtown Milwaukee (location of the North American Tetherball Trials). With blood from one eyeball coating my rain jacket, my one remaining good eye was able to see that, indeed, I HAD BEEN STRUCK BY A SHORT PERSON. She was 5'4" (per court documents), and had been observing her Pekinese, on a leash, defecate on the sidewalk, when she SWUNG AROUND WILDLY with her umbrella and ruined my eye forever. My tetherball career over, I became bitter and directionless -- an outcast of society. Then, nine years and twenty-seven eye surgeries later, seated at the window seat of a PIEROGI RESTAURANT on a rainy afternoon, I witnessed a drunk, fat man kill seven school children in his car. It was then that I worte an Op-Ed in the Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel on the parallels between the AUTOMOBILE/DRUNK DRIVER and the UMBRELLA/SHORT PERSON. This Op-Ed compared the way in which appropriate drunk driving legislation delinquently arrived late in the 20th century to the way in which our thoughts on the SEVERE PERSONAL AND LEGAL RAMIFICATIONS OF SHORT PEOPLE USING UMBRELLAS must undergo a shift in public perception soon in the 21st. How many of you normal-heighted people, ranging from 5'7" to 7'1", have been poked in the eye, or VERY NEARLY poked in the eye by a short person's umbrella spikes? The numbers are in the tens of thousands, and the worst is yet to come. And still, the prevailing "attitude on the street" regarding the superficially or more seriously injured persons in short people umbrella attacks, is that they are UNAVOIDABLE, or that "SHORT PEOPLE AREN'T CONCSIOUS TRYING TO HURT ANYONE." These umbrella attack victims, if they don't go to the EMERGENCY ROOM, commonly go home WINCING IN PAIN or THANKING THE LORD that a spike VERY SIMILAR TO THE END OF A FENCING SWORD had missed their eye by MERE INCHES, often MAKING EXCUSES for their attackers, such as SHORT PEOPLE DESERVE A BREAK or SHORT PEOPLE ARE ALSO A LITTLE SHORT ON BRAINS. I am utterly convinced that within 10 years time, people will have thought it RIDICULOUSLY EGREGIOUS that there was an era when short people might have had CASUAL ACCESS to such damaging tools as the house variety umbrella.

IF HUGELY OBESE PEOPLE (HEY -- I'M A LITTLE HEFTY MYSELF -- BUT NOT OBESE) CAN GET THEATER SEATS SPECIFICALLY MADE TO HOUSE THEIR BLOATED BODIES, PEOPLE OF NORMAL-TO-TALL HEIGHTS CAN GET SHORT PEOPLE TO STOP STICKING KNIVES IN THEIR EYES!!!

click here to read ALL OF THE EMAIL I'VE BEEN GETTING ABOUT THE HOODBRELLA!!

Don't get me wrong. Nobody who knows me would say that RON "SMITTY" SMITHINSKI has a small heart, or a black heart, or a hurtful, angry heart. So I am not suggesting that short people go around wet all the time. Once legislation is passed that ensures a ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY on short person access to umbrellas, these little people will be kept as dry, or at least very nearly so, as normal-heighted people. To insure this, I've created "THE HOODBRELLA," a hooded hat with a diminutive, rubber-spiked umbrella on the top. With any luck, THE HOODBRELLA will soon be available at all LONG'S DRUGS, MERVIN'S, and VARIOUS CHILDREN'S CLOTHING OUTLETS, and will retail for only $29.95.

click here to order and for a .GIF image of "THE HOODBRELLA"

A REMINDER: I am taking the high road on this issue. Others might go so far as to ask whether it is just a coincidence that 5'7" is the LOWEST VICTIM HEIGHT that short people (5'6" or lower) stab with sharp objects on rainy days. But I believe it is for you to think over whether or not short people are also INHERENTLY "BAD" PEOPLE as well as being hazards when equipped with certain objects. For now, I simply want umbrellas held up high, like our pride, out of their reach.

PEACE-OUT,
RONALD "SMITTY" SMITHINSKI
FRIEND OF THE AVERAGE-TO-TALL-HEIGHTED PEOPLES