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Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol!
Use statistics like a drunkard uses a lamp-post:
For support, Not Illumination!
Smoking is - Suicide - The Halaal Cut.
Don't test my patience; Like a litmus test you will only make me RED or BLUE.
Marriage is synonymous with SYMBIOSIS as long as no living being is party to it.
24 Hours in a Day; 24 Beers in a Case
- Coincidence???
Yes, we must ever be friends; and of all who offer you friendship let me be ever the first, the truest, the nearest and dearest!
I would love to run away from you!
But I'll die if you fail to find me out!!!
Love is not about looking into each others' eyes,
It's about looking together at a common goal.
They might not need me; but they might.
I'll let my head be just in sight;
a smile as small as mine might be precisely their necessity.
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Funny/Witty/Sarcastic ...
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She has not only kept her lovely figure ...
She's added SO MUCH to it!!!
She has been kissed as often as a court-room bible,
And very much by the same kind of people.
I know why the sun never sets in the british empire:
God cannot trust an englishman in the dark!
Television proves one big fact:
We can look at anything to avoid looking at each other.
Have a place for everything and keep the thing somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom.
I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel that they have not said enough.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up.
Ignorant people think it is the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it is the sickening grammar that they use.
In a museum in Havana there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus:
one when he was a boy and one when he was a man.
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.
It's no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense.
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.
The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.
It is a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations.
There are lies, damned lies and statistics.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.
Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.
Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to explain why it didn't happen.
The length of this document defends it well against the risk of its being read.
There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world, and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
A drama critic is a man who leaves no turn unstoned.
Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.
When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer "Present" or "Not guilty."
Appraisals are where you get together with your team leader and agree what an outstanding member of the team you are, how much your contribution has been valued, what massive potential you have and, in recognition of all this, would you mind having your salary halved.
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.
England and America are two countries separated by the same language.
Hell is full of musical amateurs.
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Make A Note ...
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If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time-a tremendous whack.
The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
Some people regard private enterprise as a predatory tiger to be shot. Others look on it as a cow they can milk. Not enough people see it as a healthy horse, pulling a sturdy wagon.
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four. Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye.
The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of miseries.
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
God is a comedian, playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Let us read and let us dance - two amusements that will never do any harm to the world.
Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by imagination.
Paradise was made for tender hearts; hell, for loveless hearts.
The infinitely little have a pride infinitely great.
A mind of the calibre of mine cannot derive its nutriment from cows.
Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
Beware of the man who does not return your blow: he neither forgives you nor allows you to forgive yourself.
Censorship ends in logical completeness when nobody is allowed to read any books except the books that nobody reads.
Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than we deserve.
First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity.
Give a man health and a course to steer, and he'll never stop to trouble about whether he's happy or not.
Take care to get what you like or you will be forced to like what you get.
The worst sin toward our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent to them: that's the essence of inhumanity.
There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.
When a man says money can do anything, that settles it: he hasn't got any.
The ego is not master in its own house.
A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen.
It has always surprised me how little attention philosophers have paid to humor, since it is a more significant process of mind than reason. Reason can only sort out perceptions, but the humor process is involved in changing them.
Most executives, many scientists, and almost all business school graduates believe that if you analyze data, this will give you new ideas. Unfortunately, this belief is totally wrong. The mind can only see what it is prepared to see.
One very important aspect of motivation is the willingness to stop and to look at things that no one else has bothered to look at. This simple process of focusing on things that are normally taken for granted is a powerful source of creativity...
Don't hit at all if it is honorably possible to avoid hitting; but never hit soft.
Far and away the best prize that life has to offer is the chance to work hard at work worth doing.
Get action. Seize the moment. Man was never intended to become an oyster.
I think there is only one quality worse than hardness of heart and that is softness of head.
Keep your eyes on the stars, and your feet on the ground.
Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.
Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.
With self-discipline most anything is possible.
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