Read What Others Have Shared
(September 1999)
There Is Hope In Knowing That You Are Not Alone
September 28, 1999
From : D. Makower
E-mail : KMakower@aol.com
I have many different disorders that are hard to difficult. I come from a home of poverty to foster homes to orphanages. At the age of eight my mom remaried to a very abusive man. I was abused physically, emotionally, and sextually, as well as by two other male family members. I felt great guilt and shame and much depression. But as I read your articles about IICor. 1:3&4 they are my life verses. My first gift in the orphanage was a Bible. I loved my Bible. We went to church every Sunday morning and I can remember every Bible Story and the parables that they showed on slide film. It was not easy as my house parent also beat me. We had a murder by my step-dads brother in law that killed his two sisters and niece. I grew up with much fear. My mom had to promise to take me to a Baptist chuch if they were to release me to her. I loved going to church. I learned to read my Bible every night as a habit I learned in the Orphanage, as well as pray. My faith took me thro! ugh the most horific times in my life. There were two couples in my church that left a great influence on my life. I remembered every person that shown love and kindness to me. By reading God's word it comforted me and kept me from drug and alcohol. I remember starting to go through my first time of depression at the age of 14. My mom went to take me to a counselor as I had major med. problems at time from all the stress and fear I lived under. Like others I didn't tell the hell my 4 sisters and 3 brothers were living in. I got married quickly when I was 18. I am a caretaker and have always been. I have always thought about what the other person must be going through. I had a child at 19 and within 9 months, I went into a depression that I couldn't function. I thought I was dieing inside and really didn't want to live, but I always knew it was a sin to God and tried to get the thoughts out of my mind. I am a person that always wears a smile and even my own children ! didn't realize that I was depressed. I took some anti-depressant medication which made me very sleepy and I felt out of control so I stopped, got pregnant with my second daughter. Sometimes I would just crawl up in a ball and cry, not really wanting to live, but I loved my daughters and could never do this to them. My father was a Paranoid Skitsophrenic-manic-depressive. He went into a mental hospital when I was two years of age. My mom always called him crazy, so I didn't want anyone to know about my dad. I really don't remember him, but now, knowing what I know about mental illness I realized how very much he must have suffered, and that he may have really loved us, but they didn't have the right meds then. The Lord gave me the grace to be a good mother and not repeat the things my mother did. I was very protective of my children and always tried to praise them. After 19 years of living with a very depressed and angry man, who constantly emotionally abused me, I couldn't take it any more and left. He didn't buy my mental disorders. Because God didn't fix me while I was looking every where for help, and because he didn't believe in taking medication for my bi-polar, OCD, Post Traumatic Stress syndrome and well as Separation anxiety disorder. I lived with terrible depression and manic stages, anxiety and OCD it was hard to function, I felt worthless. The Lord brought me a wonderfun man actually who wasn't a Christian but he listened and cared and didn't think I was dumb. I worked as an executive secretary for 45 engineers and 3 managers, but don't handle stress well, so I am home taking care of my husband. After we married, 3 weeks later he also became a Christian and the Lord began to show him that he wanted him to go to seminary. After 5 years and one job going away after another he is now ready to graduate in December with his Master of Divinity. He is my best friend and very understanding. He supports me even though he knows h! e can't help me and doesn't take it personally when I am so depressed. I am blessed. My one daughter is unipolar and my second daughter is BipolarII a rapid cycler. I live out of state and she becomes very suicidal. I am always available to her by phone...she is 23. If anyone has any advice on how to control my anxiety when she is there, please share with me. She is having a hard time getting help the right meds from the Dr's she's gone to at the HMO she belongs to and after she tried to admit herself twice they wouldn't admit her unless she had a gun to her head or slitting her wrists. Help for any suggestions! P.S. I liked the beautiful grafics intertwined with God's word. What a gift in sharing God's word for so many who have no one to lean on. At the age of 20 I also began to memorize God's word to keep my mind straight from my childhood, and what a treasury of comfort that comes back to me.
Thank you so much for sharing your input as a Christian. I do have to have to keep my disorder silent, because I am a pastor's wife and it's not quite exceptable. In Christ,
D. Makower
September 15, 1999
From : Antoinette
This is the first time I have told my story to so many people , because I was ashamed. I think it all started when I was a child. I was abused physically , mentally , emotianally and sexually. I was the one that had to take care of my sisters and brother. We were very poor and I was always the one going to people and begging them for money for food. My parents used to fight all the time and I used to be so embarrased , because my friends would tell me how they heard them argue. I used to be very shy and only had my very first boyfriend at age 14. My friends already had boyfriends when they were 12 or 13. When I met my husband I told him all about my childhood , because I thought he'd leave me. But instead he supported me and gave lots of love and understanding. I really thank God for him. I used to have a very low self-esteem and no faith in myself. Sometimes I still think low of myself , but not as bad as before. I tried to kill myself many times when I was in my parents home , but thank God I never had the courage to go through with it. If I didn't give my life to Jesus , before I met my husband , I would probably have been dead or insane by now. It is my faith in God and the husband He gave me , that has kept me going and that has improved my life greatly. I do still get depressed sometimes , but then i start praising God and I feel the depression leave me , if that doesn't help , I have a good cry. The Scriptures that has kept me standing are so many , but here are a few : Psalm 23 , Psalm 121 , John 16:33 , Romans 8.
Don't give up you're on the brink of a mericle ! Blessings Antoinette
September 11, 1999
I am not sure where to begin....at the end for me i guess. I finally lost it! I was to damn tired to go on anymore! I called my daughters and said goodbye. What a horrible thing they must of endured during that night. They are 1200 miles away and the mother they loved with all their souls had just called and said goodbye. That was how i felt. It had hit me suddenly...I was too tired to go on! You see I was everything to everyone...and for as long as I can remember it has been that way! I have 3 older brothers and they have gone thru prison, divorce, and many other of lifes problems. I was the one there for them no matter what. For that matter I was the one there for my mother. I can remember going to the car while my father was passed out and sneaking the keys out of the car for her. I can remember telling her I would always be there for her when she and dad fought. I remember going to my grandfathers and helping him to bathe and get to bed, because he was! on crutches. I remember all the help I have given everyone I have known or met! HELP HELP HELP . That was my life. I also have a very high powered job that not only is fun for me it comes with its own problems. You see I am a woman and this is the motorcycle business and a woman with no education....only the desire to succeed shouldnt be here. Well I now have the respect of some of the most powerful people in our industry and by god I had better perform! Well I do, and for that I am proud of myself. There are like I said before two daughters and a grandaughter and grandson. You would think I would be happy they are healthy and active children and grandchildren. Well the miles apart are the most torturous thing in my life right now. I hate the distance. I hate the thought of them growing up without me. You see, how can I help them so far away. I guess maybe that is one of my biggest problems, the fact that I cant help like I want to. I guess I am just rambling and! going from one thing to the next but this is how my mind works right now. I have very little concentration left. I just jump around and try to make me happy. It is not working. I do have a boyfriend who loves me very much and I too love him. I just wonder if he is gonna be able to take me like this. How long does he hang on to the hope that the medicine will work and I will return to NORMAL. That almost is funny actually. What is normal. Well I used to go boating every weekend and sometimes twice a week. It was my favorite thing to do. Now I find excuses not to go. Why?! Then football season is upon me. My second favorite therapy. Dont care. When do you start to care about those things again. How long does it take. I wish I could mark on the calendar a date and have something to look forward to but...it doesnt work that way does it. Oh well. I guess I will just keep trying and knowing that there are others like me and that they are still surviving and so will I.
September 5, 1999
From : Rachel
I have a form of depression called premenstral dysphoria -- basically, instead of normal PMS I get clinically depressed, have fits of rage, and/or panic and anxiety attacks. This was rather difficult to diagnose because it comes and goes. I stared taking a low dose of Zoloft daily about 10 months ago and feel like I got my life back.
(Women -- if you feel like this might be you, please talk to your gynecologist!! There are all kinds of treatments for both ordinary PMS and conditions like mine. They range from vitamins to dietary changes to birth control pills to antidepressants.)
Because my condition is cyclical, my struggle has been different from those who struggle with depression continually. No matter how bad it got, I knew I would wake up one morning and it would be gone. For a while anyway. But I read these stories and it touches a chord -- I know what that feels like.
I also know what it feels like to try and explain that what you are talking about is different from normal experiences. I was blessed very early on to have a Godly woman who knew me well and who also was a marriage and family counselor tell me that my problem was physical, not emotional. I clung to that.
I still struggle because God has not seen fit to let me in on why I had to go through this for so long when it is so easily treatable. I struggle because I see no purpose in it.
My mind continually wanders to Jacob wrestling with God until he gets his blessing. This story used to be a complete mystery to me -- now it is my metaphor for life. Because now I understand that Jacob wouldn't have wrestled with God if he didn't beleive God could bless him. The struggle is a vivd demonstration of faith. If he didn't care, or he didn't believe, he wouldn't have fought.
I just want to encourage you all, when people around you act like faith only demonstrated by smiles and sunshine -- remind them of Jacob wrestling with God. While you are at it, remind yourselves. Sometimes the only way to know you still believe to know you still wrestle with God.