February 27, 2001
E-mail : RestlessSpirit65@netscape.net

Boy the page out of her diary is me to an almost T! I constantly feel like I am not living life, but trapped inside my mind with no way out! I have no desire to do anything. Darkness and emptiness rule my life.

I have been formally diagnosed with clinical depression, but have known for years that is was depression. It just makes it worse to have to constantly defend and explain myself to people, especially those who are supposed to be supportive: family and friends...they seem to be the worse at not wanting to learn about it to help them deal with it too.

I think of suicide often as my only release, even though I know it is not right. I have been on anti-depressants and they work well, although it is an extremely high dosage (and the expense is a factor). But I had hoped to have a baby and was told that I needed to be off of the meds for at least 6 months prior to conceiving.

If so many people suffer from this why are there still so many people who are clueless? I once worked at a hospital where my supervisor told a physician (right in front of me).."oh geez if you are going to commit suicide just do it and get it over with." Pretty amazing huh? I can't stand the phrase "oh get over it" because I have heard it SO much, or the lovely "stop feeling sorry for yourself."

I used to pray a great deal, but have not had the strength or desire to do say lately. Just waking up every day is a major step for me...and I am usually disappointed that I did wake up again.

I wish that my spouse would do more to understand my depression. Does not deal with illness well, so this is a something that gets ignored as much as possible. My spouse did not even realize how serious my depression was until my psychiatrist wanted to put me in a (mental) hospital for a week! And I WANTED to go, but did not because of the stigmatism that follows you the rest of your life.

I almost wish there were some type of physical sign for people to see. Why do people believe in God or Heaven even though they cannot see either, but will not believe that depression does exist?

Well I am so glad I found this site and hope it will continue. Thank you for "listening" to my story.

God Bless.

February 24, 2001
From: Debbie

When I was less mature both emotionally and spiritually I habitually experienced self-pity, anger, resentment and fits of rage. I find that my behaviour is now much more socially and scripturally appropriate, but with those outlets gone I experience the depression in a more direct form. I can no longer excuse my negativity, blame it on others, or direct it outward. It is just a formless, reasonless sense of worthlessness, dread, and despair. I feel as if I must be constantly on guard against irrational thinking.

A friend (who does not suffer from depression) recently admitted that she has been avoiding me because she was feeling very positive about her life and "didn't want to make me feel worse by sharing her happiness". I think it is more likely that she was afraid I would bring her down. I found that terribly discouraging... knowing someone is actively avoiding me increases the shame of the depression and the sense that I have to cover it up and protect people from it.

Yesterday when describing to my best friend how depression affects me, she said "No wonder you're always exhausted, you are constantly battling thoughts of despair and self-destruction in order to think and speak positively." That was a revelation to me, as well as a comfort to be understood and accepted as I am.

I think the misconception that bothers me the most regards medication. I am in full time ministry and my co-workers express concern about the 'addiction' of people to anti-depressants. I have been hesitant to reveal my own attempts to find effective medications.

Though I have ongoing, low-level depression, major depression only hits occaisionally. I have found that remembering it will go away in a few days helps immensely. Though at the time it seems I will feel that way forever, I hang on to the truth that I will not. I think of it as 'riding out the storm'. I have memorized a list of things I can do to help survive the darkness...Christian radio, worship music, hot bath, exercise, prayer, Bible, Christian reading material, house-cleaning, gardening, watching old movies, yard-saleing, calling a friend. When it came last night, I ran through the list until I hit something that seemed 'do-able'. (Depending on the depth and type of depression, some of the 'coping methods' can do more harm than good...I have learned through experience when to use each method)

A scripture that has brought me great comfort is 2 Corinthians 4:7-11,16-18 "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned struck down, but not destroyed. .....Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light an momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

February 20, 2001
From: Perry

my depression started right after I broke my leg and injured my ankle at work. before I was a fairly happy person, but since my life has been one big mess. I tried to get through this without taking any medicine, but finally had to go to the doctor. it has been a strain on my faith when all this began, I still was able to go to church and get some comfort, but as time went on when I go now all it does is make me hurt and get angry, I cant sit still, I fidget all the time and wind up leaving early, and in a worse mood than when I went.
I am now seeing a christian counselor.
well thats all for now.

February 16, 2001
E-mail : www.jonesie24@hotmail.snfc21.pbi.net

I have one question? If you are a new christian and had depression all you life became saved then a major trauma put you into a major deppression and crushed your faith in what He did on the cross for you how can this be? I was growing then wham over this battle I feel like I have lost all ground. How can this be?

February 13, 2001
From: Mark L. Steele
E-mail : synthman0@juno.com

I've suffered on and off from depression since 1976. I asked Jesus to come into my heart and make me what is pleasing to Him in 1977.

I have known good times when my mind was fully functional, my heart was full of love for God, the scriptures and His people. I strive for the ideals Jesus taught, but many times (some say by design) His words get to be too much for me. I go down in condemnation into deep depression. During these times it hurts just to be in this body, and everything in my mind and emotions weighs heavily, reminding me of sins I confessed to Him long ago, making it "impossible" that should have had anything to do with Christ. Sometimes I end up spinning my wheels about whatever I do that is "good enough" for me to have experienced the New Birth. Spurgeon struggled with this greatly, according to his autobiography, and found that the devil (perhaps hiding behind the depression he suffered) would outwit him on every feature of his heart, thoughts attitudes and actions before a holy God.

Sometimes, like Spurgeon, I have to park at the cross and hold on while the devil tries to pull me away by excruciating guilt. It cannot change the fact that I have called upon Jesus, my lord and my God, to be saved, for Him to inhabit me like a house forever. But what it CAN do, apparently, is use very ideals of scripture to discourage me from any sort of joy or assurance. Scriptures like "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of love, power and sound mind." Alas, for whole months I have not been able to meet the ideal of a sound mind. It is too confused. James in chapter 1 talks about "double-minded men" and since depression comes with doubt as standard equipment, it is hard to pray to God with faith. Sometimes I give up on assurance and just speak to Him anyway. What else can I do? The Promise is to all those who call.

These are just a couple of scriptures of the many that have become trouble to me while I am in this mental state.

I take Prozac and trazedone. They seem to help. This is the physical side of my illness.

And the spiritual? I pray and pray a lot. I literally ask Jesus to take custody over every thought or voice or obsession that comes into my mind to torment me. That has helped, too. "Take every thought captive to obey Christ."

It has been 23 years since I asked Jesus in. My hopes of ever being permanently rid of this fail a lot these days, but God has granted long periods during which I was free from symptoms. I find myself very grateful for those times when everything in my life seemed "right" by my views of the ideals of scripture. My joy about God knew no bounds. However, now, I wonder how I could ever fulfill certain ideals of scripture as I am now.

My dear, dear brothers in Christ! I have longed to talk to you and with you, but quite frankly your stories were overwhelming as I struggled to answer myself as to how Christians can be made so miserable with no end in sight! Some, having to additionally bear with the judgements of other Christians, particularly those in leadership. I understand and forgive them by the grace of God, but they don't understand that depressives are no worse sinners that those whose lives are relatively happy and joyful. I share your longing that the disease come with some sort of football-sized tumor sticking out of my head so Christians could see a visible reason for my suffering. But since there is nothing visible with depression, many tend toward a mindset that saving faith is not so assailed by symptoms such as what we have all shared in, or that we could if we just "snap out of it", if we would change our thinking or "repent" or some other thing occur. They have no relation or sympathy for those for whom this miracle does not seem to occur - and how many miracles have they themselves experienced!?!?

I have come to believe that nobody who has never experienced depression can even imagine what a kind of hell it is like, and therefore cannot empathize with those so tormented.

To those reading here who stand in judgement on those who are afflicted - need I remind you of your miserable, humble beginnings in Christ? Jesus said whoever causes "one of these little ones who believe in me" to fall away, it would be better for you if a huge millstone were tied around your neck and you be flung into the sea. Watch your mouth and all will be fine. Reach deep into your "born again" soul looking for God's riches of mercy and empathy, and let them show. And do not presume that some major sin against the Faith, buried in the heart of whoever you think God is judging, is responsible. Matt 25:31-46! Book of Job! READ!!!

My brothers, I will pray for you, and may my prayer be a towering powerhouse for your sakes. God is quite capable of busting your misery into pieces.

And for your consolation, there is a book "A Workbook for the Depressed Christian", in which its author, Dr. Lockley, an evangelical Christian and medical doctor, touches on every facet of being a Christian and enduring depression - scriptural issues, judgement issues and guilt issues. This man suffered from depression himself and knows the battle well.

If any of you read this and want further details on how to get the book, please email me at synthman0@juno.com.

All I can say is, keep talking or crying out to God, do not give up on Him and hang in there. I know it is a real bear, firsthand.

My heart, my prayers go out to you. May Jesus lift all your spirits and take away whatever sins you have, and liberate you of sin, guilt, fear, or of unsound mind.

Mark L. Steele
Phoenix, Arizona

February 3, 2001
From: donna

i grew up in a dysfunctional home, and was made fun of at school because i was different. i dont know what its like to be normal and to be able to feel any thing but anger sometimes. mostly just numb.iwant to really feel normal emotions like love and happiness. i want to feel gods love too. i am on medication