The Trials and Tribulations of HanzoSan

Dana Edwards was feeling a little disheartened. It had been nearly a week since he'd contacted Peacecorp and applied for a tour of duty in the Congo. He had hoped all week that his weight problem, chronic acne and asthma would not discount him from the programme. Dana had been in some financial strife for a couple years now, with those tuition fees from Massachusets Bay Community College piling up. This was particularly stressful for him because, despite having taught himself to read and posessing an impressive intellect, he could not find a decent slack-off job with internet connection that would support his slashdot posting habit. Dana belched while he tapped his cordless phone and stuffed his hand into a bag of Cheetos. Dana, a Jack of All Trades had also been unsuccessful for several years in his attempts to get a night DJ position at a local AM radio station within walking distance of his mother's house. This distressed him, because being a DJ would be such a natural part-time job for him, being a skilled musician on the side. Alas, he waited still and finished the last fluid ounce of his Mountain Dew.

Peacecorp was going to change that. Where his business sense would have failed him in the Merchant Marines and his poor physical condition were not up to snuff for the military, he felt Peacecorp would welcome him with open arms and take his student loan burden off his hands.

"Education equals genius. Genius is good for society. I'll show them, I'm going to buck the status quo. I'm going to make a difference, I'll show them what a poor kid from the ghetto is capable of." Dana thought to himself.

Dana had not shaven for five days, but his greasy facial hair never became very thick, even after weeks of neglect. It grew in a thin, spotty Fu Manchu pattern. Best described, his whiskers resembled soot smeared on his greasy jowels. He scratched at his armpit and pulled the tightening fabric of his pajama pants out of his groin and sighed with relief.

"Aaaah."

Dana was glad that the weekend had finally come around. His Computer Repair Fundamentals and Sociology classes were starting to really dig in. He blamed the teacher for sucking, and was utterly convinced that his superior intellect would reward him with first in his graduating class of 40. He was certain that the same outcome would happen if he got into MIT, but that would never happen. The rich bastards would never give him a fair chance on a level playing field. The MIT bastards hate nerds, just like everybody else. That was alright though, Dana already knew he was superior to most of them anyway. Their facilities were only useful to the superficial.

Dana loosened up a bit by putting some music on the 'juke. He got a free MP3 jukebox from his mother and slapped an "RIAA SUCKS" bumper sticker on the side of it. Dana was vehemently opposed to the ownership and licensing of intellectual property, especially music. Dana downloaded all his favourite Pink Floyd tracks off the internet and onto the jukebox, and this brought a small amount of joy to his empty life.

"Damn the man!" he exclaimed, raising a fist as his gut flopped out of his oil-stained ThinkGeek t-shirt.

Ice T and Fred Durst alone had practically paved the way to justified downloads of all music ever created and served up on KaZaa. And so, Dana sat in in front of his monitor listening to The Wall, waiting for a reply from Peacecorp.

His mother slipped in to his room briefly to set down a balogna and cheese sandwich in front of him while he fired up a beta version of Transgaming on his Pentium 166 with MMX.

"Mom, why don't you hate the RIAA?"

She shrugged, rolled her eyes and closed the door to his room on the way out.

"She forgot to cut off the crusts." Dana held back the tears and ate the sandwich anyway.


[montemplar] wuzzup hanz0?

A privmsg came up on his IRC client. Dana had adopted the "handle" HanzoSan after his Japanese classmate Ohta nicknamed him something that could be most closely translated to "Orphan Pederast", not exactly vulgar but hardly flattering.

[HanzoSan] not much, just chillin on the North end.
[montemplar] cool man, never give up the fight against the evil RIAA
[HanzoSan] information (music) wants to be free! latez oppa!

Dana played Commander Keen on his Linux machine through the night. He had totally forgotten about Peacecorps for now because he had gotten the powerup, and he was going to win the game. He became bored and jacked off till his pillowcase was covered in a couple pea-sized drops of cum. What a great weekend. HanzoSan passed out on the pillow, with Cheeto stains on his dick.