It's the Most Hoboful Time of the Year


They're starting to get bold and are asking for more odd jobs than during the winter, being that it's spring time now. This is your chance to capture one!!! Purchase or obtain: Once you have enticed a hobo to your residence with promises of work, lay out a savory meal, such as BBQ brisket and cole slaw with lemonade. Allow the hobo to start in on his pre-work meal. Once he is thoroughly engrossed, pour some ether on the cloth and incapacitate the hobo. Use your lock and one end of the chain and tether the hobo's collar to the chain with the lock. Now, padlock the other end of the chain to the concrete slab's fastening point. Now you have a personal hobo! Place the dog house to within ~20 feet of the concrete slab. He'll sleep in the dog house during the night. He'll have to come out of the dog house if he wants to be fed.

Psychologically abuse the hobo. Yell at him for hours and blame him for disasters in recent memory. Throw cold water on him in the middle of the night and berate him for no reason apparent. Deprive him of sleep by having your spouse or children take shifts of poking him with a piece of re-bar every fifteen minutes. My son works the graveyard shift at Wal*Mart, so we're able to arrange a schedule. If you are sadistic enough, you may wish to poke the hobo with needles when he does not call you master.

Once you feel you have done sufficient psycological damage to your hobo, he will be your personal slave. You may then gradually lengthen the chain and allow him to do various yard work/gardening. You may even wish to take him for walks. It's important to allow the hobo to exercise or he will become weak and atrophied. Continue to use his services through the summer and early autumn. Once it becomes impractical to keep the hobo during the winter, use the ether and cloth to again, incapacitate the hobo. Transport the hobo to the trainyard and dump his sleeping body next to a hobo bonfire camp. It is important that you incapacitate him, because he will inevitably attempt to return to his master if you return him to the free world while conscious.


Midnight Trainyard Hijinx - March 14, 1996

So I paid off the security guard at the airport-side gate of the trainyard on thursday night to let me tear ass around it in my SUV. Fred has the same love-hate relationship that I do with hobos. On his midnight lunch breaks we often go down to hobo oil barrel bon fires and arrange bare knuckle brawls for a modest $30 to the winner and a tuna sandwich and can of soup to the loser. So anyways, the hobos were circled around this bon fire warming their hands and I stopped 100 feet from the encampment. I threw my car into park and revved the engine several times, pushing it up to 5000 rpm. I let my headlights shine down upon the hobo camp for a minute, threw my car into D3 and began to intimidate them. Slowly approaching and speeding up, narrowly missing them as they jumped out of the way. In the heat of the moment, I saw out my rear view mirror that a lovable happy-go-lucky tramp by the name of "Patches", the winner of last month's jackpot, seemed to have sprained his ankle and had fallen over. I threw my truck into reverse and backed over his foot. He he. He screamed in pain. I threw my car into drive and tore ass back to the gate entrance, rocketing gravel into Patches's face as my tires struggled against the friction of the ground. I think Patches may be re-locating to Philly or Richmond. hehe.


February 12, 1996

I like to go out to the trainyard on cold winter nights. I search under the rail bridges for dead vagrants, hobos and tramps and steal things of value off their dead bodies. If I find that they're merely sleeping, I hit them with a whiffle bat and run away. This one time a hobo was half frozen, so I held his nose shut until he died. Then I took his Dinty Moore franks n' beans because they are delicious with cornbread. I had purchased a delicious jalepeno and monterey jack loaf of it earlier that day.