Helpful Hint: Eradicating That Oak Taste and Scent

Ladies and Gentlemen,

It has come to my attention that many people dislike the strong oak flavour that a common Australian Chardonnay might exhibit. I decided to remedy this situation, because I understand that a good Chardonnay should not be wasted just because it might happen to have an oak-like taste to it. Indeed, certain excessively "oakey" Chardonnays do in fact become quite a bit more delectable in my own mind's eye when they undergo my new special process which I am releasing into the public domain. Removing the oak flavour will often have a surprising effect that yields previously unnoticed aromas while preserving all other flavours.

Firstly, you may wish to obtain or purchase access to a home distiller. Next you shall want to sterilise to the best of your ability, the interior of the distiller's vessel. I suggest a single dekagram of sodium bicarbonate (common baking soda) be mixed with no more than one liter of filter-purified artesian spring water and allowed to thoroughly coat the inside of the distiller's vessel. This will help to dissolve any unwanted substances which might already be in the vessel. Continue this process several times. Finally, rinse the interior of the vessel with distilled water (ironic, isn't it?) as to remove any of the residual sodium bicarbonate ions. I would suggest drying the interior of the vessel with an electric hair dryer. Repeat this process with a large laboratory beaker and flask.

Next, you will want to uncork your bottle of wine and empty it into the distiller's vessel. After you seal the lid on the distiller, activate the distiller and set the chamber temperature to 100 degrees celcius. It will quickly become apparent why this is necessary. Depending on the alcohol percentage indicated by your wine's label, distill at least 5% more in volume than is indicated into the beaker. The distilled product will contain water, ethanol and methanol. We set the chamber temperature so high in order to preserve the alcohol content of the beverage in total. True, there is a certain amount of water also contained in the distillant, but it is after all part of the original stock. Pour the distilled mixture into a capped decanter and chill. Note: Do not allow any vapour to escape the distiller once you've distilled a satisfactory amount! Allow your distiller to sufficiently cool.

Pour the remaining contents of the distiller's vessel into the large laboratory flask and apply a sterilised stopper to the mouth of the flask. At this point, you will want to employ what's known as "centrifugal force" to the flask in order to separate the remaining liquid into what I have dubbed the "flavour layers" in which comes the beauty of my method. This may be accomplished in several ways. You may choose to grip the stopped flask by the neck and spin it around as you would a child by the arms in a park. A bare minimum of twenty minutes will be necessary for this method. You may also use the merry-go-round method. This requires that you protect your flask with bubble wrap and secure the flask neck with some string, finally attaching the other end of the string to the handlebars of a children's merry-go-round, which are abundant in any major metropolis. Set the merry-go-round in motion for no less than twenty minutes. A large laboratory centrifuge is of course ideal, but will only require five minutes of operation at 200 rpm.

After having accomplished the preceding step, you will notice that the liquid has been separated into several layers. Top layer will be clear, this is water. Successive layers are as follows: grape seed extract (small volumes), "serpentine" (various fine impurities), the "oak" layer, and finally a layer of more impurities. Carefully pour the water, grape seed extract and as much of the serpentine layer as possible into the decanter as well. Do away with the oak layer as you see fit along with a safety buffer of the last impurities. The oak layer will be apparent with its distinctly transparent almond colour. Pour the remaining impurities into the decanter as well. Shake the decanter thoroughly and allow it to settle for half an hour. You're now ready to enjoy a wine which has had its oak scent and flavour greatly reduced.