Preface: This piece, A Brief Primer on Black Pepper was a hasty composition written in a zealous style that mocks several of the more popular "Introduction to Average Object X" articles that have been voted to section and front page on the popular Kuro5hin website. The first portion of this piece was literally written in 15 minutes after I perused a few websites about black pepper. The chile pepper and recipe sections were written in ten more minutes after submission to the edit queue. I never expected this piece, a pure mockery, to last more than twenty minutes of heavy voting. It was eventually posted to the front page. Vote For: 236, 132 as FP; 141 Against; 66 Abstained. Total Votes: 443

A Brief Primer on Black Pepper

Black pepper is a spice that nearly everybody in the world takes for granted. It has been a culinary staple in the eastern tropics for eons, and indeed for the last several centuries the entire civilised world. The most wealthy of Romans were known to have seasoned their exotic cuisine with liberal amounts of pepper. Black pepper can be found in almost any savory dish as has become custom of fine cookery during the Renaissance, particularly in the arts of French and Italian cooking. But what do you really know about our dear friend, the spice affectionately known as black pepper?

Well, Jack[1], what is black pepper then?!

Hoo hoo hoo, I'm glad you've asked. Black pepper is a member of the pepper family Piperaceae, and actually starts out as a little red berry! These red berries are harvested en masse and collected into batches. The batches of harvested red berries are put into boiling water for ten minutes![2] Believe it or not, the little berries turn a black colour and begin to resemble the common black peppercorn that we all adore. The peppercorns are dried and collected for sale on the world's Free Market[3]. Your average peppercorn is 0.5 centimeters[4] in diameter.

But Jack, why should I care about black pepper?

Don't be ignorant! According to statistics[5], black pepper is the most widely-produced and most common spice in the world! To not care is to be foolish and ignore completely the wonders of a world which largely depends on the prosperous principle of a globalized Free Market!

But Jack, I'm confused! You said that these "peppercorn" things are approximately 0.5 cm in diameter, why does it not resemble the small particles in my table's pepper shaker?[6] Do they use a shrinking ray[7] on the peppercorns like the popular Disney movie Honey, I Shrunk The Kids in order to convert it into the product I know?

Actually, your pepper shaker likely does not have the whole peppercorns themselves, but rather the peppercorns are ground up into a coarse powder using a machine known as a pepper mill. Pepper mills come in a variety of sizes and grind to a variety of coarseness. If you wish to obtain more information about pepper mills, visit your local culinary supplies shop.

Is there but one type of peppercorn, or is there a large variety of them, Jack? The theory of evolution pioneered by Charles Darwin in the 1800s[8] tells me that there are likely several varieties of peppercorns!

That's a very astute observation! Yes, there is a wide variety of peppercorns available on the Free Market! Pepper is cultivated all over the earth. Hot spots (pun very much intended!) of pepper production include Brazil, Indonesia, India, Burma, Malaysia, Vietnam, and even China!

Hold on a second, Jack. I've heard of white pepper before. Are you trying to pull the wool over my eyes by only acknowledging the existence of black pepper?

You are of course correct. There are varieties of white pepper. The common misconception[9] about white pepper is that it is actually a more finely-ground, husked version of the common black peppercorn. However, when peppercorns of a certain Brazilian variety are dried, they will begin to take on a distinct dark green colour. This pepper has DNA which is virtually identical to that of most black pepper, but doesn't differ at all in flavour! Also of note is the prized red Sri Lankan peppercorn[10], which also takes on a flavour which is essentially the same as common black pepper.

You say there are red peppercorns. Is this the same as cayenne pepper, Jack?

This is another intelligent question. The answer is no, these are not the same thing. Cayenne pepper as you might purchase it from the local grocery, is the ground product of dried cayenne chile peppers, which are not the same as peppercorns! Luckily cayenne does not take on a spice or flavour similar to black pepper and there will be no mistaking one from another. While cayenne will "burn" your tongue, black pepper will produce a "bite" sensation similar to that of horseradish.[11]

Okay, all this information is marvelous Jack. What can I do with it?

Well, cook something! A simple dish which captures the full essence of black pepper is seared tuna steak encrusted with cracked pepper[12] and can be prepared in less than five minutes. Obtain extra virgin olive oil, 4 tablespoons of coarsely ground black pepper, and 20 ounces (approximately 0.5 kg) of fresh tuna steak. It may be desired to shape the tuna into a rectangular block, but it is not required. Do not cut the tuna into small "fish sticks". This will ruin the rare searing effect! Coat the entire tuna steak in the cracked pepper. Put roughly two tablespoons of olive oil in a medium-high frying pan, and sear the major edges of the tuna steak. There should be a nice thin brown border around the red tuna steak. Once it has been sufficiently seared, use tongs to sear the minor edges of the steak. Slice the tuna as seen fit and eat!


Key, indicates first usage:
[1] Re-occurring theme of rhetorical questions posed to the reader "Jack", purposely idiotic.
[2] Re-occurring excessive usage of exclamation points.
[3] A free market and globalization theme used several times to irritate a target K5 demographic.
[4] A fabricated statistic. Any similarity between this and the actual figure is purely coincidental.
[5] A fabricated statistic. This is only true by accident.
[6] The first in a series of hugely rhetorical, more idiotic questions.
[7] Purposeful embellishment.
[8] Absurd embellishment.
[9] This misconception probably does not exist; it was fabricated. If it does exist, God help those poor souls holding it.
[10] The prized Sri Lankan red peppercorn is probably not prized, and may or may not exist at all. This is a fabrication.
[11] This appeals to your average kurobot. They're known for applauding articles that describe mundane details of life.
[12] Added to pander to the obese K5 demographic. Kurobots are fat fucks and love recipes.