Mary Poppins is
unsupercalifragilisticexpialidocious. –Gilbert Adair, British author and
critic
Henry James chews more than he bites off.
–Mrs. Henry Adams
Her features didn’t seem to know the value of teamwork. –George Ade, American humorist, 1866-1944
She was a town-and-country soprano of the kind often used for augmenting the grief at a funeral. –George Ade
Tradition is what you resort to when you
don’t have the time or money to do it right. –Kurt “Kit” Herbert Adler,
Austrian psychiatrist, 1870-1937
I swear, if you existed, I’d divorce you. –Edward Franklin Albee, III, American playwright, 1928-
A positive attitude may
not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth
the effort. –Herm Albright
California is a fine place to live-if
you’re an orange. –Fred Allen,
American humorist, 1894-1956
I have just returned from Boston. It’s the only thing to do if you find yourself there. –Fred Allen
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. –Fred Allen
What’s on your mind, if you’ll forgive the overstatement? –Fred Allen
Her figure described a set of parabolas that
would cause cardiac arrest in a yak. –Woody Allen, American director, 1935-
I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse. –Woody Allen
There are two major
products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don’t believe this to be a coincidence. –Jeremy S.
Anderson
(Of Yankee fans) …overdressed, uncomprehending autumn arrivstes. –Roger Angell
Speak well of your enemies, sir.
You made them. –Oren Arnold, American author, 1900-1980
There is the view that
poetry should improve your life. I
think people confuse it with the Salvation Army. –John Lawrence Ashbery,
American poet, 1927-
(Of David Lloyd George) He could not see a belt without hitting below it. –Margot Asquith, British socialite, 1864-19
She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake. –Margot Asquith
I married beneath me. All women do. –Nancy Witchner Langhorn Astor, American-born British politician, 1879-1964
The first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman. –Nancy Astor
This book is the worst
piece of fiction since fidelity was included in the French marriage vows.
–Rowan Sebastian Atkinson, British comedian, 1955-
The theatre has never been any good since
the actors became gentlemen. –Wysten Hugh Auden, English poet and playwright,
1907-1973
You have delighted us long enough.
–Jane Austen, English novelist, 1775-1817
I wish Frank Sinatra would just shut up and sing. –Lauren Bacall, American actress, 1924-
The less you speak of your own greatness,
the more I will think of it. –Francis Bacon, English philosopher and
statesman, 1561-1626
His family were the largest dandruff
manufacturers in France. -Arthur “Bugs”
Baer
The guy is so smooth he could slide on sandpaper. –??????????????
The first mistake of Art is to assume it’s serious. –Lester Bangs, American rock journalist, 1948-1982
There is less to this than meets the eye. –Tallulah Brockman Bankhead, American actress, 1903-1968
This is the kind of show to give pornography
a bad name. –Clive Alexander
Barnes
The world may be full of fourth-rate writers, but it is also full of fourth-rate readers. –Stan Barstow, British novelist and playwright, 1928-
The English may not like music but they love the noise it makes. –Thomas Beecham, British conductor, 1879-1961
To give an accurate and
exhaustive account of that time would need a far less brilliant pen than mine.
–Henry Maximilian “Max” Beerbohm, British author, 1872-1956
He was born an Englishman and remained one for years. –Brendan Francis Behan, Irish writer and nationalist, 1923-1964
(Of Oscar Levant) A character who, if he had not existed, could not be imagined. -Samuel Nathaniel Behrman, American playwright, 1893-1973
I have had just about all I can take of myself. –S. N. Behrman
Drawing on my fine command of language, I
said nothing. –Robert Charles Benchley, American humorist, 1889-1945
(Epitaph for a notoriously loose woman) She sleeps alone at
last. –Benchle
If you think squash is a competitive sport, try flower arranging. –Alan Bennett, British playwright, 1934-
It’s where they commit suicide and the king rides a bicycle-Sweden. –Bennett
So boring you fall asleep half way through her name. –Bennett
Tragic. And he came through puberty with such flying colors. –Bennett
What I like about Clive,
Is that he is no longer alive
There is a great deal to be said,
For being dead. –Edmund Clerihew Bentley, British
novelist and journalist, 1875-1956
(At a Friar’s Club Roast), Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings? –Milton Berle, American comedian and actor, 1908-2002
(On being told Herbert Morrison was his own worst enemy)
Not while I’m alive, he ain’t. –Ernest Bevin, British labor leader and politician,
1884-1951
What is a man profited,
if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? I suppose this depends
somewhat upon the size of the soul. I think there are cases where the trade
would do. –Josh Billings, aka Henry Wheeler Shaw, American humorist, 1818-1885
I have seen three emperors in their
nakedness and the sight was not inspiring. –Otto Leopold Eduard von Bismarck,
Prussian statesman and Chancellor (1871-1890), 1815-1898
…a man you had to know to dislike. –Jim Bishop
The Germans are a cruel
race. Their operas last for six
hours and they have no word for “fluffy”.
–Blackadder, British sketch comedy show
A throne is only a bench covered in velvet.
–Napoleon Bonaparte, French general and dictator, 1769-1821
(Of Alexander I) There is a piece missing, I have never been able to discover what it was. –Napoleon Bonaparte
I have no doubt that this book will fill a much needed void. –Boston book review
(Of Edith Sitwell) A high alter on the move. –Elizabeth Dorothea Cole Bowen, Irish novelist, 1899-1973
I think Mick Jagger would
be astounded and amazed if he realized how many people do not regard him as a
sex symbol. –Angie Bowie
God runs the universe by wave theory on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and the Devil runs it by quantum theory on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays. –William Bragg, British physicist and Nobel Laureate, 1862-1942
He is a self-made man and worships his creator. –John Bright, British politician and orator, 1811-1889
Some of the waiters
discuss the menu with you as if they were sharing wisdom picked up in the
Himalayas. –Seymour Britchky
Anybody that (sic) wants
the presidency so much that he will spend two years organizing and campaigning
for it is not to be trusted with the office. –David S. Broder, American
political writer
Most beautiful but dumb
girls think they are smart and get away with it because other people, on the
whole, aren’t much smarter. –Louise Brooks, American actress, 1906-1985
Appeasers believe that if
you keep on throwing steaks to a tiger, the tiger will turn vegetarian.
–Heywood Broun, American journalist and novelist, 1888-1939
His life was what the marques describe as a “continuous performance”. –John Mason Brown, American drama critic, 1900-1969
Tallulah Bankhead barged down the Nile last night as Cleopatra-and sank. –John Mason Brown
It is the glory and merit of some men to
write well and of others not to write at all. –Jean de La Bruyère, French
writer and moralist, 1645-1696
Boston’s freeway system…was clearly designed by a person who had spent his childhood crashing toy trains. –Bill Bryson, American author and journalist, 1951-
Germans are flummoxed by humor, the Swiss have no concept of fun, the Spanish think there is nothing at all ridiculous about eating dinner at midnight, and the Italians should never, ever have been let in on the invention of the motor car. -Bill Bryson
If you can imagine a man having a vasectomy without anesthetic to the sound of frantic sitar playing, you’ll have some idea of what popular Turkish music is like. –Bill Bryson
…it gives you the sensation of a coma without the worry and inconvenience. –Bill Bryson
Philosophers are capable of almost endless
enjoyment of mutual misunderstanding. –Lyman Bryson, American educator,
1888-1959
Bill Clinton's foreign policy experience is pretty much confined to having had breakfast once at the International House of Pancakes. –Patrick Joseph “Pat” Buchanan, American conservative politician, 1938-
I worship the quicksand he walks in. –Arthur “Art” Buchwald, American humorist, 1925-
…etiquette is the first
value only of the society that has no values. –William F. Buckley, Jr.,
American conservative politician and author, 1925-
France is a relatively small, eternally quarrelsome country in Western Europe, the fountainhead of rationalist political maniacs, militarily impotent, historically inglorious during the past century, democratically bankrupt, Communist infiltrated from top to bottom. –Buckley
I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence. -Buckley
Our mania for a comatose togetherness…-Buckley
The doctrine that a man is innocent until proved guilty seems to have stretched to mean that the apprehending officials are guilty unless proved innocent. –Buckley
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. –George Burns, American comedian and actor, 1896-1996
They defend their errors as if they were
defending their inheritance. –Edmund Burke, Irish philosopher and statesman,
1729-1797
…liberals…invoke the
name of Freedom the way a drill sergeant invokes his favorite obscenity.
–James Burnham, British anti-communist, 1905-1987
She is a fascinating woman, and he is very
fond of fascinating with her. –Samuel Butler, English author, 1835-1902
Scotland: A land of meanness, sophistry and lust. –George
Gordon Noel Byron, English poet, 1788-1824
…is always skating on thin ice. Everyone wants to be there when it breaks. –Mrs. Patrick Campbell (born Beatrice Stella Tanner), British actress, 1865-1940
England produces the best fat actors.
–Jimmy Cannon
If Jesus Christ were to
come today, people would not even crucify him.
They would ask him to diner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun of
it. –Thomas Carlyle, Scottish essayist and historian, 1795-1881
Send your noble blood to the market and see what it will bring. –Thomas Carlyle (also attributed to Thomas Fuller)
(Of Algernon Charles Swinburne) Sitting in a sewer and adding to it. -Thomas Carlyle
The devil has his elect. –Thomas Carlyle
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just occurred. –John William “Johnny” Carson, American comedian and television host, 1925-
You cannot criticize the New Testament.
It criticizes you. –John Jay Chapman, American author, 1862-1933
A woman will lie about anything,
just to stay in practice. – Raymond Thornton Chandler, American author,
1888-1959
She was the kind of girl who’d eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but peanuts and filberts. -Chandler
Man as an individual is a
genius. But men in the mass form
the Headless Monster, a great, brutish idiot that (sic) goes where prodded.
–Charles Spencer “Charlie” Chaplin, British comic actor, 1889-1977
(Actress): I enjoyed reading your book?
Who wrote it for you?
Ilka Chase: I’m so glad you enjoyed it.
Who read it to you? -American actress and author, 1905-1978
The human race, to which many of my readers
belong… -Gilbert Keith Chesterton, English writer, 1874-1936
(Calling on Beaverbrook, the butler informed him he was out
walking)
On the lake, I presume.
–Randolph Herbert Spencer Churchill, British politician, leader of the
Fourth Party, 1849-1895
(Of Ramsey MacDonald) He
is the greatest living master of falling without hurting himself. –Winston
Leonard Spencer Churchill, British Prime Minister (1940-1945, 1951-1955) and
author, 1874-1964
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. –Churchill
He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened. –Churchill
If Hitler invaded Hell, I would at least make a favorable reference in passing to the devil in the House of Commons. –Churchill
If you put two economists in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is Keynes, in which case you get three opinions. –Churchill
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
–Nancy Astor
Madam, if I were your husband I would drink it.
–Churchill
Mr. Attlee is a very modest man. But then he has much to be modest about. –Churchill
(Of an ex-conservative proposing to stand as a liberal), The only recorded instance in history of a rat swimming toward a sinking ship. –Churchill
There but for the grace of God, goes God. –Churchill
Alexander Smith: You sir, speak for the present generation,
but I speak for posterity.
Henry Clay: Yes, and you seem resolved to speak until your
audience arrives. –“The Great Compromiser”, American politician, 1777-1852
God Almighty was satisfied with 10 Commandments; Mr. Wilson required 14 Points. –Georges Clemenceau, French politician and Premiere (1906-1909, 1917-1920), 1841-1929
He hasn’t been himself lately; let’s hope he stays that way. –Irwin Shrewsbury Cobb, American humorist, 1876-1944
I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial. –Irwin S. Cobb
If it had to choose who is to be crucified,
the crowd will always save Barabbas. –Jean Cocteau, French surrealist,
1889-1963
It’s not a bad idea to
get in the habit of writing down one’s thoughts.
It saves one having to bother anyone with them. –Isabel Colgate
Will you call me, Noel?
I certainly will-many
things. –Noel Pierce Coward, British actor, playwright, and composer,
1899-1973
(on hearing his accountant has shot himself in the head) I’m amazed he was such a good shot. –Noel Coward
Mary Baker Eddy had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache. –Noel Cowar
She took her curtain calls as if she had just been un-nailed from the cross. –Noel Coward
(Of Warren G. Harding), The only man, woman, or child who wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead. –e.e. cummings, American writer, 1984-1962
I don’t want to be a Republican.
I just want to live like one. –Eugene Cuni
(Of Robert Peel’s smile), Like the silver plate on a coffin -John Philpot Curran, Irish lawyer and politician, 1750-1870
I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word “fair” in connection with income tax policies. –Richard Curtis, British screenwriter, 1956- and Ben Elton, British author and performer, 1959-
To you, Baldrick, the Renaissance was just something that happened to other people, wasn’t it? -Richard Curtis and Ben Elton
Sometimes when reading Göethe,
I have this paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny. –Guy Davenport
I see Canada as a country
torn between a very northern, rather extraordinary, mystical spirit which it
fears and its desire to present itself to the world as a Scotch Banker.
–Robertson Davies, Canadian novelist and journalist, 1913-1995
She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people. –Robertson Davies
If any play has been produced only twice in three hundred years, there must be a reason for it. –Rupert Hart Davis
Any story that begins
with a cancerous giraffe stamping on the genitals of its keeper must surely be
marked high for cliché avoidance. –Russell
Davies
(Of Theda Bara), She was divinely, hysterically, insanely malevolent. -Bette Davis, American actress, 1908-1989
We cannot put the face of
a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased. My suggestion therefore is that you drop dead.
-James Edward Day, American Postmaster General (1961-1963), 1914-1996
He’d make a lovely corpse. –Charles John Huffam Dickens (“Boz”), British writer, 1812-1870
I have often seen an actor laugh off stage, but I have never seen one weep. –Denis Diderot, French philosopher and writer, 1713-1784
The relationship between
an actor and a make-up artist is that of accomplices in crime. -Marlene
Dietrich, German-born American actress and singer, 1901-1992
Well, if Mr. Gladstone
fell in to the Thames it would be a misfortune, but if someone pulled him out it
would be a calamity. –Benjamin
“Dizzy” Disraeli, British Prime Minister (1864, 1874-1880) and author,
1804-1881
One stinking altar to Publicity. –Lee
Wilson Dodd, American author, 1879-1933
I’ve always said there’s a place for the
press, but they haven’t dug it yet. –Tommy Doherty
Life is a goddamned stinking treacherous game, and nine hundred ninety-nine men out of a thousand are bastards. –Theodore Dreiser, American writer and editor, 1871-1945
You might very well think that I couldn’t
possibly comment… –Michael
Dubbs
He was about as useful in a crisis as a
sheep. –Dorothy Eden
No one has a golf swing
like Eamon D’Arcy since Quasimodo gave up golf to concentrate on bell ringing.
–Bill Elliot
He was like a cock who thought the sun had
risen to hear him crow. –George Eliot (born Marian Evans), British novelist
1819-1880
Fame is proof that people are gullible.
–Ralph Waldo Emerson, American essayist, poet, and philosopher, 1803-1882
The louder he talked of his honor, the faster we counted our spoons. –Epicetus, Greek Stoic philosopher, c. 55 – c. 135
A petition is a list of peope who don’t
have the courage to say no. –Evan Esar
…so one-sided I was surprised to find it written on both sides of the paper. –Evershed
Gertrude (Stein) has always done justice to Gertrude, but this books sets a high-water mark in the delicate art of self-appreciation. –Clifton Paul Fadiman, American writer and editor, 1904-1999
Eamon D’Arcy has a golf swing like an
octopus falling out of a tree. -David Feherty
He would look well standing under a descending pile driver. –Eugene Field, American writer, 1850-1895
The actor who took the role of King Lear played the king as though he expected someone to play the ace. –Eugene Field
I’m free of prejudice. I hate all people equally. – W.C. Fields, American entertainer, 1879-1946
Don’t play dumb, you’re not as good at it as I am. –Col. Flagg, (M*A*S*H)
Australians are living proof that Aborigines screw kangaroos. –John Freema
As humorless a lump of dough as ever held a torchlight vigil outside the South African embassy or stuck an AIDS awareness pin on an unwilling first-nighter. –Stephen Fry, British comic actor and author, 1957-
He brought to every one of his roles the quality of needing the money. –Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the
back, and, instead of bleeding, he sings. –Ed
Gardner
Belgium is a country invented by the English to annoy the French. –Charles André Joseph Marie de Gaulle, French general and President (1959-1969), 1890-1970
When I am right, I get angry. Churchill gets angry when he is wrong. So we were very often angry at each other. –Charles de Gaulle
He is the only diplomat in history who can
strut sitting down. –Hugh Simon Gibson, American diplomat and ambassador,
1883-1954
He did nothing in particular, and did it
very well. – William Schwenck Gilbert, English dramatist and poet, 1836-1911
Hollywood-an emotional Detroit. –Lillian Diana Gish, American actress, 1893-1993
Mathematicians are like
Frenchmen. Whatever you say to them
they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely
different. –Wolfgang Johann von Göethe, German poet, playwright, and
scientist, 1749-1832
(Of a social climber notorious for falling off his horse), Acquired concussion won’t open the doors of country houses. The better classes are born concussed. –Oliver St. John Gogarty, Irish physician, senator, and author, 1878-1957
(Of Eammon de Valera), The laugh in mourning. –Oliver St. John Gogarty
He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously. –Oliver Goldsmith, Irish author, poet, and playwright, 1728-1774
There is nothing so absurd or ridiculous that it has not at one time been said by some philosopher. –Oliver Goldsmith
Never let the bastard back into my room, unless I need him again. –Samuel Goldwyn, Polish-born American producer, 1882-1974
This film wasn’t released. It escaped. –Goldwyn
You can’t judge Hollywood by superficial impressions. After you get past the artificial tinsel you get down to the real tinsel. –Goldwyn (also attributed to Kenneth Keating)
(Of a fellow Oxford Don), What time he can spare from the adornment of himself he devotes to the neglect of his duty. –Alan Gregg
The world is always upside-down to a baccalaureate speaker…Things have got to be wrong in order that they may be deplored. –Alfred Whitney Griswold, American educator and political scientist, 1906-1963
It’s easy to identify
people who can’t count to ten. They’re
in front of you in the supermarket express lane. –M. Grundler
Thank you for sending me your book.
I’ll waste no time in reading it. -Moses Hadas
He must have had a
magnificent career before his stomach went in for a career of its own. -Margaret
Hakey
His handshake ought not to be used except as a tourniquet. –Margaret Halsey, American author, 1910-
I have knocked everything but the knees of the chorus girls, and nature has anticipated me there. –Percy Hammond
An Englishman’s real ambition is to get a railway
compartment to himself. –Ian Hayes
There are names written on her immortal scroll at which fame blushes. –William Hazlitt, English essayist, 1778-1830
Those who are fond of setting things to rights have no great objection to setting them wrong. –Hazlitt
Being attacked by him is like being savaged
by a dead sheep. –Dennis Healy
If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already? -Cynthia Heimel
Ordinarily he is insane, but he has lucid
moments when he is only stupid. –Heinrich Heine, German poet and journalist,
1797-1856
The Romans would never have had time to conquer the world if they had been obliged to learn Latin first. –Heinrich Heine
The most ridiculous concept ever perpetrated by Homo
Sapiens is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of the Universe,
wants the saccharine adoration of his creation, that he can be persuaded by
their prayers, and becomes petulant if he does not receive this flattery.
Yet this ridiculous notion without one shred of evidence to bolster it,
has gone on to found one of the oldest, largest, and least productive industries
in history. –Robert Anson McDonald Heinlen, American writer, 1907-1988
If you give your audience a chance, they will do half your acting for you.
–Katherine Houghton Hepburn, American actress, 1909-
I heard someone tried the
monkeys-typewriters bit trying for the plays of William Shakespeare, but all
they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon. –Bill Hirst
I deny I ever said that actors are cattle. What I said was, “actors should be treated like cattle.” –Alfred Hitchcock, British director, 1899-1980
These are bagpipes. I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made sound never equaled the purity of sound achieved by the pig. –Hitchcock
(After “accepting”
Neville Chamberlin’s 1938 Peace Initiative at Munich) He seemed such a nice
old gentleman, I thought I would give him my autograph as a souvenir. –Adolf
Hitler, Austrian-born German dictator, 1889-1945
We have rudiments of reverence for the human body, but we consider as nothing the rape of the human mind. –Eric Hoffer, American philosopher, 1903-1982
(Of a friend well-known for his interest in corpses) If Mr. Selwyn calls again, show him up: If I am alive I shall be delighted to see him and if I am dead he would like to see me. –Henry Richard Fox Holland, English writer, 16th century
…if my fellow citizens want to go to Hell I will help them. It’s my job. –Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr., American Supreme Court justice (1902-1932), 1841-1935
He was too bad to be true. –Michael Holroyd
At one time I thought he wanted to be an actor. He had certain qualifications including no money and a total lack of responsibility. –Hedda Hopper, American actress and gossip columnist, 1890-1966
Some people pay a compliment as if they expect a receipt. –Frank McKinney “Kin” Hubbard, American humorist and journalist, 1868-1930
Her face was her chaperone. –Rupert Hughes
God was bored by him. –Victor Marie Hugo, French poet, novelist, and playwright, 1802-1885
There is a country in Europe where multiple choice tests are illegal. –Sigfried Hulzer
Chastity: the most unnatural of the sexual perversions. –Aldous Leonard Huxley, English author, poet, and critic, 1894-1963
He has the luck to be
unhampered by either character or conviction…so that Liberalism is the easiest
thing in the world for him. –Henrik Johan Ibsen, Norwegian dramatist,
1828-1906
…like a Goth swaggering around Rome wearing an Onyx toilet seat for a collar. –Clive James, Australian writer and critic, 1939-
Vilely set on what must have been a hand press once dropped, with unnecessary violence, to partisans in Yugoslavia. –Clive James
Dear Editor, you have asked me to cut three lines from five thousand word article. I have performed the necessary butchery. Here is the bleeding corpse. –Henry James, American writer and critic, 1843-1916
English manners are more frightening than
none at all. –Randall Jarrell,
American poet, 1914-1995
Gertrude was never polite to anything but material: when she patted someone on the hand you could be sure that the head was about to appear, smoked, in her next novel. –Randall Jarrell
(Of John Adams), Disinterested is the being who made him. –Thomas Jefferson, American Revolutionary leader and 3rd president (1801-1809), 1743-1826
I think that’s how
Chicago got started. A bunch of
people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but
it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s
go west.” –Richard Jeni
The ugliest of trades
have their moments of enjoyment. If
I were a gravedigger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for
with a great deal of amusement. –Douglas William Jerold, English playwright
and humorist, 1803-1857
I do not wish to speak ill of any man behind
his back, but I believe that man is a lawyer. –Samuel “Dr.” Johnson,
English author and lexicographer, 1709-1784
(Of G. B. Shaw) A freakish homunculus germinated outside lawful procreation. –Henry Arthur Jones, English dramatist, 1851-1929
(To her husband) Why
don’t you write books people can read? –Nora Joyce, nee Nora barnacle, wife
of James Joyce
Her only flair is in her nostrils. –Pauline Kael, American movie critic, 1919-2001
From such crooked wood as man is made of,
nothing straight can be fashioned. –Immanual Kant, German philosopher,
1724-1804
(On Germany strategy, having invaded Russia)
I think from now on, they’re shooting without a script.
–George Simon Kaufman, American playwright, 1889-1961
I understand your new play is full of single entendre. –Kaufman
(Of a play) I was underwhelmed. –Kaufman
Massey won’t be satisfied until he’s assassinated. –Kaufman
What are you doing for dinner tonight?
Digesting it. –Kaufman
You’ve heard of people living in a fool’s paradise? Well, Leonora has a duplex there. –Kaufman
You can’t judge
Hollywood by superficial impressions. After
you get past the artificial tinsel you get down to the real tinsel. –Kenneth
Barnard Keating, American conservative politician and diplomat, 1906-1975 (also
attributed to Samuel Goldwyn)
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. –Paul John Keating, Australian Prime Minister (1991-1996), 1944-
College isn’t the place to go for ideas. –Helen Adams Keller, American author and lecturer, 1880-1968
Mister Robinson is suffering from delusions of adequacy. –Walter Kerr
(Of Molly Ivins) She bellies up to the gourmet cracker-barrel and delivers laid-back wisdom with the serenity of a down-home Buddha who has discovered that stool softeners really work. -Florence King, American author, 1936-
That peculiar…system
whereby God never communicated direct with his chosen people but preferred to
give the Israelites an off the record briefing. –Miles Kingston
The most serious charge that can be brought against New England is not Puritanism but February. –Joseph Wood Krutch, American critic, naturalist, and writer, 1893-1970
Thanks to the interstate
highway system it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing
anything. –Charles Bishop Kuralt, American broadcast journalist, 1934-1997
.
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.
–Charles Lamb, English essayist and critic, 1755-1834
Eccentricity, to be
socially acceptable, has still to have at least four or five generations of
inbreeding behind it. -Osbert
Lancaster
A bore is a man who
spends so much time talking about himself that you can’t talk about yourself.
–Melville D. Landon
I’m still waiting for some college to come up with a march protesting student ignorance. –Paul Larmer
Heredity is a splendid phenomenon that relieves us of the responsibility for our shortcomings. –Doug Larson
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks. –Doug Larson
The reminiscences of Mr. Humphrey Ward…convinced me that autobiography is a sin. –Harold Laski, English political scientist, 1893-1950
The only interesting part of skiing is seeing someone crash. Violently. –Denis Leary, American comedian
Generally speaking, it is inhumane to detain a fleeting insight. –Fran Lebowitz, American journalist, 1951-
Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication. –Fran Lebowitz
She is descended from a long line her mother listened to. –Gypsy Rose Lee, American burlesque entertainer and author, 1914-1970
Sharp as a sack full of wet mice –Foghorn Leghorn (Warner Brothers)
Chicago is a city where men are men and the police take VISA. –Hugh Carey Leonard, American liberal politician, 1919-
There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure. –Jack E. Leonard
I think a lot of Leonard Bernstein – but not as much as he does. –Oscar
Levant
Underneath this flabby exterior is an extraordinary lack of character. –Oscar Levant
Your criticism hurt me so much I cried all the way to the bank. –Wladziv Valentino Liberace, American entertainer, 1919-1987
Some people think that whatever is done solemnly must make sense. –Georg Christoph Lichtenberg, German physicist and philosopher, 1742-1799
There are incompetent enthusiasts, and they are a mighty dangerous lot. –G.C. Lichtenberg
If this is coffee, please bring me some tea.
If this is tea, please bring me some coffee. –Abraham Lincoln, 16th
US president (1861-1865), 1809-1865
In England it is very dangerous to have a sense of humor. –E. V. Lucas, British journalist and essayist, 1868-1938
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. –Russell Lynes, American editor and critic, 1910-
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure. –Ross MacDonald
Forever poised between a cliché and an indiscretion. –Harold Macmillian, British Prime Minster (1957-1963), 1894-1986
Cricket-a game which the English, not being a spiritual people, have invented to give them some concept of eternity. –Mancroft
From the moment I picked
up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter.
Some day I intend reading it. –Groucho
Marx (born Julius Marx), American comic actor, 1895-1976
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it. –Groucho Marx
I never forget a face but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception. –Groucho Marx
Lulubelle, it’s you! I didn’t recognize you standing up. –Groucho Marx
Writing to you is like corresponding with an aching void. –Groucho Marx
You know I could rent you out as a decoy to duck hunters? –Groucho Marx
(Of Alexander Woollcott), He looked like something that had gotten loose from Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. -Harpo Marx (born Arthur Marx), American comic actor, 1893-1964
Britain is the only country in the world where the food is more dangerous than the sex. -Jackie Mason, American comic, 1931-
“Be yourself!” is about the worst advice
you can give some people. –Tom Masson
She plunged into a sea of
platitudes and with the powerful breaststroke of a channel swimmer made her
confident way toward the white cliffs of the obvious. –William Somerset Maugham, British author, 1876-1966
Nothing spoils a good party like a genius. –Elsa Maxwell, American gossip columnist and professional hostess, 1883-1963
Don’t be humble. You’re not that great. –Golda Meir, Russian-born Israeli Prime Minister (1969-1974), 1898-1978
A formula for answering controversial letters without even reading the letters:
Dear Sir (or Madam):
You may be right.
-Henry Louis Mencken, American satirist, journalist, and essayist, 1880-1956
All Shakespeare did was string together a lot of old well-known quotations. –H.L. Mencken
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. –H.L. Mencken
Opera in English is, in the main, about as sensible as baseball in Italian. –H.L. Mencken
The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no apparent purpose, for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. –H.L. Mencken
What men value in this world is not rights but privileges. –H.L. Mencken
Realizing that they will never be a world power, the Cypriots have settled for being a world nuisance. –George Mikes, Hungarian-born British humorist, 1912-
Unspeakable, like a hedgehog all in primroses. –Nancy Mitford, British author, 1904-1973
When I was in Venice, I thought that perhaps masked naked men, orgies, and unlimited spying are an accompaniment of maritime powers in decline. –Nancy Mitford
Failure has gone to his head. –Wilson
Mizner, American dramatist and humorist, 1876-1973
I’ve spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are out in the audience. –Wilson Mizner
The critic is the one who surprises the author by informing him of what he meant. –Wilson Mizner
This type of thing may be tolerated by the French, but we are British, thank God. –Bernard Montgomery, British soldier and statesman, 1887-1976
(On the overall essence of acting) Left eyebrow raised. Right eyebrow raised. –Roger Moore, British actor, 1928-
People don’t change. Only their costumes do. –Gene Moorse
(Of the Russian Constitution) Absolutism tempered by assassination. –Ernst F. Munster
God created alcohol just to keep the Irish from ruling the world. –James Patrick “Jim” Murray, American sportswriter, 1919-1998
Sufficiently advanced political correctness is indistinguishable from sarcasm. –Eric Naggum
A theme for a great poet would be God’s boredom on the seventh day of creation. –Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, German philosopher, 1844-1900
Books for general reading always smell badly.
The odor of the common people hang about them. –Nietzsche, Beyond
Good and Evil
He who lives by fighting with an enemy has an interest in the preservation of the enemies’ life. –Nietzsche
Plato was a bore. –Nietzsche
The last Christian died on the cross. –Nietzsche
To forget one’s purpose is the commonest form of stupidity. –Nietzsche
Two great European narcotics: alcohol and Christianity.
–Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols,
Things the Germans Lack
(Of Yoko Ono) Her voice sounded like an eagle being goosed. -Ralph Novak
(Ein Gott-betrunker Mensch.)
(Of Spinoza) A God-intoxicated man. –Novalis (born
Freidrich Leopold, Freiherr von Hardenberg), German poet, 1772-1801
If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see it with representation. –Old Farmers Almanac
I am returning this otherwise perfectly good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and written your name at the top. –Ohio State English professor
(Of W.H. Auden’s term, “necessary murder”) Mr. Auden’s brand of amoralism is only possible if you are the kind of person who is always somewhere else when the trigger is pulled. –George Orwell, British author, 1903-1950
We should be eternally grateful to the person who invented the idiot box on the envelope that tells the person where to place the stamp when they can’t quite figure it out. –Karen O’Byrne
The world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. –Sean O’Casey, Irish dramatist, 1880-1964
I am a sociologist.
God help me. –John O’Neil
Drugs have taught an entire generation of English students the metric system. –Patrick Jake O’Rourke, American humorist and journalist, 1947-
Liberals have invented whole college majors-psychology, sociology, women’s studies-to prove that nothing is anybody’s fault. –P.J. O’Rourke
People shouldn’t be treated like objects. They aren’t that valuable. –P.J. O’Rourke
Seriousness is stupidity sent to college. –P.J. O’Rourke
The English are a race of cold-blooded queers with nasty complexions and terrible teeth who once conquered half the world but still haven’t figured out central heating. They warm their beers and chill their bathes and boil all their food including bread. –P.J. O’Rourk
The French are sawed-off sissies who eat snails and slugs and cheese that smells like people's feet. Utter cowards who force their own children to drink wine, they gibber like baboons even when you try to speak to them in their own wimpy language. -P.J. O'Rourke
The Greeks: dirty and impoverished descendents of a bunch of la-de-da fruit salads who invented democracy and then forgot how to use it while walking around dressed up like girls. –P.J. O’Rourke
The Mid-eastern states aren’t nations. They’re quarrels with borders. –P.J. O’Rourke
Never got to bed with anyone whose emotional problems are greater than your own. –Leroy Robert “Satchel” Paige, American Hall of Fame baseball player, 1906-1982
(Of Richard Wagner) Wagner was a monster. He was anti-Semitic on Mondays and vegetarian on Tuesdays. On Wednesday he was in favor of annexing Newfoundland, Thursday he wanted to sink Venice, and Friday he wanted to blow up the pope. -Tony Palmer
“Ah”, I say to myself, for I love a responsive audience, “so it’s one of those plays”. –Dorothy Rothschild Parker, American humorist, 1893-1967
Excuse my dust. –Dorothy
Parker’s epitaph, also quoted as “Pardon my dust”
He lies below, correct in cypress wood
And entertains the every best worms.
–Parker
This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly.
It should be thrown with great force.
-Parker
I can’t believe that out of one hundred thousand sperm, you were the fastest. –Stephen Pearl Andrews, American lawyer and abolitionist, 1812-1886
God, whom you doubtless remember as that quaint old subordinate of General Douglas MacArthur. –Sidney Joseph Perlman, American humorist, 1904-1979
Egypt: Where the Israelites would still be
if Moses had been a bureaucrat. –Laurence Johnson Peter, Canadian writer and
management theorist, 1919-1990
The Egyptian pyramids are a monument to simple persistence and are credited with being the largest things in the world ever built for the wrong reasons. –Laurence J. Peter
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies? –Charles Pierce
It’s a mans’ world and you men can have it. –Katherine Anne Maria Veronica Calista Russel Porter, American writer, 1890-1980
He has a god in him, though I don’t know which god. –Ezra Loomis Pound, American poet and critic, 1885-1972
The devil himself had
probably redesigned Hell in the light of information he had gained from
observing airport layouts -Anthony Price
I don’t want to read about some of the actresses who are around today. They sound like my niece in Scarsdale. I love my niece in Scarsdale, but I won’t buy tickets to see her act. –Vincent Price, American actor, 1911-1994
(Of Edward Livingston) He shines and stinks like rotten mackerel by moonlight. –John Randolph (“Randolph of Roanoke”), American politician and orator, 1773-1833
(Of Martin Van Buren) He rowed to his object with muffled oars. –John Randolph
(of George Bush) He can’t help it-he was born with a silver foot in his mouth. –Ann Richards, American liberal politician, 1933-
The students would be much better off if
they could take a stand against taking a stand. –David Riesman, Jr., American
sociologist, 1909-
Boy George is just what England needs, another queen who can’t dress. –Joan Rivers, American comedienne, 1935-
(Of Yoko Ono) If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog. -Joan Rivers
New York is the Land of
Genetic Close Calls. There are a
lot of people who missed being another species by one chromosome.
Look, that guy could have been a badger. –Kevin Rooney
Are you laboring under the impression that I read these memoranda of yours? I can’t even lift them. –Franklin Delano Roosevelt, 33rd US president (1933-1945), 1882-1945
Dealing with the State Department is like watching an elephant become pregnant. –FDR
I find it difficult to take much interest in a man whose father was a dragon. –Dante Gabriel Rossetti, British poet and painter, 1828-1882
He has all the courage and resolution of a
Fig Newton. –Calvin Leo Rosten, Polish-born American author and political
scientist, 198-1997
Very interesting…but stupid. –Rowan and Martin’s Laugh In, American sketch comedy show, 1968-1973
No self-respecting fish
would be wrapped in a Murdoch newspaper. –Mike
Royko, American journalist and author, 1932-1997
They are the weakest-minded and
hardest-hearted men who most love change. –John Ruskin, English author, art
critic, and reformer, 1819-1900
Conventional people are
roused to frenzy by departure from convention, largely because they regard such
departure as criticism of themselves. –Bertrand Arthur William Russell,
British mathematician and philosopher, 1872-1970
Is there anyone I haven’t offended yet?
–Morton Lyon “Mort” Sahl, Canadian-born American comedian, 1927-
The people of Crete unfortunately make more history than they can consume locally. –Andrei Dmitrievich Sakharov, Russian physicist and dissident, 1921-1989
(Of Emerson) Waldo is one
of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
–Saki, aka H.R. Munro, Scottish author, 1870-1916
The only reason I might go to his funeral is to make absolutely sure he’s dead. –Anthony Sampson, British journalist and author, 1926-
You’re a good example of why some animals
eat their young. –Jim Samuels
If economists were doctors, they would today be mired in malpractice lawsuits. –John Ralston Saul, British historian and novelist
The harpsichord is a performance on a birdcage with a tuning fork. –Percy A. Schales
Television? The word is half Greek, half Latin. No good can come of it. –C.P. Scott, British author and journalist, 1846-1932
Byrant Gumbel’s ago has applied for
statehood. If accepted, it will be
the fifth largest. –Willard Herman Scott, American television personality and
weather reporter, 1934-
Freud, of course, was
wrong when he claimed that women suffer from penis envy-it is the men who do.
–Sabrina Sedgewick
The Roman Conquest was, however, a good thing, since the Britons were only natives at the time. –W.C. Seller and R.J. Yeatman
We look forward keenly to the appearance of their last book. –W.C. Sellar and R.J. Yeatman
You won’t be surprised that diseases are innumerable-count the cooks. –Lucius Annaeus Seneca, Roman writer, philosopher, and statesman, c. 5 BC - c. AD 65
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end. –Jerry Seinfeld, American comedian, 1954-
We really like dowdiness in England. It’s absolutely incurable in us, I believe. –Peter Shaffer, British playwright, 1926-
The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers. –William Shakespeare, English poet and playwright, 1564-1616
Tommy Smith could start a riot is a
graveyard. –Bill Sharkely
Alcohol…enables
Parliament to do things at eleven at night that no same person would do at
eleven in the morning. –George Bernard Shaw, Irish playwright and critic,
1856-1950
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion. –G.B. Shaw
I hate the whole human race. –G.B. Shaw
The French don’t care what they do, so long as they pronounce it correctly. –G. B. Shaw
The world is populated in the main by people who should not exist. –G.B. Shaw
Why should we take advice on sex from the pope? If he knows anything about it, he shouldn’t. –G.B. Shaw
If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell. –P.H. Sheridan, American Union general, 1831-1888
Baptists are only funny underwater. –Neil Simon, American comic playwright, 1927-
Gee, what a terrific party. Later on we’ll get some fluid and embalm each other. –Simon.
I wish the government would put a tax on pianos for the incompetent. –Edith Sitwell, British poet, 1887-1964
It is the wretchedness of being rich that
you have to live with very rich people. –Logan
Pearsall Smith, American essayist and aphorist, 1865-1946
Thank Heaven the sun has gone in and I don’t have to go out and enjoy it. –Logan Pearsall Smith
Deserves to be preached to death by wild curates. –Sydney Smith, English religious leader and writer, 1771-1845
He is a typical Englishman, always dull and usually violet. –Sydney Smith
The observances of the church concerning feasts and fasts are tolerably well kept, since the rich keep the feasts and the poor the fasts. –Sydney Smit
What a pity it is that we have no amusements in England but vice and religion. –Sydney Smith
(Of Thomas Macaulay) He has occasional flashes of silence that make his conversation perfectly delightful. Sydney Smith
I am just going to St. Paul’s to pray for you, but with no very likely hope of success. –Sydney Smith
I heard him speak disrespectfully of the equator. –Sydney Smith
I must believe in the Apostolic Succession, there being no other way of accounting for the descent of the Bishop of Exeter from Judas Iscariot. –Sydney Smith
Science is his forte, and omniscience his foible. –Sydney Smith
What you don’t know would make a great book. –Sydney Smith
I know why the sun never
sets on the British empire-God would never trust an Englishman in the dark.
–Duncan Spaeth
You’ve heard of
the three ages of man-youth, age, and “You are looking wonderful”.
–Francis Joseph Spellman, American prelate, 1889-1967
In America, any boy may
become President, and I suppose it’s one of the risks he takes.
–Adlai Ewing Stevenson, American liberal politician, 1900-1965
He’s gone to Heaven, no doubt, but he won’t like God. –Robert Louis Balfour Stevenson, English poet, essayist, and novelist, 1850-1894
He is an animal lover…people he don’t
like so much. –Thomas Straussler “Tom” Stoppard, British comic playwright,
1937-
If you were handed power on a plate, you’d be left fighting over the plate. –Tom Stoppard
All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year. Gloria Swanson, American actress, 1899-1983
Fine words! I wonder where you stole them. –Jonathan Swift, Irish
satirist, 1667-1745
She looks as if butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. –Swift
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on her with a pitchfork. –Swift
I’m all in favor of the democratic principle that one idiot is as good as one genius, but I draw the line when someone takes the next step and concludes that two idiots are better than one genius. –Leo Szilard, Hungarian-born American physicist and biologist, 1898-1964
In order to avoid being called a flirt, she
always yielded easily. –Charles Talleyrand-Perigord, French statesman,
1754-1838
She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again. –Charles Talleyrand
The nicest thing about standards is that
there are so many of them to choose from. –Andres S. Tannenbaum
Some of my best leading men have been dogs and horses. –Elizabeth Taylor, British-born American actress, 1932-
Personally, I have always looked upon cricket as organized loafing. –William Temple, English politician and writer, 1628-1699
(Of Wales) The land of my fathers. My fathers can have it. –Dylan Marlais Thomas, Welsh poet, 1914-1953
They don't hardly make 'em like him any more - but just to be on the safe side, he should be castrated anyway. -Hunter S. Thompson, American journalist, 1939-
It’s naïve domestic
Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you’ll be amused by its
presumption. –James Grover
Thurber, American writer and cartoonist, 1894-1961
He was as great as a man can be without morality. –Alexis Charles Henri Clerel de Tocqueville, French politician, historian, and traveler, 1805-1859
He never chooses an opinion. He just wears what happens to be in style. –Leo Nikolayevich Tolstoy, Rusian writer and philosopher, 1828-1910
Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. –Tolstoy
If love is the answer, could you rephrase
the question? -Lily Tomlin,
American comedienne, 1939-
If truth is beauty, how come no one ever has their hair done in a library? –Tomlin
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. –Tomlin
His face shining like Moses, his teeth like the 10 Commandments, all broken. –Herbert Draper Beerbohm Tree, British actor and theatrical producer, 1853-1917
A solemn sanctimonious
old iceberg that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
–Mark Twain, American novelist and humorist, 1835-1910
Golf is a good walk wasted. –Twain
I admire him. I freely confess it. And when the time comes, I will buy a piece of the rope for a keepsake. –Twain
I am glad the old masters are all dead, and I only wish they had died sooner. –Twain
I refused to attend the funeral, but I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it. –Twain
It was that sort of house where they have six Bibles and no corkscrew. –Twai
Mankind in general occupies the region between the angels and the French. –Twain
(Of Henry James) Once you’ve put one of his books down, you simply can’t pick it up again. –Twain
When I reflect on the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life. –Twain
The original Greek is of great use in
elucidating Browning’s translation of Agamemnon. –Robert Tyrell
I can never forgive god for having created the French. –Peter Alexander Ustinov, British actor, writer, and director, 1921-
When a government project
is described as “imaginative” you know it is going to be almost as expensive
as those that are called “bold”. –Bill Vaughan
A triumph of the embalmer’s art.
–Gore Vidal, American novelist and critic, 1925-
God save me from my
friends, I can protect myself from my enemies. –Marshal de Villars
(alternately attributed to Voltaire)
God save me from my
friends, I can protect myself from my enemies. – François Marie Arouet
Voltaire, French writer and philosopher, 1694-1778 (alternately attributed to
Villars)
In all my life I have prayed one prayer. “Oh, Lord, make my enemies ridiculous”. And God granted it. -Voltaire
In England it is considered good to kill an admiral from time to time, to encourage the others. –Voltaire
(To Rousseau) Your arguments against reasoning are so persuasive that one is almost tempted to get down on all fours. –Voltaire
W
One cannot imagine Mr.
Jenkins sending a task force anywhere except to a good restaurant.
–Alan Watkins
Talking with you is sort of the conversational equivalent of an out of body experience. –Bill Watterston (Calvin and Hobbes), American cartoonist, 1958-
Hating soccer is more American than apple
pie. –Tom Weir
In Italy for 30 years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed-they produced Michaelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, five hundred years of democracy and peace and what did they produce…? The cuckoo clock. –Orson Welles, American filmmaker and director, 1915-1985
(Of his generals) I don’t know what effect these men will have on the enemy, but, my God, they terrify me. –Arthur Wellesley Wellington (“The Iron Duke”), British military leader and politician, 1769-1852
His mother should have thrown him away and
kept the stock. –Mae West, American actress, 1892-1980
I never loved another person the way I loved myself. –Mae West
She’s the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success-wrong by wrong. –Mae West
He is every other inch a gentleman.
–Rebecca West, British author, 1892-1983
An unalterable and unquestioned law of the musical world required that the German text of French operas sung by Swedish artists should be translated into Italian for the clearer understanding of English speaking audiences. –Edith Wharton, American writer, 1862-1937
He walked among men a bronze statue, for thirty years, determinedly looking for his pedestal. –William Allen White, American newspaper editor and writer, 1868-1944
If Woody Allen didn’t exist, then somebody
would have knitted him. –Lesley White
Biography lends to death a new terror.
–Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde, Irish poet, playwright, novelist, and
critic, 1854-1900
Don’t you know that missionaries are the divinely provided food for destitute and underfed cannibals? –Wilde
Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching. –Wilde
He doesn’t act on stage. He behaves. –Wilde
He would stab his best friend for the sake of writing an epigram on his tombstone. –Wilde
I am afraid that he has one of those terribly weak natures that are not susceptible to influence. –Wilde
I don’t like Switzerland: it has produced nothing but theologians and waiters. –Wilde
In England people actually try to be brilliant at breakfast. That is so dreadful of them! Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast. –Wilde
I sometimes think that God, in creating man, overestimated his ability. –Wilde
Lewis Morris: It is a conspiracy of silence against me-a
conspiracy of silence. What should
I do?
Oscar Wilde: Join it.
The English country gentleman galloping after the fox- the unspeakable in full pursuit of the inedible. –Wilde
The play was a great success, but the audience was a total failure. –Wilde
To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both parents looks like carelessness. –Wilde
He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. –Billy Wilder, Austrian-born American filmmaker, 1906-2002
(On England) Unmitigated noodles. –Wilhelm II, German Kaiser and Prussian king (1888-1918), 1859-1941
(To a voter who said he’d rather vote for the devil) And if your friend is not standing? -John Wilkes, British political reformer, 1727-1797
Sandwich: Really, Mr. Wilkes, I don’t know if you’ll die on the gallows or of the pox.
John Wilkes: That depends, my lord, on whether I embrace your principles or your mistress
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her
eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev. -Robin Williams, American comedian and
actor, 1952-
I haven’t read Karl Marx. I got stuck on that footnote on page three. –James Harold Wilson, British Prime Minister (1964-1970, 1974-1976), 1916-1995
She’s been on more laps than a napkin.
–Walter Winchell, American journalist, 1897-1972
…rather like…one,
who, picking daisies on thee railway, has just caught the down express in the
small of the back. –Pelham Graham Wodehouse, English comic writer, 1881-1975
Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum. –P.G. Wodehouse
(Of Ulysses) The work of a queasy undergraduate scratching his pimples. –Adeline Virginia Stephen Woolf, English novelist and critic, 1882-1941
His huff arrived, and he departed in it.
–Alexander Humphries Woollcott, American columnist and critic, 1887-1943
I can’t remember your name, but don’t tell me. –Woollcott
If this play lasts overnight, it should not only be considered a long run but a revival as well. –Woollcott
Ladies, just a little more virginity if you don’t mind. -Woollcott
She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers. –Woollcott
The scenery in the play was beautiful, but the actors got in front of it. –Woollcott
About as deep as a saucer of milk
After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone”.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
And which parallel universe did you crawl out of?
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
Brains aren’t everything. In fact, in your case they’re nothing.
Bright as Alaska in December
Confucious says too much.
Couldn’t pour water out a boot with instructions on the heel
Don’t let your mind wander; its far too small to be let out on its own.
How can you love nature when it did that to you?
I’d like to call you.
What’s your number?
It’s in the phone book.
But I don’t know your name.
That’s in the phone book too.
If Caesar were alive, he’d have you chained to an oar.
(Caesar si viverit, ad remum dareris.)
If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah a big apology.
If God had meant us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
If her IQ goes up to forty, she should sell
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change back.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven’t got the courage to bite themselves.
I’m glad you’re tall. It gives me more not to like about you.
I talk to myself because I like dealing with a better class of people.
It is possible for your mind to be so open that your brain falls out.
It’s hard to believe you beat out a hundred-thousand other sperm.
I worship the ground that awaits your corpse.
I would like to treat him like a treasure, bury him with care and affection.
Mankind is stupid. If you forget it, they will remind you.
May all your teeth fall out, except one-to give you toothaches.
May onions grow in your navel.
Men: you can’t live with them. You don’t have to.
…prays on his knees on Sundays and his on his friends the rest of the week.
Proof that evolution can go in reverse
Sharp as a thimble.
Support bacteria-they’re the only culture some people have.
Support you local bloodhound. Get lost.
The cocktail party is easily the worst invention since castor oil.
The French have passed from a state of barbarism to decadence without the customary interval of civilization.
The Lord’s Prayer is sixty-six words, the Gettysburg Address is twho-hundred-eighty-six words, there are one-thousand-three-hundred-twenty-two in The Declaration of Independence, but government regulations on the sale of cabbage total twenty-six-thousand-nine-hundred-eleven words.
We have been through so much together, and most of it was your fault.
You are depriving some poor village of an idiot.
You grow on people, but so does cancer.
You know it’s time to flee your country when your only hope lies with the French army.
You must have a low opinion of people if you think of them as your equal.
You…off my planet!
You’re a legend…in your own mind.
You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
You should do some soul-searching; you just might find one.
You’ve heard about the good time had by all ladies and gentlemen, and here she is!
I think the time has come to shed some of your humility.
Its just as false not to blow your horn as too blow it too loudly.
-George Sanders, All About Eve
Nice speech, Eve. But
I wouldn’t worry too much about your heart.
You can always put that award where your heart ought to be. -Bette Davis,
All About Eve
Man in conceived in sin and born in corruption. -Broderick
Crawford, All the King's Men
That’s quite a dress you almost have on. -Gene Kelly, An
American in Paris
Why, you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever
seen and that’s not saying much for you. -Groucho Marx, Animal Crackers
I don't won't to live in a city where the only cultural
advantage is that you can take a right turn on a red light. -Woody Allen (of
L.A.), Annie Hall
I’ll bet your father spent the
first year of your life throwing rocks at the stork. – Irving Brecher, At
the Circus
I’d agree with you if you were
right. –Robin Williams, Awakenings
I wouldn’t go on living with you if you were dipped in
platinum. –Irene Dunne, The Awful Truth
Get that look off your face. Who gave you the right to dig into me and turn me inside out
and decide what I’m like? How do
you know how I feel about you, how deep it goes?
Maybe I don’t want anybody to own me-you or anybody.
Get out. Get out.
Get out! -Kirk Douglas, The Bad and
the Beautiful
If you tried to phone hell from here, it would be a local
call. –Bebe’s Kids
She tried to sit on my lap while I was standing up.
-Humphrey Bogart, The Big Sleep
Do you know what’s wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are?
You’re chicken. You got no
guts. You’re afraid to stick out your chin and say, “Okay,
life’s a fact”. People do fall
in love. People do belong to each
other because that’s the only chance anybody’s got for real happiness.
You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, and you’re terrified
somebody’s going to stick you in a cage.
Well, baby, you’re already in that cage.
You built it up yourself, and it’s not bound on the west by Tulip,
Texas, or on the east by Somaliland. It’s
wherever you go because no matter where you run you just end up running into
yourself! -George Peppard, Breakfast at
Tiffany’s
I certainly had him pegged
wrong, didn’t I? I thought he was
just a rat, but he was a super-rat all along-a super-rat in rat’s clothing.
–Audrey Hepburn, Breakfast at
Tiffany’s
Your best, Mr. Keith, is only a maximum of inefficiency.
-Humphrey Bogart, The Caine Mutiny
I can’t wait to get out of here. It’s like paradise with a lobotomy. –California Suite
New York is not the center of the goddamn universe.
I grant you it's an exciting, vibrant, stimulating, fabulous city, but
it's not Mecca. It just smells like it. -Alan Alda, California Suite
You’re worse than a hopeless romantic.
You’re a hopeful one. –Jane Fonda, California
Suite
When you call me madam, smile. –Ethel Merman, Call
Me Madam
Well, I suppose we’ll have to feed the duchess.
Even vultures have to eat. –Shirley MacLaine, The
Children’s Hour
You’re the sluts! Try
and act like it! –Chopper Chicks in
Zombietown
You know, it’s quite possible, Octavian, that when you
die, you will die without ever having been alive. -Richard Burton, Cleopatra
I now take great pleasure in presenting to you the well
preserved and partially pickled Mrs. Potter. -Groucho Marx, The
Coconuts
They all start out as Juliets and wind up as Lady Macbeths.
–William Holden, The Country Girl
They cause me more trouble than the Methodist Church.
–Ray Waltson, Damn Yankees
We’re coming to a tree in the middle of the road.
We’re taking it. If you’re killed, I’ll be free.
If I’m killed, it doesn’t really matter. If we both die, good riddance. –Bette Davis, Dangerous
There’ll be ice cream parlors in hell before I walk back
into this place and listen to your jaw! –Robert Preston, The Dark at the Top of the Stairs
It’s a nauseating mixture of Park Avenue and Broadway.
It proves I’m a liberal. –Clifton Webb, The
Dark Corner
How I detest the dawn! The grass always looks like its been left out all night. –Clifton Webb, The Dark Corner
Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in
bed at the same time. -Dirk Bogarde, Darling
Congratulations, Karl.
You’re still a lucky man. You
must have been kissed in your cradle by a vulture. –Kirk Douglas, Detective
Story
Go, and never darken my towels again! -Groucho Marx, Duck
Soup
Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot and look like an idiot, but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot. I implore you, send him back to his father and brothers who are waiting for him with open arms in the penitentiary. I suggest that we give him ten years in Leavenworth, or eleven years in Twelveworth.
I’ll tell you what I’ll do.
I’ll take five and ten in Woolworth. –Groucho and Chico Marx, Duck
Soup
Jeez, you’re old-fashioned, aren’t you?
From the waist up. –Charlotte Rampling and Robert
Mitchum, Farewell, My Lovely
I wouldn’t have you if you were hung with diamonds,
upside down. –Joan Crawford, Female on
the Beach
By the way, when the minister asks if there’s any reason
why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony, don’t be surprises if
somebody in the back of the room mentions a reason-loud, clear, and unpleasant.
–Jan Sterling, Female on the Beach
Not Anytime Annie! Say,
who could forget her? She only said
‘no’ once-and then she didn’t hear the question. –George E. Stone, Forty-second
Street
They’re murderers. I
know the law says they’re not because I’m still alive, but that’s not
their fault. -Spencer Tracy, Fury
It’s easy to understand why the most beautiful poems
about England in the spring were written by poets living in Italy at the time.
–George Sanders, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir
It’s worse than horrible, because a zombie has no will of his own. You see then sometimes walking around blindly, with dead eyes, following orders, not knowing what they do, not caring.
You mean like Democrats? -Richard Carlson and Bob Hope, The
Ghost Breakers
You ain’t even worth hitting. Jett, you want to know something true: you’re all through.
–Rock Hudson, Giant
And then it happened.
You wound up on the floor, on your back, in the middle of the salad, and
I said to myself, “Well, after one-hundred years, the Benedict family is a
real big success”. –Elizabeth Taylor, Giant
Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn. –Clark Gable, Gone
with the Wind
Tell me, Scarlet, do you never
shrink from marrying men you don’t love? –Clark Gable, Gone with the Wind
Joey, this may be the last chance I’ll ever have to tell
you to do anything, so I’m telling you: shut up. –Spencer Tracy, Guess
Who’s Coming to Dinner
He just swallowed his pride. It’ll take him a moment or two to digest it. –Patricia
Neal, The Hasty Heart
He’s not the man for you-I can see that-but I sorta like him. He’s got a lot of charm.
Well, he comes by it naturally. His grandfather was a snake. –Ralph Benny and Rosalind
Russell, His Girl Friday
You’re a disgrace to our family name of Wagstaff if such
a thing is possible. –Groucho Marx, Horse
Feathers
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run
out? –Groucho Marx, Horse Feathers
I’m tired of playing second fiddle to the ghost of
Beethoven. –Joan Crawford, Humoresque
Tell me, Mrs. Wright, does you
husband interfere with your marriage? –Oscar Levant, Humoresque
Eddie, you’re a born loser. -George C. Scott, The
Hustler
Hello? Is that you? Well,
this is Charlie. I just called you
up not to wish you a merry Christmas.
–Alan Baxter, In Name Only
You’re drunk, and your last penny is spent, and I have no
further use for you, Mr. Gypo Nolan, ipso facto. –J. M. Kerrigan, The
Informer
Hello, Devil. Welcome
to Hell. -Gene Kelly, Inherit the Wind
You never pushed a noun against a verb except to blow up
something. -Spencer Tracy, Inherit the
Wind
Why should we weep for him?
Because he’s dead? Because he wept enough for himself during his
lifetime? –Gene Kelly, Inherit the Wind
He’s the only man I know who can strut sitting down.
–Gene Kelly, Inherit the Wind
Is this for my beauty and talent-or is it payment in advance? -Vanessa Redgrave, Isadora (after receiving diamonds)
Why didn’t you take off all your clothes? You could have stopped forty cars. -Clark Gable, It Happened One Night (after Claudette Colbert used her leg to hitchhike)
Listen, partner. You may not like my nose, but I do. I always wear it out in the open where if anybody wants to take a sock at it they can do it. –Clark Gable, It Happened One Night
I seem to have offended the light of love by using a
polysyllabic word. -Van Heflin, Johnny
Eager
This guy could have climbed the highest mountain in the
world-if he’d just started up the right one. -Van Heflin, Johnny Eager
Too many girls follow the line of least resistance.
Yeah, but a good line is hard to resist. -Helen Jerome Eddy
and Mae West, Klondike Annie
Haven’t you heard of science’s newest triumph-the
doorbell? –Clifton Webb, Laura
I don’t use a pen. I
write with a quill dipped in venom. –Clifton Webb, Laura
You've been all over the world, and you've met all kinds of
people-but you never write about them. You
only write about yourself. You
think this whole war's a show put on for you to cover like a Broadway play, and,
if enough people die before the last act, maybe you might give it four stars.
-John Hodiak, Lifeboat
Why did God make so many dumb fools and Democrats? -William
Powell, Life with Father
Until you stirred him up, I had no trouble with God.
–William Powell, Life with Father
All right, then run, lady-and you keep on running.
Buy yourself a bus ticket and disappear.
Change your name. Dye your
hair. Get lost. And
then maybe-just maybe-you’re gonna be safe from me. –Paul Newman, The
Long, Hot Summer
When you’re slapped, you’ll take it and like it.
–Humphrey Bogart, The Maltese Falcon
This aging debutante, Mr. Jefferson, I retain in my employ
only because she is the sole support of her two-headed brother. -Monty Woolley, The
Man who Came to Dinner
Would you take your clammy hand off my chair?
You have the touch of a love-starved cobra. –Monty Woolley, The
Man Who Came to Dinner
Strange?
She’s right out of The Hound of the Baskervilles. –Monty
Woolley, The Man Who Came to
Dinner
Mr. Whiteside, if Florence Nightingale had ever nursed you,
she would have married Jack the Ripper instead of founding the Red Cross.
Good Day! –Mary Wickes, The Man
Who Came to Dinner
Frank, were you on this religious
kick at home or did you crack up over here? –Donald Sutherland, M*A*S*H
And I’ll tell you another thing: frankly, you’re
beginning to smell-and, for a stud in New York, that’s a handicap. –Dustin
Hoffman, Midnight Cowboy
Personally, Veda’s convinced me that alligators have the
right idea. They eat their young.
-Eve Arden, Mildred Pierce
Veda, I think I’m really seeing you for the first time in
my life-and you’re cheap and horrible. -Joan Crawford, Mildred Pierce
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of
elderberries! –Monty Python and the Holy
Grail
You tit! I
soiled my armor! I was so scared!
–Monty Python and the Holy Grail
A glorified doormat. –Lionel Stander, Mr. Deeds Goes to Town
I've married you, Fanny, but I haven't won you. -Claude
Rains, Mr. Skeffington
…either I’m dead or I’m crazy.
You wouldn’t care to put that to a vote, would you,
Senator? -Jimmy Stewart and Grant Mitchell, Mr.
Smith goes to Washington
Phillip Marlowe-name for a duke. You're just a nice mug. -Claire Trevor, Murder, My Sweet
Why don’t you stop imitating a gorilla and imitate a man?
–Eugene Pallette, My Man Godfrey
Confess it, you’ve been hermetically sealed most of your
life. -George Brent, My Reputation
You’re dead on this waterfront
and every waterfront from Boston to New Orleans.
You don’t drive a truck or a cab.
You don’t push a baggage rack. You
don’t work no place. You’re
dead. –Lee J. Cobb,On the Waterfront
I do not like to be interrupted in the middle of an insult.
-Charles Laughton, The Paradine Case
May God have mercy upon my enemies, because I won't. -Patton
To hardly know him is to know him well. -Cary Grant, The
Philadelphia Story
Not interested in yourself?
You're fascinated, Red. You're
far and away your favorite person in the world. -Cary Grant, The
Philadelphia Story
I apologize for the intelligence of my remarks, Sir Thomas.
I had forgotten that you were a member of Parliament. -George Sanders, The
Picture of Dorian Gray
He’s like a spider, and he expects me to redecorate his
web. –Doris Day, Pillow Talk
Ah, that woman has the taste of a
water buffalo.
Well, then why do business with
her?
Because she happens to be a very
rich water buffalo. –Marcel Dalio and Doris Day, Pillow Talk
Did you ever hear a rhinoceros in labor? –Fred Astaire, The
Pleasure of his Company
Your love affair with yourself has reached heroic
proportions. It's doesn't seem to
leave much room for me. Are you
sure you can't get along without someone to help you admire yourself? -Joan
Crawford, Possessed
You are one UGLY Motherfucker! –Arnold Schwarzenegger, Predator
Oh, you mistake me, my dear. I have the highest respect for your nerves.
I have heard you mention them with consideration for the last twenty
years. –Edmund Gwenn, Pride and Prejudice
I expect this is to be your gift, Sandy-to kill without
concern. –Maggie Smith, The Prime of
Miss Jean Brodie
Certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs.
-Robert Montgomery, Private Lives
Have you lost your mind?
How can you “kill the actors”? What
do you mean, “kill the actors”? Actors
are not animals. They’re human
beings.
They are? Have
you ever eaten with one? -Zero Mostel, The
Producers
A week? Are
you kidding? This play has got to
close on page four. -Zero Mostel, The
Producers
We find the defendants incredibly guilty. -(The Jury
Foreman), The Producers
They have given you a new title, Divinity: Incendiary. -Leo
Genn, Quo Vadis
Among the gods, your humor is
unique. –Leo Genn, Quo Vadis
We’ve decided on a white wedding, in spite of the
circumstances. –Ambrosine Philpotts, Room
at the Top
I wouldn’t have you as a Christmas tree, Alvin York.
–Joan Leslie, Sergeant York
You know, you’re a lot more intelligent than you look.
Thank you. I
wish I could say the same for you. –Ketti Galliam and Ginger Rogers, Shall
We dance
When women go wrong, men go right after them. –Mae West, She
Done Him Wrong
Fräulein, is it to be at every
meal or merely at dinnertime that you intend on leading us all through this rare
and wonderful world of indigestion? –Christopher Plummer, The
Sound of Music
She was a tramp.
She was a human being.
Let me remind you that even the most unworthy us has a right to life and
the pursuit of happiness.
From what I hear, she pursued it in all directions.
–Patricia Hitchcock and Leo G. Carroll, Strangers
on a Train
You must have been born with that name. (Esther Blodgett)
You couldn't have made it up. -James Mason, A
Star is Born
You are too twisted for color
TV. –Steel Magnolias
You know what you are, Willie? You’re a seventy-three year-old schmo. -George Burns, The
Sunshine Boys
In Italy, for three years under the Borgias, they had
warfare, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo
da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In
Switzerland they had brotherly love; they had five-hundred years of democracy
and peace-and what did they produce? The cuckoo clock. So
long, Holly. –Orson Welles, The Third
Man
There is a fine line between clever and stupid. –This
is Spinal Tap
Mister, the stork that brought you must have been a
vulture. –Ann Sheridan, Torrid Zone
If I smelled as bad as you, I wouldn’t live near people.
–Kim Darby, True Grit
It’s typical of my career that in the great crises of
life I should stand flanked by two incompetent alcoholics. –John Barrymore, Twentieth
Century
I could cut my throat.
If you did, greasepaint would run out of it.
That’s the trouble with you, Oscar-with both of us.
We’re not people. We’re
lithographs. We don’t know anything about love it’s written and
rehearsed. We’re only real
between curtains. –John Barrymore and Carole Lombard, Twentieth Century
If you want to call me that, smile. –Gary Cooper, The
Virginian
Look, Sweetheart, I can drink you under any goddamn table
you want so don’t worry about me. -Elizabeth Taylor, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
I swear, if you existed, I’d divorce you. -Elizabeth
Taylor, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Martha, in my mind, you are buried in cement up to the
neck. No, up to the nose, it’s
much quieter. –Richard Burton, Who’s
Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
Musical beds is the faculty sport around here. –Richard
Burton, Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?
You know, it's too bad I'm not covering this dinner of
yours tonight because I've got an angle that would really be sensational: the
outstanding woman of the year isn't a woman at all. -Spencer Tracy, Woman
of the Year
And another thing,
I think this bathroom is perfectly ridiculous!
Good night, Crystal. -Virginia Weidler, The Women
There’s a name for you ladies, but it isn’t used in
high society-outside of a kennel. -Joan Crawford, The Women
Didn’t anybody ever tell you before that you smell bad?
–Anne Baxter, Yellow Sky
Young man, if there is such a thing as a tartuffe, you are
just that thing. One more peep out
of you, and I’ll give you a sound trundling. -W.C. Fields, You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man
What a dope I was! I
though you were class, like a real high note you hit once in a lifetime.
That’s because I couldn’t understand what you were saying half the
time. Why, you’re like those
carnival joints I used to work in-big flash on the outside but on the inside
nothing but filth. -Kirk Douglas, Young Man with a Horn