June 21, 2009
Sad news. As of July 13 geocities will be shutting down its website service. I have backed up my files and plan to somehow resurrect my blog else where. In the meantime - and possibly for all time now - all my thoughts are located at bobisme49.blogspot.com . Adios, geocities!
May 25, 2009
Type A?
I'm in school for the spring semester. I heard it was hard. I also heard it was easy. So I took my chances and gambled on medium. But I have since discovered that it is actually pretty hard - not "hard" but alot of work. I'm behind already and at this pace it will take me a full 48 hours or reading and studying to catch up. We have a midterm on thursday - ALREADY! I missed the first day of school due to a Vegas trip so for me, there has only been 3 classes and now I'm being tested. OMG. On my days out of school I am working. In the evening playing soccer and attempting to take time out for social activities that seem to pile up this time of year. On Sunday was my only "true" day off. I had nothing planned except to read a chapter of my book which I accomplished while enjoying the beautiful sunshine. At the end of Sunday I was exhausted! I couldn't figure out why I was so tired since I hadn't done anything all day. Then my mom suggested it was due to an entire weeks worth of business without rest. Maybe she was right. But it won't slow down anytime soon - I'll just have to maximize my time management and efficiency and hope I don't have some kind of mental break down. Just looking forward to the summer!
To comment, use previous post's comment box because I'm too lazy to put that up right now.
May 10, 2009
Why the F*** Did I Do That?
They say the full moon makes people do weird stuff... perhaps I've fallen victim to its effects... or maybe once you "lose innocence" you can't go very long without your body taking over your mind (or something to that effect) and exepriencing the forbidden fruit over and over again. It's sounds more romantic that way. It wasn't. It included zero romance. It was solely for the pleasure of the body and to feed the curiousity that was nothing more than exactly what was expected... not disapointing, just not new. Not... special? In the hours since I've discovered something my heart already knew. My mind just needed evidence to believe it because that's what happens when you're conditioned by science. It was like I made a decision and immediately after another decision (although less crucial) that directly contrasted the first. This proved to me that the later decision was more fulfilling. And so in one way, while I sit here "regretting" doing "that" I also sit here with a new (or maybe renewed) perspective, thinking about how much more satisfying it is to "share life" (through deep converstation, laughter, and experience) than to feed the desires of the body. But I can't undo what has been done, so I must move forward and live and hold on to this new clarity I've found and hope for the best. On another note, my other confusions continue... why do ex's always have to say and do things that make me feel confused again? I guess that's another story.
Oh... and I like this poem by Lew Sarett. For some reason I thought it was about people acting weird on full moons but its called "the loon" so maybe its just a play on words and nice imagery:
A LONELY lake, a lonely shore,
A lone pine leaning on the moon;
All night the water-beating wings
Of a solitary loon.
With mournful wail from dusk to dawn
5
He gibbered at the taunting stars,—
A hermit-soul gone raving mad,
And beating at his bars
April 6, 2009
My Side
I’m looking at my reflection
the background doesn’t match
realizing there is another side
Ripples drift across the image
What direction am I looking from?
I see my eyes, your eyes staring at me
Our hands are mirror images
They raise to face each other
But when they touch clarity is lost
All I see now is sky and trees floating
I reach through and close my hand
It is filled with nothing but earth
I can see you but I can’t feel you
I'm still debating the title and the ending lines... any suggestions?
March 30, 2009
Bipolar Life
Time for an update! Too soon you thought? Me too. BUT apparently, the last phone call was not really the last one. My sunday was totally random and ended in the weirdest way ever. It started out like usually - belly dance class. Then we went to play basketball with a coworker but didn't end up playing basketball because no one wanted to play with us on the court (slightly disapointing), so instead we drove around the NE looking for a papusa place that ended up being closed when we got there. So we ate at China Rose buffet. Then we went to some billiards place and played pool and did tequila shots (only 2 though) and also drank a shirley temple. My sister and I returned home to meet with her boyfriend who was straving because he waited all day for her and she was starving too because she decided not to eat all day (even at the buffet - wtf, they had icecream!!). Just at that moment when we were discussing what to eat I received a text message. "Sorry for what i said, i'm having a dinner party tonight if you want to come", words any hungry stomache might like to read at a time like this. It was a house warming party so we picked up a tiramisu and made are way over to the new apartment. He had cooked a dinner with the cook book I left there once and had two other guests as well as my sister, her boyfriend, and me to feed. He toured us his new apartment (quite a step up from the old one) and did a show and tell with his motorcycle gear, ending the night by showing us his new motor bike on the way out. Nothing was weird. It was as though the conversation the day before had never happened. Then we left satisfied - me confused - again, and went home to sleep.
March 28, 2009
The Last Phone Call
Well... it's over. It's really over. Dead. In the words of JT/TI "the old me's dead and gone... dead and gone...." Tonight he asked me the hardest questions. I hate hard questions (who doesn't?). "Do you still have feelings for me?" WTF of course. I wouldn't have gone out with him for almost two years if "feelings" weren't there, however, I have MIXED feelings Some are good and some are bad, and to this point they were almost equal in number, leaving me sitting on the fence. "Am I wasting my time trying to get back with you?" Yes. It is unfair to him to have to wait for my mind to be made up - especially since that seems to be taking forever. Fence sitters have a hard time making up their minds... there are too may sides of the story to consider, and too many what if scenerios to ponder. That was all he needed to hear. He says it's too hard for him to be friends with me still. He has to forget me completely. He deleted me from every form of communication as of this evening... I guess that means it's final then. No more. I was devastated... to me, losing a romantic relationship is not as hard as losing a friend.... I felt he was the one ripping my heart out (I guess I deserved that...). I understand and yet I don't. I have to accept that decision - even though it is only him accepting mine. The truth hurts so much. He said "since you're so busy you'll have no problem forgetting about it"... The sad part is that it's probably true. The sad part is also that it isn't true. I can't forget nor have I ever tried... but business is my excuse for not speaking to alot of people... I guess it just means that much more when you used to rearrange your schedule to fit his and be busy when he was and free when he wasn't. Why did I do that? Why can't I let go of things? Why do I need believe I am good person and a loving friend when evidence points to the contrary? Why can't I just accept that I'm a heartbreaker... a killer of love....? I am not! He just doesn't understand. Why am I the one crying because he doesn't want to ever see me again when he was the one who got broken up with? Why is the bad guy so sad?
March 21, 2009
I lay back in relaxing bath scented will lavendar epsom salts. The air was also scented with lavendar aromatherapy, and a calming candle stood still at the foot of the tub. I put on some arabic music and closed my eyes, letting my senses take it all in. The hot water washing my skin, the aroma surrounding me with a peaceful feeing, and the rythm and voices of a distant place singing in words I couldn't understand. It was the first moment in a very long time where I felt completely at peace. The only thoughts in my head were of that moment. Then I began to feel my heart beating through-out my body... and that is as far as I got into my moment before I "awoke" and returned to the present. The present - that place stuck between the past and the future... a place with too many thoughts. A place slightly longer than a moment - where you need to be to get there, and that you need to escape at the same time. To bring a moment into the present is to make it part of the past but this is needed in order for it to influence your future. My baths are where I find most of my moments. They are relaxing and healing. My escape from the hassles of daily life, and too rare these days.
March 9, 2009
Tannis is confused. So today was a weird day. Here's the background story: My ex-boyfriend and I share the same birthday (not really, his is the day before...) so since we are still friends we decided to go out an celebrate today. The original plan was to go to the science center, but I get off at school at 3 and it closes at 4 so those plans fell through. Instead we went bowling, then to the Taj Mahal restaraunt, and then watched a movie called "Miracle at St. Anne's"(or something along those lines). First confusion moment happened as soon as I got in the car (he picked me up at school). He gave me a box of chocolates and a nice card with kittens on it that had a poem he wrote on the inside (more background: he's not the type to write a poem or even seem to have romantic thoughts at all... pretty much a man's man to the max). Then at the end of the night as he was driving me home, he told me he had a letter for me and pulled out a piece of paper from his pocket. I read it and it was pretty good actually - I was impressed - it was basically an apology/love letter.... another out of character thing for him to do. I realize he's been pretty heart broken - but's it's been almost four months now... another weird thing is that all of a sudden he starts playing soccer (he joined a team, I had suggested it for so long), then he goes to the mosque (a long time ago, I also suggested he do that to have some reflection/spiritual time). I feel like he's actually trying to change... something I didn't think was fair to request, however he told me himself on one occassion, "you told me it was unfair of you to ask me to change, but you weren't asking me to change my personality, you were asking me to change for the better." Anyways, if you've read my previous entries you'd knwo why I am now in a state of confusion... on one hand I have a hard time believing this is true... what if things go back the way they were before?? On the other... it seems like he's doing "that thing", that unrealistic, that could never happen thing, the only thing that would make me go back. what if?? Everynow and then I catch my mind referring to him as my baby... but I always thought that these type of feelings were natural... that everyone goes through a period of missing at some point... on the other hand I never felt that way in any other relationship. I just don't know what to do. Thoughts?
March 2, 2009
I had a dream last night that was really weird and saturated with strong emotions. The first part I just remembered as I was eating my lunch at school, realizing I forgot my cell phone and therefore am without my "watch". Why aren't there any clocks anywhere!? It should be mandatory that a visible clock is placed in every room or major section of a very large room/corridor. Why do I feel the need to always know the time? Anyways, here's a snippet of my dream last night:I was called into work at my old job. It was after supper (in the dream) and I had to open the gym (which doesn't make sense because it is open at 5am until 11pm, apparently they were short staffed). Anyways, one thing I noticed was that all the clocks in the place were wrong! I had no idea what time it was and could only make an educated guess... it must be around 9 or 10 because I already had supper and did a few other things and that was around 7. Every clock was displaying a random time, and to make matters worse people were coming in to exercise but acting as though it was much earlier. I became very frustrated and started forcefully asking all my coworkers what time it was. Does anyone know the time? Why are all the clocks wrong? Can someone fix these clocks please!!? Among other annoyances in the dream (such as interaction with random made-up coworker who I apaprently had mutual feelings if dislike, and other former coworkers who were disapointed I had returned), the clock thing was pretty frustrating.
I woke up frustrated by the dream that occurred after that. I was playing soccer and a girl wrapped her legs around my ankles (while she was on the ground from falling) so I couldn't move. The ref called it against me, and I was so angry I started arguing with him. How could this be my fault when she's the one wrapped around my legs?? He explained something about how that team wasn't as well off (as wheel barrows as a travelling method did suggest). The rest of my team started confronting me and getting angry that I "gave that girl a look" and that's why the ref called me. I was so angry! It wasn't fair! Since when does "a look" count as a penalty especially when that person is commiting a huge obvious foul themselves. Anyways, the girl continues to try and get away with things and the ref seemed illusioned as she talked babyish to him. My dream person then had a weird thought that made me uncomfortable. I thought "if I had the face of an angel (referring to the girl), maybe the ref would see my side." The game continued but I woke up feeling frustrated and angry. I wonder what these dreams mean...
January 26, 2009
Somtimes I get in a creative mood. Sometimes I don't for a long time. Foruntately this is a good day and not a sucky one so here's a poem. One of the very few "happy" poems I've written, especially recently.
I�m a prisoner of memories
Of cereal, cookies, and strawberries
Simple things you see, like cake
I like to eat it but I don�t bake
It don�t take much to satisfy me
I�m not shallow but I aint deep,
just enough you can�t touch your feet
you�re breathing just a little harder now
your heart�s speeding just a little faster now
your eyes are searching frantically
calm down, relax, cause it�s just me
Lighten up like buoyancy
I keep you floating, keep you joking
If you keep breathing you won't be choking
And your words will just start flowing
Like a sea. Then you�ll feel like it�s me.
My style�s care-free.
Relax. I drift like wood on a beach.
My style is so care free.
My sister rapped it. That sounded pretty "ill" <-- notice the lingo. haha 'm the next Lil' Wayne by the way...
January 5, 2009
I feel sad. Basically that's it. I feel guilt and sad and hurt. It's not fair. It's not fair for someone to mistreat you until you break and then try and fix it, is it? I don't know what I want. I'm just confused and sad. I miss him but I don't. It doesn't make sense... I just want to sleep. Maybe somehow it will all be over when I wake up.
January 2, 2009
Fuck. I'm so pissed off. Oh yeah, Happy New Years btw. I don't understand... why do people not realize that the more they attempt to make you angry the more angrier you will become and the farther away from their ultimate goal they will get. I'm so bad at hurting people... it's like a slow painful death when it should be as quick as a guillotine. It's because I'm neer sure of my own feelings. I'm caught between the grey area of a clean breakup and a fight between good friends. At least that's how it started. Now I've been pissed off yet again and am starting to see where I'm standing. It's like I've been wondering through fog looking for a distinct line and now I see one emerging... coming into focus. Maybe it's more like bad doctoring. Like keeping someone on life support in hopes that they may suddenly jump up in full swing ready to salsa dance the night away with only happiness and love in their heart. Maybe it's time to pull the plug on this one... and watch it fizzle away... it's always sad to lose someone but not as much as watching them suffer. I suppose I could blame it on my moral upbringing - pulling the plug is just as good as putting a bullet to their brain... I'm not one to go down without a fight, even in the most seemingly hopeless situation, and maybe this is the ONLY situation when it's ok to give up... just maybe.
I also for some reason, feel like I can't ever express myself properly... no one ever will understand.
December 23, 2008
Heartless?
Told all your friends your ugly tale 'bout a girl who cried and screamed and yelled, and told you not to speak to her and made you love her and then just left you there... how cold. I wish they knew, I wish they knew, the real you. I wish they knew 'bout all the stuff you didn't do, all the stuff I did for you, all the missing thank-yous (where'd your manners go?). I wish they didn't still believe, you only hurt the ones you love, well then I guess you really did love me.
Now you say I'm so evil, so bad news, stay away from her, that girl's a heart breaker. She's got my blood on her hands, look at her just walking around but she don't understand, how I changed, I'm a new man. Take me back... but in the same breathe you just said all that crap...
We're on the phone at 2 am, you're tryna get me back, buy me things and reminisce bout back then. What are you doing for NYE? you ask, But when I tell you my plans you just get mad, why you gonna go out and do that? Fine, I'm going to go out with all the pretty girls I met - okay, sounds fun - AND I'm gonna kiss at midnight with that girl you didn't like...
I'm never coming back if you don't want me to have fun, you're trying to bring my anger back, maybe that's why you're home alone, waiting by the telephone, ever thought of that? I'm second guessing that chance I gave you , cause you're just trying to make me as miserable as you. Is that what a friend is suppose to do? That's what a boyfriend is suppose to do when he leaves his girl at home to sit around alone like some little house wife. Well you found out that I aint THAT nice.
Do whatever I said before 'cause you want me back, well that was then, this is now and it don't work like that. Now all your friends say I'm controlling, maybe if they knew about your lying they'd undestand the whole thing. I hate it how you turn it around and play the victim, like I'm the mean one for leaving you, for "giving up" on you. You know there's a reason for that too. You think I didn't try to work it through? I couldn't even get through to you when I'm crying, I'm burning, it's dying, and you keep throwing fuel on the fire. You just don't get it. I'm too tired to fight anymore, I just let it burn, burn to the floor. And now you're getting mad at me (again), can't even be a friend to me (the fundamental part). I guess that's something we'll never be because you just want more and more and more. All you want is more.
Inspired by Kanye West's "Heartless" which reminds me of the perspective of my friend(s) (AKA ex). This is the female perspective... or part of it.
November 12, 2008
Life Goes On
Tuesday this week was the only day that I felt the world had slowed down for me. Finally, all I wanted was some time to grieve my losses without life pulling me forward into everyday routine and hassle. I'll admit, I had tonnes of fun these last few weeks but somehow I still felt like I was being rushed... there was no time between exams and parties (all of a sudden a never ending stream of party invites I could actually attend and I haven't been out for months!). Yesterday I slept in, and aside from a physiology lab and a midterm exam lingering in the back of my mind, i managed to have an emotionally productive day. Aside from a bit of studying, my sister, her boyfriend and I watched a horror movie called "the strangers" (super scary, recommend watching in the dark). Then I watched Monday night's recording of Heroes. Then I had supper and went to my soccer game. I guess my mind was occupied with lighter things all day.
I also had a great philosophical discussion (mostly with my own mind and some with my mom) about life paths. It stemmed from a memory I had about a tarot card reading my friend and I did about 2 summers ago (the beginning of our stampede tradition). The lady told my friend that she would find a great job and be successful in it and that she should look into the oil industry. Then she told me that my friend would be there to support me while she was becoming successful because I would be going through a heartbreak. On one hand I feel like I screwed up my own fate, possibly unconsciously due to self fulfilling prophecy. Why did that lady put that in my mind? Was she really psychic? Is it just a coincidence? Or did she doom me unintentionally?
A more comforting answer I came up with is this: If in fact, the future is predetermined (provided it can be predicted by a psychic), then if what is predicted turns out to be true that must mean that you made all the right decisions on your quest into the future because you ended up in the exact place you were suppose to be. Que sera sera?
I once read a Bijan book called "effortless prosperity" and one of the stories in the book came to mind. He spoke of an ongoing off and on relationship he had. Each time they encountered the same problems and broke up, only to come back together remembering the good experiences they had. Eventually the stress became too much and he had to move on. He compared his relationship to a river intersecting his life path. In order to continue his path he needed to take the boat across the river. However, once he got to the other side he would decide to get back on the boat (return to his girlfriend). He realized he was only going back and forth on the river and that he was meant to move on in order to move forward. Once he got off the boat the final time, he was able to move down his path again. I like that comparison because it doesn't trivialize the events you shared with an ex. It was never a waste of time. You had to get on that boat and cross that river in order to continue, but you must choose to accept what is and move forward.
*In this paragraph I will describe how this situation can be related to physics* So if Bijan was on the boat, and he needed to cross the river to continue his path and the river was X meters long, then his displacement would be X meters at the other side. Therefore in his life, his relationship would have accounted for X amount of displacement on his life path. Because he kept staying on the boat his distance increased. He added nxX (n is the number of times he crossed the river) meters onto his life journey but because his ultimate displacement was still X, essentially he did not move forward in his life despite his added distance. *end*
So I think I could write a whole philosophy book on this. Maybe I will. I'll leave more for another day. My brain is starting to get ahead of me.
November something (long day - friday), 2008
I Like Metaphores and Similes
Today I will discuss and idea that has been plaguing my brain this week and has probably developed as some kind of survival mechanism for depressing times, much like the purpose of humour (or so I believe). Today I will discuss how relationships are alot like jobs.
In the beggining you are excited and nervous to start your job, provided you passed this initial interview. You come to work everyday gung-ho to complete every task on your list of things to do. You don't ask for a vacation just yet as to show your employer you're a commited worker. You go out of your way to cover for other people's shifts, get there on time, and are enthusiastic when you are asked to handle something of responsibility. In most cases you start with the intention of moving ahead, or climbing the corporate ladder. You tell all your friends about your new job and all the people you've met there. You're upbeat and motivated, at least for the probation period.
Later you begin to intigrate into the environment. You are no longer the "newbie" and start to feel comfortable at work. Work becomes part of your routine and you are still motivated to go, maybe because you have many friends there, you learn alot, and you are still working toward that next step, or maybe just for the pay cheque. You start to wean yourself away from being the office go-for, and start to become more respected for your personal qualities (your driven personality, work ethic, humour, reliability, etc.), your knowledge, and your commitment.
If the job is right for you, you may spend a long time here, eventually turning goals into reality and developing a career (long term working). Some days are crappy, and you don't want to go to work or it becomes very stressful, but for the most part it's still interesting and rewarding so you continue to go. In the best case scenerios, your pay increases by alot and you eventually have alot of say in the direction of the company.
Now let's backtrack.... << If the job is not right for you after the initial new job buzz has faded, you may feel you are being treated with a lack of respect. Maybe all your hard work is being taking advantage of. You begin to feel tired and worn out. Why is no one acknowledging all your effort? Maybe you feel you've gained senority but the minimum wage has increased and newbies are starting at the same rate as you're making. Maybe newer employees are getting more perks than you (opportunity for education, higher pay, more vacation/days off, more lenient rules, etc.) You start to feel like your efforts are no longer worth the reward. You start to question yourself and your employer's judgement. Eventually you begin to see your workplace in a negative light. Going to work is now a chore - or maybe even a torture. Your stress level is rising. You seek confirmation of your negative views and find that many people agree with you. It's time to get out. You think about writing your resignation letter... but it's so hard... you consider the positive aspects of the job, should you quit or stick it out incase it gets better? Eventually the need to escape the stress and possibility of a more rewarding job brings you to type the letter. Handing it in is just as hard. You have to face the boss. They have no idea you don't like your job and you are scared of their reaction. Will they be angry? Will the try and get you to change your mind? You want to make it short and sweet (maybe they'll still be a reference for you?).
At the end of your job you have a small regret but a sneaking suspision you made the right choice.
And that is the story of a job. I'm sure you can find many parallels to relationships if you consider the Job as the relationship and you the employee. I suppose it could work the other way around too. New employees and coworkers may represent experiences or friends. Anyways, I have now purged my brain of this thought.
November 4, 2008
Climbing
Literally I have started climbing. My rock climbing class is pure fun. Today I made it to the top on my second attempt. The first attempt I had some kind of panic attack half way there, and someone was screaming which added to my adrenaline rush and caused me to lose my focus - either way it was quite exhilerating. It's a really good work out for the whole body as well. Now I have to start developing a presentation on the physics of rock climbing.
Metaphorically, I have not climbed very far, I'm just barely crawling. I still feel like I just fell off a cliff and am recovering ever so slowly. I keep having dreams that remind me of all my past stresses and potential future ones as well. Why can't it just be erased from my head? Move on already!! Every time I have free time, it feels like the day is never ending. I know where I want to be and I'm trying to change my thinking in order to get there back to whereever I was before, content, and myself, only this time with alittle bit more wisdom to take into the future. It feels like it's taking too long and to tell the truth, I don't think the hurting has even ended yet in order to begin being healed. One step at a time... but I just want everything fixed!
Most of October 2008
This is how I feel...
Mariah Carey - Side Effects Minus all the self boob rubbing...
Also see: Other blog.
October 9, 2008
Milestones
Why is this happening to me I asked? Give me a sign
What am I doing wrong? What's the world telling me?
Or have I known it all along? I said I wasn't ready to leave it all behind.
I couldn't do it, wanted him too badly, maybe love is blind.
All the music that I heard that day was sad, the lyrics told me walk away.
They knew the feelings that I had.
But a nagging deep inside my heart would not let me stand.
I kneeled down and as I weeped I knew we had to mend.
Many tears and angry words like a hailstorm I threw,
and just as quickly as they came, so quickly they blew through.
That night we dinned, an expensive feast and drank our pain away,
and went forth as nothing had occurred, like the sun after the rain.
After all our hard earned peace, we did not leave alone.
Instead we ate here, and in conclusion, this is our milestone.
Alas it feels the storm has past; an eerie calm has setteled in.
The eye looks down at me and smiles, it knows I am within.
September 5, 2008
Backstreet's Back Alright!
On Tuesday night I fulfilled a childhood dream. A friend and I did everything possible to make the experience as great as it could be and we succeeded. We reached ("touch the sweat! Reach farther! You want to feel the essence!"), we screamed (oh boy did we scream! "Omg!! AHHHH, I love you nick carter, marry me!!"), and we sang every word of every song as loud as possible. We weren't alone in this fanatisism. 8000 other girls filled the saddledome screaming and crying for the backstreet boys. They first arrived on the music radar when I was in grade 2. In the upper grades of elementary school they busted out their two most popular albums Backstreet's Back and Millenium, both which I proudly own and have carried them over into the new age of ipodness. In Junior High Black & Blue came out and more recently in 2007 (i think), Unbreakable came out. As far as I'm concerned the backstreet boys are legends of my generation and tuesday was a night of celebrating good times and good memories of the 90s. I remember my mom and I singing You Are My Fire on our way to a soccer game. And one summer I listened to the Millenium CD over and over on our vacation to the Okanagan. To see them in concert was AMAZING to say the least. They were excellent performers, and despite that most of the group is married and in their thirties, they still managed to bring their boyish charm to the table and cause thousands of girls to scream and reach for them (even those of us on the 2nd level! lol). One thing I will note is that Nick Carter is smoking hot in real life. He was never my favourite backstreet boy but Tuesday may have converted me to a Nick Carter lover - what a sexy voice. Unfortunately I don't think words can sum up the experience itself. Pure Awesome.
July 28, 2008
And then there was one...
Well, technically there was still 3 however two of them only worked on Sundays... Is making it a year a bad goal for jobs that pay crappy? Problem is I go back to school for the next two septembers and januarys and possibly parttime in the spring and summer of 2009. Getting a fulltime well paying job is difficult. I could lie and then quit every september but that doesn't look very good on a resume (if it's an "important" job), where as it doesn't look too bad to have a lower-end parttime job through out the entire year including during school. I want to buy a house one day (a house is big dreams... maybe an apartment or condo?), but i've been told that I need two lines of credit to be accepted for mortgage as well as evidence of a year's employment (for credit score I guess). So far I own a VISA card... and that's about it... I'm still working on the whole "down payment" thing (ie. lottery tickets? j/k). After I graduate I'll get a career and make enough money to actually pay my mortgage by myself. I'm also currently working on "making it" a year at the same job.
Okay, so how does this ramble tie into the first sentence? Let's just say I'm the only fulltime receptionist left at my work. We have two other receptionist ut both of them only work on sunday (yay, thanks for the help, eh?). Sadly I have not yet quit despite the apparent suckiness of this job. The turnover rate is atrocious. We've gone through about 4-6 receptionists since I started working here. Our assistant manager quit recently after only a year and bit of service (he's was one of the longest working employees). I keep asking myself, why do I put up with this? Well, it's a not a bad job - it's just bad money - and stressful hours and stressful because of all the turnover. I actually don't mind my job, but we aren't getting paid enough and we have little to no incentive to work towards which makes it nearly impossible to keep new employees (who learn this quite quickly) - it also ends up being the reason older employees lose faith. There's only so much work you can do without receiving some kind of reward. In order to get a 25 cent raise you must attend a good service seminar that runs about once every 6 months. If this date happens to land on an incovenient date (note: seminar date always abides by murphey's law)then you just have to wait for the next one. I can't wait to receive our little anonymous employee satisfaction letter (hoo hoo hahaha!), so I can tell 'em how it is - thyen I will ask for my vacation pay, and shortly after hand in my resignation.
July 27, 2008
Workdom
So i am sitting at work right now trying to think of something to do that will keep my eyes from shutting. It's 7:11 am and while most people are just getting up or heading to work now, I have already been at work for two hours. I'm not tired from working early though. I'm tired from a whole week of working early and the thought that I won't get a day off for another thirteen days. It is moments like this one that make me wonder what the heck I'm doing here. It seems like the past few summers have been "learning experiences". I've learned what jobs not to get. But because the summer is nearly over and uni will start very soon, I feel there's no point in quitting and then not making ANY money for the rest of the summer. I might as well stick it out and build the bank account a bit. I can't wait to go back to school. It's like a new years for me. Time to make more resolutions and get organized! (even if it only lasts a week). Plus the more work I do this semester the faster I'll be done my degree and the sooner I can start real life! I'm excited for a "back to school" shopping spree - lululemon, and staples! yay!
July 22, 2008
Girls Don't Like Boys (Girls like Cars and Money)
(Sorry a bit long)
I was thinking about a few conversations I've had with female friends who are either in a serious relationship or have escaped from one. We were talking about the idea of trust and basically ranting about how certain experiences have caused stress in our relationships. It seems (in most cases) that guys and girls are not on the same page about what trust is. For men it seems, trust is "not cheating", ie. not sleeping with someone else - for them this is a verb, not an idea. The girls I've spoken to seem to emphasize truth and openess more than anything. When I guy goes out with one of his female friends, his girlfriend wants to hear " I am going to (or I went) [insert place here] with my friend (+ her/his name, possibly connection - from work, from school, etc.)" For some reason men feel the need to "disguise" their friend's gender, name, and where they're are going, even in the most trivial senerios. Instead of openly communicating what seems to the girlfriend to be pertanent information, guys will giggle, refer to their friend as "my friend", or just brush it off all together, especially in the afce of questioning. Why not just answer the questions? Male behavior comes across to many girls as being deceptive and this to girls is what destroys trust. It is upon or after being questioned or met with a girlfriend's untrusting glares and hostile attitude toward these vague answers that men get defensive and makes statements like "we're just friends! why are you acting like this? We didn't do anything!" Even if you didn't ask them what they did or not. It is here when it seems men do not understand what part of their answers have caused their girlfriends "jealous" rage (which can actually be explained as fear that her partner is lying due to his apparent "editing" or hiding of the truth). To girls it is plain and simple: If you have nothing to hide hide nothing. Why make a story for something that is "nothing". Why hide your friend's identity if you are indeed "just friends". What is the purpose of that? In my experience, guys have said that they felt the need to lie to avoid having their girlfriend get angry. Here's a bit of insite to all the men out there: WE ARE MORE MAD THAT YOU LIED BECAUSE IT INSIUATES THERE IS SOMETHING TO BE HIDDEN, THAN WE ARE ABOUT WHAT YOU ACTUALLY DID. For example, if Peter is going to visit his female friend Tracy who just bought a new house, Peter should tell his girldfriend "I am going to visit my firend Tracy because she just bought a new house." This is an upfront honest statement. The following statement will cause Peter's girlfriend to turn evil in a split second: "I am going out with.... a friend," naturally met with the reply,"who?", "no one, just a friend." "where are you going?" "Nowhere." "WHO ARE YOU GOING WITH?" "no one... just a friend... she just need some help..." "WHO's SHE? IT's WOMAN? WHERE ARE YOU GOING? WHAT DOES SHE NEED HELP WITH? WHY DOESNT SHE CALL ANOTHER FRIEND?" "Geeze, we are just friends... she just needs some help with some stuff...".
This type of situation may have different endings for different people. For those of us who are "bottlers" this situations sucks cause it eats from the inside out. A friend once told me that one of her greatest relationship lessons was the importance of being more open about her feelings. My friend's who I grew up with shared many of the same MOSTLY male friends with me, and it is my belief now that we were too much exposed to male behaviors and thoughts. For example, after spending time with many guys you might come to the conclusion that it is a man's dreaded fear to have to listen to a women's feelings. This may be true however it does not mean that women should not tell their feeling anyways. It was this thought pattern (combined with perosnality traits of course) that I believe supported the bottling method of dealing with anger and sadness. Instead of sitting down and pulling out the old "serious relationship discussion" or expressing hurt at the time it is "inflicted", we thought it might "scare him away" or cause himt o resent us. However, in the end it only enabled his behavior - leading him to believe we were not bothered or would not get upset. In the end, I can not except even his most honest statement, it is my problem and the relationship is not meant to be. If he can not give an honest statement it is now his problem and he may have to face those dreaded little words: "to the left, to the left." So gals, in the words of Aaron Carter "Don't stress don't stress, don't stress, just tell him to the left left left...". Easier said than done. I realize there is nothing in here about cars and money - sorry for getting your hopes up.
July 19, 2008
I Got Skinned
So I was just having this memory of the worst dermatologist I've ever seen. I'm due for my yearly physical at the doctor, and while I'm there I was planning to ask him to refer me to a DIFFERENT dermatologist. Last time was hell on earth and left me without answers for the misery growing on my face. That was in January after I waited 6 months to get in. The story goes like this: Traffic was terrible that day and even though I left 40 minutes early anticipating it would be hard to find parking, I still ended up being 10 minutes late. Not to worry as doctors are always late themselves and I still spent 20 minutes in the waiting room. I filled out the background information form with difficulty as my hands were stiff and swollen, thawing out because mother nature has no mercy on those who live in Calgary and have to park downtown several blocks from their actual destination. Finally it was my turn. I was relieved and excited to finally be getting some help. It had been almost a year and the same patch of pimples hadn't cleared up, and it seemed like more were starting to pop out. I waited again in the little room until finally the dermatologist arrived. Without introduction he looked at my face and said "Well...what's the problem?" In that slightly annoyed tone as though to say "your problem isn't worth my time. That pizza face kid in the next room will pay for my porshe." Stunned at this doctors lack of empathy for me I tried to politely explain what I was there for ("i have these bumps on my nose, alot of black heads, and these under the skin pimples on my chin that won't go away"). He didn't seem too concerned and then stunned me yet again with his response. I had to hold my tongue as my mind raced through several words I could snap at him. "Well.... What do you want me to do about it?". Excuse me? You're the doctor! Obviously I want you to tell me what I can do to fix it!! I wouldn't be here if I knew what to do about it! I was more than unimpressed by this doctors rude approach to patient interaction, "well, I would like something to help it go away?". "Like what? oral meds, cream..." "Um... (Is this guy for real?) I'd prefer cream before oral medication." With that he wrote a perscription handed it to me and left the room. "Thanks for coming!" said the nurse as I left. I was dissapointed in the brief meeting (totalling approximately 3 minutes), angry at the doctors lack of respect and concern for my problem, and shocked at how unfullfilling my 6 month wait had turned out to be. I arrived twenty minutes later at shoppers to deliver my prescription. As I was standing in line I decided to read my pescription and lucky I did. "Is tetracycline the same as it used to be?" I asked the pharmacist. "Yes" he replied looking alittle bit confused of why I would ask such a silly question. "well... I'm pretty sure I'm allergic to this" I said. He typed up my name in the computer and sure enough it was listed under my allergies. You may be thinking this is my fault for not mentioning it to the dermatologist... which would be correct except that I assumed that doctors usually read those background sheets you fill out while you wait in the waiting room. Under allergies I had written tetracycline and minocycline. Apparently this doctor hadn't read my background information, and now on top of feeling insulted by my visit to the dermatologist, it had now become a completely useless experience as i could not even use the prescription that he had given me. No way in hell was I wasting another minute of my life to go back to that office for another encounter with the asshole. My money will go elsewhere. Unfortuneately my story hasn't ended and I am still plagued by the evil chin acne... it's like one of those pooh rolling beetles in my mind that has been rolling one pooh ball after another for so long that I just feel like my face is one massive ball of pooh. I just felt like saying pooh alot.
July 3, 2008
You Are What You Eat
I've been reading alot of nutritional books lately. Basically to sum them up in a few points:
1) Margarine, hydrogenated vegatable oils, and red meat = too much bad fats
2) Whole grains, vegetables, and fruits = good
3) Regulating blood sugar with low GI foods, small frequent meals and healthy snacks, and cinnimon = good
4) Omega 3 fatty acids = good
5) Limit dairy products
6) Processed foods, flour, and sugar = evil
So far all this seems to be common sense and at a glance would seem like an easy diet to follow - eat healthy, right? So my journey towards a more healthy diet started in my attempt to rid myself of the evil acne plaguing my face. I swear I've had the same zits in the same patch for over a year now and frankly put, it's just plain depressing. I'm twenty one and acne is supposed to be a teenager thing (or so I wish). I tried several strict washing regimes, and creams from the dermotologist too. I was on two different kinds over several months for the past year and a half and the only improvement I saw was that the big nasty cystic zits decreased (thank God).
Then I saw this book called the clear skin diet, which seemed interesting because it was about nutrition (one of my interests) as well as providing some education about skin and acne. Could this be my problem? Now that I've finished that book I'm onto a new book and have another few lined up for later. Edumacation here I come! Upon undertaking this nutritional perspective, although probably good in the long run, in the short term is causing alot of stress. All I want to do is try this way of living, make my own food, sample healthy recipes, etc. but I'm finding I am cramped. It's not that my kitchen is too small, or that the materials and ingredients aren't available (they are all here and more), it's that the kitchen is not mine. The food is not mine. Since I live with my family I can't just go in and weed out all the "bad stuff" in the cupboard and fridge cause it's not mine. For some reason I also find it annoying relying on food my Mom bought and I can't seem to get comfortable cooking in the kitchen because I always feel rushed like I can't just relax and cook. I have to worry about ... something... I can't put my finger on it. I just want my own space with my own cooking supplies and ingredients. I want to move out! I want to cook a meal in MY place and invite my family to eat it. But alas my income is insufficient to buy or rent in Calgary's crazy market. I can't get a full time job because I go back to school in september... I can't get a career without an education in SOMETHING but I'm half way through my degree so I have to finish it off. I guess I'm feeling the need to "grow up" but also feeling trapped or stagnant at the stage right before. Should I just take the plunge and move out? I know my parents would disagree and say its foolish to live beyond my means (wait, am I being like a kid for worrying about the disagreement of my parents?). Right now it just seems as though I am grinding it out... and life will start in two years on the completion of my degree. In the meantime things will go as they must... I'm just scared that something won't wait for me that long. Basically this rant is about how my attempt to reform my life in the way of nutrition has lead me on a domino path of thoughts and to the realization that these things are ultimately connected - moving one string in the web has caused strain on the others - unless the whole web can be moved somehow... and I ate a Mr.Big icecream bar today...
June 8, 2008
"And now.. please welcome... the amazing... bearded man!"
"What a tick, why is a man with a beard amazing?"
"That's an excellent question. I'm glad you asked because I am about to reveal the answer."
*drum roll*
"This man can not only grow hair on his face... but! he can grow this very hair at will! Please allow him to demonstrate the '50 second second shadow'"
"In just 50 seconds he will go from being your everyday clean shaven gentleman, to hobo/terrorist status. Amazing! Please refrain from flash photography as there is residue on the ground that is light flamable. Thank you."
"Wow! Wonderful! In just under one minute Khaled has grown a full beard! Tips are welcome."
Anyways, I have an idea for my blog. I recently logged on toa website which I haven't visited in over a year. You bmay remember "nexopia". Yes, shamefully, my curiosity took the best of me and I did discover that the only person I know who has been on that website since summer 2007 is my cousin who sadly updated her blog yesterday - ouch. I read my blog and I must say it is quite impressive. I thought I should import those blogs into an archive file on this one. Most of them are just song lyrics with neat pictures but they're pretty well put together in my humble opinion. That would be cool right? I still haven't seen the movie sex and the city but accordining to everyone else who has seen it it's pretty good. I did however see Iron Man, which was an excellent movie if I do say so myself. The most impressive part was that they managed to put actors and actresses in roles that they actually fit! Like the personality and look of the actor matched well with the character. No Orlando Blooms playing mighty warriors or Kirsten Dunsts playing love ineterests (both of which would never happen in real life!). I reccomend that movie.
June 2, 2008
Lesson Day 3: You Do Not Know The Real Meaning of What You See. So after my grandpa passed away mid May my family has been thrust into the realm of "deep thought". People cope differently with death and it seems that it brings about sides of people that you don't expect. For example, my sister seems like a very calm collected person, or what some might describe as a "cold fish", but of all the people in my family she seemed to have the most emotional reaction to the whole thing even up til this day. Today my sister and I went on a "vision quest"... basically we drove to the rockey view hospital to walk down a hall way because she kept having strong feelings to go there - nothing happened... then she said we needed to visit my grandma so we headed over there. It was a fairly regular visit. The only "paranormal" activity that might have occured was that the radio turned on by itself and started playing some Barbra Streisand song. We've been exploring deeper into spiritual paths lately. I read a few book about angels and they were pretty interesting and thought provoking. I haven't been too emotional - I don't really feel like he's gone because I know he believed that the spirit was an energy that would live on in the world and that is what I feel happened as well. He isn't gone... just... in a different place, a better place. My Aunt's mother in law is a Reiki master (type of energy manipulation/healing practice for relaxation) and apparently she can see auras and angels. She said she saw his angel appear to her while doing a Reiki treatment on a patient and he thanked her for the treatment she did with him his last few days in the hospital. She says that day she saw the angels waiting for him above his bed. I'm going to believe her - I felt some calm energy in that room the 2nd last day. On another less spiritual note... I trying to find a second job. I could probably rant forever about the stupid stuff in my current job but I'll save that for another blog with less of a "peaceful" theme. For now I just hope for the best tomorrow in my interview.