May 1
I finally got some sleep last night and feel better today. I need to learn a new way of dealing with all the stress I guess, either that or take a few days off. Maybe I can find someone to watch mom for a day. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
May 2
I spent a restless night thinking. A few have mentioned to me via
e-mail and telephone that I seem to have become very standoffish
lately. Not really sharing my emotions and being pretty short. I
analyzed all night and found that it is true, however, I feel I
have no other choice right now. I have had to put a wall around my
emotions, else lose it completely. My heart is heavy with concern
for all of you that have shared with me your situations, I pray
for all, each and every night. I was raised by a single, alcoholic,
abusive mother. I began running away at 14 to get away from her. I
fought my entire life to not be like her. She had two boys, then a girl. I was single,
I had two boys, then a tubal ligation at 24 to stop that similarity.
I moved to Washington state in 1978 to really get away, who came
with me, mom. Her son's weren't there for her and my guilt was. I
tried to live my life but, mom was always a fixture in it. Always abusive,
drinking until 1995, when she moved in with me. I always excused
her abusiveness on her alcoholism, now I excuse it on the Alzheimers.
She complains about being lonely, depressed, unhappy, bored, well excuse me.
I don't have alot of time to 'play' with her. I have to clean up
after everyone, wash her bedding and all of her panties everyday,
scrub the carpet in front of her commode everyday, sanitize the main
bathroom and toilet everyday, wait on her hand and foot all day, even
though she can walk without assistance and knows where the coffee and
fridge are. I have don't have time to be depressed, unhappy, bored or lonely
because I am too busy being worried, stressed, anxious and tired.
Where is the food going to come from? The light bill is high because she has to have
a sauna going all the time. How am I going to pay the bills with little or no income?
I start a day care, get one guy to come just so mom has something
else to complain about, least I forget, I am also going to start
cleaning someone else's toilet, starting Saturday, so I can get a few
more dollars. I'll really pay for that when I get home, " See, I told you
that you didn't love me or you wouldn't have left me with someone else!!"
I have both my boys home again. David's wife decided that she didn't want
him around anymore so.... He is devistated. I won't be
seeing grand-daughters much anymore now. Robert and his fiancee'
still live with me, neither can find work and to top it off, my brother
is coming back down. He claims just for a few days for mom's birthday
and mother's day but........So, now you see why I put up a wall. If
I didn't they would come for me with a little white coat. I am sorry if I come
off as being standoffish or unemotional when I write back. It is
not my intention. Please bear with me and keep me in your prayers.
May 3
We had a good time last night. Robert, Crystal, mom and I played 10,000
until 1:30am. They convinced me to play my old 45's, which we did
until 3:30am. It was fun. Mom even enjoyed herself. I played some
Patsy Cline for her and she sang along. Imagine that. Mom did good
until about 4:45am, she got up from bed wanting to know where she
was. She decided that she had to pack and leave, her children would
be worried, her mom too. This went on until 7:30 this morning. I finally
got her calmed down and she went to sleep until noon. She is fine
right now and remembers what we did last night and that she was being
weird this morning. It's funny, she says that when that Alzheimers
takes over she can feel it, it is like a very bad headache and there is
nothing that she can do to stop it. I wonder if this is real?
May 4
Last night was terrible..I still haven't been to sleep. Mom was
having bad dreams or something. She didn't get up but was crying out
in her sleep. This is a first. She did alot of 'hand twitling'(sp)
and staring into space before she went to bed. Sometimes I don't
think she has AD as much as some type of mental disorder. I have
never heard of anyone with AD knowing that 'it' was happening or
remembering that 'it' had. God, I wish there were a definative
way of diagnosing AD(pre-mortem) rather than ruling out other causes and then
thinking that it probably is AD. She has had all the routine tests
but, nothing conclusive was ever found. Researchers hurry up!!!!
May 5
Merv just got here. He is in a great mood today, hope mom will be.
She has to take her Lasix today and really hates it so she may not
be. I was able to get some sleep last night. Mom went to bed at
midnight and slept through. She was thinking that she had to go to
the 'other place' and get her stuff before it got stolen, I told her
we would do it early in the morning if she got to sleep, it seemed
to work. I wasn't able to start that house cleaning job Sat., my
breaks went out. Just what I needed. Good news though, David is back
home. They are trying to work out their troubles. I sure hope
they can. Crystal's 18th b'day is tomorrow, she is going to watch
Merv and mom for a few hours today so I can get out to the store.
I think she and Robert will be getting married before long. She is
a good person and they make a good couple so, it is o.k. by me.
May 6,
Yesterday was good. I got out of the house for a few hours. I went
shopping for a birthday present for Crystal. I decided t get her
a couple photo albums, one for me to put childhood photos of Robert
in for her to keep and one for her to start. Robert got her an
ENGAGEMENT RING!! Mom was none too happy with me for being gone but,
it didn't last long. She actually went to bed at 9pm, of course I
made her get up at 9am. I sat up on the computer instead of going to
bed, dumb, I know. I am starting a CHAT ROOM from my site, it will
be an online Alzheimers Support Group. Keep checking my
HOME page, I should have it up and running in a few days.
10:30pm We had a pretty good day. Crystall had a fun birthday, when Robert gave her the engagement ring we all cheered. David, his wife, Melody, and the girls came over for dinner and cake and ice cream. Melody wrote her first e-mail. Mom did pretty good, she is being VERY confused right now. She asked me to stop at the next gas station so she could go pee, she is sitting in her recliner! The family got a dose of what life is like with mom tonight, they were surprised. Well we are going to bed now, maybe that will help bring mom around. I got my CHAT ROOM up and running. I hope that it provides some help
May 7
Leena just called, I may not have Merv today. She said that he is having
some problems this morn and she is taking him to the doctor, he'll
be here if she can get him in early. Now what am I going to do with my
day? Mom slept like a baby once I got her calmed down. She is still
in bed. I think I'll spend some time this morning working in the
garden, it is suppose to be nice today.
May 8
Merv just got here, he wound coming at 10am yesterday, had a case of
acid reflux. We had a BBQ. Mom even wanted to eat outside 'for a change'.
While we were eating she began thinking that we were on the road
again, stopping to fix dinner like we used to. God how I wish that
were true. I get antsy when the weather gets nice, I feel the need
for a nice long 'walkabout'. Robert and Crystal have set the date,
August 24th. At least I have 3 months to prepare and get over EMPTY NEST.
He's my baby.
May 9
Yesterday was terrible. Mom was in a terrible mood. She got mad at me for getting her up
at NOON, 'She's old enough to get up when she wants to!!'. She was mean and
nasty to everyone, including Merv. I thought it would be nice for
all of us to go out to dinner, mom was cussing out the other drivers
because they wouldn't move. The first thing that she tried to find
on the menu were the drinks (beer), then she got mad because I paid
for dinner when she thought she had and then yelled at me for spending
all her money and notified me that she was going to get her own
place again because 'It just working out like this.' She yelled at Robert
and told him to go to hell. When we got home she wouldn't talk to
anyone, got mad again because I told her it was bedtime, 'G--D--- it,
I'll go to bed when I feel like it. You're not my boss. I'd rather
be dead than have to listen to you all the time. I'm moving!'. I told
her she has one of two choices, me or a nursing home, take your pick.
This shut her up and she went to bed pouting, refused her bedtime meds.,
and wouldn't let me help her get into bed. I am letting her sleep all damn
day if she wants, just so I can have a few hours of peace. My brother
is coming down tonight for Mothers Day weekend, he can deal with her tonight.
I'm too tired today to listen to her.
May 10
My brother got here last night, he saw how mom has been to me. She went
off on me again, 'I can't understand how a daughter could treat a mother
the way you treat me. Why do you hate me so much? I want all of my money,
I am leaving this f---ing place right now!' I thought that if I let her
sleep in she would be in a better mood, she didn't get up until 2:30pm,
and she was just as mean. Yelling at me because I didn't wake her
up earlier. A no win situation. At least my brother can watch her
for me this weekend, I hope. He doesn't deal with her moods very
well, sometimes he makes her worse by argueing with her. I know that
she doesn't know what she is saying but, that doesn't make it hurt
less. I slept in today and everybody else is still sleeping, so I
think I'll go plant something or something.
May 12
I hope everyone had a great MOTHER'S DAY. This weekend turned out
to be pretty uneventful as far as mom goes. She kept forgetting that
it was Mother's Day, so she didn't dwell on my grandma's death much.
We BBQ'd and ate outside which mom enjoyed, although the great
weather made her think we were still in California and she was
glad of that. We actually hit 90 and are staying in the 80's all
week. HURRAY. Today Merv has to try to start doing for himself.
He won't be back after friday and will be home alone, soo. Speaking
of which, he just pulled in.
Today has been pretty good. My brother is staying over a couple days. He is going to help me with the yard. I finally got my fence up, thank God, my female Rottie came in heat today, only 7 1/2 months old, at least I'll know where she is. I got all kinds of plants from the nursery today, so we'll be busy planting them. I wish I could go out during the day but, Merv needs me inside. At least mom can get up by herself to go potty, he can't. Oh well, it pays the bills :-)
May 13
This morning is beautiful. There is a fog just down the hill, you can
see it rolling as the sun breaks through. It reminds me of my grandma's
farm in Fresno. You could smell the hay so well when the fog was on it.
I miss it. We are in for another wonderful day. Hopefully I can get
mom and Merv outside for a little bit, they would feel so much
better with the fresh air and sunshine on them.
May 14
Surprise. Mom got up early this morning. She wanted to have breakfast
with my brother before he left. She isn't even in a bad mood :-)
She is sleeping in the chair however, along side a sleeping Merv. We got
alot done in the yesterday, good thing. It started raining this morning.
It is only suppose to last a little while. I can't wait to see how
pretty the flowers are going to be. Mom is anxious too. She isn't
really to sure why but, anxious none the less.
May 15
Things have been pretty uneventful here. Mom is still more confused
than ever. She doesn't remember Mother's Day, thinks I stole the
remote for her t.v., needs to go back to the 'other' place and
get her clothes. Her hallucinations are increasing, she keeps seeing
little kids and other women running around and wants to know where
they went. I just tell her that they went home. I doesn't do any
good trying to explain. She is still sleeping, last night was another
roaming around night.
May 16
Yesterday was pretty good. Mom was out there most of the day and night
but, she was in a good mood. I watched my grand-daughters for a few
hours and they played with Granny alot, which mom enjoyed. My little
one, Kali, she is three in July, almost made me cry. She looked up
at me with her big shinning blue eyes and said," Nanna, you're the
best Nanna in the whole world." Gosh I needed to hear that. She gave
me big monster hugs and kisses. It was time to give mom her evening
meds. and of course my little helpers had to take them and water to
Granny. Jaide, my oldest one is 7, she asked me what all the pills
do, I told her but, when it came to the Ginko and maybe helping
Granny get her memory back or make it better, Kali, with her
innocent self says, " It didn't work Nanna, Sorry." God I love those
girls. Merv isn't here yet, won't be until 10 or so then he is leaving
at 3, doctor appointments today. Tomorrow is mom's 82 B'DAY. I am
taking her to a POWWOW. She really enjoys those. My friends husband
Danny is a dancer in the Grand Entry. It should be fun.
May 17
I got the garden done last night. I also ran into a swarm of mosquitos,
they had a hay day with me. I am allergic to them and am so swollen
today. I can barely see out of the little slits called eyes. Mom says
I look like I lost the fight. My brother is here this weekend for
mom's B'DAY. We are going to have the family over for BBQ and cake.
I hope that mom forgets what tomorrow is, 2yrs. that grandma has been gone.
May 19
This weekend was the worst. My brother and I got into a hugh fight
Saturday. I am tired of him coming down drunk and staying drunk while
he is here and I told him so Saturday, after he woke up from being passed out for two hours.
Even mom, in her condition, says that is the only thing that we
can depend on from him. He says he feels like he is at camp when
he is here, can relax etc.. It sure doesn't feel like a camp to me.
I need him to be sober so I can get a break too, so WE don't have to
stress out because of him drinking. Oh God! I realized Sunday that
I hate my life, because I don't have one. There is no joy in it just
sorrow and depression. I am not living, just being alive. I have
never been one to complain, it seems that is all I do now, whine and complain.
I really feel I need a break for several days or I will lose my mind, what little I have left,
however, my not being around causes mom to really lose it and I just
can't do that. CATCH 22.
May 20
Yesterday was sure a lot better. Merv did come. His wife said that he
would be having surgery but, doesn't know when just yet, waiting on
the doctor to schedule it. He left at 3:30 for his foot doctor appointment. Mom was in a wonderful mood. She hasn't been
that nice or happy in a very long time. Crystal and I went out and
look at wedding dresses, boy are they expensive!! She and her mom
are going down to Eugene Saturday to a discount shop to look. Hopefully
they will find one there. I am getting excited about the wedding.
It is going to be small and non-extravagant but, the reception is
going to be here. Lots of cooking and cleaning and decorating.
May 21
Things seem to have calmed down around here. Mom has been quite enjoyable
lately. She has been joking around and laughing(at appropriate times).
She is looking forward to going to the Dodger/Mariner's game in Seattle
on July 14. She still likes baseball and remembers Ol'Tommy. We
have been watching sports alot on t.v. too. She wants to help me make
cookies today, although I am dieting. I sure wish everyday could
be like the past few have been.
May 22
I reached 7000 visitors today. That is 7000 with more awareness about Alzheimers :-)
I have a favor. If anyone has information about being DEAF with AD or DEAF and dealing with another with AD please E-MAIL me. I have a very sweet young lady who's dad has AD and she is deaf and needs the info for school. Thanks.
I am just waiting for THE STORM. Yesterday was pretty calm too. That makes me leary, too many calm days in a row. Although mom wasn't in a very good mood, she wasn't nasty. She has been having nightmares the past couple nights, cussing out someone and telling them to get out!! Merv shoul be here soon, he is having his surgery(eye) nexy Friday so it will be a short week for me. I can get caught up with chores then.
May 23
TGIF. I am so glad the weekend is here. The last two have been very
hectic, this one will be slowed down. We have rain today and tomorrow
so I can stay inside and really clean. I think my son and his
famiy will be up Monday for dinner, he is umping a softball tourney
this weekend so I'm not sure. I have alot of flower placing to do
Sunday, too many friends that have gone. Mom is beginning to get
upset again. She was pretty far gone last night, always thinking
that we/she is just visiting and should leave. It gets hard to
convince her that it is o.k.
May 24
I got a late start today, mom was wandering all night. She had
her night gown on, tennis shoes, purse, paper bag filled with
everything, pictures tucked under her arm and was ready to leave
at 3:00 this morning. She is really getting alot worse at night.
Around 9:30 every night she starts thinking that she is visiting
somewhere and needs to get home. Sometimes getting her in her
room helps because she is familiar with it, other times she thinks
it is a guest room. She is also beginning to forget how to get up
from a chair, how to walk, where the bathroom is, comb her hair,
chew food(scares me!!!), turn on her hearing aide, how to put the
belts on her depends or when she last changed it. I knew this was
inevitable, but........................
May 25
Last night was better. Mom slept through which surprised me because
slept most of the day in her chair. She was still very confused
most of the time. She was asking about my Uncle Dick, worried about
him and low and be hold his daughter, my cousin Dixie called this
morning. WEIRD. Uncle Dick fell three weeks ago and broke his femur
just below his plastic hip and his humorous just below the shoulder.
Guess mom had cause to be worried. We'll call him today when mom
gets up,it is 1:00 and she is still sleeping. I really wish I could
sleep that much, just once. I noticed last night when putting mom
to bed that her ankles have alot more edema and blueing. The doctor
said to watch for this since there is history of Congestive Heart Failure
in our family, this is what took grandma.
May 26
HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY
Mom was pretty good last night. I put a note in her room stating
her name, where she lives, who I am, where I sleep etc. and it seemed
to help. I did that when she first moved in with me too. It didn't
take long for her to stop packing that time. Hope it works that
well this time. We aren't doing much today, just a kicked back day.
I went to the cemetaries yesterday so that is done. Maybe I can
get some yard work done today.
I just got off the phone with my oldest brother, Don, in California. He was in the hospital last week, which is why he didn't call mom for M'day or her B'day. He has CONGESTIVE HEART DISEASE!!!!! He got pneumonia and the doctor rushed him into the hospital. He says he is o.k. now but.. He still doesn't feel well. If he goes I don't know what I'll do, I can't tell my mom.. She would really freak out. I have to get her down there to see him real soon, but how??? It's been almost 4 years since they last saw each other. Please people, don't wait until it's too late to say all the things you want to say or need to say. Life is far too short to leave issues unresolved just because you're afraid of what others might think. The hell with them. Do it for yourselves, for your loved ones. I wish I had of, now it is too late.
May 27
Well, Merv is here. He seems so sad most of the time. Wish I could
cheer him up. Mom slept last night after needing this or that until
2:20am. She thought we were in California and needed to get packed
to come home. I told her we were staing another night and to go to
sleep, it worked. I hope she is in a good mood today, two in bad ones
is hard!!
I am having some problems with my software, I setup win'95 now nothing much wants to work. I will update tomorrow if possible, check back.
May 28
I had to uninstall win'95 to get my stuff to work. Guess I'll have to
go visit their site and ask some questions. Boy Merv, was sure in a
bad mood yesterday, he made me angry. Mom has asked him 100's of
times if he drinks coffee, she asked again and he yelled at her 'I've
told you NO! a 100 times already. Her face about feel off, not understanding
why he would talk to her like that. I let him know that behavior was
unacceptable and he would do good to remember that HER memory hasn't
gotten any better. He doesn't really care for mom because she is
always saying that she's sorry for bothering me and she wishes she
could so for herself and not be a burden etc... Merv on the other hand
doesn't want to help himself. he just doesn't care about anything
anymore, which he has told me. He is capable of doing some things
but doesn't. I hope he isn't as honery today.
Well, he was. I don't know why he is being so nasty. Mom even had her fill of him today, she told him to stop feeling sorry for himself and that if all he could do was talk about dieing and wishing he were then he should shut up! I don't know if all of this is good for mom, she gets really angry when he is acting up. He was so nice in the beginning, I wonder if things are all right at home?
May 29
Merv is in a worse mood today. I'm glad he won't be here tomorrow
, a three day weekend for us. Mom was in a really good mood last
night, laughing and carring on. She slept through the night too.
HURRAY. My brother, Don, is going to the doctor today, I'll call
him later to see what's up. I still haven't told mom about him or
Uncle Dick. She is going to write the letters today.
May 31
I wasn't able to get in yesterday to update, GeoCities was down.
We talked to my brother, Don. The doctor said his heart is enlarged
1.5 cm and he has to go in every two weeks for check-ups. Don says
he feels o.k., he is one of those that accepts things the way they are
so he isn't worried, if it is his time he is ready. It has been nice
not having Merv around for a few days. Mom and I went out to dinner
last night and had a good time. We were going to play pool but it
was too cold inside for mom. We have had rain with temps around 73
all week so it has been very humid, so businesses crank up the air
conditioners. We had fun anyway though. She slept real good too. I
am redoing my bathroom walls today, stripping the old wallpaper and
painting. I am having some real problems with the CHAT ROOM. Most
of the time it won't let anyone in so I think I may pull it until
I can get a better server. It is a good idea but, frustrating not
to be able to access it.
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