My Journal
September - 1998
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October 1998
I have a page, Sharing and Caring,
that contains e-mail addresses of those
that wish to network with others that are experiencing the same
troubles. If you would like to have your e-mail address included
please go back to HOME and provide the information.
September 1st
September 2nd
September 3rd
September 5th
September 6th
September 7th
September 9th
September 11th
September 13th
September 14th
September 15th
September 16th
September 17th
September 18th
September 19th
September 20th
September 21st
September 22nd
September 23 rd
September 24th
September 28th
September 29th
September 30th
Mom's doctor appointment for today was cancelled. It was to go over the results from her last visit but since the doctor didn't do the pelvic because of her hip it wasn't necessary to go. She is still staying in bed most times. getting up to use the commode and bathe sometimes. She is still breathing funny and swallowing a lot of air which makes her bloated and feeling like she is going to vomit. This stuff all started about 3 weeks ago. I have tried to get her to breath normally but she reverts back to the shallow, rapid breathing as soon as I am not looking and the gulping of air. I get to give her a Fleet today, oh for JOY. She has had two bm's since starting the Darvon and what she has expelled isn't really anything. Perhaps this will help with the stomach stuff.
I did a little experiment with mom today. I got her up to the living room at dinner time and kept her there until 11:00 at which time I put her bed. She was without pain medication until 10:15 when I gave her the two Darvon that she takes at night. I watched her become influenced by the medication; she became anxious, her breathing became shallow and short, her mouth became dry, confusion, aggitation set in at the idea of going to bed, her complaining of pain increased. SO, now I know it is the Darvon causing her to breath funny and swallow so much air. She had been normal before taking it. I am calling the doctor tomorrow to tell him about this and ask for something different.I am feeling rather anxious tonight myself, we have a wild fire, burning out of control at this time, just 4 miles from me (as the crow flies). I sure hope the wind doesn't whip it around this way.
I was up with mom all night last night due to the pain in her hip, she was trying so hard not to cry but the pain was so bad she just couldn't. The medication wasn't working at all, nothing seemed to help her. I felt so helpless, unable to provide her with any comfort. I got a hold of mom's orthopedist today and took her in at 4:30. They took new x-rays which showed that it hasn't healed at all. In fact, these x-rays showed how bad the break is. Her femorl head has seperated from the neck and they are rubbing on each other. She is to have surgery on Wednesday the 9th, a prothesis will be inserted to replace the head and neck with a stem inserted into the femur. Once inside the doctor will decide if the socket needs replacing also. I feel so bad for mom, all this suffering for absolutely no reason. I will not be online much these next few days, mom is requiring much more attention now and I must tend to her first and foremost. I know all of you understand this and I ask for your prayers that mom does well with the surgery. If you need to e-mail me with a question or for support, please place URGENT in the subject line, I will get back to you.
Today has been terrible. I am going on three days of no sleep. Momhas been throwing up since last night. We got the result of the pre-surgery tests and she has another UTI. She is back on anitbiotics and Vagitstat for the yeast infection caused by the antibiotics, also taking suppositors for the vomiting, which aren't working. She can't hold anything down, not meds., not food solids or liquids. She can't sleep because of the pain and the vomiting. I had to wash down the wall, the carpet and her bed including the mattress today not to mention mom three times. AHHHH. I am so tired I can't see straight.
Mom began vomiting Thursday night. Not too bad at first but increased by
Friday night. She was actually wretching. By Saturday morning she was in
very bad shape, we had been up all night and she was unable to hold
anything down. I called the doctor's office and relayed this information to
the nurse on duty, along with the fact that her vomit was black in color as
were her stools, she couldn't take any of her meds. as they would not stay
done. They informed me that the test results from pre-surgery tests were in
and that mom had another UTI so they put her on antibiotics again and
Compazine suppositiors for the vomiting. The color, I was told, was do to
the BILE coming up not blood as I had questioned. Since she didn't have
anything else left on her tummy this was normal.
My mom was admitted to the hospital today with severe GI bleeding, very low
blood count, dehydration, raging UTI. She is now being transfused with two
units, has IV pain meds., antibiotics and saline. She has a nose tube and
cath. Her surgery has been put on hold until they can stablizer her.
I guess I should just stop expecting anything but incompetence from
doctors. I understand why my mother is afraid of them. Why shouldn't she
be. I will never be able to believe what a doctor tells me. I will always
question their competence and integrity. I know intelectually that not all
doctors are alike, however, my emotions will override this.
It is 6:30 am, mom had a fair night. She pulled out the nose tube but is dealing pretty well with the IV and leads for the heart monitor. Her levels are coming up and no vomiting. I explained to the doctor on call last night that I am a bitch, don't trust him or any other doctors at this point so he needs to deal with it and watch his p's and q's because I sure was. He became very concerned after hearing all the crap the doctors have put us through the last few months. He took good care of mom and made sure she was comfortable with the pain and gave her meds. to help her sleep. I am on the way back to the hospital to see her regular GP while he is on rounds and to be there when she has the scope done.
Mom had her hip replacement surgery this morning after doing battle again, she did great with the surgery and is resting now so I made it home for a few hours. She was very sore and anxious yesterday after the Endoscopy, they put her in restraints because they came in and found her sitting on the edge of the bed. She was trying to go to the bathroom, they explained to her that she needed to stay in bed and had a cath so she didn't need to go, well, she wanted to go poop, she still hasn't done so since she isn't suppose to. I stayed with her all her night so they removed the restraints, she was restless all night and in lots of pain. The GI doctor found that the vomiting had caused her esophagus to ulcerate which had caused all the internal bleeding.
Mom is doing very well from her surgery. PT got her up yesterday and she took three steps on her new hip and sat in the recliner for several hours. Her appetite isn't too good yet but I feel that is do to her being constipated. They gave her a suppositor this evening after two Fleets failed. She is anxious to come home but is dealing with being in the hospital pretty well. She isn't confused very much at all. The doctor removed the drain tube from her leg today and said he was pleased with her recovery, he plans on removing the cath tomorrow. She hasn't needed any more blood since Monday and hopefully won't. I have been able to be home a little more often this time, not having to spend every hour with mom. She knows I have things to do here in preparation for her return and is O.K. with it.
Mom is still doing pretty well. She has finally had several BM's, thank God they came in the hospital, LOL, poor nurses..As far as I now she is coming home tomorrow. I will find out in the morning after the doctor does his rounds. I sure hope she does, I really miss the old gal. I got a call today from one of my cyber friends, it sure felt good to talk with her and put a voice to the name. I told mom about it and she was very happy.
Well, after waiting all day for mom to come home I got a call saying she wasn't until tomorrow. Seems her blood protein level is down too far yet. The doctor put her on a high protein non-dairy drink until tomorrow afternoon to see if that will help, if so she will come home in the afternoon. She is coming along well with her PT, walking quiet far actually and not in too much pain either. I worked with the PT today in transferring her and walking her, we did well and they are satisfied I will be able to aide her recovery.
Mom came home today, arriving by ambulance at 5:00 p.m. She is doing wonderful. She didn't eat much in the hospital, who could blame her (LOL), which had the doctors concerned about her protein level. She ate dinner tonight; meat loaf, mashed poatatoes, corn, Ensure and cake.
She had to walk to her room at bedtime which is about 50 feet from her recliner. She did it without complaint and without too much assistance, except for her walker and a reassuring hand. Getting her up was alot easier than I thought it would be and putting her into the bed was easy too, immobilizer and all.
Her memory didn't deteriorate being away either, which I am so thankful for. She knew she was home, cried at the thought of it, wondered why the remodeling wasn't done yet and wanted the dogs in the house with her, after all, they missed her too.
I realized while she was gone just how much I love her and missed her. I thought I was prepared for the time of her final departure but it is true, we really never are. I am happy that she is home with me once again, God willing she will be here for some time to come. I thank him for returning her to me and I thank all of you for your love.
Today, being the first full day with mom home was pretty uneventful. She ate breakfast, rested, did her pt, then came out to the living room for the day. However, I was unable to sleep last night, worried that I wouldn't her mom should she call me and the 'one ear/eye open' trick wasn't working. We both took a nap in our recliners this afternoon which helped me. Mom didn't eat much dinner, she was still full from lunch but she did drink her Ensure, which the doctor just put her on. She was ready for bed at 9:30 and walked to her room without trouble. Now, I get to go to bed and sleep, I hope.
Today is my 2nd Anniversary on the Net.
The Community Home Health Nurse was here today. They will be coming back on the 23rd to remove mom’s staples, he said mom was doing very good and her incision was healing very well. She has sure been keeping us awake. She is back to sleeping for a few then awake for hours and back again, I am pooped. She is walking pretty well however, today she walked from the commode to her bed without the walker just with me holding her hand. I got mom off one medication, PROPULSID, due to a side effect that was affecting her. An uncommon one is throat constriction, which I believe is the cause of her current swallowing difficulties. I questioned the doctor about this and he agreed she should discontinue it.
Boy mom has been keeping me running. She can’t sleep at night and is yelling or buzzing for me every 10 minutes, for no reason. I go in and she just wants to know what I am doing, where I am, how things are etc….I tell her I am sleeping or whatever and she says sorry but then does it again in a few minutes. I called her doctor and he said I could give her some Excedrin PM to help her sleep, I will do this tonight.
Well the Excedrin didn't work. Mom was awake almost all night. The immobilizer is driving her nuts and me along with it. I am now sleeping between calls and buzzes, AHHHH. I am going to try something different today. I got her up and out to the living room at 10:30 this morning, tried to keep her awake all day but she kept napping off and on all day. She is eating good now without any swallowing difficulties and requesting stuff too. She is being very demanding of my time, wanting this and that all the time. I got her back to bed at 10:00 tonight and gave her medications to her, the doctor let me give her a sleeping aide, not sleeping pill, like Sominex but different. I sure hope it works.
Kathy, you have been gone from us for a year today. It sure feels like I have been missing you longer than that. When mom was in the hospital I went to the lake and fed the ducks, remembering how they would chase you around made me laugh, of course you could always do that to me. I amazed myself the other day, I saw I had groups of three's on the wall, figured you had been here rearranging things again. I miss you girl.
Mom slept all night last night, she didn't wake up until 11:00. I died when my head hit the pillow, an earthquake would not have awakened me. It felt so good to wake up this morning feeling somewhat rested. I got mom out to her chair for the day and she watched me scrape more wallpaper off. Her incision is somewhat infected and she was started back on antibiotics last night, but despite this, she is still an eager beaver, wanting to try on her own.
Today was a good one, sort of. Mom had to stay in bed until my brother got home from work because I have a pinch in my shoulder that has rendered my right arm useless and I didn't feel comfortable moving her around alone, but she was o.k. with that and wanted to help me instead. When he did get home he went right to mom, got her dressed and out to the recliner. He cared for her all the day and night, even toileting her, what a difference for him to do this. I was actually impressed with his attitude about caring for her, he did a good job and mom was pleased that I didn't have to do any heavy lifting (of course she says if I didn't cook so darn good it wouldn't be heavy lifting, SMILE). She has slept through the night now for the past two nights. She gets her staples out tomorrow, I am hopeful this will ease some of her pain.
Mom got her staples out today. The nurse said her incision was coming along just fine, her BP, resp., lungs and temp were good. The infection is clearing up great too, no more redness or tenderness around the area. Mom is still walking pretty well with the walker with the occasional jaunt on her own. She is sleeping nights again which I am Oh so happy about. She goes back to both doctors on October 9th for re-checks etc..Mom's memory continues to improve also. It is a slow process but noticable changes have occured. At this point it is rather sporadic, which I believe is due to the pain medications, we shall see once they are stopped.
Mom is getting better, she is being rude and mean as usual with me. Nothing I do is good enough for her, I either wipe her too hard or not well enough, pull her hearing aide out too rough or put it in too hard, pull out all her hair when I brush it, don't wash her glasses well, give her cold coffee, don't feed her enough yet she doesn't eat when I do - not until it gets cold then has to be warmed up, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING is right for her. I am so mean because I make her walk and do her therapy, I have no feelings for her at all, if I did I wouldn't make her do anything but stay in bed until she gets better. AHHHH. This is making me so stressed out. As if there isn't other stuff going on in my life that is stressing me out. I have severe money troubles from not working in order to care for mom, remodeling my house which is going to keep me offline for about a week because of the drywall, mud, sanding and texturing(Thank God for friends, no money involved), my kids are having financial troubles, my brother is here, I have 5 dogs running all over because of the rain I have been praying for, they don't have a dog house,I can't sleep because I ache so much not that mom would let me sleep much anyway. At times like this I wish she were living elsewhere, but that would be an easy cop out. Keep her when she is nice but not when she is like this. I feel guilty for feeling like this but it just gets so hard sometimes. Guess I've ranted long enough.
This weekend has been terrible. Mom is doing o.k. althought she did take a spill Saturday evening. She didn't exactly fall but she did go down to the floor. I had ahold of her thank God or she would have been really hurt. There don't seem to be any lasting effects from this, she is walking still and not complaining of any additional pain. My brother and I got into it again Saturday night also. I will be very glad when he leaves, he is just one of those people that no one seems to be able to get along with for long, I know I can't. My wallpaper is all down, the drywall in the new room is up now just to get the mudding, taping and sanding done.
Today started out to be a wonderful day, until I fully woke up. I had dreamed of just getting off work, stopping at Kentucky Fried Chicken to get a tub for a family gathering at the park. My grand-daughters and I played on the equipment and rolled around in the grass, laughing so loud all could hear us. The sun was shinning, it was just warm enough and I felt great, not even tired after a long day. When I first woke I still felt rather euphoric, that is until mom banged on the wall and brought me back into a sharp reality. She was soaked from head to toe, angry because I had to get her up in order to change her and the bed. Yes, reality had set in. I became depressed as the day wore on, remembering my dream with all to much clarity, no matter how I tried I couldn’t shake the blues. I had brought mom out to the recliner at noon for lunch and there she stayed, not wanting to do anything, except talk on and on about things that weren’t real, like my dream. I was in no mood for conversation with anyone so I just gave short monosyllabic replies. I fixed dinner, baked fresh Salmon, tater tots and mixed vegetables. It was good, mom even ate her entire dinner without a fuss, this made me feel somewhat better, at least something had gone right today. I was beginning to come out of the doldrums when mom had to go to the bathroom, this was fine, no problem. She has been walking to the bathroom for several days now so it was no big deal, that is until we got back to the recliner. She got right in front of it, short of sideways and yelled for me to catch her. I was right behind her, experience is a good teacher, I told her she wasn’t going to fall and she proceeded to try and show me that she was. She intentionally went limp, right into my arms and fought me when I tried to get her upright again, all the while being an "I told you so’er." I finally yelled at her and told her if she didn’t stop this crap she was going into a nursing home because I couldn’t take it anymore, this is not the first time she has done this. I guess she figured she was a little stronger than she thought because she straightened up real fast. Mom has always been one to intentionally do things. I remember coming home from grade school to find her ‘passed out’ on the floor, nothing was really wrong with her, she just did it for the hell of it, but it sure scared this 6 year old pretty bad, at least for the first year or so after that it was normal behavior. I went to the store this evening, my brother stayed with mom while I was gone, I had a panic/anxiety attack: Panic that I would come home and find her on the floor with something else broken and Anxious that I would run into someone I know who would ask how I was and I just break down in uncontrollable tears. God what a horrible feeling. So now I find myself doing self-analysis; Is all this the result of the past few months of very demanding care and the garbage with the doctors, the surgery etc.? Is it from the past 3 plus years of caregiving to mom that has finally caught up with me? Is it the years of being raised by her that are haunting me? Is it just that I am totally exhausted? Hmmmmmmmmm, points to ponder.
Well, no dreams today to manipulate me, thank God. Mom was even in a good mood most of the time. She gets real grouchy when she gets tired and wants to go to bed at 8:00 and I won't let her. If I did she would be up from 3:00 on and I can't handle those hours anymore, so I put up with the grouchiness. I did get a pleasant surprise today, I have lost weight, 13 pounds so far and mom has gained 5 back. Not too bad for either of us. She is still on Ensure High Protein drinks twice daily to keep her protein levels up, guess it is helping put weight on too, not to mention all the sweets she eats. SMILE. This sure has seemed to be a very long month, I am happy the first is here. I really love the fall months, the colors and aromas in the air at this time of year.
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