A blonde decides to go ice fishing, so she takes her fishing gear to a large open area finds a spot and begins to cut a hole in the ice. After a while she hears a voice from above say "There Are No Fish Here!!!!!!!!"

So she moves to another spot and does the same thing. Again she hears the voice

"There Are No Fish Here!!!!!!"

So she looks up and says "GOD, is that you trying to tell me something?"

The voice says "No! It's The Manager Of The Ice Skating Rink Telling You, There Are No Fish Here!!!!!!!"

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God and asks, "is this it? Am I dead?" God says, "no, you have another 30 to 40 years to live."

 She recovers and decides to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, hair dyed, and so on. She figures, since she's got another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

 She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?" To which God replies, "Sorry – I didn't recognize you."

• MIPS : Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed
• WINDOWS : Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
• MICROSOFT : Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only Fools Teenagers
• LISP : Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis
• RISC : Reduced Into Silly Code
• SCSI : System Can't See It

 A Farm Mishap

 It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on," the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?"

"Under the wagon."

There were three guys that died and went to heaven.

The first went up and then God said, "You have committed adultery so you shall own a bike."

The second guy comes up and God says, "You have almost Committed adultery so you shall own a motorcycle."

 The third guy goes up and then God says, "You have only thought about adultery so you shall get a Porsche!"

The first guy comes up to the man in the Porsche and starts Laughing and the man in the Porsche asks, "Why are you laughing? You only got a bike!"

The guy on the bike says, "I just saw your wife on a skateboard!"

That's all for this week….

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