Sorry Friends I wasn't able to post Jokes last week.

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... thought you'd like to come." "Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin." "Not a problem...after 25 years in the computer business, I can do that with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin, too." Damn, Sam thinks...tough crowd. "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again." Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there ... by the way, what should I wear to the party?" Enoch stops in the door again and says "Whatever you want, it's just gonna be the two of us."

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem: she was in heat.

 What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Now Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, and he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Perhaps they could entice Mike to satisfy the female gorilla.

 So he was approached with a proposition: Would he be willing to screw the gorilla -- for five hundred bucks? Mike replied that he might be interested, but would have to think the matter over. The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:

"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her,"

"Second, I don't want anything to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

 The zoo administration quickly acceded to these conditions, but what could be the third?

 "Well," said Mike, "You've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

A Scotsman and an Englishman lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden.

 He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

 They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the groin and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the groin and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

 The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls.

 The Englishman fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

A rabbi and a priest are involved in a bad car crash. Their vehicles are totally wrecked but both men are unhurt. After they crawl out of their cars the rabbi sees the priests collar.

"So,", says the rabbi, "you're a priest and I am a rabbi. Look at our cars. Both are completely destroyed yet you and I stand here unscathed. God must have intended us to meet and become great friends"

"I agree", says the priest, "This must be a sign from God."

"Look at this", says the rabbi, "Here is another miracle. A bottle of wine, unbroken. God must want us to seal our relationship with a drink!"

He pops the cork and hands the bottle to the priest who takes several swigs.

"Aren't you having any?", the priest asks.

"No", the rabbi replies, "I think I'll just wait for the police".

Brain Teaser (My Friend gave this one.)

Einstein wrote this quiz last century. He said that 98% of the people in the world cannot solve the quiz.

Facts:

There are 5 houses in 5 different colors.

In each house lives a person with a different nationality.

These 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar and keep a certain pet.

No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar or drink the same drink.

Q. Here's the question: Who owns the fish?

The Brit man lives in a red house.

The Swede keeps dogs as pets

The Dane drinks tea.

The green house is on the left of the white house.

The green house owner drinks coffee.

The person who smokes Pall Mall rears birds.

The owner of the yellow house smokes Dunhill.

The man living in the house right in the center drinks milk.

The Norwegian lives in the first house.

The man who smokes Blend lives next to the one who keeps cats.

The man who keeps horse lives nest to the man who smokes Dunhill.

The owner who smokes Blue Master drinks beer.

The German smokes Prince.

The Norwegian lives next to the blue house.

The man who smokes Blend has a neighbor who drinks water.

If u get the answer then E-mail me at nbjd@hotmail.com.

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