A Lobster telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know
everything about you."
The Lobster says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a
party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her cooking
class."
(Shamelessly stolen and modified from http://www.norcom.mb.ca/deedee)
There was this family of Schmohawk Indians sitting around the
shtetl one night. The papa, Geronowitz; the mama, Pocayenta;
and the beautiful young daughter, Minihorowitz.
So, nu," says the daughter, "You'll never believe."
"What?", says the mama.
"Today,at high noon, I was proposed to in marriage."
"Yes?"Says the mama, "so what did you say?"
"I said'Yes.'"
"You said 'Yes'?"
"I said'Yes.'"
"That's wonderful," says the mama. "She said 'Yes'! Did you
hear that Geronowitz? Our little Minihorowitz is getting married!"
"I heard," says the papa, "I'm kvelling. So who's the lucky
boy?"
"Sittin' Bialy."
"Sittin' Bialy?" says the mama, "of the SoSiouxMe tribe?"
"That's the one," says Minihorowitz.
"Oy, Geronowitz! The SoSiouxMe's! There are so many of them! How can we feed them? How can we get them all in our teepee for the wedding?"
"We'll think of something," says Geronowitz.
"Geronowitz! Get me a buffalo!"
"What, at this hour?"
"No, Geronowitz, for the wedding! I can make buffalo tzimmes from the meat, and we can make an extra teepee from the hide. Get
me a buffalo!"
So Geronowitz goes out to hunt a buffalo. A day goes by, and a
night, and Geronowitz has not come back. Another day and another
night, and still no sign of him. Another day and half the night,
and Geronowitz comes home. Exhausted. Staggering. And
empty-handed.
"Geronowitz!, I've been worried sick. Where have you been? And
where's my buffalo?!"
"It's like this," he says. "On my first day out, I hunted high,
and I hunted low, and I finally found a buffalo. But this buffalo,
he made Mickey Rooney look strong. It was a tiny, scrawny little
buffalo, with no meat on his bones for buffalo tzimmes, and barely
enough hide for a rain hat.. So I settled in for the night to try
again the next day.
"The second day, I looked high, and I looked low, from this way and that way, and I finally found a buffalo. He was a big buffalo,
with lots of meat, and lots of hide, but I tell you, Pocayenta,
this was the ugliest buffalo I ever saw in my life. 'This,' I
thought to myself, 'is not the buffalo for MY daughter's wedding.'
So again, I settled in for the night to try again the next day.
"The third day, I got up early, and I looked high and I looked low,
from this way and that way, going up hills and down hills, and I
found a buffalo. It was a big buffalo. It was, as buffalos go, a beautiful buffalo. It was, if I say so myself, the perfect
buffalo. 'This,' I says to myself, 'is the buffalo Pocayenta wants for Minihorowitz's wedding.'"
So I reach into my backpack quietly for my tomahawk, as I tip-toe over to the buffalo. Raise my tomahawk slowly over the buffalo's neck, when suddenly, like a bolt of lightning from the sky, I see it.
I've brought the dairy tomahawk!"
TA - Thinkers Anonymous
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then
to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was
more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone - "to relax," I told myself - but I knew it
wasn't true.
Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking
all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and
employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I
would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it
exactly we are doing here?"
Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off
the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at
her mother's.
I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in.
He said, " I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has
become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have
to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about.
I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver.
"You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make
any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry. I'd
had enough.
"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the
door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared
into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors... they didn't open.
The library was closed. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling
glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.
"Friend, is
heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that
line. It comes from the standard
Thinkers Anonymous poster.
Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a
TA meeting.
At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
"Porky's."
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last
meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life
just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
A couple of drinking' buddies, who are airplane mechanics, are in the
hanger at SFO; it's fogged in and they have nothing to do. One of them
says to the other, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
The other one says, "Nah, but I hear you can drink jet fuel, and that it
will kinda give you a buzz."
So they do drink it, get smashed and have a beautiful time; like only
drinking' buddies can do.
The following morning, one of them wakes up and he knows his head will
explode if he gets up, but it doesn't. He gets up and feels good - in
fact, he feels great - NO hangover!
The phone rings, it's his buddy.
The buddy says, "Hey, how do you feel?"
He said, "I feel great!!", and the buddy says, "I feel great too!!
You don't have a hangover?"
and he says, "No - that jet fuel is great
stuff- no hangover - we ought to do this more
often."
"Yeah, we could, but there's just one thing....."
"What's that?"
"Did you fart yet?"
"No..."
"Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Phoenix!!"
The Empire State Building
A guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building
in New York. It looks like a nice place and so he takes a seat at the bar.
"This is a nice place, I've never been here before," he says to the guy
next to him.
"Oh really," the other man replies. "It is also a very
special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks.
"Well, do you see that
painting on the far wall? That's an original VanGogh, and this stool I'm
sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you
see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does
strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about
50 feet before the wind catches you and you will be pushed back up."
"No
way, that's impossible", the first guy scoffs.
"Not at all, take a look", the other man replies, and with that he walks
over to the window opens it climbs over the sill, and falls out. He
drops, 10.....20......30.....40.....50.....feet comes to a stop, and
whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
"See? Its
fun, You should try it", he says.
"Try it, I don't even believe I saw it", The first man shouts.
"It's easy; watch, I will do it again" and with that he drops
10.....20.....30.....40.....50 feet and swoosh comes right back up.
"Give it a try , its a blast" he says. "Well, what the heck, I'll give it
a try", the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window, he falls
10...20....30.....40.....50....60....70....80....90.....100 feet and
splat!! he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window , heads
back to the bar and orders a drink.
The bartender arrives with the
drink and says "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
A young lad was having problems mastering math concepts. His parents
tried everything they could to help him. They got him a private tutor. They
purchased specialized math CD-ROM software to help him. Apparently to no
avail.
Exasperated, they finally decided that what he needed was
discipline. So, they enrolled him in the local parochial school. The
effect was immediate. From the first day, the young lad pored over his
books from dinnertime until bedtime every day. Sure enough, he received an
A+ on his midterms which made his parents very proud.
They asked him what
was the cause of his success.
"Was it the tutors? Was it the CD_ROM
software??".
"No" replied Junior, "Its just that when I walked into the
lobby of the school and saw the guy they nailed to the plus sign, I knew
they meant business!".
Family Stress Test
Score 0 if the statement is never true,
1 if it is rarely true,
2 if it is sometimes true,
and 3 if it is always true.
1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can
talk".
2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.
3. ____ The cat is on Valium.
4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned
to speak through clenched teeth.
5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.
6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number
of people in the family.
7. ____ No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.
8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.
9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out
the trash
10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.
Scoring:
30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little going
on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled
life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered a parallel
career path?
0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you do anyway?
******************************************************************************
LAUGH OF THE DAY - A service of LaughWEB (http://www.intermarket.net/laughweb)
A burglar broke into a house and was rummaging through the drawers when
he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you!".
Surprised, the thief looked
all around the room and didn't see anyone. Thinking it was his imagination,
he returned to his rummaging.
Once again, a voice in the dark said "Jesus
is watching you!". Now the thief began to investigate the source of this
statement. As he searched the room, he spotted a parrot in a birdcage
standing in a corner. As he approached, he asked the parrot if he was the
one talking.
"Yes" the parrot replied, "Jesus is watching you!".
With a
sigh of relief, the thief asked the parrot his name. "Clarence" the bird
replid.
"Clarence" said the thief, "what kind of idiots would name a parrot
Clarence?".
"The same idiots" replied the parrot, "Who would name the Pit
Bull 'Jesus'!!!".
Dial-A-Dysfunction
"Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline"
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone else to press 2.
-If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5, and 6.
-If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
-If you are a workaholic, please hang up immediately and call your lawyer. Divorce papers are on their way.
-If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you have major depression, it doesn’t matter which number you press. No one will answer.
-If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite your ear.
- If you are a sex addict, for a good time call 1-900-369-6969. You must be over the age of 18 to participate.
(...with many apologies to people with mental illness around the globe....)
She/He Definitions
Wants & needs (wontz and nedz) n.
female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical and
psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in
a
relationship.
male: Food, sex and beer.
Thingy (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strapfastener on a woman's bra.
Lesbian (lez-bi-an) n.
female: A woman who makes love to other women.
male: A woman who has sex with other women so men can
watch and get really turned on.
Glass ceiling (glas see-ling) n.
female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising
to the upper levels in business.
male: What would really be great at work since that hot
babe took over the office one flight up.
Vulnerable (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another.
male: Playing ball without a cup.
Communication (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for
a weekend with the guys.
Butt (but) n.
female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
male: The organ of mooning (and farting).
Commitment (ko-mit-ment) n.
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with
one's girlfriend.
Entertainment (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything with one ball, two folds, or three stooges.
Flatulence (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing byproduct of digestion.
male: An endless source of enterainment, self-expression
and male bonding.
Making love (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can
achieve.
male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to
boink.
Remote control (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels
every 2 1/2 minutes.
Taste (tayst) v.
female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're
cooking, to make sure it's good.
male: Something you must do to anything you think has
gone bad, prior to tossing it out.
Seinfeldisms
1.Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2.Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3.Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4.Why is the word abbreviation so long?
5.Is it possible to be totally partial?
6.What's another word for thesaurus?
7.If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
8.If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive
with their lights off?
9.When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack
it in?
10.If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read
all right?
11.If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a
sound?
12.If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
13.If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his
wages?
14.When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
15.Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
16.Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
17.What do you do when you see an endangered
animal that eats only endangered plants?
18.Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
19.Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20.If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands
with soap?
21.If someone with multiple personalities threatens to
kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
22.Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them
would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
23.Is there another word for synonym?
24.Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do
"practice"?
25.When sign makers go on strike, is anything written
on their signs?
26.When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one
meant to be thrown away?
27.Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
28.Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
29.Why do they report power outages on TV?
To Lather a Cat
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick
themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort
in
their saliva that works like New, Improved Wisk - dislodging the
dirt
where it hides and whisking it away.
I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind
believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary
-
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt
smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.
The time comes, however, when a man must face reality; when he must
look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the
contrary
and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez." When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I
have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend
under your arm and head for the bathtub:
* Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack
of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.
Don't
try
to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.
Pick
a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet
square,
I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the
sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A
simple
shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply
rubber
shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
* Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to
remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you
are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend
canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of
steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a
long-sleeve flak jacket.
* Prepare everything in advance. There is no
time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in
your
flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo
is
inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached,
even
if you are lying on your back in the tepid water.
* Use the element
of surprise. Pick up your cat non-chalantly, as if to simply carry
him
to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange
attire.
They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does
notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a
product
testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)
* Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival.
In
a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step
into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in
the
water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the
wildest
45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the
fact
that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded.
Do
not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at
a
time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him
another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring
free
and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The
national record is -- for cats -- three latherings, so don't expect
too much.)
* Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always
assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally
are
worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really
determined.
In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been
through. That's because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed
to
your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach
for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end
up
clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best
thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward
your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a
simple
matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg.
He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even
become
psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.
You
will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case.
As
a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and
injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But,
at least now he smells a lot better.
Subject: Computer support
Actual dialog of a fired WordPerfect Customer Support employee:
" Computer assistant; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went
away."
"Went away?"
"They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
"Nothing."
"Nothing?"
"It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
"Can you see the C:\ prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
"Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
"Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"
......."Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."
......."Yes, it is."
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"No."
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
......."Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
"I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
"No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark."
"Dark?"
"Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"I can't."
"you can't? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage."
"A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."
Man to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God to Man: "So you would love her."
"But God," Man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies: "So she would love you."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Diamonds are a girl's best friends.
Dogs are man's best friend.
So which is the dumber sex?
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough
draft before creating a masterpiece.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wieners come in packs of 10,
buns in packs of 8,
beer in packs of 6,
condoms in packs of 3.
Why can't they get it straight.
Men need a calculator just to have a weekend.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Single women complain that all good men are married,
while all married women complain about their lousy
husbands. This confirms that there is no such thing as a
good man.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Ever notice how many of women's problems can be
traced to the male gender?
MENstruation
MENopause
MENtal breakdown
GUYnecology
HIMmorrhoids
Just when you thought you heard everything:
Divine Press Release
Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an
affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old
woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God's "only
son" last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.
Sources close to Mary claim that she "had loved God for a long time", that
she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she
was "thrilled to have had his child."
In a press conference this morning,
God issued a vehement denial, saying that "No sexual relationship existed",
and that "the facts of this story will come out in time, verily".
Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the
Justice Department to expand his investigation to cover questions of
whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had
illegally funneled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three
foreign operatives know only as the "Wise Men". Beelzebub has issued
subpoenas to several angels who are rumored to have acted as go-betweens in
the affair.
Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the
charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God
had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed
land deal.
In recent months, Beelzebub's investigation has already been expanded to
cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God's
political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the
destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention
away from a scandal involving whether the giveaway of a parcel of public
land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo
for political contributions.
If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to
God's career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral
standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers.
Indeed, God recently
outlined a "tough-on-crime" plan consisting of a series of 10
"Commandments", which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep.
Moses.
Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions
for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning
to fight the "Name in Vain" Commandment as being an unconstitutional
restriction on free speech.
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But
why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand
chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always
have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m.
One afternoon, as the end of
the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out
of hazelnut extract.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made
with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular
time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut
daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory
daiquiri,
doc."
A hungry African lion was roaming through the jungle looking for
something to eat.
He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree
and
reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter.
The lion
quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the
king
of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in
ten
different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
"Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
teepee;
then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The
doctor
replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his
mouth.
The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for
you six
months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "All I
can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and
put some stuff on it that was delicious ... Hollandaise sauce. I loved
it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables,
everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem.
Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly
corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new
plate, and
this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple.
Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.
The first
gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of
deer hide.
A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The
chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The
third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a
secret. He built this one a two-story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus
hide. He challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried,
unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had
given birth to twin boys.
"Correct," said the chief. "How did you
figure it
out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw
of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
There is this guy who goes out golfing. He hits his ball out into the
rough. It lands in this huge field of buttercups. He walks out there
and gets in to position to swing. When he draws his club into the air
he hears, "Wait! Don't hit that ball!" He's all like "What the @*&#!!?"
So he gets ready to swing again. He pulls back and then he hears the
voice again, "Wait, Please don't hit that ball!" This time he is
pissed. He's like,"Who the heck are you?" And the voice replys, "Why,
I'm Mother Nature. See, the thing is that if you swing that club, you
are going to kill some of my beautiful buttercups." He replies, "Come
on, this is an important game. I mean, they're JUST buttercups!" So she
is like, "Ok, I'll make you a deal. If you don't swing that club and
don't kill my buttercups, I'll give you free butter for the rest of your
life!" He thinks for a minute then replies, "Well, free butter for the
rest of my life is cool,.... but where were you when I was in the pussy
willows!!!!
Q: Do you know what a paradigm is?
A: 20 cents
...and if you do lend me a (couple) dimes, that's a pair 'o dime shift!
credit: Jeff Hawkins...email address: jhawkins@gte.net
Swami Beyondananda's Guidelines for Enlightenment
(and I have NO idea where these originated!)
1. Be a FundaMentalist -- ensure that the Fun always comes before the Mental.
2. Remember that each of us has been given a special gift just for
entering, so you are already a winner!
3. The most powerful tool on the planet today is Tell-A-Vision. That's
where I tell a vision to you and you tell a vision to me. That way, if
we don't like the programming we're getting, we can change the channel.
4. Life is like photography -- you use the negative to develop.
5. It is true: As we go through life thinking heavy thoughts, thought
particles tend to get caught between the ears and cause a condition
called "truth decay." Be sure to use mental floss twice a day.
6. If we want world peace, we must let go of our attachments and truly
live like nomads. That's where I no mad at you and you no mad at me.
7. Great earth changes have been predicted for the future, so if you're
looking to avoid earthquakes my advice is simple: When you find a fault,
don't dwell on it.
1. If you eat something, but no one else sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. When drinking a diet soda while eating a candy bar, the calories in the
candy bar are canceled by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count as long as youdon't
eat more than they do.
4. Foods used for medicinal purposes never count. e.g. hot chocolate,
brandy, toast, Sara Lee cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie-related foods do not have calories because they are part of the
entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel. e.g. milk duds,
buttered popcorn, junior mints and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking the cookie
causes calorie leakage.
8. Late-night snacks have no calories. The refrigerator light is not strong
enough for the calories to see their way into the calorie counter.
9. If you are in the process of preparing something, food licked off knives
and spoons have no calories. e.g. peanut butter on a knife, ice cream on a
spoon.
10. Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories. Examples are
spinach and pistachio ice cream, mushrooms and white chocolate. Chocolate is a
universal color and may be substituted for any other.
11. You have to eat fat to burn fat.
1. The Dairy Association's huge success with the campaign "Got Milk?"
prompted them to expand advertising to Mexico. It was soon brought
to their attention the Spanish translation read "Are you lactating?"
2. Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was
read as "Suffer from diarrhea".
3. Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux".
4. Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German
only to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people
had use for the "manure stick".
5. When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the
same packaging as in the US, with the smiling baby on the label.
Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put pictures
on the label of what's inside, since many people can't read.
6. Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of
a notorious porno magazine.
7. An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"
(el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
8. Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into
Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
9. The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Kekoukela", meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending
on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a
phonetic equivalent "kokou kole", translating into "happiness in the
mouth".
10. Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a
tender chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused
man to make a chicken affectionate".
11. When Parker Pen marketed a ball-point pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass
you". The company thought that the word "embarazar" (to impregnate)
meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your pocket
and make you pregnant".
12. When American Airlines wanted to advertise its new leather first
class seats in the Mexican market, it translated its "Fly in leather"
campaign literally, which meant "Fly naked" (vuela en cuero) in
spanish.
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This site is still under construction. Please email me with jokes you would like to submit; and let me know whether or not you want your email address included. Thanks!
© 1997 ldbaron@bigfoot.com
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