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| WE ARE NOT AMUSED. KING PUTS BISHOPS IN CHECK OVER SUMMER JOB AS EVANGELICALS ASSAIL MONARCH'S "BAD RELIGION" |
| An angry James lashed-out at Church leaders following unholy lip-service. |
| Bergen. Heresy, if such it was, could not have been confronted in a lovlier setting. The glistening baroque halls of Marchmain Palace were suddenly filled with an astonished silence upon the arrival of a scathing condemnation of the King and his Catholic religion published by the Evangelical Church of Ascalon earlier this month. "Popish" and "superstitious mire," they labelled the ancient faith while anathematizing James for his alleged "lewd" behaviour. The Ascalonian clerics issued their condemnation upon discovering a satirical essay entitled, "How to Work For the King of Hanover This Summer" tucked-away in an obscure corner of Hanover's website. Finding certain passages of the essay entirely too risque for his tastes, Church spokesman JC Fletcher lambasted the Hanoverian Royals for allowing sexual innuendos to be featured on the website. After skewering the King's religion and demeanor, the cleric criticized James' decision to appoint the "pagan" Thomas Cutterham to high office. Just when it seemed both his feet had found their way into his mouth, the Church's spokesman rained-down fire and brimstone on his own Prime Minister, Mattlore Devious, for posting a message in Hanover's nightclub-themed HaNgOvEr discussion forum. A stunned Royal Family responded several days later, lamenting the Evangelicals' grotesque hate speech against Roman Catholics and the appalling criticisms directed at the King and Lord Brunswick. Both the condemnation and Bergen's reaction drew quick responses from Ascalonians, many of whom echoed the Church's criticisms of the Hanoverian Royal Family. Many of those same citizens, on the other hand, had nothing good to say about the Evangelical Church, either. In Hanover, Prime Minister Robert Gresham (Lord Gottingen) responded to the news in typical fashion, calling the religious zealots "a bunch of nuts". In the face of mounting public pressure, the Evangelical clerics eventually withdrew their condemnation, replacing it with a toned-down version stripped of references to King James and Catholicism. Just when it seemed the fires had died down, another Ascalonian clergyman, Henry Charnes, threw gasoline on the embers in the form of a sermon decrying the immorality of the same essay, now notorious and universally referred to as "Summer Job". A spokesman for Marchmain Palace reprinted the sermon in the now equally notorious HaNgOvEr forum, marvelling that the clergy from another nation should be so obsessed with a portion of the website most Hanoverians knew nothing about. Princess Shannon Alexandra, reading the essay for the first time, wondered "what these people were getting all pissy about." The outspoken Duchess of Claremont remarked that she had "expected to read porn that would make a sailor blush," and was surprised to find instead a "joke with a few hints about adolescents fooling around." When the spokesman later teased the clergy for "trolling" around in the bar-themed forum and wondered aloud if they "tipped the bottle, too?", a thunderous reaction erupted in Ascalon from people who only a week before had condemned the Evangelical Church. The outcry even prompted the Emperor himself to write King James in defense of the Evangelicals. Additionally, Archbishop Sebastian Nehen and other leaders of the Anglican-esque Church of the Empire issued a public statement accusing the palace of calling all evangelicals of every Christian denomination alcoholics. A fed-up James, clearly unamused with the incessant sniping emanating from Ascalon against his nation, his actions, his behaviour, his household, his Ministers and his religion, personally issued a response expressive of his aggravation with the assaults. In the response, James publicized his response to Emperor Jason's letter, reminding the Ascalonian ruler that if his people were so willing to "dish it out" they ought likewise be prepared to take it. The King went on to lament Ascalon's state sponored Church's "absurd" assertion that the Palace had somehow branded every evangelical Christian in the world a "drunkard", calling the Convocations' statement "very silly." In a repeat performance of the Evangelical condemnation's vanishing act, the Convocation's statement was withdrawn almost immediately after the publication of the King's response. An assistant to Archbishop Nehen has since sent a warm letter of greeting to the people of Hanover, not mentioning the incident at all. The Duke of Brunswick thanked the cleric for his kind words but only a stony silence has emerged from the Palace. One member of the Royal Family commented, "you could hear a cat drop." |
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| In the crossfire: Marchmain Palace's imaginary wardens |
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| Moral Watchdogs: Ascalon's clergy keep a close eye on Hanover's website. |
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| BERGEN'S C.O.E. BISHOP FORMALLY INSTALLED AMIDST CONTROVERSY. KEITH PAULSON BECOMES FIRST BISHOP OF BERGEN |
| The Church of the Empire's representative in Bergen formally assumed the episcopal throne this week. The Rt. Rev. Keith Paulson was made official by Ascalonian clerics at his cathedral in downtown Bergen at the height of the "Summer Job" controversy. The Protestant prelate, known throughout Hanover as a friendly and knowledgeable man, listened on as the Dean of the Cathedral Church of Christ read the mandate of the C.O.E.'s primate, Archbishop Sebastian Nehen of Koronia, Ascalon. The Bishop was then required to knock on the Cathedral door three times in order to be admitted into the church, where he was seated upon the cathedra. Bishop Paulson arrived in Hanover as a missionary following King James' invitation to Archbishop Nehen to establish a church in the capital. Despite the recent war-of-words between the Palace and Koronia, King James offered his congratulations to Bishop Paulson, sending a personal greeting to the Ascalonian cleric and posting a formal congratulatory note in the Church's forum. Paulson, known for his amiable personality and moderate views, has steadily gained respect and popularity in the realm. The King, himself, has repeatedly expressed his satisfaction with the bishop to the Church's supreme governor, Ascalon's Emperor Jason. |
| Ad multos annos! Bishop Keith Paulson descends the pulpit following his installation homily. |
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| BANK NOTE COMPETITION DRAWS ON TALENT FOR TALEN In anticipation of the launching of Finance Minister Sir Steven Foong's plans to create a real-goods economy in Hanover, the Government launched a design competition this week to give Hanover's monetary unit, the Talen, a recognizable image. Participants are required to enter designs for both the obverse and the reverse of a twenty talen note, featuring the elements required by the Royal decree on currency. The competition, open to citizens and non-citizens alike, has already inspired one entry. Thomas Cutterham's contribution has been revealed on a webpage devoted to the competition. Lord Brunswick's colorful and contemporary design arranges traditional elements in a manner pleasing to the eye. The winner will be selected by the citizens of Hanover who will vote for their favorite entries. The competition's webpage, part of the national website, can be found at www.oocities.org/kingdomofhanover/currency.html. The complete rules of the competition are posted on the webpage. |
| State of the Nation |
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| STATE OF THE NATON |
| SOMEBODY'S KNOCKIN' AT THE DOOR... STATE'S CUTTERHAM HAS DIPLOMATS RINGIN' THE BELL Tom Cutterham's "journeyings often" to the far corners of the micronational world, coupled with his extensive experience in several governments made him the Crown's obvious choice to head-up the nation's Department of State as diplomat-in-chief. Since his appointment, representatives of micronations near and far have visited his office, hoping for his thumb's-up to diplomatic recognition. The teenage Minister of State has also approached the foreign ministries of other nations, extending the hand of Hanover's friendship. The Minister's first diplomatic success was a mutual treaty of recognition with the Kingdom of Babkha, a micronation famous for it's delightfully sassy Persian-themed persona. Cutterham appointed Review editor Sir Kieran Bennett to serve as Hanover's Ambassador to Babkha as Jeffrey Leong arrived to represent the Shah at the court of King James. The State Department also recognized the Kingdom of Morovia and the Most Serene Empire of Ascalon. Last month, Cutterham was knighted and created Duke of Brunswick by the King in recognition of his efforts. In addition to signing treaties and issuing credentials to ambassadors, it is Lord Brunswick's job to welcome new citizens to Hanover and to issue visas to resident aliens. The Duke also has the unpleasant task of gently and diplomatically telling some of his visitors "no". According to Hanover's official foreign policy texts, the Kingdom will not engage in diplomacy with nations which have a history of causing micronational turmoil or which lack such elements as websites, governments or citizens. The Kingdom of Hanover's desire to interact only with legitimate, sovereign micronations and nation-building societies is reflected in the company kept by Cutterham's royal boss, cheekily referred to by insiders as "Himself". In the past week, The monarchs of Alto-Reino, Corumburg and Pendronia have all contacted Marchmain Palace to begin diplomatic dialogue. The Emperor of Ascalon and Morovia's Regent are on King James' speed dial. Palace staffers say that reports of nations which have been overthrown for the umpteenth time by wizards or fascist "troops" quickly make their way from the palm of the King's hand to his wastebasket. Of course, palace staffers also report that "Himself" talks to clocks. |
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| Club HaNgOvEr |
| Club HaNgOvEr The capital district's hottest night spot featuring the shallowest conversation in town! Tired of preachy moralists? Bored with pompous Royals and the uppity bleeding- hearts club at Common Grounds Cafe? Had enough of blustering politicians? Quick, run to the bar across the street 'cause you'll find them all here! HaNgOvEr All attitudes must be checked at the door |
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| FRONTPAGE . WORLD . LIFESTYLES |
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| Join us after the parade! |