| Elvish Whisper I telien prestar aen. Galadriel The game is changed. Elvish Whisper Han mathon ne nen. Galadriel I feel it in the waters. Elvish Whisper Han mathon ne toll. Galadriel I feel it on the island. Elvish Whisper A han noston ned bunn nin. Galadriel I smell it in my nostrils. One that once was winning has lost. For none now remain who have hairy feet... Starvivor 3 Chronicles: Episode XVIII: The Breaking of the Fellowship by Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper Elvish (Sindarin) translation by Ryan G Galadriel It began with the forging of the Great Starvivor Games. One was played by the Star Wars characters; wisest and fairest of all beings. The next was played by actual members of The Last Grand Admiral, who above all else desire power. For within these games was bound the strength of two Ultimate Starvivors. But they were both of them deceived. For another game was made. In the Univeristy of Vermont, in the fires of his computer, the Dark Lord, Grand Adm... I mean, uh Hoth Rebel Trooper forged in secret a Master Game to control all others. And into the game, he poured characters from the 21 top-grossing movies of all time. One Starvivor to rule them all... In Starvivor 1, a last alliance of Rebels and Ewoks marched against the armies of the Empire. And on a deserted island, they fought for the title of Ultimate Starvivor. Victory was near for Wicket W. Warwick. But the power of hotness could not be undone. It was in this moment, when all hope had failed, that Jaina Solo, daughter of Han and Leia, took up her inherited good looks. Wicket, that cute little teddy bear who was afraid of helmets, was defeated. The title passed to Jaina, who had one chance to claim it forever. But the hearts of web-based companies are easily corrupted. And the webserver, Homestead, had a will of its own. It betrayed HRT’s website to its death. And some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend; legend became myth. And for two and a half months, the game of Starvivor passed out of all knowledge. Until, when chance came, Starvivor 2 ensnared a new title bearer. The title of Ultimate Starvivor came to the creature Yaddle who took it deep into the caves of Dagobah. And there it consumed her. The title brought to Yaddle unnatural long life. For three and a half years it poisoned her mind. And in the gloom of Yaddle’s cave, it waited. HRT crept back to his website. Rumor grew of a third Starvivor game, whispers of a certain Hobbit being involved... And Yaddle perceived her time had now come. She abandoned her lover, Yoda, to seek out this Frodo Baggins. For the time would soon come when Hobbits would shape the inner desires of Yaddle... Narrator Thank you, Galadriel, for narrating the opening. Now it’s my turn! Alright, so we find the island now inhabited by only the final four castaways. The suave Lando, the forgetful Dory, the wimpy Luke... Luke Heeeeeey! Narrator ... and the... Hobbit, Frodo. Yes, Frodo, the favorite to win. Everyone’s had their money on him since the beginning. So what could possibly go wrong that could upset his victory? Well, we now find Frodo sitting under a tree, reading a book. Queue the Hobbit music, please! *Hobbit music plays* Narrator As Frodo chews on a blade of grass and reads, a horse drawn cart approaches in the distance... Frodo Gandalf?! *Frodo jumps to his feet and runs toward the carriage, all excited. Driving the cart is a tall, cloaked figure with a pointy hat and a long white beard* Frodo Gandalf! Is that really you?! I thought you were dead! What news of the outside world? Tell me everything! *The cart stops as Frodo nears. Gandalf speaks in an accent that sounds like a girl trying to talk like a man* Gandalf Everything? You're far too eager and curious for a Hobbit. Most unnatural... Well, what can I tell you? Life in the wide world goes on, much as it has this past Age. Full of its own comes and goings. Scarcely aware of the existence of Hobbits. For which I am very thankful. Frodo Why do you sound like a girl trying to talk like a man? *Gandalf suddenly disrobes himself! Revealing that he is not Gandalf, but is really Jaina Solo with Yaddle standing on her head!* Jaina and Yaddle SURPRISE! *Frodo screams!* Frodo Ahhhh! You’re not Gandalf! And holy Shire, what is that ghastly thing on your head?! Yaddle I’m Yaddle! Frodo What ARE you?! Yaddle I... I’m not sure, actually. Hm. Jaina She’s an Unknown Species. But I’m human. I’m Jaina Solo. You must be Frodo. Frodo Uhhh... no, actually, I’m Mr. Underhill. Jaina It’s alright, Frodo. We’re not after your ring. Frodo Ring?! What Ring?! Go away, I don’t have a Ring! Yaddle You’re cute when you’re angry! Jaina There’s no need to be upset, Frodo. You can trust us. We’re Jedi. Frodo Jedi? Like Luke? Jaina Yep! Just like my Uncle Luke! I can’t wait to meet his younger self! Frodo Wait, wait, why are you here? Jaina The producers thought it’d boost the show’s ratings if the two former winners of Starvivor spent a day on the island. Frodo You’re the former winners? Yaddle Yes we are! We’re SO the winners! Woohoo! I won Starvivor 2! Jaina Let’s go meet the others. Hop on the cart, Frodo. Yaddle Ooo! Ooo! I get to sit on his lap! *Frodo hops on the cart. Yaddle sits in his lap. They start driving again* Yaddle Mmmm, your lap is comfy, Frodo. Frodo Thank you... Yaddle Can you stroke my ears? Frodo Um... no please? Yaddle But it feels good! Jaina Knock it off, Yaddle. He doesn’t want to stroke your ears. Yaddle Well, fine! Humph! Jaina I’m so excited about meeting Luke and Lando! Yaddle Just remember, Jaina. Don’t tell them anything about their futures. Don’t even tell Luke that you’re his niece. Jaina Right, right. We can’t interrupt the space-time continuum. Yaddle ... Please stroke my ears, Frodo! Frodo I won’t! *They travel for a few minutes more and arrive at central camp. Luke and Lando are playing catch with Dory, tossing her back and forth* Dory Ahhhh! What’s going on!? Somebody help me! *Lando sees the cart coming and quickly tosses Dory into her bowl.* Lando Oh hey there! We were just... uhh... helping Dory get some air. Luke Uhhh... yeah, that’s what we were doing. Fish need air sometimes, you know. A little known fact. *Frodo, Jaina, and Yaddle hop off the cart* Frodo Friends, I would like you to meet Jaina and Yaddle. They are the winners of Starvivor 1 and Starvivor 2, respectively. They’ve been invited to spend the day on the island. *Lando walks up to Jaina and takes her hand and kisses it.* Lando Why, hello there, little lady. My name’s Lando. Might I say that you truly belong with us here on the island. Luke Would you stop saying that? It’s getting old! Lando You’ll have to pardon my friend, Luke. He can get a bit jealous. *Jaina smiles* Jaina So all the things I’ve heard about you are true. Lando Oh, what’ve you heard? Jaina That you’re a single-minded womanizer. Lando Ouch. So cold it burns. Luke I’m not a womanizer, though! I care! Yaddle Who’s the fishy?! Frodo That’s Dory. Dory Dory? That’s me! Hi! Yaddle Wow, I’m impressed! A little fish made it to the final four? How’d you manage that, Dory? Dory What? Final four of what? Like in basketball? Go Lakers! Frodo None of us is certain how she pulled it off. Dory Who wants to go swimming?! Jaina and Yaddle I do! *Jaina, Yaddle, and Dory go change into their bathing suits and jump into the ocean. The three dudes just sit on the beach and watch the ladies swim* Luke Oh man, Jaina is so hot. Lando Yeah, but in a morbid purple kinda way. Luke ... What the kriff is that supposed to mean? Lando I dunno. I just get that vibe. Luke You’re just upset because she called you a womanizer. Lando No one resists my charm and gets away with it! No one! Luke Well, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna take a shot at her. Lando Go for it, kid. Remember the yawn technique I taught you. Luke Right. Yawn technique. Frodo Hey guys, what do you think about Yaddle? *Lando and Luke give Frodo a weird stare* Lando You’re joking, right? Frodo Well she is kind of cute... in her own way... right? Lando Yeah, if you’re into ug-ley! Frodo Oh come now, she’s not THAT ugly. Lando Man, she’s like the DEFINITION of ugly. She climbed the ugly tree, rubbed her face against the bark, then fell off and hit every branch on the way down. She’s so ugly, even the word ugly is ashamed to be assigned to her. If there was a school for ugly, she’d be valedictorian. If ugly was a cure for cancer, she’d be a medical prescription. Frodo Enough, Lando! That’s enough! Lando Sorry. I only speak the truth. Luke Wait a minute, guys. Why is Dory wearing a bathing suit? Lando You’d prefer it if she wasn’t? Luke No, I... I meant... fish aren’t supposed to... shut up, Lando. *Later that afternoon, as they all sit around central camp, the Narrator shows up* Luke Hey look, it’s the Narrator! Narrator Hello, castaways. I hope your new guests are enjoying themselves. Yaddle We sure are! Jaina Definitely! Dory Yeah, we are! Narrator No, Dory, you’re not... never mind. The reason I’ve come is because I have an important announcement. We’re throwing in a new twist to the game! Dory A game?! I love games! Especially with twists! Narrator Right... okay, so you’ve got the next vote coming up soon. Dory is immune, so no one can vote for her. So, the deal is that you’ve got four people voting for three options. The chances of a two-two tie are very great. Unless, of course... we add a couple more voters. Luke What?! Narrator That’s right, Jaina and Yaddle will be allowed to vote in the upcoming tribal council! Jaina Whoa! Yaddle Haha! That’s so great! Narrator Luke, Lando, and Frodo are all on the hook. So what we’re gonna do is give them each a chance to argue their cases. We’ve paired you all up, randomly. Luke, you get to argue your case to Jaina, privately, in the woods. Luke Oh, score. Narrator Frodo, you get to have a private audience with Yaddle in the woods. Yaddle YES! Frodo *gulp* Narrator And Lando... since Dory’s practically a new member when it comes to her memory, you get to stay here and argue your case to her. Lando Ah, man, that deal blows! Narrator Okay everybody, go out into the woods! *Jaina and Luke depart to one direction and Frodo and Yaddle go the other direction. Lando is left alone with Dory.* Dory Oh, this is gonna be fun! Okay, start arguing, Lando! Lando Alright. Well... I think it’s a good idea to keep me around because I’m strong, I’m a good leader, I’m charismatic... Dory Whoa, hold on buddy, before you give me your life story at least tell me your name. Lando I’m Lando. Dory Hi, Lando, I’m Dory! Where are we? Lando Kriff it, I’m gonna lose. *Meanwhile, Luke is sitting next to Jaina on a make-shift bench in the woods.* Jaina So I guess you’re supposed to start telling me why I shouldn’t vote for you. Luke Right. Well, first off, I’m a Jedi. That means I can use the Force to levitate stuff and do other cool stuff. Jaina *laughs* I know what a Jedi is. I am one! Luke Whoa, you’re a Jedi too!? That’s so sexy! Jaina What? Luke I mean... nifty! I said... nifty. Jaina Okay... Luke Yeah, I blew up the Death Star. Jaina I know. That was very brave of you. Luke Yeah, I’m pretty tired now... I think I’ll... yawn... *Luke uses the “yawn technique.” He yawns and stretches his arms out, then puts his arm around Jaina’s shoulder. Jaina squirms uncomfortably* Jaina Um... Luke You... uhh... truly belong with us here on the island. Jaina Luke... *Luke leans in to kiss Jaina. Jaina uses to Force to push him off the bench* Luke Ow! What was that for?! Jaina I’m sorry, Uncle Luke, but I can’t do that. Luke Why’d you call me Uncle Luke? Jaina Because... because I’m your niece from the future! Luke What?! That’s not possible! I’m an only child! Jaina No, Leia’s your sister! Luke WHAT?! My sister?! Jaina Yes, you’re twins. I wasn’t supposed to tell you any of this. But you forced me. Luke Wait a minute. Padmé’s my mom, you’re my niece, and Leia’s my sister? Why does every girl I’m attracted to turn out to be related to me?! It’s not fair! Jaina I guess it’s your destiny. Luke Destiny? More like... incestiny! Jaina Don’t worry, you’ll end up with someone who’s not related to you, trust me. Luke Okay, good... but hey, you wanna date anyway? Jaina Uncle Luke! *Jaina stands up, gives Luke a mean stare, then storms off into the woods, leaving Luke alone on the ground.* Luke I was just kidding!... I think. *Meanwhile Yaddle and Frodo are alone in a different part of the woods sitting on a similar bench.* Yaddle So, Frodo, tell me about yourself. Frodo Well, I like the Shire... and... I’m a Hobbit. *Yaddle lets out a girlish sigh of attraction* Frodo Umm... how about you? Yaddle I left Yoda to come here and take you as my man. Frodo What?! Yaddle I think you’re dead sexy, Frodo! I wanna be your precious! *Yaddle jumps up and hugs Frodo’s neck* Frodo *cough* I can’t... breathe. *Yaddle keeps squeezing his neck* Yaddle If you go out with me, I can guarantee that you win this game. You see, Jaina and I have a secret Fellowship. A Fellowship that supports you. We’re both going to vote for Luke so you get to move on. And then you’ll win the million credits and we can move away to some paradise and grow old together! Frodo *wheeze* You’re already... old. Yaddle Keep the ring and we’ll both live forever. Yaddle and Frodo forever and ever and ever! What do you say? Frodo *gag* No way... *Yaddle squeezes REALLY tight* Frodo *gasp!* Okay, okay! Just let... let go! *Frodo opens his mouth wide to take in a deep breath. Yaddle seizes the opportunity to give him a big sloppy French kiss* Frodo Mmmph!! *Lando walks in* Lando Hey, Frodo, I think we should vote for Lu... WHOA! Oh, sick! What are you doing?! *Frodo pushes Yaddle off of himself* Frodo It’s not how it looks! Yaddle Oh yes it is, baby! *Yaddle jumps back onto Frodo again and forcibly makes out with him* Lando Oh man... forget it... there’s no way I’m keeping you around, you ugly-loving freak! I did NOT need to witness a midget love-fest today. *Later that night, everyone is gathered around the camp to hear the results of the vote. Yaddle is cuddled up against Frodo and Jaina is keeping her distance from Luke* Narrator Okay, the results are in. Yaddle In other words, bye bye, Luke! Narrator Um... not exactly. No, Luke received two votes... and with three votes, the 18th person voted off the island is... Frodo! Yaddle WHAT?! Luke YES! Yaddle This is an outrage! How is that possible?! I voted for Luke! And I forged Dory’s vote so it was for Luke! And Jaina... Jaina... Jaina Oh... oops. Yaddle OOPS?! What do you mean, oops?! Jaina I was so distraught about Uncle Luke’s advances that I... forgot to vote. Yaddle You’ve betrayed me, Jaina! How dare you! Luke Ha! I survived because I hit on my own niece? Awesome! Yaddle And wait a minute... Frodo... did you vote for yourself?! Frodo Well... yes. I’d rather get back to Middle-Earth so I can destroy the Ring. And the thought of being stuck with you forever wasn’t exactly... appealing. No offense. I need to get back to Samwise. Yaddle You don’t even know what a Samwise is! Frodo He’s my best friend... Yaddle Your mom’s a Samwise Frodo Huh? Yaddle I’ll kick you in the Samwise! Frodo Don’t kick Samwise! Narrator And so, Frodo Baggins was eliminated from the island after making it so far. He returned to Middle-Earth to complete his real journey. Samwise had wondered where Frodo had been all this time, but Frodo decided it would be best not to confuse his friend. So he told him that he was just taking a really long bathroom break. Hobbits need to poop sometimes, too, you know. THE END *Samwise awakes to find Yaddle kicking him in the ribs* Sam Ahhhh! Help, Mr. Frodo, I’m being kicked by a little green midget with long pointy ears! Just like in my dream! Yaddle (gone crazy) Ahhh hahahah! A haha! Die, Samwise, DIE!! Sam She means to murder us! |
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