IT'S AN AD, AD, AD, AD WORLD
(Attributed in part to Wayne Mann)
The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial messages a day, and some experts claim that the average child sees and hears 100,000 pitches before being old enough to attend school. Sometimes it seems that, in these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies have abandoned the struggle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense and meaning.
1 man, 7 woman hot tub $850/offer
2 wire mesh butchering gloves, 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15
20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges, the owner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
83 Toyota hunchback – $2000
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Alzheimer's center prepares for an affair to remember
Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed.
American flag - 60 stars - pole included - $100
And now, the Superstore – unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Bar S sliced bologna regular or tasty, save 30 cents on 2.
Bill's Septic Cleaning - "we haul American made products"
Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
Cows, calves never bred...Also 1 gay bull for sale.
Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
Exercise equipment: queen size mattress & box spring -$175.
For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.
For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50
For sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.
For sale to kind master. Full grown domesticated tigress, goes daily walk untied, and eats flesh from hand. [Calcutta India]
Found: dirty white dog...looks like a rat...been out awhile...better be reward.
Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
Free 1 can of pork & beans with purchase of 3 br 2 bth home.
Free: farm kittens. Ready to eat.
Free puppies: ½ Cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor's dog
Free puppies...part German shepherd, part dog
Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 years old. Unpleasant little dog.
Full sized mattress. 20 yr warranty. Like new. Slight urine smell.
Fully cooked boneless smoked man - $2.09/lb.
Gas cloud clears out Taco Bell.
Georgia peaches - California grown - 89 cents lb.
German shepherd. 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.
Get a Little John: the traveling urinal holds 2 1/2 bottles of beer.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
Great Dames for sale.
Ground beast: 99 cents lb.
Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club meeting - Tuesday at 7pm.
Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
Holcross pulletts. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204
Honey Pot Septic Service: "We're #1 in the #2 Business!"
Hummels largest selection ever "if it's in stock, we have it!"
Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer & dryer $300.
If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain and Chopin.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
Kellogg's pot tarts - $1.99 box
Lawyer says client is not that guilty.
LET'S ALL MAKE THIS A BIGGER AND BETTER STATE FAIR. Leave your garments at our main plant right on your way to the fair. [Ad in the Shreveport LA Journal]
Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play.
Mother's helper – peasant working conditions.
Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE AFFORDABLE An Alternative to Looking Good. [On a paper place mat in a Massachusetts restaurant.]
Nice parachute - never opened - used once - slightly stained
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent
Nordic Track $300 - hardly used - call Chubbie
Notice: to person or persons who took the large pumpkin on Highway 87 near Southridge Storage. Please return the pumpkin and be checked. Pumpkin may be radioactive. All other plants in vicinity are dead.
Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too!
Open house - body shapers toning salon - free coffee & donuts
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and snacks included.
Our sofa seats the whole mob - and it's made of 100% Italian leather.
Saturday Morning 10:30 A.M. Easter Matinee. Every child laying an egg in the door man's hand will be admitted free. [Parsons PA paper]
Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
Shakespeare's Pizza - free chopsticks
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days.
Soft & genital bath tissues or facial tissue - 89 cents
Star Wars job of the hut -- $15
Swap - Drink mixer, glasses, tray, etc for good baby carriage. [Ossining paper]
The fact that those we have served return once again, and recommend us to their friends, is a high endorsement of the service we render. PELTON FUNERAL HOME [Oshkosh Northwestern]
The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and other athletic facilities.
This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes & Gardens.
Tickle Me Elmo, still in box, comes with it's own 1988 Mustang, 5l, auto, excellent condition $6800
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay $7 - $9 per hour.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
TOMBSTONE SLIGHTLY USED. Sell cheap. Weil's Curiosity Shop [Philadelphia Inquirer]
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.
WANTED A boy who can take care of horses who can speak German. [Parade of Youth]
Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month. References required.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
We build bodies that last a lifetime.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
We want your eggs, and we want them bad. Porter & Young [Display ad in the Le Roy MN Indepentent].
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00
Widows made to order. Send us your specifications [El Paso TX]
Will trade fire, life, automobile insurance for anything can use. Want lady with automobile. [Riverside CA Enterprise]
...And these beauties from the radio:
Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P.M. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs with the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.