A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"
The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."
A mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman. She tells him to get lost. Not willing to give up, he pleads with her: "C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy!"
Two strings are outside a bar...
The first string walks in and the bartender immediately throws him out, yelling "I don't serve strings in this bar!"
The other string ruffs himself up, walks in, and curls up.
The bartender says, "Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy? Aren't you a string, too?"
The string says, "No, I'm afraid not..."
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."
A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a cold one.
The bartender gives it to him and says "that'll be $10. You know, we don't get many gorillas round these parts."
The gorilla nods "I'm not surprised at these prices.."
A guy walks into a pub with a giraffe under one arm. He walks over to the bar, places the giraffe on the floor, and orders a beer. The barman gets the guy his drink and then says "You can't leave that lying there!". At this comment the guy replies "It's not a lion it's a giraffe."
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a dumb jock joke. The bartender says, "The guy in the corner is a profession wrestler. The guy in the other corner is a prize fighter. This guy next to you is a professional hockey play. I played football for 5 years. Now, do you STILL want to tell your dumb jock joke?" The guy says, "No. I don't want to have to explain it 4 times."
A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of beer. The bartender says"Sorry, we don't serve food."
A woman walks into a bar and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?" she asks.
"No." is the reply.
A few minutes later the dog bites her leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" the woman says indignantly.
"He doesn't; that's not my dog."
A neutron walks into a bar.
"I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge".
Descartes walks into a bar, and the bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he says...
This man walks into a bar with an old shopping bag in hand. He sets the bag on top of the bar and pulls up his stool. The bartender comes over and asks what he'll have to swill. As he states his preference, something in the bag is moving around shaking the paper bag. The bartender gives a puzzled look but proceeds to the tap. As he's filling the mug, he looks at the bag again and sees that something is still moving around in the bag. He brings the beer over and places it in front of the man.
His curiosity gets the best of him and he asks the man what he's got in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little piano and sets it on the bar... the bartender looks intently at the piano as the man again reaches into the bag... pulling out a small piano bench. He places the bench in front of the piano and again reaches into the bag pulling out a foot tall man. The man sits at the piano and begins playing.
The bartender says,"wow, he sure can play the piano,where'd you get him?"
The guy looks at him and again reaches into the bag and pulls out a genie lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here, go ahead, rub it.."
So the bartender says, "Is there a real genie in there?"
The guy says, "Yes, just rub it and see."
So the bartender says okay and begins to rub the lamp... and out pops this beautiful genie.
She says,"I will grant you one wish, and one wish only."
So the bartender ponders this for a moment and says, "Okay, I'd like a million bucks."
The genie disappears.. and they're both waiting and waiting and nothing happens. They both look at each other and shrug their shoulders. Then a minute later a duck pops up at the end of the bar. They both look at each other, very puzzled, and then another duck appears... and another, and another.. and it continues.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "I think your genie is deaf. I said I wanted a million bucks not a million ducks."
And the man says, "Yes, I know, do you think I wanted a twelve inch pianist?"
Woman walks into a bar with a dog under her arm
barman - Where'd you get the pig?
woman - That's not a pig, it's a dog!
barman - I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the dog.