Two blonds
are on opposite sides of the lake. One calls across to the other, "How do
I get to the other side?"
"You are
on the other side!"
Two blondes
were sitting at a bar. Every so often they would reach up, give each other a
high-5, and say, "Six months!!!" This went on all night. Finally the
bartender could take it no more and asked what in the world they were
celebrating. The blondes sheepishly looked at each other, then confessed with
pride beyond bounds... "Well, we just finished a puzzle. The box said 2-3
years, but we finished it in just six months!"
Q: Why did
the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see
what was on the other side.
***
This blonde
wife decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and
how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband
that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides
that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day,
right after her husband left for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband
arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into
the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices
that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over
and asks her if she is OK. She replies 'yes'. He asks what she is doing. She
replies, that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb,
and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks
her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies, that she was
reading the directions on the paint can and they said.
FOR BEST
RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
***
One day a
blonde woman was driving down the road when she passed another blonde woman in
a rowboat in the middle of a field.
The first
blonde gets out of her car and walks to the side of the field and calls out,
"Hey, you there, in the boat!! You know, it's blondes like you that give
us all a bad name! If I could swim, I'd slap you!"
***
A blond goes
to the doctor and sez, "Doc, it's been a month since I last saw you and I
still feel terrible!" The doctor asks, "Did you follow the
instructions on the medicine I gave you?" "Yes," said the blond,
"It sez 'Keep Tightly Closed'"
Q: Why did
the Blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A: Because it
said concentrate.
What do you
do if a blond throws a grenade at you
pull the pin
and throw it back
A dumb blond,
a smart blond, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny are all sitting around a table
with a pile of money in the center. Who gets the money?..... The dumb blond.
There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny or a smart blond.
A guy walks into a bar and sits down next to
a blonde. He notices that she has 5 martini glasses with nothing left in them
but olives sitting in front of her. He says to her, "You know, five will
make you dizzy?" She replies "the price is right, but my name's
Daisy."
***
An airplane
was flying to New York when a blond passenger got out of her seat in Coach and
proceeded to sit down in the First Class Section. The stewardess explained to
her that her ticket was for Coach, and she must sit in her assigned seat, but
the blond only replied, "I'm blond and I'm beautiful and I'm going to New
York, and I'm going to sit where I want!" The stewardess got the head
steward to try to reason with the blond, but once again she refused to move,
saying, "I'm blond and I'm beautiful and I'm going to New York, and I'll
sit where I want!" The steward got the co-pilot to talk to the woman, but
with the same result.
Finally, the
captain said, "My wife's blond. I know how to handle this." He went
back to the woman, and whispered something in her ear. She immediately jumped
up and ran back to her seat in coach. The others were amazed, and asked the
captain what he had said that worked so well. He replied, "I just
explained to her that the First Class section was only going as far as
Pittsburg".
***
Three women
walk into a bar: a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. The bartender asks the
brunette, "What'll you have, hon?" The brunette replies, "A
B.L." The bartender scratches his head and says, "You know, I've been
tending bar for fifteen years and I never heard of a B.L. What is it?"
"A Bud Light, you moron!", exclaims the brunette. So the bartended
gets her a Bud Light.
The bartender
turns to the redhead. "What'll you have, hon?" "A C.L.",
she replies. The bartender scratches his ehad and says, "You know, I've
been tending bar for fifteen years and I never heard of a C.L. What is
it?" "A Coors Light, you idiot!" exclaims the redhead. So he
gets her a Coors Light.
The bartender
then turns to the blonde. "What'll you have hon?" "A
fifteen", she replies. The bartender scratches his head and says,
"You know, I've been tending bar for fifteen years and I never heard of a
fifteen. What is it?" The blonde exclaims, "A seven-and-seven, you
jerk!"
***
Judi was
bored with driving her BMW. She fancied something a bit more individual,
perhaps an MG convertible. That week, she visited her local car dealer and
spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she
fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and
off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new
car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio
- what could possibly go wrong?
At that
thought, there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a
stop. She got out and lifted the hood and concluded, after a few minutes, that
she didn't have a clue what was wrong. Luckily, she had her cell phone with her
and a quick phone call to the Auto Club and a short wait later, she saw the
truck pull up behind her.
"That's
a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?
Judi replied,
"Well, it just conked out I'm afraid."
"Let me
have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring
like a cat again.
"Thank
goodness," she said. "What was the matter?"
"Simple
really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied.
Looking
shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?"
***
The executive
was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to
find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a
conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The blonde
quickly responded, "The living one."
Did you hear
about the blond that called the fire department and said that her house was on
fire? She asked the fireman if he could send someone to help her. The firemen
said "sure, if you can tell us how to get there".
The blond
responded "in a big red truck, Duh"
Three women
were to be put to death for various crimes. The first woman, a redhed, was
asked if she had any last words. Seeing a chance to flee, she yelled
"tornado!!" The guards turned to look, and she escaped. When the
second woman was given the chance to speak, she screamed "flood!!"
She too escaped. Now it was time for the final woman, a natural blond. After
seeing how the previous girls had gotten away, she too tried her hand at the
trick. "Any last words?" the guard asked. The woman nodded her head
and called out "FIRE!"
Three blonde
are stuck on an island. When one day they come upon a lamp. One rubs it and a
genie pops out. He says that he'll grant each of them a wish. So the first
blonde says, "I wish to be smart enough to get off this island." So
the genie turns her into a redhead and she swims to the mainland. So the second
says, "I wish I was smarter than her and get off the island too." So
the genie turns her into a brunette and she builds a raft and rows to the
mainland. The last blonde then says, "Well I want to be smarter than the
two of them and get off the island." The genie says o.k. and turns her
into a man and he walks across the bridge.
A little
blonde girl comes home from school and exclaims, "Mommie! Mommie! We had
to recite the alphabet today and I was the only one in class who got all the
way from A to Z"
"That's
great, honey" Mom says. "That's
because you're the sweetest, prettiest girl in class."
The next day
the excited little girl comes home brimming with pride and squeals
"Mommie! Mommie! Today we counted numbers and I was the only one in class
to get all the way to one-hundred!"
"That's
great, honey" her mother repeats. "That's because you're sweetest
most precious girl in class."
Next day, the
little blonde girl comes running home: "Mommie! Mommie! Today we measured
stuff and I was the tallest one in class!" she said with pride, "Is
that because I'm the sweetest most precious girl?" She asked hopefully.
"No,
it's because you're 27." said Mom.
***
Two tourists
were driving through Wisconsin. As they were pproaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about
the
pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued
back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde
employee....
"Before
we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are,
very slowly?"
The blonde
girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrr,
gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."
***
A contractor
finishing up a house is following around the new owner to get the colors for
the rooms. They stop in the first room and the lady says "I'd like to have
a nice off-white almost beige tone in here." The contractor writes it
down, walks over to the window and yells out "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The homeowner
hears this, thinks about it for a second then dismisses it. In the next room
they stop and she says "I'd like a nice light maroon in this room."
The contractor writes this down, walks to the window and yells "GREEN SIDE
UP!" Again she dismisses it and moves on.
In the next
room she says "I'd like this room to be a real dark blue." Again, the
contractor writes this down and walks to the window and shouts "GREEN SIDE
UP!
This is too
much for the lady and she asks "Why is it everytime I tell you a color,
you write it down and then yell out the window, green side up?"
He says
"Well, I've got four blondes across the street laying sod."
A lovely
blond young woman walked into a hair salon and asked for a haircut. The hairdresser
said, "Sure ma'am, but I'll have to ask you to remove your walkman
headphones." "No," she answers, "Just cut around it."
The hairdresser is hesitant, but she insists, so he begins. He does all right,
but after about 15 minutes he gets frustrated, and just gently picks them up
off her head for a quick snip-snip---and boom, she falls over dead. Horrified,
he holds the earphones to his own ears to see what it was that was so
important, and he hears, "Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out,
breathe in, breathe out...."
***
A blonde was
driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail
stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She
drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The
body man
explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4,000 to
repair. She said that was too much and asked if there was some other way to fix
it.
The body man
decided to have a little fun and said, "Well you could blow into the tail
pipe real hard and they might pop back out." She decided to give it a try
before spending that much money.
She drove
home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when
her blonde neighbor came over to visit.
"What
are you doing?" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may
have just prevented her friend from committing suicide.
"I'm
blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car,"
explained the first blonde.
"Well
silly, it's not going to work," replied her neighbor.
"Why
not?" asked the first blonde.
"Because
you've got to roll up the windows first."
***
One day a
husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the
ignition of her car. "If I take them out of the car when I lose
them," she reasoned.
"Yes
dear, but what if someone steals your car?" the husband countered.
"Oh
that's okay," the wife chirped happily, "I keep a spare key in the
glove box!"
A lady is
visiting relatives in Texas when she decides to go to the grocery store. She
comes back to her car and gets in. After about 30 minutes, people begin to see
her just setting in her car holding the back of her head. Finally some comes
over and asks her what’s wrong. She says that she has been shot in the back of
the head and is holding her brains in. She is to scared to start her car. When
the ambulance arrives, they find out that the heat made a biscuit can exploded
making a pop and the dough struck her in the back of the head. Yes, ladies and
gentlemen, this lady is a blonde.
Three blondes
died and found themselves standing before Saint Peter at the gates to Heaven.
St. Peter said to them, "Before you may enter the gates of Heaven you have
to tell me what Easter is."
The first
blonde said, " Easter is a holiday where we all have a big feast and we're
thankful."
St. Peter
said, "NO!" and banished her to Hell.
The second
blonde said, "Easter is a holiday when we celebrate Jesus' birth and give
each other presents."
St. Peter
said, "NO!" and banished her to Hell.
The third
blonde said, "I know what Easter is."
St.Peter
said, "OK then, tell me."
She starts,
"Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of
Passover. Jesus was having a Passover feast with his disciples when he was
betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung him on the
cross where he died. Then they buried him in a tomb behind a large
boulder."
St. Peter
said, "Very good..."
She adds,
"Every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees
his shadow we have six more weeks of winter."
A blind guy
on a bar stool shouts to the bartender "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"
In a hushed
voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should
know something. Our bartender is blond. The bouncer is blond. I'm a 6' tall,
200 lb. black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 and
he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5", pushing 300, and
he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blond. Think about it, Mister. You still
wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy
says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Every nite on
their honeymoon, just before they went to sleep the Blonde wife would tell her
husband, "If it starts to rain, wake me up".
On the last
nite he asked her "Why do you tell me to wake you up if it starts raining,
every nite?"
The blonde
wife looks at him like he is crazy and says, "Cause I can't sleep if it's
raining".
What do you
call a group of blond skydivers?
Ans. Lawndarts
How do you
get a one-armed blond out of a tree?
Ans. Wave
How do you
entertain a blond for hours?
Ans. Give her
a piece of paper with "Please turn over" written on both sides.
What did the
Blond say when he opened a box of Cheerios?
Look Doughnut
Seeds!
Three blonds
were driving on a vacation trip to Disneyland. At the end of the interstate
exit ramp was a sign reading, "Disneyland Left". So, they went home!
A blond who
dyed her hair red was driving in her car in the country. She passed by a farm,
and saw a lot of sheep grazing in a field. "Oh, I want a sheepie!"
she said, and so she went to the farmer who owned the sheep. "If I can
catch one of your sheepies, mister, can I keep it?" The farmer, not
knowing what she was talking about, said, "Uh - sure." So she went
out and came back a couple of minutes later. "Well, here's the sheepie,
mister. Can I keep it?" she said. The farmer replied, "If I can guess
your true hair color, miss, can I have my dog back?"
***
A brunette
comes hopping down a railroad track, chanting, "Twenty-one ... twenty-one
... twenty-one ..." A blonde watches the brunette hopping ties and jumps
on behind her, "Twenty-one ... twenty-one ... twenty-one ..."
A train
comes, and the brunette steps off the tracks. Once the train passes, she hops
back on: "Twenty-two ... twenty-two ... twenty-two ..."
A man bought
his wife, a blond, a cell phone for Christmas. He showed her how to use it and
what each button did. Then one day he called her to test it out. He asked her how
the reception was, if there were any problems with it; and she replied that she
could hear him clearly; and with no problems. "But", she said (pause)
"How did you know I was at Walmart?"
The two
blonds were walking along when they saw some tracks. The first said they looked
liked deer tracks. The other said she was sure they were moose tracks. They
were still arguing about them when the train hit them.
Two blondes
walked ino a building-
You think one
of them would have seen it!
Why was the
blonds steering wheel covered in red lipstick?
She was
trying to blow the horn.
The blond
calls her friend to help her put the puzzle together. It's suppose to look like
a tiger but she can't get it to come out right. The friend gets there, takes a
look and says "Sorry hon, I can't get this to look like a tiger either,
now give up and put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!!"
Did you hear
about the blonde that went to the department store to return a scarf.
She claimed
that it was too tight.
A blonde and
a brunette are watching the 6:00 news. The feature story is about a man who is
threatening to jump off a bridge. The brunette says to the blonde, "I bet
you $50 that he jumps!" The blonde replies, "You're on." The
story proceeds, and sure enough, the man jumps off the bridge. Having lost the
bet, the blonde forks over $50. The brunette says, rather sheepishly, "I
really can't accept your $50. I watched the 5:00 news and the same story aired,
so I already knew that he would jump." The blonde says, "No, I insist
you keep my money. I watched the 5:00 news too, and I didn't think he'd do it
again!"
A blonde is
down on her luck, so she decides to take drastic measures. She goes to the
local park to kidnap a child and ask for ransom. She writes a note saying
"leave 20,000 dollars behind the oak tree in the park by 7 am tomorrow if
you ever want to see your child again. Sincerely, the Blonde." She pulls a
little boy aside, pins the note to his jacket and tells him to take it to his
mommy. The next day, the blonde returns to the oak tree to find a bag with
20,000 dollars in it and a note which read, "Here's your money, but I
can't believe one blonde would do this to another."